How does aux Fi work for the ExFPs?
Same way as with any other Fi-using type: deep empathy, quiet sympathy, internal self-awareness, a willingness to be “me” even when it’s inconvenient for other people or goes against the grain.
I knew by age 12 I was “not like other girls” and had no interest in romantic relationships, sex, or dating. I was immune to peer pressure, got annoyed at “oh, you will change your mind when you meet the right one” because I knew that would never happen and my feelings would never change, and fundamentalist religious, social conditioning that a woman’s true role is as a wife and mother, that I would do something wrong or bad by not becoming one, etc., had absolutely no effect on me. I knew myself. I knew that did not fit my vision of God, and I lost a few friends whose mothers thought I was a “bad influence” for arguing with them that a woman’s role is more than a womb for future men. It made me sad to lose friends, but it never changed my self-awareness.
The entire world seems to think about nothing but hookups, sexual relationships, and romance, and... I don't care. That is not me, so I waste little time dwelling on it. Nor do I need a support group to feel fine with myself or to deal with my feelings. They just are what they are.
For every Fi, it’s different what the focus is, but it operates the same way. “I don’t need your approval to be myself. I don’t need a support group. I don’t need you to like me if this is my truth. Even if we are similar, we are not the same person.” TJ or FP, doesn’t matter.
In an EFP, Fi lags, but only a tiny bit. It slaps us upside the head when reality confronts us and we realize, “Hey, I actually don’t feel the way I thought I would in this situation, so I better adjust and/or get out of it ASAP.” For a Se-dom, Fi is “oh, I didn’t realize doing this or experimenting with this or trying this would not resonate with my value system and tell me to get out now.” For a Ne-dom, it is, “I thought I could be open-minded about this, but I can’t be, and that’s fine.”
An EFP may think “I am open to things, so of course I am open to … whatever,” and then they find themselves in that situation, have an internal emotional reaction to it, and find out, “Okay, I am NOT open minded on this subject. No way, no how, no sir,” and they learn about themselves and carry that forward into the next situation.
Because Fi is based on “whatever my emotional reaction is to this right now,” it’s contextual and may not be the same every time, because it’s all based on an internal pendulum that swings back and forth. This kind of ethical weighing makes no sense to a high Ti user because it’s inconsistent. It has the flexibility of high Fi going, “this situation is upsetting to me and/or I deem it wrong for me, even though a similar situation did not invoke this emotional response.”
It just… is what it is and there’s no rationalizing or explaining it, just acting on it (low Te).
(ETA: I tried dating and broke out in hives from the stress of doing something that was “not me.” I do get lonely, and wish I had intellectual stimulation, and don’t look forward to dying alone and being eaten by my cats in my old age, but I would never partner up just to avoid that. To me, romance/love is sacred, so the fact that people get married for all sorts of reasons, including fear of being alone, does not compel me to do so without genuinely feeling something I probably can’t feel to the extent I would need to, to feel justified in being with someone. So as you can see, my own Fi is pretty damn messy and inconvenient and irrational.)
