Learning to live, Learning to Love. Start anew - Chapter 3 - TheCreatorIsNigh - Peaky Blinders (TV) [Archive of Our Own]
Tommy writes a letter to Lizzie, explaining
I hope this letter finds you well.
I know I have no right to ask anything of you, I've asked so much already and only given you pain in return but if you could find it in yourself to read this letter i would like to offer an explaination for my recent behaviour. Unforgivable though i know it is.
I have broken many promises to you; hurt you many times; but I need you to know I always listened to whatever you had to say even if I didn't show it.
There is one promise I made to you that I would like to keep, if you would let me. You've asked me many times over the years to let you in and talk to you; I told you once before, when you wrote me a letter of your own. That I didn't have the words; the words to describe what goes in in my head haven't been invented yet, for the most part that is still true.
But now I will try and put onto paper what words I can find. Maybe it will be easier writing it down rather than looking at your face while I try and say what I need to say. or maybe you haven't gotten this far and have burned the letter- I'd deserve it I know
I hope to give you some solace but am aware I will likely be causing you more pain.
Now where to fucking start, eh? Life has become quite the shitshow hasn't it Lizzie? and I know that was my own doing, I couldn't get out of my own fucking head.
Since what happened to Pol; I've been trapped with the knowledge I keep fucking losing people and the harder I held on the more I seemed to lose.
That failed plan to take out Mosley haunted and troubled me, the only people who knew were those trusted; family. Finn betrayed us and Polly died to get back at me.
Polly died because of me. John died because of me. Grace died because of me. who was next eh?
You? One of the kids? Ada? Arthur? Got it in my head it was best if I kept my distance, didn't I.
Tommy Shelby the man wasn't needed so long as the money kept flowing.
That last night in the hotel you told me you hated Arrow House now Ruby was gone, truth is I fucking hated the place long before that, but I didn't know how to let go. Didn't have the words.
That house had too many ghosts and while I was there I couldn't see the living for the dead. But I couldn't bring myself to let go of the house. So I did my best to be anywhere but there; I know that hurt you and I know it hurt the kids, but that house—I just couldn't fucking be there. So I just wasn't there; I didn't know how to be.
Then Ruby got sick and that seemed like it was my fault too. I was cursed and a curse was put on her because of me- I know you don't believe in Gypsy curses and don't understand our ways. But I needed a way to save her, something I could do not just wait around on the fucking doctors.
Esme took me to a grave of a little girl who died when she was seven years old; bout ten years ago I gave a sapphire that belonged to Grace to a gypsy woman. Told her the fucking thing was cursed, but she didn't believe me and she went and gave it to her sister who put it on the neck of her girl. The girl was dead by day's end and her mother cursed me to know her pain.
And then Ruby died and there was pain, so much fucking pain. Your pain, my pain, everyone's fucking pain and our girl was gone and I didn't know what to do with it and I was fucking angry; anger has always been easier than pain and grief or the fucking numbness.
The feeling of being trapped down in the fucking tunnels, never ending with no escape. So I did what I knew and went away to vent; killed the fucking gypsy woman and her tribe.
It was then that Esme told me about Duke being mine and at first I didn't give a shit; Kid got this far without me in his life. Fucked up once before bringing an outsider into the fold; Michael; cunt that he was
Don't know if you'll care but Michael's dead; I tried, really tried to avoid that. Knew it wasn't what Polly would want, but Michael wouldn't fucking let go. tried to blow me up so I put a bullet in his skull.
There was a reason why I brought Duke into the fold in such a rushed way, and maybe I should have given you a heads up beforehand but I wasn't really thinking.
It also links into what happened with Diana Mitford; stupid ugly bitch that she is, I didn't want to do what I did but I took the king's shilling and I was acting on orders. I thought I was running out of time, so I rushed plans and did things I now regret.
At the hotel when I told you I love you, I needed you to know I love you; You told me I sounded like I was ticking a box and you didn't know what was inside the box.
Well here it is Lizzie, what was in that box.
I thought I was dying Lizzie. Do you remember when I got back andd I had that seizure and those symptoms? You asked me to see a doctor, but we had to focus on Ruby.
Well I did see a doctor Lizzie, while at the hospital with Ruby I went and got scans done.
I was told I had tuberculoma of the brainstem and had a year to eighteen months at best left to live; that I was going to lose my mind and would be in great pain; those were the pills you saw me taking Lizzie. Pills for the pain I thought was coming my way.
Time was running out and I had to get everything in place for when I was gone. I never told anyone as I didn't want you all to watch me suffer.
But it was all a fucking lie; a ploy from the fascists who decided the easiest way to take out Tommy Shelby was to have him do it himself. The doctor who diagnosed me was a fascist, the person he got a second opinion from another fascist they were both at Mosley's wedding.
Tommy paused in his writing and ran a hand through the stubbled hair on his head, he sighed and continued staring at the letter he would give to Ada to give to Lizzie. Ada giving the letter to Lizzie would give Lizzie warning and time to prepare herself, Tommy also didn't trust the postal system. He stared at the letter, unsure of what else to say but knowing there was so much he should. What more was there to say really?
I don't really know what else to say here Lizzie. I know there are many things I probably should, but I don't know what it is.
What I do need you to know is, this isn't an attempt to manipulate you nor an attempt to win you back. I've hurt you deeply, unforgivably and this letter isn't about excuses.
It is just me giving you information that you deserve to have.
I still stand by what I said in the hotel; you married me, you married a man and married a curse. I am the curse, because I am me.
I am Tommy Shelby. My limitation is the fear of limitation, the fear of what I'll find if I stop.
The fear of the limitation of others, what limits they have- unknown boundaries I can't help myself from seeking and crossing, just to know where the line is.
Look after Charles and let him look after you. You're a good mum and a great wife and you deserve to find someone who will appreciate you and won't cause you as much pain as I have.
