Jazy López

Torres, eyeing Murphy like he’s a snack: Damn Seska: Murphy better run. Torres: He’s dating a Delaney sister. Seska: Not anymore. Dumb and Dumber called dibs. Torres: Harry, is it true you about you two and the Delaney sisters- Kim: Tom, what the fuck did you tell people? Paris: You and Jenny disappeared on a gondola in Venice. Kim: And nothing happened! Torres: Spill Kim: …I fell out of the gondola. Kim: I was betrayed by gravity. Paris: Dude was worried Jenny was gonna eat him alive.

Janeway: Aw, look, Tuvok, the kids are bonding. Tuvok: Statistically, gossip increases efficiency. Janeway: I love science.

Chakotay: Captain, distress call incoming. Janeway: Great. Who’s dying now?

Gath: Hello, strangers. You are in distress. Janeway: …We’re not. Gath: But we sent a distress call. Janeway: Why? Gath: Because you are distressed. Janeway: I mean, emotionally, very, yes, but— Gath: Let me aboard. I have gifts! Janeway: …Tell me more?

Janeway: You didn’t need to cook for us. Gath: I insist. I love feeding strangers. Neelix: But Captain, I’m serving lunch soon. Janeway: Neelix, hush. Let the man cook.

Gath: We heard stories about you. Lost, lonely, traumatised. Janeway: Accurate. Janeway: Tuvok, shore leave improves efficiency, right? Tuvok: Indeed. Janeway: We’re going.

Gath: Pick anything you like. Janeway: This fabric is delicate. Gath: It’s made from moonlight flowers. Want a dress? Janeway: No. Gath: A negligee? Janeway: A scarf. Gath: You are astonishingly difficult to seduce.

Kim: That’s beautiful. Eudana: It’s a weather sensor. Kim: Non-linear resonance? Eudana: Are you a scientist? Kim: Worse - I’m a nerd. Eudana: Show me your stories. Kim: … My what? Eudana: Come with me. To a private place. Kim: Did I just get lucky?

Kim: Where are we? Eudana: Alastria. Kim: Where is that? Eudana: Half a galaxy, far, far away... Eudana: Feel the breeze. Kim: I’m calling my boss.

Janeway: I lost track of time. Gath: Because you’re enjoying yourself. Janeway: I am. Gath: *leans in for a kiss* Kim: CAPTAIN. Janeway: I WASN'T CHEATING ON MARK! Kim: …What? Janeway: What?

Kim: They have a space-folding platform. Janeway: What? Kim: It does the wibbly wobbly, without the timey wimey. Gath: We just call it a spatial trajector. Janeway: Can we use it? Gath: No. Kim: But— Gath: Still No. Janeway: Why? Gath: Laws. Kim: Your laws suck. Gath: Our laws don't care.

Janeway: This is what aliens feel like when we say no. Paris: Even we think the Prime Directive is dumb sometimes. Tuvok: Maybe “no” means “negotiate.” Torres: Maybe they want something. Kim: They consume stories like they're crack. Janeway: Perfect. We’ll offer then our fanfiction archive.

Gath: This pie is exquisite. Janeway: Pecan. Gath: I want the recipe. Janeway: If you want my pie, you'll have to give me the trajector. Gath: No. Janeway: What if you send us? Gath: Maybe. I’ll ask the Magistrates. Janeway: Good. Eat your pie.

Torres: Carey. Carey: Yeah? Torres: Want to illegally reverse-engineer alien technology? Carey: I’m thought you'd never ask. Seska: Count me in. Let’s do crime.

Jaret: I’ll give you the trajector matrix. Kim: Let me talk to my boss. Jaret: Please just take the damn thing. Stories are narcotics to us. Kim: … Jaret: I want to be a drug dealer.

Kim: I don’t know what to do. Seska: Take it. Torres: Without permission? Seska: Permission is for losers.

Janeway: Tuvok, what do I do? Tuvok: Two choices: shady man or other shady man. Janeway: I hate this fucking quadrant. Tuvok: Determine if Gath will help. Janeway: He won’t. Tuvok: Then you know your answer. Janeway: I hate logic.

Janeway: Did you ask the Magistrates? Gath: No. Janeway: Gath: I was distracted. Janeway: By? Gath: You. Janeway: That's not flattering. Gath: Stay forever. Janeway: You'll get bored of me in a week. Gath: But I intend to seduce you. Janeway: Congratulations. Janeway: You've achieved the opposite.

Seska: We downloaded the fanfic. Ayala's written some spicy stuff. Torres: We’re under orders. Seska: Orders are optional. Torres: Fine. Let’s do it. Tuvok: Halt. I shall commit the crime personally. Torres: You were going to download the fanfic? Tuvok: Yes. Torres: Hypocrite. Tuvok: Correct.

Tuvok: Don’t activate it until I speak to the captain. Seska: Eat shit and die, Tuvok. I know what I'm doing. Seska: Actually… I may not know what I'm doing. Janeway: B'Elanna, what the fuck are you doing down there in Engineering? B'Elanna: Panicking… why? Seska: I can fix it

BOOM!

Seska: Actually, no I can't Seska: Where's the recycle bin on this computer? B'Elanna: Seska, bestie… B'Elanna: I'm replacing you with Carey. Seska: I have never been so insulted.

Torres: This one's on me, Captain. Tuvok: Incorrect. It is on me. Janeway: YOU? Tuvok: I conducted the illegal exchange. They are most intrigued by the Omegaverse Janeway: …I'll get back to you in a minute, Tuvok. Janeway: B'Elanna. Torres: Yes, Captain? Janeway: You're on spectacularly thin ice.

Janeway: Captain's log - We’ve discovered a new element. I wonder if they'll let me call it Janewayium? Janeway: Actually that sounds really fucking stupid so forget it. Janeway: Maybe Kathrynium?

Kim: Captain, this new element's got a fat ass. Janeway: Let's get us some of that booty!

On the Asteroid

Chakotay: What the hell is this? Torres: It's a cobweb you fucking moron.

Torres: …And now I see dead people. Kim: This is fine.

Chakotay: Captain, one of the bodies arrived twelve hours ago. Janeway: Arrived? Like Amazon Prime? Chakotay: Yes. But with more eco-friendly packaging

Kim: We should study them. Chakotay: We should not study them. Kim: But they're covered in the fat element Chakotay: Then we definitely don't want any of that booty

Kim: Commander, I think something funky's going on Chakotay: Tricorders! Kim: You literally just told us not to use tricorders. Chakotay: Don't worry - desecrating burial sites used to be something of a hobby. Kim: What? Chakotay: What?

Seska: I’m doing a blind beam‑out. Janeway: Seska, that phrase has never once led to good outcomes. Seska: Oh, fucking hell I actually manage to rescue them. Fuck my life. Seska: What a day to overact competency

Kim disappears. A corpse appears.

Torres: We lost Harry but gained a dead woman. That’s… not a trade I wanted. Janeway: Why does my kid keep getting kidnapped?

EMH: I revived her. You’re welcome. Janeway: Doctor, she thinks this is the afterlife. EMH: Well, she’s wrong. The afterlife has better staffing.

Kim: Is this a coffin? What the fuck?

Neria: You came from the Next Emanation. Kim: I came from an asteroid full of dead people. Neria: We're going to pretend we didn't hear that and then we're probably going to dissect you.

Hatil: I’m scheduled to die today. Kim: I’m scheduled to panic today. Hatil: My family thinks it’s best. Kim: Your family needs therapy.

Torres: Captain, bodies keep appearing on the ship. Janeway: I'm sick of this solar system already. Tuvok: Crewmembers keep tripping over dead people. Janeway: I'm sick of this whole fucking quadrant.

Ptera: Where is my afterlife? Kes: Maybe your soul moved on. Ptera: We don’t have souls. Kes: …Well that complicates things.

Torres: We can recreate the transporter accident. Janeway: We’re recreating an accident on purpose? Chakotay: Yes. Janeway, tearing up: Starfleet would be proud.

Ptera: This ship is so grey and the food is so boring I'd rather die than stay here, sign me up for the accident. Janeway: This all worked out very neatly. I love when a plan comes together!

Seska: I’m losing her pattern! Janeway: Stop losing people! Seska: Don't fucking tell me what to do! Kes: She’s dead. Seska: Oh my, oh dear, I'm shook, really. What a surprise!

Neria: Harry, people are scared of you. Kim: But... people usually find me cute and harmless.

Hatil: I don’t want to die. Kim: Then don’t. Hatil: My family expects it. Kim: How big is your life insurance policy? Just fake your death! Hatil: You're insane. Kim: My boss is Kathryn Janeway, so that tracks.

Kim, wrapped like a mummy: Goodbye, wife. Hatil's wife: See you in the afterlife. Kim, inside the coffin instead: Surprise, suckers!