We were just practicing biting and clawing

"Look at this one," Kimi called, crouched over to read the display index for the Surinam toad. She felt a little bad for forcing Berlioz to come with her, but she was on a mission. Two missions, really: have a good time, and make sure her friend did too. And the search for that good time had led them to the amphibian room. Standing up, she could barely get her next sentence out before she burst into laughter. "He looks just like you!"

Had it not been for the joint they smoked before going to the exploratorium, Berlioz would have likely been anxious as all hell. He wasn't having the time of his life, but he wasn't not enjoying himself either. It was amusing watching Kimi examine each and every species they came across. What wasn't as entertaining was her comparison of Berli to a toad. His face stayed neutral when she stood up and cracked her joke. "Funny," he muttered and rolled his eyes. Berlioz smiled at her, trying not to seem like a total buzzkill and bore. "I promise I'm not hating every moment of this, but you'll have to do better than comparing me to a toad to offend me."

"I do not say this often, but I need a drink." Vitani wasn't a heavy drinker, nor a frequent one, but it had been a long and stressful week at work. Her feet hurt, and she was looking forward to her next day off. Her paycheck was going to look great, but it was starting to feel less and less worth it. Leaning against the bar, her gaze fell on Berlioz. "Do you want anything? I'm feeing strangely generous."

Berlioz was sitting at the bar after his shift. Vitani's voice caught his attention immediately. He looked at her, down to the empty glass he had just finished drinking from, and then back to her again. "Does it look like I don't want something?" He slid his empty glass across the bar. "I'm typically a vodka person, but if you're feeling generous...I'll let you pick the poison." Berlioz had mentally checked out for the day the second his shift ended. Having some drinks wouldn't hurt. "What are you thinking?"

This didn't have to be goodbye. That was the last thing Berlioz wanted. He was only speaking what he thought was the best for the both of them, but mostly Alice. When it came to the end of it all Berlioz was always going to do what he hoped was best for her. He should have probably communicated his feelings in a better way but it wasn't like he could change the past. His eyes darted to her face when she spoke. I want you to remember it all fondly. Berlioz almost scoffed. Of course he would but he would also dwell on what could of been and every thing he could have done better. "I could never forget you, Alice. You're unforgettable in all the best ways." His stubborn nature fought the sad expression that was trying to make it on his face. His eyes showed it all though as he finally found hers. His breath caught in his throat. It had been so long since he'd seen her that he almost got caught up in the feeling. "I don't do well with goodbyes either," he admitted, his voice almost getting caught in his throat as it threatened to crack. "I...I'm sorry. I'm sorry that things couldn't have been different and I couldn't be the person you deserve." A frown appeared on his face and he had to look away from her again. "I hope...for your sake, Alice...that you don't have to see me again. As much as I don't want to go...I have to. You're worth more than I could ever be and...I can't drag you down with myself."

" i still can't believe you have a brother and a sister . it's like you won the sibling lottery . " kiara mused as she poked and prodded at a few buttons on the face of his oven , cheeks and cotton sweatshirt littered with flour from the muffins she had been baking in his kitchen whilst he loomed like a shadow in the background .

" — i'm an only child and it's soooo boring . i had timone and pumba growing up but , they were more like , , , uncles who babysat me . not the same as having a brother . OR a sister . i would have killed for a sister . " turning to look at him , ever quiet in the dim light of his living room , kiara's expression suddenly shifted upon seeing his expression — wilted .

Berlioz winced at Kiara's first comment about siblings. Winning the lottery was one way of looking at it, but as far as he was concerned he was the losing number. Being an only child couldn't be that bad, he thought to himself. Kiara didn't know what she had, but then again neither did Berlioz. He watched her for a moment as she paraded around his kitchen covered in flour to bake...whatever it was she was making. Whatever 'it' was smelled delicious though.

Berlioz turned away from her, arms crossed over his chest as he leaned against the wall. "It's nothing," he said through gritted teeth. Siblings were a sore subject for him and he didn't want to elaborate much other than, "it's not like winning the lottery. Not everyone is blessed with great siblings." Not that he was a great one himself, but at least he knew that in his contorted vision of his family. "What's so great about sisters anyway? Brothers aren't much better." Especially when he hovered like a looming shadow that Berlioz couldn't run from. "Never mind," he said as he shook his head, strands of hair flying back and forth as he did. "What are you making? I wasn't listening earlier."

Berlioz didn't have time to process Kimi's words before her lips were back on his. It surprised him for a brief second but he didn't hesitate to kiss her back. Hands went from around her back to her waist, rising up her sides until he reached out and cupped her face in his hands. The kiss he returned her was generous and when she broke apart he took a large breath. "Even?" he asked with a raised brow when he had caught his breath. "Hmm...if you say so," he said mischievously. His thumbs wiped the mascara that had dripped onto her cheeks, only smudging it more. "Oops." He glanced towards her eyes then smirked. In all honesty, the hot mess look was working for her. Berlioz dropped his hands down to rest on her thighs, gently massaging his fingers against them. "You say it's even. Does that mean it's a competition? In that case, I'm afraid you'll lose." His lips found hers again and he pressed up against her to push her down on the couch. He broke his lips from hers briefly to whisper in her ear, "I think it could be a great distraction to play a game." He kissed just under her ear before going back to her lips, one hand going to rest on her waist.

Berlioz shook his head. "I don't want you to go," he admitted. He didn't want to be alone. "Besides, it's really late. You shouldn't risk going home now." It wasn't like he was going to sleep until the sun rose anyways. "Nothing to hold against. Promise." He smiled small at her, admiring the details on her face he always failed to notice from afar. "I like when you're here. Your company is...nice." He let out a soft, content sigh. His arms were still around her and he looked down at her, catching her gaze again. He wasn't sure what else to say in the moment. Thoughts were still hazy so when he leaned in and kissed her he didn't think twice. It wasn't until his lips had been on hers for a couple of seconds that he quickly pulled away. "Sorry..." he mumbled. "I think I was the one that got distracted when you were the one that needed to be in the first place."

Berlioz could see her inner turmoil. He could feel it too, weighing heavy on his own. He watched as she wiped her tears and it made him frown. Seeing Kimi sad was so rare and when it happened Berlioz wasn't always sure how to help. She was usually a beam of sunshine, not a sullen wreck. "It's alright, Kimi. You don't have to be sorry. I've...you have seen me having a lot more bad nights than you know." He let out a soft sigh and shook his head. "Stop that," he grumbled and waved his hand. She apologized too much, but so did he. "That's what friends are for. I would think you'd know you can come to me for anything by now." He wasn't trying to make her feel guilty but realized how his words might sound. "I'm here for you whenever you need me, is all I'm saying." He tilted her chin up and smiled at her. "We can find something to do. A distraction, whatever you need." His thumb gently caressed her jawline and his eyes finally found hers. They were so sad, but so so pretty. His smile began to falter the longer he gazed into them. "I'd take your pain away and bear it myself if I could," he told her softly. He wrapped his arms back around her and held her against his chest. Sometimes touch alone could bring a person comfort. "For now all I can do is try to help numb it."

"it really isn't a good time right now," alice mumbled lamely the moment berlioz came into view. there was never a good time. she had been avoiding him like the plague after he started confessing his feelings about her and then whitney and catherine went missing and she didn't have time for anyone that didn't involve the two. she wasn't working at the moment but she was still waiting up on cat to finish up so they could go spend a night in watching weird movies and distracting their brains from everything that had happened. "I...I don't know what to say..."

Berlioz stood face to face with Alice, his expression neutral as he listened to her speak first. He hadn't came to talk, not for long. Alice was a person that Berlioz once thought could life some of the misery on his shoulders and replace it with blissful peace. Her silence and avoidance made him understand. "I just came to say I...get it, I guess. I'm not gonna... I won't bother you again. I was never going to be good for you. This is for the best." It broke his heart to say the words because it meant saying goodbye to her. "I'll stay away from here. And...I'm sorry. I should have got the message sooner that you don't want anything to do with me." He didn't look her in the eye, he couldn't. He let his hair hang in his face as he looked anywhere but her. "So...that's it. If I happen to see you around I'll pretend you don't exist and you can do the same for me." It's not what Berli wanted but it's what he felt was needed. "I guess this is goodbye...or whatever."

Berlioz felt a lot of guilt and regret as the night of his brother's art show he was too fucked up to even attend. He hadn't been all night, even leading up to the show he was sober but as it neared his anxiety grew and he bailed. "You don't have to lie," he said. "I wish I could have been there." It wasn't a lie, but it wasn't wholly the truth either. "I couldn't get off work in time.'

With their lips so close and her demands for him Berlioz didn't think twice about what he said next. "I can be a distraction." His hand moved up her thigh and he closed the distance between their lips. Anastasia might be a royal pain in the ass but Berlioz wasn't stupid enough to say no to her. Besides, he enjoys their time together. It always ended with their scattered clothes on the floor and some sort of satisfaction that Berlioz couldn't quite explain. He didn't like Anastasia in the least unless it came to sex, and when it came to them...it was really only sex.

But of course that was not how the night wanted to go. He caught her gaze and started talking and Marie unintentionally started to guard herself. From her own brother. She had to laugh when he said he didn't hate her. If he didn't hate her then what the fuck was all of this? Sibling issues? No. It felt way stronger than all of that. She crossed her arms over her chest, hugging herself until he was done. "What would you say if I did say it ruined my night?" she asked softly. He always claimed he pushed for their benefit but it never worked that way. If she gave him what he wanted, would he find peace? Is family really ruining him this badly? "I'm not saying it's true. I just want to know."

What would he say? Marie's question had caught Berlioz off guard. He wasn't sure how to respond. It wasn't the drugs distorting his mind making him incapable of conjuring a single word of what he could-- would say to her. His incapability came in the form of him hurting when he saw his sister. Hurt and anger and regret and guilt. Everything came pouring down on him that moment she asked him that question. He gazed down at his sister. His bloodshot eyes spoke more than words ever could. He felt bitter towards his sister, angry she found him the night of the overdose. He wasn't angry at her. He was angry she found him and had to be the one to find him. There wasn't anything that could could change the feeling of regret and guilt he felt when he thought of how she had found him laying there. He wasn't even sure what the sight in front of her that night entailed for her but Berlioz did what he did best after that. He pushed her away.

"If you want the truth, Marie, it would probably be something nasty because that's how I work. I get angry from my own doing." He turned his head, needing to look away from her. "I would tell you I'm sorry though. I think I've ruined enough nights for you in one lifetime," he said bitterly. Berlioz looked back to his sister, sadness coating his eyes at this point. "I don't know what you want from me, Marie. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry you had to see your brother almost dying on the floor. I'm sorry you had to be the one to find me because you never deserved that, and I'm sorry you found me because if you hadn't you wouldn't have to deal with me any longer." His lips curve downward into a curve. "I'm mostly sorry that the sight of me alone ruins your entire night. By all means though, be my guest and enjoy yourself. I'll leave."

Just then he came back, but he was gone again before she even said anything, still caught up in her own thoughts. He wasn't away as long this time before reappearing with water for both of them. Twisting the cap off, she swallowed a generous amount; it probably wasn't a bad idea to hydrate after consuming alcohol, though she really didn't feel like she'd drank much. Maybe sadness had sobered her up. What a buzzkill.

"That's how you know it's good," she laughed, brought back to Earth by his coughing. "God, Berlioz, don't you dare die. If another person leaves me this week, I might just disintegrate myself." Not that her best fried and her mom were dead. Surely... surely they weren't dead. Fuck. She wasn't going to even allow those thoughts to wander, so she hurriedly flicked the lighter and took in a fair amount of smoke herself, trying not to cough up a lung before placing it on the table. That should be enough to mellow her out some. "Well, you're no Bob Ross, but..." Grinning at him, Kimi shook her head. "You're fine. I'm the Debbie Downer here. But beauty is pain and love hurts, right? I guess that's just a... shitty part of life."

Kimi laughing was possibly the best sound Berlioz could have heard all night. It gave him some sense of relief that he might be able to distract her for the night and lift her spirits. Seeing Kimi so down was unusual and it made Berlioz sad. "I'm not going anywhere," he said. "And neither are you. I'm not allowing it. So, we're not going to go down that path. Don't let your mind go there, Kimi." His voice was sincere as he spoke. It would do no use dwelling on the what ifs.

Berlioz's gaze followed her as she lit the pipe and inhaled. Her Bob Ross comment made him chuckle. "Yeah, my brother's the artist of the family. Not me." He looked back at Kimi and shook his head. "You're not a downer. Not tonight and not ever. Just because you're hurting doesn't mean you're still not fun to be around," he tried to assure her. But beauty is pain and love hurts, right? The words rang in his head over and over. She was right and it was a bitter truth. Berlioz's felt like every time his heart beat it was pressing so hard against his chest that it would break free. He had to keep his cool for Kimi. He needed a distraction for the both of them. "Life is always shitty, that's the harsh matter of reality. You have to find the not shitty things to distract you from the truth." He grabbed the pipe off the table and took another long hit as he lit it. Placing it back on the table he held the smoke in for a moment before slowly exhaling, only letting out a few short coughs. Hopefully that helped him chill out.

"Alright, we smoked. What do you want to do? There's plenty of options. You get to choose. Whatever you want." Berlioz looked back to her and locked eyes through the splits between hair that had fallen back in his eyes. For a few moments he just looked at her, something clicking in the back of his brain. Kimi was really pretty. It wasn't like Berlioz thought she wasn't. She was just...right there and so close. Maybe the weed was helping. He wasn't sure. He just knew that he was really attracted to her in that moment. Berli had to almost force himself to look away and shake another thought from his mind. "Or, uh, I can just put some music on. We can sit here and talk." He glances slightly back at her. "Like you said...I'm no Bob Ross, but...I don't know. I wish I knew how to make you feel better, Kimi."

"Don't worry about it, I'm practically mess blind," Kimi joked, pulling herself from her guilt to focus on the present. The present where both her best friend and her mom were nowhere to be found. "I... don't know," she admitted, looking around for half a second before she settled into the couch. She wanted to ask about his piano, but she had a feeling if he wanted to bring it up, he would. "If Lil was here, she would probably tell me to hit a bowl and cheer the fuck up." Someone else she had taken time with for granted. As much as she thought she appreciated Lil while she had her, it hadn't be enough. It could never be enough. "Maybe, if you feel like smoking. Maybe it will make me better company."

Berlioz half smiled at her. He didn't want to imagine having to bear the thought of his mother suddenly disappearing along with his best friend. He wasn't quite sure who he would consider his best friend but regardless if any of his friends or family went missing its safe to say he would be very unwell. "Well, maybe you should take her advice then." He shrugged. "I'm fine with it. Make your self comfortable. I'll be right back." He disappeared into his bedroom, pulling a box off his shelf with his weed essentials inside. Berli felt the itch crawling up his back to do a quick line. There was still a small bag of powder in his pocket from when they had been at the party. It was tempting, so tempting. So, Berli caved and quickly did what he needed to do. He wiped his nose, making sure there were no remnants of what he'd done left on him. When he was certain he was clear he quickly packed them a bowl then returned with the packed pipe and a clear bag with the rest of his weed.

"I didn't know how much you wanted to smoke," he said casually before setting the pipe and bag on the table. Berlioz could feel the drip in the back of his throat and he tried to swallow. He needed something to drink. "Water might help with this too." Without another word he quickly went into the kitchen and returned with two water bottles, handing one to Kimi before sitting on the couch. He opened his and took a few sips before setting it on the table and grabbing the pipe instead. He dug in his pocket for a lighter then pulled it out to light the bowl. After inhaling deeply he passed her the pipe. The high of the cocaine had crept up already and he felt like his mind was buzzing. Was he talking too much? Being pushy? A million thoughts had popped into his mind as a bit of anxiety came over him. The weed would calm him down, he told himself. He hoped so.

Berli hadn't realized he'd held the smoke in for so long then turned and began coughing into his arm. When he caught his breath he grabbed the water again and drank. He really hoped he wasn't throwing the vibe off, but it was hopefully just his anxiety talking. He smiled at Kimi before saying, "I thought I was dying there for a moment." He let out a light laugh and brushed his hair from his eyes. "I swear it won't kill you though. What is it they say? Beauty is pain, or something like that. Same thing goes for weed, I guess." His feeble attempt to make her laugh was almost pathetic. His eyes found hers and he tilted his head to the side. "I'm pretty terrible at this cheering people up thing, aren't I?"

But she stood still and silent instead, inhaling sharply as he continued to speak. It was hard to hear him say it, to know that he still felt the way she knew that he did deep down. To think he would rather this world go on without him. It was almost too much for her to bear, but she managed to keep her own tears from springing into her eyes as she stepped forward, wiping the moisture from his cheeks with her thumbs. It pained her to see him cry. It was so much easier when he was younger, when it seemed like band-aids and tickle monsters fixed everything. The world was just as complicated then as it was now, but her children were young enough to not realize it. Young enough for her to be able to keep them safe.

"Why don't we get you to bed?" She finally spoke, realizing the silence was going on too long. Hands moving from his face, she tucked a strand of hair behind his ear, trying not to let the sadness show in her smile. She wanted him to come to her when he felt like this. She didn't want him to think it was a bad decision, that he was bothering her, that he was burdening her. He could never burden her. "I'll get you some water, and you'll feel better in the morning."

Unfortunately, at this point, Duchess couldn't even fool herself into believing that.

Berlioz's breathing became more erratic as the seconds passed by. He felt like the walls were closing in on him and his vision began to blur. Panic washed over him as she took a step closer, fearing she would smell the alcohol coating his shaky breaths. Instead of wanting to dodge away or step further back he let Duchess raise her hands to his face and wipe his tears away. Her hands felt cool compared to his hot, flushed cheeks. For a moment he wanted to let her soothe him, do the exact thing he'd came here for. As his eyes had locked with hers for a brief moment he knew that she wasn't a fool and would be able to tell he's been on drugs from more than just his behavior.

When his mother mentioned getting him to bed his anger and panic levels began to rise more. There it was. She was treating him like a child. Like he was helpless. Like he was fragile. Berlioz pulled away from her when her hand reached to move his hair. He shook his head so it fell back into his space. Maybe out of spite, maybe because he didn't know what else to do. "Stop it. Just stop! I can't fucking take it anymore!" he let out as his voice raised. "Everyone treats me like I'm some pathetic baby and I'm so sick of it. I can't handle it anymore. I'm going to snap!" And maybe he had as his chest heaved up and down from the way he was breathing and how there was a defeated expression on his face.

"Coming here was a mistake. I knew I shouldn't have I--" He patted his pockets back down for his keys again, already forgetting that he'd forgotten them. He stopped for a moment, trying to remember how he got there. Looking back at his mother he knew she was hurting too and he was the cause of it. He seemed to be the cause of a lot of problems. "I love you, Mama, I do. I just...everyone treats me like I'm going to break in half. Maybe I am, I don't know. Sometimes I wish I would just break to death." Did his words make sense? Was he getting his point across. "I wish Marie never found me. I really really wish that. I don't care what happens anymore. I can't take this feeling in my chest anymore. Every single day all day long." That's where the drugs came in. To numb the feeling.

"I don't want to carry on if I have to feel so miserable." His throat was scratchy, still burning from the drip, and his voice hoarse. "I'm sorry you had to end up with me as your son. I'm sorry for everything I do. I know you hurt too and I know that I'm the cause. It eats me alive. My family thinks I hate them but I don't. You would all be better off without me. Everyone probably would." Tears continued to run down his face and he finally looked back to meet Duchess' eyes. The scene he had played out was pathetic to Berlioz. Everything he did was. His mind was so lost and distorted that even the one thing that numbed him couldn't have helped him in any way that night. And mixing them together hadn't done much to help either.

His eyes slowly blinked a few times as he grew dizzy and clutched the edge of the counter. For what felt like eons but was a few moments all time stopped and Berlioz grew confused. He rubbed his forehead and closed his eyes for a moment. "I-- Water. Please," he asked her. "I'm..." He tried to open his eyes but it was a mistake as he felt instantly nauseous. As the room spun more he let himself sink down to the floor and leaned his head against the counter. He took a deep breath before trying to speak again, the effects of a panic attack and drugs taking over him. "I don't wanna wake up anymore."