I’ve written on here about every girl I interacted with or had feelings forfrom Chai to Jei, to Phi, to talking to Joy, to Angel and finally the supposed love of my life Camille.

My time with Camille recently ended back in February after 4 1/2 years, and today was supposed to be our 5 year anniversary but so much shit happened and I’d rather not bother with the details. But the energy shifted and I don’t wanna bother playing the blame game, because frankly after 4 months of back and forth and nonstop drama. I. Am. Tired.

I’ve been told things could have been different. I’m told people in our ear doomed us. I’m told we still could’ve fixed things. But she left me, and I declined her not once but TWICE, and after things I’ve heard as of late, I feel so validated in my decision that I cannot help but feel it was meant to be. That I was right in my choice to decline both times.

I carried resentment in my heart because I felt crushed by her, I felt abandoned, i felt talked down to. I questioned my self worth. But us splitting was inevitable. Things happen for a reason. I mourned the death of our relationship and I still do now. However my eyes are looking towards the future.

4 months later and I’m better, physically stronger, my mental health has gotten so much better. My emotional health has healed. I’m working towards something great once more. I have people in my corner supporting me. I don’t feel alone any longer. I have people giving me words of affirmation and praise, showing that my efforts and hard work are being noticed.

It’s ironic. A couple months ago you asked me if I would date Patty. I said no, because I didn’t have anything to offer, I didn’t have the confidence that I would be worthy of someone like that. You took no time to agree with me, and I felt slighted and disrespected. After talking to a close friend she said that was fucked up, that other people agreed you were wrong for that. The biggest fucking irony is that I do have something to offer. That I have fucking value and can bring things to the table.

Who knows if you’ll ever read this, nobody comes in here anymore and I prolly expect you to still be talking shit in your private diary even now. And probably continuing into the future. I know you’re actively working against me, because you see I’m happy. And you don’t like that, you can’t stand it can you. You think I’ve just got up and moved on and replaced you because she gives me what you weren’t willing to provide anymore. You’re doing mental gymnastics rn trying to talk nasty about me to whoever is willing to listen to you, to gather as many people to your side.

Yet here I am, entertaining no conversations about you. Nobody will hear my side because I don’t give a fuck to talk about it and nobody needs to know my business. I saw you at Joshua’s and told you I was proud of you. That I hold 0 ill will towards you, and that I want nothing but the best for you. But I hear about the things you do and the things you say, and it’s disappointing as fuck, but absolutely expected outta you, to no surprise. So I will say hi to you moving forward, I will smile and continue to show love.

So thank you for pushing me away. Thank you for enabling me to grow and change and to find an unlikely friend who would do what you couldn’t do. Now go and be happy with someone who will do better than me, that’ll give you whatever the fuck you wanted. Because I failed you, and you failed me.