There's Incorrect Quotes in that Nebula

Janeway: Captain’s Log: I’m going to go LARP as a Victorian governess before I cut a bitch.

Miss Templeton: Welcome to Lord Burleigh’s house. If you mess with him I will kill you. Janeway: That's fine. I can kill you with the “delete program” command. Burleigh: Hello. My kids are feral and disturbed. Fix them. Also don’t go to the fourth floor. Ever. Janeway: Totally not ominous.

Kim: Captain, Chakotay and Tuvok are dying. Again. Janeway: Sigh. End holonovel. Back to real problems.

Doctor: I think the aliens meant to empty Chakotay's recycling bin and ended up deleting everything Doctor: Why am I stuck in a partial remake of Spock's Brain? Janeway: Why did you give him the sexy, sparkly blanket? Doctor: ...I'm trying to brighten up your day?

Tuvok (waking up): We were attacked by a ship in a dark matter nebula. Janeway: Why? Tuvok: Unknown. I was unconscious. Commander Chakotay was… even more unconscious.

Paris: Captain, the ship keeps changing course and it wasn’t me. Kim: The computer says it was you. Paris: She's lying!

Torres: Captain, I didn’t shut down the warp core. Janeway: Well someone did, and it was definitely you. Torres: No I fucking didn't!

Janeway: This ship is becoming a gaslighting simulator.

Doctor: Something used Mr Paris and Ms Torres' brains like rental cars. Janeway: So we have a car-pooling alien onboard? Tuvok: Correct. Paris: Can it hop into the Doctor? Doctor: I’m holographic, Lieutenant. I am immune to possession and nonsense. Janeway: Doctor, congratulations. You’re now the failsafe commander of Voyager. Doctor: I dislike this. Janeway: If any of us act weird, you override us. Doctor: I already override you emotionally. Paris: I suddenly feel safer.

Kes: Captain, I sense an alien presence. It’s weird. It’s everywhere, and accompanied by an ominous pan pipe leitmotif. Janeway: Great. Love that for us. Tuvok: I can help her focus with a mind‑meld. Kes: Sure, let’s do psychic teamwork. Janeway: Proceed. Try not to explode anything.

Kes and Tuvok: *unconscious* Kim: Oh good. The alien’s speedrunning the crew.

Tuvok: We were attacked again. Same weird energy. Paris: Let’s scan the whole ship at once. Kim, staring into the void: Tuvok: I must end Mr. Kim. Kim: WHAT DID I DO?!

Neelix: Doctor, Ensign Parsons is possessed. Doctor: Neelix, a man suddenly ordering a frappe is not evidence of alien possession.

Janeway: Kes was physically attacked. Not energy‑zapped. Tuvok: I did nothing. Maybe it was Vorik? Janeway: I know Vorik can be special, but in this instance I think the alien took you for a test drive Tuvok, pouting: Fine, scan me then. Janeway: Computer, activate the Doctor. Computer: No. Janeway: …No? Computer: He’s been attacked by ransomware. Tuvok: The alien wants the command codes back in a humanoid so he can possess them.

Janeway: It wants me then, oh, joy. Fuck this whole quadrant. Let’s split the codes before someone puppets me like a marionette. Janeway: Crew, the Doctor’s offline. We’re dividing command codes— Janeway: *Decks Tuvok* Tuvok: She’s the alien! Kill her! I mean, stun her! Tuvok: *shoots everyone* Tuvok: That was much easier

Torres: Captain, we have another sentient nebula on our hands. This one likes to delete brains. Janeway: So Tuvok's pants are on fire? Torres: Alien‑possessed Tuvok lied. Tuvok: No I didn't, look at these sensor readings Janeway: That looks like a lot of fake news to me Tuvok, draws phaser: I'm in charge, the captain is possessed. I’m taking command. Kim: With all due respect sir, no.

Durst: We’re entering the nebula Kim: Captain, energy beings incoming. Durst: I just had expositionary dialogue. Does this mean I'm not a redshirt anymore?

Tuvok (alien voice): We are the Komar. All your base are belong to us.

B'Elanna: I think I just got alien‑hijacked. I ejected the warp core. Paris: How?! The alien’s in Tuvok! Kim: Unless… there are two aliens. Janeway: Computer, who authorised the warp core ejection? Computer: The brain dead wonder in sickbay did.

Neelix: Captain, I think I was possessed. I rearranged Chakotay’s weird cloth and rock thing. Janeway: Put it on screen. Paris: It’s a map. Janeway: How the fuck you work that one out? Paris: It's here in the script Janeway: Paris: …The stones match the planetoids?

Durst: Shields failing! I'm officially a mauve shirt! Kim: We’re clear! The aliens aren’t pursuing!

Janeway: Captains log, still looking for gas and shit.

Torres: Well, it took some time, but we have gas! Janeway: Excellent. Wake Harry up and make him shove his face in it. Torres: I think he’s sleeping Janeway: I don’t care. Janeway to Kim - rise and sniff. Computer: Ensign who?

Tuvok: Sensor logs says Mr Kim simply vanished Chakotay: He went to the holodeck. Maybe he’s pretending to be a ninja again. Janeway: No one is that good at ninja. Not on my ship. Go find out what weird crap he loaded this time.

Chakotay: Computer, this doesn't look like Naruto. What is it? Computer: Beowulf. Tuvok: Beowulf? Chakotay: Denmark, but with monsters and really bad lighting.

Freya: Tell me who you are or I’ll cut your head off! Tuvok: Computer, delete this woman Freya: I am Freya, shield maiden, daughter of King Hrothgar, potential love interest of Beowulf. Tuvok: Could you just… move? Freya: YOU SHALL NOT PASS Chakotay: We know Beowulf Freya: Yes. He was as brave as he was sexy, a true feast for the eyes! Tuvok: Commander, are you sure we know Beowulf? Chakotay: Well he’s hardly going to cast himself as the monster now is he? Tuvok: A reasonable assumption. Freya: He died horribly. Come with me!

Freya: Hail, Lord Hrothgar! I bring Beowulf’s besties: Chakotay: Claus. Tuvok: …Thor. Hrothgar: Welcome to my miserable kingdom. Chakotay: How did Beowulf die? Tuvok: Please include gore. Hrothgar: Grendel got him. Chakotay: Did anyone actually see him die? Freya: No. Beowulf chose to face Grendel alone. Chakotay: Classic Harry Kim behaviour. Tuvok: Clearly, he was trying to impress Freya. Freya: He was so noble…

Unferth: Here, have some swords Hrothgar: You can guard us tonight. And die. Chakotay: Sure, why not.

Chakotay: Captain, I think Harry got himself killed trying to get laid. Janeway: He can’t do anything normally. Tuvok: He attempted to woo a tall blonde Danish woman by fighting a monster. Janeway: Scan the holodeck. Find his dumb ass. Paris, crying: If only Jenny Delaney hadn’t made him jump out of that Gondola

Tuvok: Why do humans love monsters? They’re stupid Chakotay: Every culture has demons. Tuvok: Vulcan doesn’t Chakotay: Because Vulcan is boring as hell.

Janeway: Chakotay, some of that funky gas is in the holodeck. Torres: That might be my fault Janeway: There’s also some in the replicators. We’re eating Neelix’s cooking for a week. Tuvok: I hate to say this, but there’s a possibility Mr Kim may have become a ball of gas Janeway: Just another day in the Delta Quadrant Chakotay: A monster is approaching us Tuvok: It looks glowy and gassy. Permission to sniff it Janeway: Granted Torres: I can’t read them anymore. They might have turned into gas? Janeway: …Oops? Paris: I always said Chakotay was just a bag of hot air, but I didn’t expect him to prove. How are we rescuing them?

EMH: Me? Paris: Now, you really are a bag of gas. You can go there Janeway: Congrats on your first away mission doctor EMH: I don’t like this Kes: You're nervous about this mission, aren't you? EMH: Nervous? Do I look nervous? Whatever gave you that impression?!?!

Freya: Tell me who you are or I’ll cut your head off! EMH: Ah, Freya, the kingdom’s nepo baby. Freya: Sorcery! EMH: No, I’m just a fanboy Freya: Flatter me. EMH: Gladly Freya: Thank you… Mr? EMH: The name’s… Schweitzer. Doctor Schweitzer. Freya: Schweitzer. A hero's name.

Freya: Look! I found mushrooms EMH: That might entice our missing mushroom addict. What will you do with them? Freya: Boil them, drink them, get high, fight stuff. EMH: That’ll probably kill you Freya: You are very smart!

Hrothgar: Eat.. EMH: What is it? Hrothgar: Elk. We’ve nearly eaten them all! Unferth: Tell us how amazing you are EMH: Finally, an appreciative audience EMH: I once saved my ship from measles.

Freya, dropping her armour: The nights here are cold. EMH: Same, but emotionally Freya: Sometimes I see my own death. EMH: Sometimes I see my battery percentage drop and feel the same thing. Freya: *kisses the doctor* Freya: You know where my room is, make sure you have enough battery left.

EMH: Holodeck to Bridge. Janeway: How are you doing? EMH: I may have just been sexually harassed but enjoyed it. Janeway: Fucking hell Doctor, focus! EMH: Captain, something wibbly-wobbly is coming right for me!

Janeway: Sickbay, did you get him? Paris: Well, it turns out our knight in shining armour is mostly ‘armless EMH: I’ll remember this next time I do your physical…

Torres: I think the gas is sentient Janeway: Of course it is. I fucking hate this quadrant

Paris: Okay, I’ve initiated a polarisation field. Torres: Translation: you pressed a button and prayed. Paris: We’re getting a reaction. Torres: Great. Your science experiment is trying to escape. Paris: Those synaptic patterns could be a neural net. Torres: Fantastic. We kidnapped a brain.

Torres: We’ve sprung a gas leak! Torres: It’s trying to escape Janeway: Let it go

Janeway: We’ve found a glowing Airbnb in space, with three bio-electrical patterns inside it. EMH: Bio-electrical? Janeway: Yes, Doctor. After all Harry, Tuvok and Chakotay did turn into glowsticks. Torres: How did they get there? Janeway: Because we kidnapped their hosts. We’re the bad guys. Again. EMH: So they retaliated? Janeway: Yes. Turns out kidnapping is frowned upon universally.

Freya: Lord Schweitzer! We thought Grendel took you. EMH: He took my arm. Minor inconvenience. EMH: This is a talisman to destroy Grendel. Unferth: Prepare to die, demon! EMH: Please stop trying to kill me. I’m expensive. Unferth: *tries to stab the Doctor* Freya: *tries to stab Unferth* Unferth: *stabs Freya* Freya: My time has come. EMH: Can't relate - turning me off and back on again usually does the trick. Freya: Take my sword. EMH: Ooh...office décor!

Unferth: He killed Freya! EMH: Oh, please, I can barely harm myself! EMH: Grendel, Come out and say hi.

Doors explode open

EMH: Okay, big guy, watch this. Here’s your glowing cousin or whatever. Please don’t eat anyone.

Little light zooms to big light

EMH: Please return our crew. Grendel:Okay

Harry, Tuvok and Chakotay appear

EMH: We have them back, Captain. All three. Kim: What happened? Can I go back to my holoprogram? EMH: No. Your girlfriend is dead.

Carey: Commander! I found apples! Neelix: Those are death apples. Carey: Neelix: They'll kill you while making you feel like you've been stabbed in the testicles! Chakotay: Why are you smiling while explaining this? Neelix: I dunno, try eating this ugly little bastard instead! Neelix: *hands Chakotay a Leola root* Chakotay: *takes a bite, spits out out, narrowly avoids vomiting* Chakotay: Are you trying to kill us? Neelix: The gag reflex subsides if you cook it Chakotay: Will cooking it improve the taste? Neelix: Nope!

Paris: Captain, something’s lurking. Tuvok: Cloaked ship. Janeway: Great. Who’s stalking us now? Tuvok: Kazon. Janeway: Of course it is.

Chakotay: Where’s Seska? Kim: Probably in a cave doing crimes. Kim: Or picking berries.

Seska: Oh thank the Prophets, it’s you. Chakotay: Why are you here? Seska: Mushrooms. I wanted to get you high, I mean, make you soup. Chakotay: We’re being shot at. Seska: But I found shrooms.

Seska: Here you go sweetheart, one steaming hot bowl of perfectly normal soup Seska: Neelix tried to add leola root. I fought him. Chakotay: Nice Seska: Then a few folks started crying to distract Neelix and then I stole the shrooms! Neelix: Neelix to Chakotay! I am a reporting a serious crime! Chakotay: I know Neelix: It was that bitch Seska! Neelix: The soup's actually quite good, but how did Ayala put it? It's making him trip balls Ayala: I CAN SEE SOUNDS Chakotay: Understood, I'll punish the criminals myself Seska, grinning: Chakotay: Not like that, you're on bread and water for two days Seska: I don't like the sound of that, how about you spank me instead? Chakotay: No Seska: You're no fun anymore. I’ll flirt with Harry instead.

Kazon: Help us. We’re dying. Neelix: It’s a trap. Janeway: Probably. Let’s go anyway.

Torres: Why are there Kazon melted into the walls? Tuvok: Radiation. Torres: This panel reads "Property of the USS Voyager. No stealing." Tuvok: How predictable of the Kazon to not know how to read

Tuvok: Someone betrayed Voyager. Janeway: Evidence? Tuvok: Not yet. Janeway: Then why are we standing here? Tuvok: Vibes.

Torres: It'll be done tomorrow. Janeway: Today. Torres: No. Janeway: Excuse me? Torres: I am an engineer, not a wizard. Seska: I'll gladly give my life to sort out this minor inconvenience Torres: Sounds sus but okay Chakotay: No that does sound sus, better conspicuously stick Seska on the bridge instead Chakotay: And Janeway enjoys glaring at her so I'll get brownie points

Seska: Why did you pull me off the mission? Chakotay: Divas don't get away missions. Seska: Does being a diva make me a traitor? Chakotay: I’m protecting you. Seska: You're the worst husband ever. Chakotay: I'm not even your boyfriend anymore!

Kes: Your blood isn’t Bajoran. Seska: Childhood disease. EMH: We need your blood sample. Seska: Sorry, I’m busy being dramatic.

Torres: Seska's beamed over to the Kazon ship Tuvok: Her behaviour remains…sus Chakotay: Seska, I told you to quit being a diva! Seska: Fuck off dearest, don't get in the way of my selfish selflessness Seska: Also I want B'Elanna and Carey to look bad Kim: Beaming her back Janeway: Don't - you might kill her! Tuvok: That would actually solve some problems for us Seska: *screams*

Janeway: Did you contact the Kazon? Carey: No! Ask Seska! Janeway: You’re confined to quarters. Carey: This is bullshit.

Culluh: Show me the survivor. EMH: We replaced his blood. Culluh: Cool. *stabs him* EMH: He’s dead. Janeway: Get off my ship.

EMH: Seska isn’t Bajoran. EMH: She’s Cardassian. Janeway: Oh for fuck’s sake. Janeway: I fucking hate the Alpha Quadrant.

Janeway: We'll interrogate her once we get our stuff back. Let's do it! Torres: I did it already, because I'm the competent one, not the dramatic one Torres: Get this, it was a food replicator, and they were trying to replicate.. Yamok Sauce and Kanar? Torres: Losers

Chakotay: You’re Cardassian. Seska: Childhood virus! Bone marrow transplant! Drama! Chakotay: I don’t know what to believe. Seska: Believe that I love you. Chakotay: I believe I’m confused.

Tuvok: Gin. Chakotay: I'd really prefer tequila during this stakeout.

Seska: Chakotay, what’s wrong? Chakotay: We know who gave the Kazon our tech. Seska: Who? Chakotay: You, and you framed yourself. Seska: Why would I frame myself? Chakotay: Because you knew we’d think you weren’t that stupid, but you are that stupid. Seska: Ever consider someone else framed me? Chakotay: We traced it. Sickbay. Nice try. Chakotay: Also, you’re Cardassian. EMH: Yup. Your blood says “Spoonhead” in big neon letters. Chakotay: Why’d you do it? Seska: Because you went from badass Maquis who showed me a good time to Janeway's fucking simp Janeway: You tried to politically destabilise an entire quadrant because you found out Chakotay likes redheads? Seska: Pretty much. Seska: Anyway, this ship sucks ass. Byeee

Paris: Kazon ship going to warp. Janeway: We’ll deal with Seska later, if they don't accidentally kill her while they heat up soup or something. Janeway: The heck did you see in her anyway? Chakotay: Uhm… Chakotay: I have a weakness for crazy people?