Jasper Bastion

There are more than a million people in the world, and more than often I still feel alone. Alone and drifting in an open abyss where there is no way to stop, no way to drag me out.

...

Then there is you drifting along in the same abyss. Was I really alone all this time or just drifting in such a direction, that I never came across anyone else. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve had anyone else around and inside this darkened abyss it brings a smile to my face. We start drifting together, chatting, laughing. We don’t come across anyone else but we seem to be getting coser to something. A change in the realm of shadows we call home. It’s terrifying... Even though it scares me, that we slowly getting closer and closer to the unknown, I know that it’s where we should go. 

Do you ever just look outside when the power goes out. It looks so calm, peaceful. Sometimes it can be eerie. But to see how dark it looks it draws in a sense of serenity if you aren't someone that's scared of the dark. Think of how it suddenly is so quiet. Not a sound in sight. Now light a couple candles. It's a moment like this when you are staring outside at the pitch black, with the light of a candle dancing across the walls, that you can really just sit and think for a single moment. For people in the past this was how it was. Quiet and dark. A night like that would be perfect for pulling out a book, working on a small craft. But perhaps it would be better used to take the time to spend it with someone, to sit in silence and enjoy each others company. Perhaps even it could be time used to think about some of the things that are the most meaningful to you. Like what is your family is doing at this very second, how is your grandparents doing that lives miles away from you. What about your friends? Are they working? Are they even awake in that moment.

Dance. Dance till the night is done and silence falls. Dance to the end of tomorrow, show the world who you are, show them who you want to be. The world doesn’t end just because you don’t want to be there anymore. We go on, the earth rotates continuously as it always has and always will for millennia. But when your dancing stops, so does the light of a billion stars looking on during your every step, every fluid movement.

Sing so that the stars will chime, and create melodious music with you. Sing so that the world hears and sits in awe, at how perfect you sound to their ears. Don’t say you aren’t perfect or that you sound horrible, because to someone, to just one soul, the sound of your voice is helping ease them so that they may rest another night without waking to nightmares.

Draw, draw the stars and the sky to show everyone. Just to prove that a simple stroke upon a canvas can warm someones heart. You need not require the approval of other, or the money for validation. Your brush strokes are your own, so show to the heavens and the people around you, the talent you have of expressing yourself.

Write... Write to express your emotion. Write to entertain other. Allow the words to flow from your hand, and onto the page before you. Write to get away, to create a universe all your own. Make that safe place a new world upon paper where a while new group of people can explore and become lost in just as you do.

It’s like my brain isn’t fully there. I sit alone and all I get is nothing. I’m blank, and I can feel most emotion just drain from me. I can feel the tears well up for no reason, and I can feel my body shut down. I want to curl into bed, I want to wrap my arms around the closest cuddly thing and ball my eyes out. I do things again and again each time with the worst results in my life. I want to be able to sit down for once, and see clearly through everything. I want to be able to sit down and for once just see where my life is going, but I’m just lost. 

I don’t know what I am doing, and I have no idea where exactly I am going. All I know is that I’m stuck, stuck wishing for something that I know I can’t have and it’s all because of small things that has led up till know. I’m lost, and currently can’t fine my way through. What is it that I want, where am I really going. I want to know, I want to be not lost. I want to meet the person I want to be with, meant to be with. I want to settle into a point in my life that is just right for me.

Maybe I need to step away from reality for a bit. Maybe I need to step away from everything for a bit. Take a moment to go do something, to do something else. To step away from the light of the screens, and step away from the light of the city. Perhaps a camping trip, perhaps just something to get away and take a moment to look up at the stars, to just enjoy what it is I’m doing. Perhaps a change in my life. To do something different, to do something... Incredible. Even for just a moment.

Once again I feel like I’ve done something entirely stupid and am currently banging my head against the wall. As hard as I can of course. One minute someone is talking with you, the next you haven’t had any response yet and you wonder if you said something or did something stupid. I’ve got that feeling right about now.. I can only hope that I haven’t heard anything because that someone is busy, but at the same time I feel... Lost.

It lingers. Hovering around me like a dark, black cloud. Unwavering, constantly there but never speaking. It follows me everywhere I go. It’s got a name, Depression, though I dare not speak it. He often comes around with a friend. Then there are two of them. Hovering behind me or above me. When he hurts me, his friend just watches, but ever worried, ever scared. Some days they team up, and it comes in waves.

Bum bum.

Bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Going ever faster, making me curl tighter and tighter into a ball as I pray. Wish for them to go away. The night get worse when I sit. Alone. With the thoughts, the whispers, and the stares of the two of them. His, burning, hateful, dark and un-wanting. He makes me feel weak. His friend... Wavering, unnerved, often making me scared. Again.

Bum bum.

Bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Faster, harder. Pain from him, and shivers from his friend. “Will he ever speak to her? Say at least something to her?” Depression’s friend is the first to speak up.

“Speak to her? No, never, I have control over her. No one else will take such a lovely doll away from me.”

Bum bum.

Bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Each beat make’s Depression’s friend falter, shift in colour. Is it him that is doing this to me? It’s like he fears for my life. As if he knows what Depression is doing to... “His doll.”

Bum bum.

Bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

A hand, dark, pitch black. It makes me scream.

Bum bum bum bum bum.

Bum bum bum...

Bum bum.

Bum bum bum bum.

His friend goes erratic and I have to tell myself to breath.

In. Out. In. Out.

Two.

Three.

Two.

Three.

Two.

Three.

Two.

Four.

Two.

One...

One.

Two.

In.

Out.

Relaxing doesn’t come easy, but it comes. In small waves at first, then settling. Depression’s friend relaxes. 

Bum bum.

Bum bum.

Bum bum.

Bum bum.

Everything is calm now, and I see a reaction from Depression’s friend that I haven’t seen before. He pulls Depression away from me.

“Leave her be D. She’s needing rest, sleep, time to heal.”

Depression looks on, angry at first, and then a soft expression.

“You’re right Anxiety... I forget that my doll is mortal.”

“Dante?” Melody tapped on my shoulder, dragging me from my thoughts. “Are you even listening to me?”

“Y-yeah.” I knitted my eyebrows together. “What were you saying again?”

I studied my friend, her natural blonde hair tumbling in soft curls over her shoulders. Her emerald eyes sparkled at me, begging me to look deeper into them.

“I was saying that I’m finding it harder and harder to say no to Brennan. He just keeps asking to be with me.”

I sighed, looking away from my friend. I had this lovely piece of information about a guy that was trying to get with my best friend.

“Mel-”

“Hey!” I was rudely interrupted by the red haired, hazel eyed prick named Brennan.

“Speak of the devil.” I muttered.

“What was that freakwad?”

Brennan sat down beside Melody, smiling as he did. I looked away from Brennan resting my elbow on my knee and pressed my chin into my palm, staring at the playground full of children. Mothers and Fathers watched their children running about the gravel covered playground, climbing about the equipment.

“Hey, freakwad. You spacing out or daydreaming like a teenage girl with a crush.” Brennan lightly smacked my knee with the back of his hand.

A growl rised up into my throat, but went no further. I didn’t like Brennan, never have, but part of that was because he was a player. I would go as far as to say he was a man wh- No… That’s quite rude. I stared at Brennan, watching the lust inside of his eyes grow when he looked at Melody.

“So, Melody. What were you and…” Brennan peered at me. “Blue head talking about before I arrived?”

“Various things of course.”

“Oh? Like what?”

“Just odds and ends, the miscellany.”

“I see.”

I licked my dry lips and stood up. I looked down at Melody, sighed and said goodbye. Melody smiled at me, waving with her tiny, delicate fingers. Oh, how I wanted to take those fingers in my hands and kiss each and every one of them. I bit my lip and looked away before turning around, walking off. I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans, walked past the playground and out of the park.

* * *

I stared at the flickering screen of the old box t.v. that was sitting on it’s stand. I was mindlessly watching the first of the Lord of the Rings movies. It took a minute or two to realize that the doorbell was ringing. I snapped out of my daze and stood up from the old, rather faded blue couch. It had quite a few stains from where my bunny, Scotch, pissed on it. I passed Scotch’s cage when I headed to the door, he was busy chewing on some grass, his black beady eyes staring out into space.

I opened the door, leaning against it and found myself facing Melody. “Oh, hey.”

Melody smiled at me. “Hey yourself.”

“What’s up?”

Melody raised a bag of take out up, grinning. “Got your favourite!”

I sniffed that air, and smirked. “Smells good.”

I stepped away from the door and let Melody inside. Melody peered into the living room and looked at me, eyebrow raised.

“Lord of the Rings?”

“Yeah is there a problem with that?” I asked, closing the door.

Melody chuckled, and wandered into the living room, quickly saying hello to Scotch. I watched Melody sit down on the couch and start pulling out the food from the take out bag. I bit my lip before walking into the living room, sitting down beside Melody.

“So, Dante… You were going to say something before Brennan showed up.”

My eyebrows knitted together, making me think for a couple of minutes. “Oh, yeah. Melody?”

“Yes…”

“I wanted to tell you something about Brennan.” I bit my lip and looked away from Melody. “He’s just trying to get in your pants.”

“Wait, what?”

I looked over at Melody who was holding a soy sauce packet. “Brennan is the biggest player I know, and he doesn’t even want to be with you just because he likes you.”

“Dante… Look me in the eyes and tell me exactly what he wants, if you are telling me the truth.”

I bit my lip again, and then slowly looked Melody dead in the eye. “Brennan just wants to F*** you”

Melody slowly put down her food, and picked up her phone. I watched as she dialed, what I assumed was Brennan’s number, and called him.

“Brennan…”

I watched Melody, listening to her half of the conversation. Eventually I looked away finding the situation too uncomfortable.

“Don’t lie to me!”

Melody stood up, starting to pace around the room with her cell phone still pressed against her ear. Just listening to the conversation sounded heated, it was also very opening about just how scary Melody could be when angry.

“Oh, really? Then why don’t you come fight him!”

I squeaked slightly, hearing the fact that I was nominated for a fighting match.

“Melody.” I hissed, getting her attention.

“What?!” She mouthed.

“Are you really going to get me to fight him?”

“Why not, you’ve done stuff like it before.”

I groaned falling back on the couch. Everything was being blown out of proportion. I was simply trying to protect my best friend.

“Fine! We’ll see you then.” Melody hung up the phone, and looked at me. “Come on Dante! You can do this for me right?”

“Melody when I get into fights for you it’s for good reason.”

I looked at Melody and became lost in her sparkling eyes. Once again I felt like I was drifting within a sea of neverending emerald current.

“Oh?” Melody stuck her hands on her hips. “And what would that ‘good reason’ be?”

“That ‘good reason’ would be the fact that I love you Melody Winters.” I retorted, having no thought to what I just said.

“D-Dante…” Melody stammered.

Finally cluing into what I just said I sat there for a few minutes, staring at the ceiling. I had just confessed my own love to Melody… Maybe now I could take it a step further and kiss her cute face.

“You… you really love me?”

“Yes, Melody. I do.”

I stood up from the couch and with one foot in front of the other, I walked up to Melody with confidence. It didn’t take me long to grab Melody’s face between my hands and bring her into a deep, harsh kiss. Butterflies erupted in my stomach and head. Melody hesitated at first and then melted into the kiss. Her arms slithered up around my neck and her fingers locked together.

I pulled away from Melody, looking down at her finding myself as usual, lost in her eyes. “Your eyes are so beautiful.”

Melody’s face went bright red, and she looked away from me. “Don’t tell me that.”

“Why not?”

“Because it makes me blush.”

I smiled and found Melody’s weak spot, tickling her sides. Melody giggled and as she did I told her every little perfection about her. Melody broke away from my grip escaping to the couch.

“You think that will stop me?”

“No but works for now.”

I chuckled, and walked over to the couch sitting down. “So when is this so called fight?”

“Later around nine.”

“Tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Alright.”

* * *

Melody giggled twisting on her side as I was once tickling her sides. The doorbell rang, and I huffed in annoyance. I carefully placed Melody on the couch beside me and got up to answer the door. Scotch was jumping around on the floor, mindlessly chewing on newspaper that I had laid out for him. I opened the door to find Brennan standing outside of my house.

“What do you want?”

“I want this fight, right now.”

Brennan grabbed onto the collar of my shirt and yanked me out of my house onto the ground. I grunted when I landed on my back, on the cement pathway. I sat up on my elbows and looked at Brennan whose eyes were filled with fire brought straight up from hell.

“Brennan, let’s give this thought.”

“No thought freakwad! Just action.”

Brennan jumped down from the small rectangular porch and threw his fist into my face. My elbows slipped from beneath me, scrapping some skin off. I heard a small scream from Melody who clearly heard the scuffle and came to check on me. Brennan moved to punch me again, but I rolled out of the was and knocked Brennan to the ground by kicking his feet out from underneath him. I sat up wiping the blood that was dripping from my nose.

“Just action Brennan?”

“Just action freakwad.”

Melody scrambled out of the house and down the steps. “Dante?”

“No Melody, he wants a fight.”

“You’ll get hurt!”

I peered towards Melody from the corner of my eyes. “I don’t care at this point, someone need to get it through this prick’s mind that you are officially off limits.” I snapped.

Melody stared at me, her eyes were showing fear and I knew that I scared her. Brennan got up and moved towards me. I got up to my feet and to the side spat out blood stained saliva. Brennan and I grabbed onto each other, grappling with each other. Brennan managed to make his knee connect with my guy several times before I could break away.

“Are you done freakwad?”

“Done? I haven’t even started.”

Brennan grinned and stumbled towards me. I pulled my hand back, curled it into a fist and then flung it forwards making it connect with Brennan’s face. There was a sickening crack, and when I pulled my hand away I shook it, fingers throbbing. I knew my hand was broken and my mother was going to kill me when she finds out that she was going to have to take me to the hospital. I watched Brennan wipe his mouth smearing blood onto his hand.

“Dante…”

I looked up at Melody, she looked worried but I couldn’t deal with it right now. “You can wait to deal with my injuries afterwards.”

Brennan moved towards me and I took him by the shirt, pushing him past me into the wall of the house. I huffed and yanked my hoodie off, tossing it up onto the railing of the porch. I moved over to the dazed Brennan, gripped onto the red strands of his bangs and started to slam my fist several times into his face.

“DANTE FREDRICK FENNINGWAY!” My mother’s voice yelled at me from the yard gateway.

Looking up, I became distracted by my mother who had steam teaming from her ears, and a demon glaring at me from within her eyes.

“Mom?” I frowned, confused as to why she was home early.

Being distracted gave Brennan the perfect advantage, because he brought his knee up to my crotch. My face contorted into pain and I fell off Brennan to the side. I heard a gasp from Melody and my mother rushed into the yard. I watched as my mother took Brennan by the collar of his shirt and escorted him out of the property. Melody reached my side and pulled me up into a sitting position. My mother stormed over to me, this rather pissed off look on her face.

“Dante Fenningway, you better tell me what the hell is going on!”

I peered up at my mother while I continued to hold my throbbing crotch. “In my defense I was protecting myself.

“I don’t care if you were protecting yourself, you better tell me what’s going on, and you better do it pretty damn fast.”

I sighed, knowing that if I didn’t tell her she was just going to keep pressing me about it. “This guy was trying to get into Melody’s pants, I finally confessed my love to her, and he wanted to fight over her, so I obliged.”

I could see the fire in my mother’s eyes die down as I told her what was happening. “My god Dante… All this has happened because of Melody.”

My mother looked over at Melody, smiling at her since she hadn’t seen her in a few weeks. Melody helped me to my feet and brushed me off.

“Yes mom, all because of Melody.”

My mother smiled at me. “Well then I guess that means she is more than just your best friend.”

“That obvious huh?”

“Now I take it that you’re going to need to go to the hospital.”

“Well I did break my hand.”

My mother nodded, and then lead both Melody and I to the car. We piled into the car, and my mother drove to the hospital in silence. Melody rested her head on my shoulder since we were both sitting in the back seat. I looked down at Melody and smiled at her with the biggest smile I could produce. Melody looked up at me, allowing me to get lost in her emerald eyes once again.

“You are so beautiful, and all mine.”

“All yours?”

Jump on a train, and go till the end

Go to the end of everything

Go to where the earth meets the sky

Go to where the worlds collide.

Wouldn't you want to sail the stars with me

Taking our life far beyond,

Anything that anyone has ever known

Going where they'll never go

Going where they'll never see

Going where they'll never care.

Jump on a train with me

Go to where the earth meets the sea

Go to a place that we belong

So we can sail the stars for Eternity.

Never looking back,

Back to where we were

Just sailing on.

Just sailing on.

Wouldn't you wanna be

Anywhere but here

Any place that's better than this

Any place where I can be found

Because darling

I know

Just how

To light up your whole world.

Jump on a train with me

Go to where the earth meets the sea

Go to a place that we belong

So we can sail the stars for Eternity.

Never looking back,

Back to where we were

Just sailing on.

Just sailing on.

Sail the stars with me.

We'll go to where the earth meets the sea.

We'll go to a place far beyond.

We'll go to a place just you and me.

So won't you please.

Please.

Jump on a train with me.

Go to where the earth meets the sea.

Go to a place that we belong.

For eternity.

Just sailing on.

Let me see the smile that you give me when I hand you my ticket to board upon your train. Your train that I hear so many ride upon, the one that will take flight into the sky, and soar among the stars in the night. I want to watch as you tell me to leave my luggage, board with nothing but my body, the clothes on my back, and wisdom in my head. I need you to lead me to the compartment that I will stay in, and introduce me to the person who will share the cabin with me. Just take me away from here, away from him, away from the man who uses me like a puppet, who calls me a simple marionette. I don’t want to be that anymore, I want to exist on my own two feet, to control where I go from here. All I need is guidance, and I want your help finding that guidance.

I want to watch as you leave the station, going far, far, far from anything that was left behind. Get me away from the world, get me out of here. Let me look down on what was, and up at what will be. Show to me that there can be a better way of life out there, show me that I’m not as useless, and as uninteresting as he makes me out to be. I don’t want to be his anymore, and I don’t want to let him in anymore. Though I know I can’t escape him forever all I know is that I don’t want Depression getting close to me for a very, very long time. So please, speed away, and away. Go as fast as you can without even coming to a screeching halt.

Let us go till the end of the line, where we will hurtle towards the sky, and join with the stars. I want to be one with the night sky, I want to be all the pretty colours that can be offered, and even more. I want to be the sun and the moon, and I want you to take me there, and I want you to make me exactly what I want to be. Mold me, make me, and turn me into something more gorgeous than what I was. I want to crack through my shell in the middle of the night, beneath the light off the moon. When I come back down to earth, I want nothing more, and nothing less. Just something to remember, just an experience, and someone at my side.

I won’t be a puppet anymore, I won’t be controlled, I won’t be left in the dust. There won’t be any more blood spilled, not a single drop. No tears, no screams, no uttered words of hate. Let me become what I was always meant to be, and who I was meant to be with. Help me become something better, help me become the me that I am suppose to be. Please don’t let someone else drag you down, ignore the others, ignore them so much that in the end you will be capable of beating them down while still driving this train. Because at the end of this day, This train will go higher than it will have never gone before, and when it does, everything will be better.

It’s not the scars I see anymore, it’s the blood that stains the water red. It’s you with your wicked grin, and bloodied blade in hand that creates the wounds. Even though your attempts at trying to put me six feet under the ground have failed, you linger around me like a fly, looking for rotten fruit. You have your moments of glory when someone pushes me away, or another incident at home happens.

It’s everytime that you join me in the shower, when you create bruises on my thigh from the constant punches, that I want to retaliate. But every time I raise my hand, you catch my wrist and smile that horrible, crooked smile.

“You’re mine,” you remind me every time, staring down at me, pressing your thumb against the scars on my wrist. “Remember, I’ve marked you.”

Lately you’ve had such a strong hold on me, that it’s hard not to curl into a ball and cry. You watch every time, as I pull the blankets up by my neck, and wipe away the tears. This is enjoyment to you. My life is your soap opera, and you can’t get enough.

“It’s no wonder he chose her,” you taunt, poking me in the side, making me squirm. “He always found you second best.”

I tire of this constant annoyance of you in the back of my head. You follow me to school, and continue to bother me. Everyday you force me to piggy back you around with me, it’s no wonder my back constantly hurts.

You love to hover over my head during my classes, whispering in my ear. “Of course she’s mad at you. You made a fool of yourself once again. I can’t wait to see what she says to you when you get home.”

I regret letting you into my life, but now I can’t get rid of you. I had sealed my fate, and my relationship with you, by letting you in. Now you seem to come as the only comfort to me. This is what I’ve done and I can’t undo it. No amount of happiness, and laughter can break you away from me. Here I am depression, I am your slave, and you have utter control over me.

Push me around as much as you want, knock me to the ground and create as many new scars as you can… Because in the end, I can always pick myself back up again. What I can’t do is push you away, or fix everything you’ve done to me. The scars will remain in my skin for the rest of my mortal life, and you will be the one who caused them.

Here I am depression, your little play toy. Your marionette doll, pulled and tugged by the strings to do what you will. I hold my arms out to you, willingly letting you use them as  your canvas. Create your masterpiece, and then show it to the world. Let everybody know what you’ve created, let the world see what kind of man you are. How many of my friends would hate you if they found out how much you abuse me. All of them, that’s how many.

“But you wouldn’t let them find out. Would you?” you threaten, pinning me against the wall.

Fear clouds my eyes as I’m pinned to the wall. But either way, you’re right, why would I show my friends. I know you better than they do, and no matter what I do, I pay the price.

I’ve noticed that you don’t hang around me when I’m with my friends, but then you’ve always despised them. The way they make me laugh, and cause me to smile, it makes you angry. I’ll see you on the other side of the room, punching the wall. Then there is when I’m sitting in front of the computer, calmly chatting with my friends. You read over my shoulder.

“Why should he still love you?” you breath, resting your arms against the computer chair.

Sometimes I think you’re right. After what I did, why would he still love me. You continue to bother me, even though I’ve told you to stop. You taunts about why he left, why she’s mad, and why he hates me, drives me over the edge. Now with me riled up you laugh, as I throw things about the room, trying to hit you in the head.