I mourned a lot in 2017. Two sad deaths of relatives (one of them being very close to my heart) didn't put things into perspective for me, but it nearly changed the person that I am completely. It's been a long time. A very long time. So much has happened in the past 12 months. I couldn't find any time to take it all in and process the changes that were deeply affecting my surroundings and my thoughts. And because these changes seemed to affect me so drastically, I stayed away from writing. I stayed from most of the things was passionate about and let myself become infatuated with the earthly things that would keep me temporarily satisfied. I was leading an unhealthy lifestyle...a lifestyle that could've potentially hindered my growth as a human being. I wasn't secretly creating a separate life, but I was absorbing myself into things that would distract me from pondering on the grief.
Before all of this, I thought I figured it out. I had a step-by-step guide on how to move on and get over things...I felt like I was never going to be brought down, again. I didn't feel invincible, but I felt strong enough to take on whatever started to come my way (with some help). All of a sudden, it seemed like the world was a completely new place for me to figure out. None of what I knew or learned was making any sense in this unfamiliar territory. I was trying to learn how to fit in all the communities and places I was so richly and deeply a part of, but it felt like I was drowning in a lot of my emotions, grief, and thoughts. All I wanted was time to process what I was going through because I couldn't understand what these emotions were. I was urgently waiting for a purpose of why these things were happening to me. So, I put off school for a semester to give myself a mental break.
Socializing, even with the people I'm very close to, became such a heavy burden to me. It started to feel like a chore that I dreaded. The social exhaustion began to drain me as each month passed because it felt like a responsibility that I was obligated to take care of on a daily basis. Some people were easier for me to hang with, while others seemed like I needed to prepare myself to socialize with them. I wanted to keep in touch with everyone, but I didn't know how to, anymore. I found myself wanting to stay home rather than make it out for a friend's birthday party or some get-togethers. The thought of socializing with everyone started to freak me out in a way that some people would feel nervous before doing a big presentation in front many people. Because I knew I could escape that anxiety, I constantly chose to stay home in the comfort of my room and play PS4 for the rest of the night. My anxiety of social interaction became bigger than my fear of missing out. I was very selective with the people I wanted to hang out with. If I did make it out for college Bible study, a night out with friends, or even hanging out at a friend's house...I wanted to leave as soon as possible once my tolerance of being around people became so low. My mental energy to keep up with my surroundings would run out sooner than I wanted it too. I wanted nothing more to spend the whole day in my room doing absolutely nothing, away from the world and what I had to do for it. Everything started to become mentally draining at the end of the day.
So many days started to just feel like this. The days were so long and dragging, and I soon realized so many of these days were piling up behind me. I felt like I was going through life on auto-pilot because I seemed to dwell on these things that trickled in my mind. All I can say is that I seem to always be tired. And I don't know what "catching a break" means, anymore.
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