to my friends: i’m dismissive and languish. i speak so sourly recently. i bring the mood down a lot and i make my abhorrent views somehow relatable. my mouth runs fast when it comes to the bad judgment i hold toward mere strangers. i know it’s repulsive of me to do but every fiber of my being has been embedded with negativity. so i can’t help it. i do have positive traits within me. they come out ever so rarely. usually when i’m with you. you see, my cynicism is rather infectious. that’s the last thing i want you to catch. but thankfully your smiles and laughter is more contagious. although i know most of you are already pretty despondent but i don’t want to make it any worse. other than being the personification of a heavy dark cloud, i’m also embarrassingly bad at expressing how i feel. it may not seem like it, but i value all of you. i love all of you deeply. if i didn’t have you, i’d be soaking in my despair. for so long, i believed that i’m invariably grief-stricken and when i think i’m happy, i’m really just distracted. but i’m wrong. you make me happy. you really do. i hold all of you so dearly. but believe it or not, there’s something worse than my gloomy personality; my growing fear of you not feeling the same towards me and losing you. i run on anxiety and melancholy, how could you stand me? i’m impressed i still have you until now (july 2, 2016 to be exact) you getting sick of me is inevitable but please bear in mind that i’ll never get tired of you. i’ll never get tired of your fascinating views, intelligent interjections, and your jokes (that can be funny sometimes. they’re amusing regardless). i’m not guilt-tripping you into tolerating me. please don’t make my sadness a reason for you to befriend me. i want you to be truthful and maybe even blatant. if you have the urge to drop me, do it. your ease before mine. i love you and that’s all i have to say. this letter is irritatingly in doldrums but it’s nothing but honest. i don’t want to dwell around this any longer. thank you for reading.
this has been sitting on my drafts for a year now and i’m just in awe reading it again for the first time. i don’t think i’ve looked back on it since it was written but wow. i was going through some shit. although it is still minutely relevant, i no longer feel the same way. 2016 thru most of 2017 wasn’t the best for me. and i’m gonna be honest, this was somewhat a suicide note. i don’t recall what happened on july 2, 2016 nor do i care to even remember but i remember crying. i remember my chest closing in and my blurry vision. my weak fingers typing on a wet keyboard. i was so sad. i had so much anxiety. but now i’ve grown. i realized that the only enemy was me. my demons, if you will. i haven’t beaten them - i haven’t won. but i am fighting. i couldn’t imagine where i’d be if i ended it all that day. i didn’t post this for any significant reason, i just happened to stumble upon it and i am still disturbed but somehow relieved. so my friends, don’t worry about me (idk if you guys are or did) i’m on the road to being okay. you could say i’m like the washed up sailor whose hut he built for shelter got burned. only to signal a passing ship to save him with the burning hut’s smoke. but nature didn’t burn my only source of safety and comfort. i did it myself. out of spite. out of hatred of myself. i thought i didn’t deserve that safety, that comfort. but the forces around me thought otherwise. and so did you. i love you all. thank you for being there for me.
stormborns
izzy806
tangentwithtanner
titsay
