i’m gunna have to move. not to the states. but another part of costa rica. i absolutely fell in love with where i am now. and now i’m gunna have to be in a stressful, hot, busy city. those are where the jobs are (oh yeah, still have to find one of those HAH), rather than a beach town. ido  have an AWESOME chance at a job here and i’m pretty positive i’d get it...interview went well and they contacted my professor about me/how they love me....but they’re most likely going to make me wait 1-2 months until they tell me their decision. yeah i can’t fucking do that!!! both financially and mentally. for the first time in my life i am experiencing warmth and tranquility and my mental health has been better...now that’s all gone to shit. i’m so so fucking happy here and i don’t wanna move. but i don’t have a choice. i really don’t.

everyone is sooo chill, friendly, welcoming, and this place in general is stress-free. it would be really hard going back to a previous lifestyle i had in the US where everything is all about stress and rushing and such a lack of empathy. it’s also sooo loving and affectionate in a very sweet way. people just have so much love to express.

it’s also not soo touristy. NOTHING is americanized. everything is authentic/no franchises, nothing. well we do have some tourists...like solely from switzerland, sweden, and germany? haha idk why this is the hot spot for these specific countries. but yeah this is just such a beautiful place.

small town though. everyoneee sees everythingggg. some things have uh occurred and former students have witnessed and uh professors a couple times? students are fascinated, professors think it’s hilarious. professionalism literally doesn’t exist here in any capacity and nobody gives a shit at all lol so i guess it isn’t so bad? but it still feels weird and i gotta keep on the lookout!! mainly for future employers!! omg the worst was when one of my former students WAS IN THE SAME ROOM as i hooked up w/ her roommate (they live in a hostel). she was sleeping and we didn’t know she was there but she woke up, saw me, and said “teacher?” and i fell off the bed and she started cracking up lmaoo. the next day when she was in class it actually wasn’t awkward at all and we just laughed about it. i apologized, but she was saying how it’s no big deal and i don’t have to worry at all and people from the united states always worry when in reality we should always relax and enjoy life. lol the level of their tranquility is refreshing and humorous.

on a different note. the ocean is my everything so the beach is the place for me. loving thisss. my first two days i went a total of 6 times lol. oh but um then i fell (there are no completely paved roads over here) and like a chunk of my knee came off. ya that was gross. it’s healing now finally and i will get to go swimming soon! it wasn’t one of those “oh salt water is good for cuts!” thing. the doctor was like DO NOT LET ANY WATER TOUCH IT (i’ll hit on immersion in a bit- but the doctors don’t rly speak english either. at least talking about my knee and medication is easy to do). like i even wrapped my leg up with a plastic bag, on top of my bandage, every time i showered. and i had that huge big bandage on my knee for awhile and i became well known in town for that haha fuck my fucking life. at least i’m at the point of healing though. ONLY TOOK 6 AND A HALF WEEKS.

***how this whole thing started: i took a course to get my license in teaching English as a foreign language. I have it in English literature but this is something else. The program kicked my ass. Not in material or understanding...i’m fine with that. but it was 10 hour days. 5 days a week. but my group was a total (including me) of five girls. i couldn’t have asked for a better group. it was soo nice to have all girls and ahh we all got so close and depended on and helped each other w/ everything and then have a lot of fun at night and the weekends. ugh i miss them sooooo much. they all went back to the U.S.  i’m gunna talk about one specific friend at the end of this b/c it’s very emotional.

like i mentioned, the course was amazing. rigorous but amazing. it was half being a student, and half teaching. the english classes i taught were SO MUCH FUN.  i’ve never had so much fun in a classroom. first, there was the teaching in the beginning (we would have themes like food, clothes, hobbies, sports, etc.) and would spend like 20 mins on the material, context, grammar, listening, and pronunciation of the words. then we would play games where they still had some aid from the marker board, charts/visuals on the wall, and then we had games that stretch what they know/without any aid. omg all these games were a fucking blast. everything from scavenger hunts, to water-pong, to relay races, to basketball, to drawing, to charades, and like 80 thousand other things where they practice talking and then have some sort of fun objective. those games were such a good trick for not feeling soo repetitive (which it essentially is bc u need practice practice practice). but yeah the combination of the actual modeling and teaching..and then that fun shit. omg the two hours would flyyyy by. and it would all fucking work!!! because by the end they would always get into partners, write a script, put on a skit and use the target language and correct grammar without ANY aid from the teacher or visuals+words on the walls. it was amazing to see what they attained. the cool thing was - this program breaks it down by skill level and not age level. which does make sense. we have 5 groups. so for example, we have a 73 year old at an intermediate level...and we also have a 10 year old at the same level; so they’re in the same class. classes are of all ages. my favorite class had a combination of teenagers and 40-50 yr olds. and these classes are free!!!! ugh how amazing is that for the community <3 <3

i lived with a host family!!! which overall was a very good experience!! my spanish definitely improved and they were just so so loving and i was able to be comfortable. and my host-dad and host-mom looved to talk w/ me so i could practice a lot and they were so patient and so goofy. except um the mom didn’t like that i would go out...? and she wouldn’t get pissed off but like...judgmental? and lecture me? that was fucking annoying. i’m a fucking adult. i liked everything about the home-stay but that. but yeah they rly were great and i was exposed to soo much rather than just getting an apartment right away.

i live in an apartment now though. with a roommate who I THOUGHT was gunna be here for awhile but she’s moving in two weeks HAH fuck my life idk how i’m gunna find a roommate so i’ll probably have to find somewhere else to live in town. NOTHING IS GOING TOO WELL W/ THE WHOLE ADULT THING. my bank account is a joke. i need a fucking job. i thought i had one (EVERYONE THOUGHT I HAD THIS IN THE BAG)...the head administrator observed me teach a kids class and loved me (my professor told me that’s super impressive b/c this woman is hard to please) and this lady invited me to her school to co-teach and help w/ the day and whatnot. good sign. i did that, they liked me and invited me back again. good sign. this time, they wanted me to lead the day. and i nailed it. i’m rarely satisfied w/ my performance in things but i was actually proud of myself. it was for a bilingual preschool (they wanted a teacher who would teach onlyyyy in english). for one part of the day, i taught colors. i taught at a basic level, had visuals for them, had a template with labels & they would color using the correct crayons. and they got it!!! throughout the day they kept using the english words for colors when before they never ever did that (which i heard from the teacher). and the rest of the 4 hours went really well too.....and then two days later i get an email with the subject line: “thank you for your time”...i got chills and my stomach twisted b/c obviously u know exactly what that means. so they told me that i’m great for the job, but they can’t give it to me because i’m not 100% fluent in spanish. okay wonderful, thanks for wasting my time and preparation. and you wasted a lot of your time?? and you fucking raved to my professor about how much you loved me and how i’m perfect for the job after that day i taught by myself??...thanks. fuck you. i’m just so furious and depressed about this whole thing. and the email ended with..omg..my body literally clenches- “you’ll make a great teacher!” um excuse me..i’ll make a great teacher? I’LL MAKE A GREAT TEACHER!? I AM ONE. i’m not perfect, but it’s the one thing i’ve been the most successful in life with. i’ve seen student progress, and throughout this summer i’ve gotten emails from former students. as recently as yesterday. so fuck you. omggggg. what a slap in the fucking face.

i have one other job prospect right now. my professor emailed them about me to kind of vouch for me in a way & then i went in person to the school (strong strategy, i think?). since they liked that i visited, we had a brief “getting to know you” type of meeting- me and three other administrators. it was a bit intimidating, but i think i came off pretty well. super enthusiastic and passionate at least. which isn’t hard to do when i talk about teaching. they have other applicants sadlyyyy but they’re impressed by my experience. or at least they said that. but if i don’t get this...i’ll have to move to another part of costa rica. most likely a city. which i seriously, SERIOUSLY, don’t want to do. i feel pretty much established here and it’s just the best place. i’ll be devastated.

(other than the girls in my group) the first friends i made here (and still hang out w/ the most) are uh...like probably not really the best people to associate with? lol they’re not bad people in any way and i do like them a lot and they’re not dangerous, i’m just i’m not gunna go into it on the internet lol. sadly, out of all the locals, i ONLY have male friends. costa rican women aren’t the biggest fans of white women because 1) costa rican men have this strong, unfortunate and socially-ingrained fascination w/ white girls (especiallyyyyyy if they have blonde hair and blue eyes) and obviously that brings up inferior treatment 2) the infidelity rate can be pretty high and the vast majority of the time it’s w/ white women. so i can absolutely see the reasoning. i always go out of my way to greet them+be nice...sometimes i get a positive response, sometimes i’m completely ignored. it is what it is. i just want/need girl friends!!!!

but in general, everyone is so friendly and wants to talk & get to know me. yeah, sometimes it’s b/c of sexual reasons (they can be veryy manipulative & persistent here. def an issue in the US, but it’s actually a lott more different here than you’d think (thanks, machismo). but the majority of the time they like just getting to know a foreigner b/c they’re very interested. they’re also so patient w/ my spanish. now that i’ve been here, most of the time i’m absolutely fine and we can talk at ease & they’re like so proud of me lmao (they’re so adorable!), but other times it will take me like 20 seconds just to say a few sentences lol. like yesterday it took me about 10 seconds just to get out one really hard sentence lol. which is so embarrassing, but they sort of cheer me on and encourage me. it’s so sweet. the majority of the people here don’t speak english...or they speak very veryyy little. so it’s a lot of practice and that’s good. but at the end of the day i’m so mentally exhausted and it’s like UGH I JUST WANNA SPEAK ENGLISH. like even typing this feels so good lol.

okay. there are a lot more things i could talk about but this has gone on forever. here i go with the saddest part (other than the complete anxiety & depression over not having a job yet!!! actually- this feels even sadder for me)