Hi. My name is Jaylyn.

“Fuck you Google”

So I was spending the weekend with my boyfriend and his family at their house. His family, being fairly conservative, set up a separate room for me to sleep in while I was there. During the middle of the night, however, I had a nightmare, so I went over to my boyfriend’s room to calm down. I laid down and promptly fell back asleep.

About 7 in the morning the next day, I wake up to the distinct feeling of a boner pressing into my back as my boyfriend is cuddling up close to me. Wanting to know what he’s up to, I press my backside into him to see if he responds. He does, by moaning and pulling me closer to him. Curiously, he doesn’t speak. I think little of it, however, because I think to myself, he must just be staying quiet so his parents don’t hear us. With this reassurance in mind, I reach around and begin stroking him, testing the waters. He continues to moan and groan and act generally aroused, and I feel him responding between my fingers.

I make the next logical progression. I get on top of him. I’m on top of him for less than a minute when I feel him finish. It’s at this point that I realize there was a reason he wasn’t talking to me. He was asleep. I climb down carefully and make the longest 7-foot walk of shame across the hallway to the bathroom so I could clean up. Thoroughly embarrassed, I fall back asleep.

A couple of hours later, I wake up and find him just waking up as well. I roll over and ask him casually how he slept. “I slept fine,” he responded, “I just had the weirdest dream.”

“Oh? What was that?”

“I dreamed that I had been abducted by aliens, and they needed semen samples, so they stuck a vacuum to my dick until I came.”

So at my school, every spring, we have a writing symposium. A friend and I were each receiving awards at this, so she asked me if I wanted her to do my make-up the day of, and I said yes.

So I head to her room at 7:30 in the morning and sit down, ready to become beautiful. All is going well, all is fine, she’s applied my moisturizer, foundation, contour, all that, and she’s about to start on my eyes. She asks me to close my eyes so she can apply the liner. I comply and sit patiently with my eyes shut.

Then I hear her say ‘Open’.

My jaw drops open, my lips part with the softest 'pop’, and there is dead silence in the room as each of us process what just happened.

I use foam soap, typically, the kind where it’s a thinner liquid and as it pumps through the nozzle thing in the soap bottle, it turns foamy. I like them.

Usually I buy the big refillable bottles of this foamy soap for cheap and then I pour the very thin soap liquid into smaller bottles for easier storing. These smaller bottles typically are old soda bottles or water bottles, etc.

I also like to make koolaid on the regular, with the liquid koolaid mix that you just add to bottled water and it turns to koolaid.

I am cleaning my bathroom and prior to cleaning it, I decided to make a bottle of koolaid. Because it’s summer, I am almost perpetually thirsty and decide to take the light pink koolaid into the bathroom with me.

As I’m cleaning, I decide to refill the soap dispenser, and so I take the bottle of light pink liquid soap out from under the sink and place it on the floor next to my drink.

I continue cleaning, thinking I’ll just refill the soap as soon as I’m done wiping the floor. I finish the floor and reach down to my koolaid.

I grab a bottle of light pink liquid that is not my koolaid.

I was thirsty enough that when I tipped the bottle into my mouth, I just took two or three long sips, without registering the taste.

Then the soapiness hit me, I gagged, and tried to rinse my mouth out.

Putting a stream of water directly into liquid soap is not the best solution to this situation.

The soap foamed up, I coughed, some came out my nose, I was a mess.

You can ask how long it will take for the pizza to get to you, and they will tell you how far away a dispatcher is.