I’m an overly emotional person, I’ve never denied that, but there is something so mortifying about crying at your desk in front of your coworkers, especially when it is for like no valid reason. That isn’t true, I think I’m okay being upset, but cry at my desk upset? Probably not.
My issue is this: my sisters. Don’t get me wrong, my sisters are two of my best friends, but lately I feel like compared to them I cannot win. Actually, in general I feel like I cannot win lately, but they have made me feel especially shitty. It is no surprise that I am poor as dirt. I’m also so lonely it physically hurts my chest (being single for NINE years will do that to you.) On top of that I hate my job (which pays me nothing, hence being poor as dirt.) I have zero idea what I want to do with my life which is horrifying to me. I live every day extremely planned out. I have strict budget that I have to follow because last month I emptied my savings account just to buy furniture. My sisters have not been alone for 9 years. They don’t know how much it stings for their cousin to say “you’re the only one of us that is single, aren’t you?” They don’t have to go to countless events without someone there to hold their hand while everyone is paired off (except my mom, who is my date to everything.) They don’t understand that me “dying alone” isn’t actually a funny joke because I live in fear that will happen (after 9 years it’s hard not to believe that.) I’m assuming they don’t almost cry every time they see a new baby on their newsfeed because all they actually want in life is to be a mom and they are terrified that, since they are going to probably die alone, being a mom isn’t in their future. Sometimes I just wish their relationships weren’t so in my face. I’m glad your happy, but I’m going to have unfollow you on twitter, you know?
They also both have goals and direction. Sure neither of them are 100 percent in the jobs they want, but they both know where they want to go. I have no idea what I want next and it terrifies me. They don’t know how hard it is to have not taken a vacation in 2 years because dad doesn’t live in Miami anymore and I cannot really afford to go anywhere because I have a hard enough time paying my bills. They go on cruises and trips to London and Disney and I feel like shit for considering spending $100 on a weekend ski trip with my friends. They don’t live with the self-guilt I live with every time I buy a new shirt because all of my old ones are too big, but I don’t really have the money for it. In fact, instead of trying to be supportive, they make me feel guilty every time I take out my credit card.
Of course I want my sisters to be happy, I love them both and I’m so proud of all they accomplish every day, I just wish sometimes they understood that I am drowning here. I want them to feel the embarrassment I feel at this moment because I can’t stop crying at my desk all because my little sister gave me shit about buying a $10 CD. First world problems, I know, but I can’t seem to stop and I desperately need to so that I can stop making my coworkers feel so uncomfortable and actually get my work done.
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