Keeping My Zen

alternatives without harming yourself:

holding/squeezing ice.

splashing your face with water.

getting a rubber band and snapping it against your skin (this could hurt, though it’s better than other ways that people usually choose to self-harm).

take a hot shower or bath.

eat something sour. it will take your mind of the urge. (lemon, sour lollies)

massage where you want to self-harm.

get a red pen or red paint and draw/paint over where you usually self-harm.

remind yourself as to why you shouldn’t do it. (scars, harms organs, leave memories etc…)

describe what you are feeling. (is the urge/pain in your chest, fists, legs, arms, head).

killing yourself will not help. it is not a solution.

you have your whole life ahead of you. you have so many more years that you can accomplish things in. for example;

having a family.

getting married.

to watch the sun rise.

to watch the sun set.

to save someone else’s life.

finish school.

get your dream job.

to laugh.

to smile.

to go camping.

travel to new places.

to wake up every morning to the person you love.

friends.

family.

to keep that promise you made.

to accomplish a goal.

to meet your idol.

to listen to new music.

theme parks.

video games.

chocolate.

to be able to look back and say “i made it”.

what you’re going through is temporary.

in case you need to hear this:

you are loved.

you are wanted.

you are needed.

you are beautiful.

you are handsome.

you are important.

you are not alone.

you are okay.

you are strong.

you are worth it.

you are smart.

you are not a failure.

you are useful.

you are going to be okay.

———————————————————————————————————

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281 reasons to recover

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what to do when someone sees

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how to get free therapy

getting a therapist - a brief step-by-step

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50 signs of good therapy

50 warning signs of questionable therapy

———————————————————————————————————

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trans lifeline: 877-565-8860

depression hotline: 1-630-482-9696

suicide hotline: 1-800-784-8433

lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

trevor project: 1-866-488-7386

sexuality support: 1-800-246-7743

eating disorders hotline: 1-847-831-3438

rape and sexual assault: 1-800-656-4673

grief support: 1-650-321-5272

runaway: 1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

I’ll start,

I don’t give a rat’s ass who’s dating whom. But that doesn’t mean I can’t observe and comment on my observations. I have come to know so many beautiful, funny, talented women in the shipper community. And, now those women are being derided as old, fat biddies who don’t have meaningful lives. Those women are wives, mother’s, students, doctors, nurses, accountants, lawyers. And they are being marginalized because of what they think. So, many of them are just walking away, with a bitter taste in their mouths, from something that had given them joy. 

Sam, I feel especially saddened by the effect this is having on the MPC Program in which you have invested so much time and effort. At ECCC you seemed genuinely moved at the stories of how that program has helped so many to feel good about themselves for the first time in their lives. And now you have this journalist, Bernadette Giacomazza, spewing hate toward some of these same women because they happen to call themselves shippers. She and her aide de camp, Vince DeMello, mock the before and after pictures of MPC participants as a way of “putting them in their place”. I’m sure this is not what you had in mind as the legacy of your labor of love. 

None of the women I know, who call themselves shippers, condones the terrible comments posted on Mackenzie Mauzy’s IG account. Many of those being blamed by Mr. Shatner have been in the forefront of begging people to stay away from those posts. Some of us have asked why Ms. Mauzy doesn’t simply disable comments as a way of eliminating a war zone. But, to merely suggest such a solution, is seen as an approval of the trolls. If all the shippers somehow magically disappeared (and we’re close to that outcome), the trolls would still be there stirring the pot. 

I don’t give a rat’s ass who’s dating whom. But that doesn’t mean I can’t observe and comment on my observations. I have come to know so many beautiful, funny, talented women in the shipper community. And, now those women are being derided as old, fat biddies who don’t have meaningful lives. Those women are wives, mother’s, students, doctors, nurses, accountants, lawyers. And they are being marginalized because of what they think. So, many of them are just walking away, with a bitter taste in their mouths, from something that had given them joy. 

Sam, I feel especially saddened by the effect this is having on the MPC Program in which you have invested so much time and effort. At ECCC you seemed genuinely moved at the stories of how that program has helped so many to feel good about themselves for the first time in their lives. And now you have this journalist, Bernadette Giacomazza, spewing hate toward some of these same women because they happen to call themselves shippers. She and her aide de camp, Vince DeMello, mock the before and after pictures of MPC participants as a way of “putting them in their place”. I’m sure this is not what you had in mind as the legacy of your labor of love. 

None of the women I know, who call themselves shippers, condones the terrible comments posted on Mackenzie Mauzy’s IG account. Many of those being blamed by Mr. Shatner have been in the forefront of begging people to stay away from those posts. Some of us have asked why Ms. Mauzy doesn’t simply disable comments as a way of eliminating a war zone. But, to merely suggest such a solution, is seen as an approval of the trolls. If all the shippers somehow magically disappeared (and we’re close to that outcome), the trolls would still be there stirring the pot. 

(p2) it’s thinking if she’s involved enough to post this pic instead of Sam posting it maybe she was involved in the whole thing. Which would mean she was in it when fans were so shit on that we still have a stench from almost a year ago. It’s feeling played/manipulated in this stupid game so you question all of her other times when she seemed sincere/grateful for you-like when you specifically raised thousands for her birthday. It’s not just this bday pic. It’s collective…

(p3) seems it’s been built up for a while & the disappointment is the final straw. Its not even about MM. From an outside perspective you seem to have gotten through much more difficult SC moments&came through a SC believer more than ever. It’s not about S/MM/C. This is about fans being tired of the cast/crew of OL pissing on us & expecting us to believe it’s only rain. Right? That’s what makes online chatter so annoying. We’re not crying in a corner bc S/MM. We’re just tired of being pissed on.

(p2) it’s thinking if she’s involved enough to post this pic instead of Sam posting it maybe she was involved in the whole thing. Which would mean she was in it when fans were so shit on that we still have a stench from almost a year ago. It’s feeling played/manipulated in this stupid game so you question all of her other times when she seemed sincere/grateful for you-like when you specifically raised thousands for her birthday. It’s not just this bday pic. It’s collective…

(p3) seems it’s been built up for a while & the disappointment is the final straw. Its not even about MM. From an outside perspective you seem to have gotten through much more difficult SC moments&came through a SC believer more than ever. It’s not about S/MM/C. This is about fans being tired of the cast/crew of OL pissing on us & expecting us to believe it’s only rain. Right? That’s what makes online chatter so annoying. We’re not crying in a corner bc S/MM. We’re just tired of being pissed on.

I am busting out the Marlboro Southern Cuts for this, so, be prepared for a lengthy ramble through my mind. First, some introductory notes for those of you who have not DM’d me. 

I am a 53 year old Bisexual Female. This is only relevant to comments later in the post or I likely would not be sharing it on this blog. I am also a Disabled Veteran, and while that is not relevant to anything further, I am proud of it, and it does explain the inordinate amount of time I have on my hands to write these kind of things. 

I am retired from a lifetime of work in multiple jobs, including ten years of Consulting on Business and Technology. I have been a student of human nature for most of my life. I am, in Jungian terms, an Introvert/Extrovert. Having been an actor, stage manager, costumer and director, who comes from a family of actors, I feel I can comment on that as well. I also am a writer. I am a bit rusty on this type of writing however, so, forgive me if it creaks along. I do hope you, if you read this whole piece, bless you, understand that it is off the cuff and not really intended for critique as to style or content, It is meant to just put my thoughts out there.

Now, to the reason for the post. I want to address the clusterfuck that this fandom is, the ways I would address some of the issues and my overall feelings about S/C the ship, shipping in general and the nature of actors. So, with those hats listed above on, here we go….

This fandom is toxic. There is no turning back from what has happened. There will never be a happy place for everyone again, if there ever really was. This is the reality of the Social Media age. This is the brutal truth of everything posted lives forever. This is the ugliest fandom I have ever seen. That is remarkable in that I have been around a very long time, fanning many different things and people. I have been active on the internet for twenty years, so that is really a dreadful label to put  on a group of people, but believe me, we have earned it. Congratulations Outlander fans, you lose the fandom award for “best fans ever”.

How did this happen? Well, factions mostly, with supplied fuckery, insecure actors, incompetent handlers, nearly archaic business models, and ridiculous sums of money thrown in, just to rile up the masses. Never for a moment forget about that filthy lucre, because you better believe it IS the be all and end all of Hollywood. Oh, and if you believe that there is an actor on this planet who doesn’t want to be famous or is a true introvert, I weep for you naivete and wish you nothing but the best holding on to it.  

Let’s break down the factions for a bit just to clear that from the table. F1, F2, F3 seems to be the easiest way to do this.

F1-the book readers who fanned and discussed long before anyone else came along. Subsets include: Diana worshippers, Diana tolerators, Diana haters, Diana imitators, Diana should haves, Diana could haves, Diana wills, Diana won’ts and finally my favorites: Actually write better then Dianas.

F2-the show onlies who came along starting with the production/casting news and stayed or left based on the show alone. Subsets include: Love the shows, Hate the shows, Love the show and anything associateds, Hate the show but love the casts, sorta like the shows, sorta like the actors, sorta want to stick arounds even though Starz is ridiculous, hate RDMers, etc…really too many to list. 

F3-the all important bothies group. I could spent countless hours naming the subsets here and putting them up on a white board and drawing connections but here is where the money is folks. These are the people that bought over 25 million books, that spend their money on cable, that support in multiple ways, charities, conventions, memorabilia, various social media streams of income. Here is where the vast majority of Shippers, Antis, and Neutrals live. Here is the group most assuredly taken advantage of in any way possible. This is the group that gets pushed or pulled to suit the needs of Big Business. Most people in this group are normal, everyday type of people who willingly go along with whatever occurs because their needs, while oftentimes delayed, eventually get met in some fashion and so the money keeps rolling in. 

F4-Trolls and the associated disenfranchised or purchased for profit motives or hopelessly ill or hopelessly deluded. Not really a money stream to be depended upon, but definitely a SM presence and a useful tool in a multitude of ways. Flames that burn high enough draw attention. They keep the conversation going when nothing else will. Throw them a bone now and again to get them salivating and watch that fandom jump. Most of the incompetent advisors and handlers really don’t understand this group because insanity is hard to control but they will also throw scraps when necessary.

Is it any wonder that this fandom was fractured from the start? This doesn’t begin to cover what went on, it’s just a base for the pyramid. The next level contains the subsets that formed their own associations. some fluid between Fs. Here we really see the SamOnlies, the CaitOnlies, the Mommies, the Fandom Police, the Deniers, the Enablers, the Accusers, the Peacemakers. The rapidly festering illness that is taking hold floats all around. Sadly the vast majority of these people are women who ought to know better, but for an incalculable amount of reasons don’t. Some of these people are just finding their feet on SM and love the perceived power inherent in that and so are letting the better angels of their natures take a backseat to the demons that niggle away at them, and some of them are just stupid, ignorant, attention seekers.

On to the heart of the matter. Sam and Cait. Actors with philanthropic tendencies. Generally thought of as good people, good actors, and if nothing else, the very best of friends. Oh that it were that simple, that pure or that classy. No it’s not. Nothing ever really is. I admire the kindheartedness of many who believe it to be so, but don’t respect the sellers of the blinders needed to buy what is being sold. 

Actors Act. That is their job, likely their greatest passion and deepest need. Sure they are capable of great loves, great intentions, good deeds and all the other things that make life worth living. They also are liars, by the very nature of what they do. Lying too harsh a word? Sorry, but pretend is too childlike for those with any real talent. Liars are telling you a story, hoping to sell it to you with their actions and their emotions.  Perhaps it’s a little white lie or a whopper, but it is a fabrication, an untruth, a show. Through study, practice, hard work, with luck, perhaps talent, and timing, they are able to make you believe the lie, for generally however long it takes for the show to go on. Actors who live their lives in this culture we have now, generally never completely let their guard down in any public way. They are always “in character” in one way or another. The deep rooted insecurities of the profession, the people involved in extraneous ways and their own substantial egos won’t let them truly present themselves as the human beings they are. Many a fine actor has descended into madness, addiction, death, because they can’t turn it off, never knew how or don’t want to. There are many perks, but just as many pressures and some were just not built for the strain. Now add in that fame factor, the money monster and aging. Time and Fame are fleeting. Recognition for ones work is nice, but the money is the icing on the cake. Hell, it’s probably 2/3rds of the cake too if I am being honest. Yes, they are artists, but honestly do you think any artist sets out to stay poor and struggling? Have you ever been poor? I have. It sucks. 

Along comes Outlander and two “relative unknowns”. That is a bit disingenuous because they were both actively working prior to the show, but it has that lovely “a star is born” quality to it, and most are a sucker for that. So, TPTB were happy to sell that. Sam and Cait were surely on board for that meeting. Hey kids, we are gonna put on a show and oh by the way, you two are so pretty and cute with each other, work that into the “we are so happy and humble and our fans are the greatest act” would you? Then that oft spoke of chemistry became apparent to all and sundry before the show even aired. Oh my, a goldmine in the making. It certainly didn’t hurt anything that the affection between them likely was genuine and they really were flummoxed by the attention they attained so quickly. No one but the two of them really understands what it was like for them to be in that bubble together, at nearly the same age and stage of their careers. If they hadn’t leaned on each other, hadn’t formed a relationship of some kind, hadn’t sold said relationship at every opportunity and manipulated it for whatever reason they do, we wouldn’t be having this discussion. So mostly, kudos to them for a job well done, on multiple fronts, but it has not been perfect by any stretch of the imagination. 

Sam, I have often speculated on his sexuality, without judgement, needed to be presented as a single, heterosexual man. Wasn’t so important that Cait be sold as a single, heterosexual woman. It actually enhances the fanbase if she can be sold as a possible bisexual. It’s not like we are saying that the vast majority of the fanbase are conservative Christians. Sex sells, go with the most profitable options. Let the Sam is gay rumors float around without addressing them. Any attractive male actor is going to get tagged that way, and it will draw a certain segment.  Let the paps and fans throw some girls into the mix. No one threatening to the budding are they or aren’t they crowd though. No Cait clones. Sam you like blondes? OK. No one above D level status either, or it could distract the fans too much. Cait? Do whatever you like but keep it on the very downlow. We already have to sell you in the show as a woman in love with two men. We don’t want you looking desperate in any way. Perhaps a long term low key thing will work to keep the rumor mill in check. Maybe not, but it’s worth a shot. OK kids, let put on a show and the money will eventually flow. Oh, by the way, could the two of you roll out your charity endeavors as well? We know you both support things in real life, so be sure to let that be known. Do try not to be too political, what with the world as it is an all, but don’t be ostriches either. Oh, and sorry but PR says you have to sign these non disclosure contracts as well, and just so you know, there really is a morality clause but we don’t spell it out too clearly because that is what lawyers and loopholes are for. 

Then we got the show, and low and behold, a hit. That goldmine sure is bigger then any of us hoped for here at Starz/Lionsgate/Tallship/ etc…These fans are so nice, they bring things, they say nice things on SM, they send things and most of them love the adaptation and isn’t funny how much they like us together offscreen? Wow, guess we should keep on selling that too. What’s that you say? Some are panicky that we may be too close? Why? Oh, they think if we become a couple that we will eventually break up and ruin the show or something. Can’t have that, then the money will stop. What should be done? Nothing? Carry on as before? Ambiguity is best? Alrighty. Can I throw a bone to the shippers we have acquired along the way?  But what about the ones who don’t like us as a couple? Jeebus it’s getting harder to navigate these waters, why didn’t anyone prepare us for this part of it? What do you mean you just have to live it? Is that part of the contracts? oh.

Time for the intervention of the Troll Brigade, always lurking, but finally ready to find a way to break into the discussion. Mistakes were made here, not of epic proportions but enough that things began to crack around the edges. Threats were made, feelings were hurt, fans ran away, friends side eyed, Most importantly fingers began to be pointed. Advisors began to whisper in ears. Which group could likely take being battered the best to deflect attention from anything not fitting the needs of TPTB? Well, like all shows and fandoms, we have this pretty vocal shipper group. Nothing really wrong with shippers, they certainly like to promote, chatter and fangirl. Mostly harmless, although like any group of a like size, there will be some unstable ones. There is also a group of fairly rabid antis to consider. The neutrals can’t really be bothered to take the heat and would likely just walk away then take abuse. So, shippers it is then. Sorry ladies, but the writing was on the wall from  before last summer that some group would have to be sacrificed for the perceived greater good. 

It all went down hill from there. It hasn’t hit bottom yet. What can be done now to retain them or swap them to the neutral camp? You are seeing it unfold. Does this mean shipping S/C is dead? Of course not. Just backed into a corner, where hopefully, they will still fangirl, discuss, and spend money. Anytime they need more discussion or pap press or SM flare ups you can bet Shippers will be addressed in some manner. Too much money has come from them to let them go entirely no matter how Sam and Cait actually feel about them. They are a natural part of fandom, there will never be a time when they are gone completely. TPTB are counting on that. Only that F4 crowd really want them gone. 

Yes, I still count myself among the shippers. No, I don’t care if they have SOs or if their sexulaties preclude them being an actual couple. Yes, I will watch S3 at least. No, I don’t think it will go beyond S4, the material is not strong enough. Yes, I like passages of books after S3, but not the whole books. I am in F3. I have never harassed anyone about S/C, never commented on MM’s stuff, don’t follow her, am not a fan of hers, and frankly do not care whether or not Sam is dating her. It is not my job to be her fan, promote her or protect her. Nor is it my job to worship Sam and Cait, support them or protect them. I am not here for that. I do believe that there are some very talented, genuinely funny, and awesome women in the Shippers lane. I don’t pay attention to the antis, nor do I comment on their antics to them on Twitter. I do discuss them here, but only in a general way. I find the neutrals to be just that and respect they don’t want to get involved in flame wars. I have actually been saddened by the descent of Shitner, couldn’t care less about Camuso, and they, Purv and BG will face their own Karma. Not my circus, not my monkeys. 

Sam and Cait will fan the flames themselves now, no matter what they do. Until the time comes when they move on from the show, they are in a no win situation as far as some faction of the fandom goes. They likely don’t care. They are getting paid no matter what happens. If one of them cracks, my money is on Sam, he has charm and talent to spare, he will likely recovery in some fashion. He has MPC to pay him if he keeps that going. That’s right, not all the funding goes to charity, remember that. They will both getting acting gigs following Outlander. Life will go on. Much love to you Shipster Sisters, carry on.