The musings of JenniferHawke

₊ ✦ Fenris | Lyrium Ghost ✦ ₊

the 4details series is evolving, my new targets are my favorite Dragon Age men! idk, either Solas or Dorian should be next…

Fenris | Solas | Dorian | Zevran

i have never been the most proficient

at lying,

and my deception is at a disadvantage

when i am in this drunken state.

my boyfriend asks me with more kindness

than i can hear,

to keep my voice down.

we are sitting at a table of friends,

although i am not sure

if i have the right to call them that.

i’m also not sure i can call it a table,

seeing as it’s a whiteboard balanced

atop a writing desk.

i can’t lean too hard on the edge,

for fear of everything falling.

i am loud, and flirtatious,

and compose words into

patterns to please the ear.

i am playing a bard

here at this table.

although i’m not sure

how much of an act it truly is.

the girl two seats left of me

is rolling a d20.

she crits.

her body looks nothing like mine.

she is thin, and beautiful,

and i don’t think her boldness

is a shield like like the kind i bear.

she is a friend,

that one i am sure of.

i feel safe around her,

and i think that’s why

i want to be closer.

two seats in the other direction,

there is a man who looks

like the boys who hurt me.

tattooed skin. and muscled arms.

baseball cap. and defined hands.

i flinch when he touches my palm.

it is brief, just part of the game,

his character handing mine a weapon,

of all things.

i need to be his friend,

so i can stop seeing him as a threat.

i hate that my trauma is here,

even now.

new faces around a table,

but old fears watching me.

this is no longer dungeons and dragons.

this is a séance.

do not touch my hand.

the gateway will open,

and my past will fill the present.

do not touch my hand.

do not touch my hand.

i fear if i speak the words to him,

i will ruin the delicate balance of the whiteboard

atop the writing desk.

a few weeks ago,

the dungeon master told me

he does not allow sexual assault

in his campaigns.

rape has no place at his table,

and i know he means this as a kindness.

but i cannot help feeling

as though i have broken a golden rule.

i have brought my rape to the table.

i thought about it here,

where it is explicitly forbidden.

i don’t know what to say,

so i make another dirty joke.

(do i want to fuck the illithid

or the ranger two seats to my left?)

and dig my feet into the carpet.

it has only been 6 seconds.

i have been moving the pieces

in my head while the world stood still.

my trauma acts first,

then i must respond.

this is how the order goes.

there is no changing it.

my trauma finds me,

in a room full of people

who would face foes beside me.

this is how the game goes.

“Promise me you wont die. “

The answer is however many show up outside the window he tosses food scraps of. I'm sure Astarion comes up with beautiful names for each of them but they're just called "cat" 85% of the time.

If the BG3 companions went on a road trip, who’s the designated refueler and why is it Astarion

I saw this cosplay on Reddit and immediately had to draw it because I love it so much

Astarion: “No one ever cared about me >:\”