Jason Trahan

Been here before. So many times. When does normal kick in or is that just a fantasy? Growing up I’ve seen so many people live out their predetermined lifestyles. You know.... marriage, kids, white picket fence. We’ve all seen it. It’s the “Suburban American Dream” or some such shit. I don’t want a husband or white picket fence or at least not necessarily. I long for the abnormal. Whatever that is. Am I against falling in love and following along the atypical lifestyle? No. Of course not. I’d accept that if it feels normal. But it doesn’t feel normal to me. 

So what feels normal? Well, that is even harder to determine. Right now, what feels normal is what feels the most comforting to me, and that’s moving to Philadelphia. No, not to Sacramento to where my best friends live. I feel like I’ve left something behind in Philly. I’m not sure what it is, but I feel like I need to figure out what that is. I remember back in 2014 when Philly was a blip on the radar, drove up with friend and instantly new it was ‘home’ or something. What’s interesting is for him, he found “home” in the arms of someone new. I found an overdose of seizure medication that left me going insane. What a difference a doctor can make. 

Or maybe what I seek is Los Angeles. Los Angeles, where creativity is abundant. I remember when I first moved to Los Angeles. It was an escape for me. What I was feeling at the time was “get away’. Boy did I. Basically I told a friend, figure it out, I was out. It wasn’t the best decision. And while the decision wasn’t solely mine, I still bare responsibility. It’s hard for me to envision moving to a place that doesn’t involve my best friends, but it’s how I feel. I need this to make sense to me.

I remember the first time I moved to Philadelphia, it was like nothing I had ever felt before. It was probably because I moved from a small town. But was it because of the friends I had around me or was it because I loved myself and the city? It is definitely one of those things I will have to figure it out on my own.

Then it takes me to age. Yeah, one of those things everyone faces. Gay and aged 38. What do I do? Has my “single” time passed? Will I be the predator looking? Do I care? Maybe I do. Perhaps I don’t. Compared to my friends, I feel like I am in my twenties compared to them approaching 40. 

I have a friend that has been by my side since I met her. If I asked her what should I do, she would say “do your thing” in a manner of speaking. You only live once, sort of thing. Right now my thing tells me I should buy a condo in Philadelphia. Finally, open to let someone in. Fuck whomever I want. LIVE MY LIFE. What has caused me to be a recluse? I’m a Sagittarius who is afraid of the most basic form of affection. What the fuck is that about?

Anyway... Philadelphia, I’m coming.. I let you slip through my fingers once. I won’t let it happen again. Until I know for sure, I must make it happen.

Hurt, betrayed, upset, used. Words that all of us probably have felt at some point. It’s a difficult feeling to experience. Some people are naïve. I’m that way. I often don’t want to see the truth and push it off until it comes rearing its ugly head. It’s such a crappy feeling to feel. Who wants to feel betrayed? Who wants to feel that way? Truth is, I’m not sure the feeling is valid. You see, I’ve set myself up to feel this way and its most likely entirely my own. This entire experience, which you don’t know of because I haven’t given a clear answer, is my own undoing. 

Or perhaps it’s my own stupidity. But still.. it stings. How could I be so stupid?

What I need to realize and I need to realize it now.. is that I am worth it. I don’t need validation from others to solidify my talent, my self-worth, my all. I am worth it. I wish I knew how to feel this tomorrow. And the next day. I rely on others so much for my own happiness. I don’t need others to be happy. I just need me. Everyone else can add to it, but it isn’t necessary. 

This feeling sucks.

Other halves. The better half. Significant other. Fiancé. Boyfriend. We call someone who adds to our whole as such. What do you call your partner-in-crime?

Social construct has demanded that we find the one: the one who will make ourselves complete. The one who will march with us into our destiny. The one who you wake up to and look at as your future, your whole, your yin to your yang. But do we have to find the one?

I’ve longed for the one since I can remember. Society taught me this. Family taught me this. Friends taught me this. Life taught me this. But is it what I want? Is it what I need? Is it necessary? Will it complete me?

I hope one day I am able to find the perfect someone. Alternatively, I am okay spending it alone. I see the joy in both. I see the heartache as well. Honestly, I don’t think there is one right answer, but multiple. It is whatever fits your narrative. Your perfection. Your wholeness.

Hopefully I do find that someone because life is lonely. Life is troubled. Life is adventurous. Life is strong. To what my end, I embrace thee.

Is it possible to feel so strong about something before you actually get to experience it? Something so powerful, you can’t describe it the way you feel it? Ever wonder what more life has to offer than your everyday ritual?

Imagine lying in a bed, the window opened for the cool night breeze, the moon shining bright on this cloudless summer night. I’m experiencing that now. I’m not at home but in a hotel in Paris. A foreign country with a foreign language. My desire to pick up my phone and browse the internet keeps getting interrupted by the thoughts of living out a dream I’ve had for so long: to experience cultures different from my own. Travel to an endless destination and submerge myself in something different, something new and exciting, something so intoxicating, I only want to leave if it’s to somewhere new.

As I lay about the night with the swift light winds and the faint smoke of a cigarette seeping in my room from a stranger nearby, I’m taken away to a paradise of wanderlust. A place entirely my own that speaks to me through my own wonderment. How can I long to be places I’ve never been. Homesickness for a place that isn’t home. But Earth is my home. Difference and diversity are my education. The world is my oyster and I long to explore it.

From France, bonne soirée!

When 2019 started, I was walking my new puppy, Bishop. I wished him a Happy New Year and I continued walking amongst the cold, night air blowing off of the bayou behind my apartment complex. I thought for a few moments and I made a New Year’s resolution. Resolutions were things that I was against because, for me, they often ended in failure or just flat out forgotten. I committed to making challenges for myself for 2019 and so far I have been successful.

My first resolution I set for myself was to get financially stable. For me this meant one simple task: setting my bills on auto-debit. I’ve succeeded in this regard and have since paid down debts. For me this is a challenge because I love to spend money. Even when I don’t have it. It’s a reality though, a reality I deal with daily.

My second resolution I set for myself was to get a gym membership and go 5 days a week. This has been a struggle for me, but not for the reason’s you may think. For me, it’s all monotony. I hate to do things that are repetitive. So I’ve struggled. However, I haven’t just give up on it totally. It just hasn’t worked out completely like I’ve wanted.. at least not yet. It’s reality though, a reality I deal with daily.

My third resolution I set for myself was to wake up at 5AM and take a cold shower. Well, as you can probably deduce, this has not gone to plan. I refuse to consider it a failure. I only consider it a temporary setback. Waking up at 5AM is easy, little groggy, but easy. The cold showers, however, are torture. That cold water hitting your head after just waking up tenses your body so good and so bad all at the same time. It was a wake up call, literally. Yet, it’s one I want to get back into soon. Perhaps tomorrow morning when I got back to the gym after a 3 week hiatus.

The most recent resolution I have set for myself is to read 1 book a month. I am a kindle owner and I want to take advantage of ownership. This month I read Divergent. I’m currently on it’s sequel, Insurgent. My next blog will be a review of the first in the series.

These challenges didn’t come on day 1, January 1st, 2019. They came along the way and I plan to continue them. I think it’s important to push yourself to a better you. Try something you haven’t tried before. What can you improve on? What haven’t you tried? What haven’t you done? Challenge yourself today because tomorrow, you might be dead.

It’s interesting when I sit and think about how I got here. What exactly did I endure, if anything at all, that lead me to this path. One day I woke up and made my life miserable. Or at least, miserable in the eyes of others. For me it’s been bliss, but only because I’ve hidden my true feelings. Who am I kidding. It is absolutely not bliss. In reality, it’s been miserable.

Because of you, I built up these walls. Because of you, I hid myself to possibility. Because of you, I lost a part of myself. But who exactly are you? I’ve wondered for awhile now. Who are you? What did you do to make me retreat inside my hermit shell? How could I let you make me this way? Why would I let you make me this way? How pathetic of me. What a joke.

I look around me and friends like me are moving on and making plans, having kids, shacking up, fucking their brains out, enjoying their single life, and stuck bar hopping at 36. All great paths to take. All desirable in one’s eyes. My path isn’t exactly what I would have chosen for myself. My shitty path was subjected by an outside force. At least I believe it was an outside force. For if was not an outside force, I shall deserve pity. Or maybe I don’t. Pity is for the weak. I don’t feel weak. I am not a weak person. I am strong. I am a fucking rockstar.

I don’t need sympathy. I need a slap in the face. I need a wake up call. I need the Sagittarius in me to take over and WAKE ME THE FUCK UP. Why did I let myself get to this misery. I’m lively. I’m free. I’m devil-may-care. I’m sexy. I feel it. I feel confident. I am confident. I am balls-to-the-wall dauntless.

So this is my PUNCH IN THE FACE. MOVE ON. You are 36 and life will keep going with or without you. WAKE UP. Wake up and smell the sweat. Wake up and smell the odor and cologne. The mist and the bone. Wake up and smell the new bliss. Wake up.

I used to hold my freak back

Now I’m letting go

I make my own choice

Bitch, I run this show

So leave the lights on

No, you can’t make me behave

In the spirit of pride month, I figured I’d tell a story. A story that takes me back to a time when being gay was nowhere near the acceptance it celebrates today. I grew up not ever seeing men kiss on the TV screen or the movie screen. It just wasn’t done. Imagine never seeing something as normal as a kiss that represents you. Imagine only seeing what society wanted you to see. It definitely made me feel unworthy and not accepted—an abnormality, if you will.

It was a very typical day in the small town I grew up in. I called my friend to ask her if she wanted to grab lunch and bring me to the video store. She agreed. We had several video stores, but I assumed our sole Blockbuster Video store would have it over the small mom and pop video stores. I was wrong. The clerk behind the counter had never heard of the movie. I had only ever been to Blockbuster Video, but we had a Hollywood Video, so we decided to check out there. They had it. I had never rented a video from there, so I had to open an account. Eventually, I ended up working there, dated two coworkers, and moved up the latter to manager, but that is for a different blog entry. Actually, that story would fill several chapters of an exciting memoir.

The movie I’m talking about was my first entry into gay cinema. It was a movie released in 1999 called Trick. It starred Christian Campbell, J.P. Pitoc, Tori Spelling, and the delightful Miss Coco Peru (Clinton Leupp). The plot of the film is a familar story for most gay men. Actually, it’s a familiar story for most people in general. It told a story of a musical theater writer who meets up with a Go-Go boy. These two men try looking for a place to hook up. That’s it. That’s the gist of the story. Everywhere they attempt, they’re thwarted by obstacles such as a room mate at home in their studio apartment, a drag queen in a bar bathroom who stirs up trouble, and a best friend who deosn’t catch the hint being thrown her direction that they want to be left alone. It’s a fascinating film that will always be dear to me because it was during the beginning of my journey as a gay man. It’s where my fascination of wanting to live in New York began, or any big city like it. Jim Fall, the director, announced a sequel. It was supposed to come out this year, but they haven’t started filming yet, so I doubt it gets a 2019 release date.

That’ s the story i wanted to tell. The story about a film that holds a significant place in my memory during an exciting time in my life. How about you? What was your first gay film and how did it shape you?

Happy Pride!

The line at the café is getting longer as the bell on the door continues to jingle. I sit at the table talking with a friend thinking about something to talk about. A man and his daughter laughing with the barista as the noise in the background levels off. The ambience here is a very subdued, relaxing environment. The piano music lightly playing above adds a certain “dreams-are-made-here” vibe.

As I sit pondering my next move forward, I’m reminded how much I love the city of New Orleans. The streets are barely driveable, sure, but the history and derelict of the buildings adds to the cool up-and-coming flare that often surrounds a hipster-influenced neighborhood. But there is something very much to love here. I think it comes down to just how old the city feels.

When I made the decision to come back home, for however brief/long it ends up being, I wasn’t exactly sure it was the best choice. However, time has shown that good things have come my way since returning. I managed to get myself financially better. And of course with that, I mean a better job, stable environment, and a cheaper cost of living. Yet, with all those great accomplishments, the one thing I hadn’t thought about was the inevitability of time. Time.

For someone like me, time can be a curse. I sit and ponder too much and always sit with a sense of urgency. FOMO if you will. How can I get out of this circle of nothingness that I keep myself into here. That’s where I sit today as I enjoy my watered down latte. Learning to navigate these feelings and make the right choices are essential for me. Taking my time and realizing the urge to get up and do something can be harmful when not approached carefully.

Anyway. This entry was meant to be all over the place, so if you took it that way, then I succeeded. It is after all, my thoughts. ‘Til next time.

I’ve been reading/watching information on becoming a better you. Getting leaner, cleaner (with what goes in your body), and overall challenging yourself with tasks to make you a better person.

Recently one of the things I was reading about was to challenge yourself to 30 days of waking up at 5AM and not looking at social media until 10am. That’s a lot of hours of not picking up your phone. A real challenge for me to conquer. I’m going to start May 1st waking up at 5AM and hopefully it’ll help get myself into a normal sleep pattern. I’m also going to add to that the cold shower challenge. Wake up at 5AM and jump into a cold shower for 30 days. A cold shower, I’ve read, is a great way to jump start your day with energy and helps you burn calories. I’m assuming because your body reacts to the cold? I have no idea.

I’ll be sure to document my reactions to see how this overhaul takes shape on my attitude and well being. Apparently, your most creative side comes out in the early morning hours after waking. I’ll wake at 5, head to the gym for 6. Work out for an hour and them come back to a delicious smoothie.

Let’s go!

It’s been a long time since I let out my thoughts to pad. Ever since I deleted my Facebook that allowed me to express myself freely to friends and family, I’ve only had a blog to release those thoughts. But the narcissism in myself didn’t care too much about writing blogs because I knew none of my friends and family were reading it. How silly of me to think that other’s would never find my writing. How silly of me to think that they weren’t already reading it. I can’t wait to take you on the journey that’s ahead of me.

It’s been a long time since I’ve felt this good. I can’t tell you what it is, it just is. I love my job, my life, my ambitions, and my dreams. Great things are coming and there is a song to celebrate that feeling. American Idol contestant, Danny Gokey, sang, “my best days are ahead of me,” and I feel like that is more true today than it has been for a while. My best days are ahead of me. I’m not sure where I’ll end up but the journey is what I’m looking forward to. Anyone who knows me, knows that that means a whole lot. I’ve only ever looked at the end. The journey has always been the gray area. The troubled area. The problem. The scapegoat. I finally feel like the journey is the joy. I can’t wait to take you on the journey that’s ahead of me.

It’s been a long time since I took my friends advice. Call it astrology, call it narcissism, call it stubbornness, call it what you will, but I’ve only ever heard my friends and/or family’s advice. I’ve never listened to it. I’ve never accepted it. I’ve never applied it until I came to the realization myself. It’s a struggle. But it finally feels like I’m in the place to recognize good advice and heed it when necessary. I can’t wait to take you on the journey that’s ahead of me.

It’s been a long time since I allowed myself to feel. To feel the love that someone else could give me, to let someone in and share life with. I’m not really sure how to handle it, to accept it. I’m ready for those walls to fall. Something happened not that so long ago that caused my walls to be brought up so high that no one could get in, even those that meant me happiness. Walls are not good because we forget to love, to care, to share, to cherish. A wall will keep out the bad but never let in the good. I can’t wait to take you on the journey that’s ahead of me.

It’s been a long time since I loved myself. I can’t wait to take you on the journey that’s ahead of me.

It’s been a long time since the future felt this positive. I can’t wait to take you on the journey that’s ahead of me.

It’s been a long time, but I can’t wait to take you, Jason, on the journey that’s ahead of me.

I am about to be 35. I’ve seen many things come and go: to the Giga Pet (yes it was better than Tamigotchi), to Family Matters, to having manners while eating your meal. I’ve been through the Iraq war to the impending Korean war. I’ve visited the hills of center Texas, to the mountains of California, and to the flat lands of southern Louisiana. Some things, however, don’t change. Thankfully, i’ve been friends with an amazing group of people that have held me up all these adult years and kept me looking forward towards tomorrow.

For some, that doesn’t come instantly. For some, friends come and go like the daily newspaper. You might love someone deep today and tomorrow find yourself so close to someone else that you can’t see your life without them. I mean, could you imagine your life without the person you call your best friend? It can happen. It happened to me.

I was friends with someone since kindergarten and today we aren’t connected at all. There are reasons why this has happened, but that isn’t the point of this blog. WHY? How can someone, someone you hold so dear, just get up and walk away? Was it you? Did you walk away? Life has a tendency to keep moving, regardless of whether or not we like it. Sometimes, that brings us closer, and sometimes it brings us farther apart, enough to separate us. That’s life, really.

Could life have dealt us a better hand? Sure. Would things end up the way they are now? Probably so.  Sometimes it isn’t time we are chasing or running from, but reality we know isn’t fit for us. That’s what happened for me. Time decided it was time to separate me from what I called a best friend and send me forward with a different group of friends.

We can question the ‘why’s’, the ‘what’s’, but reality will always send you one way, regardless. Thats how I came to be where I am today. I’ve traveled the US, in a sense, and have met so many great people. If life sent me back towards where I came from, the one thing I can take from this experience is that the friends I have today, won’t vanish. I’ve helped create a bond that has no chance of disappearing. 

This is a few days late, but I am thankful for my friends that I have helped create until eternity. I met a friend in Philadelphia, who has taught me so much about who I am and what it takes to be a friend in the first place and what it takes to be human. I’m forever thankful to have him by my side. I met another friend in Philadelphia who has showed so much heart and soul to overwhelm the best of us. She has been a solid person and I hope that my life goes forth with her by my side. 

After 2 ½ years, I moved to Los Angeles and I’ve met up with my best friend from home. Sharing a place with her has taught me a lot about living with someone who is opposite of you, yet same as you in the same sentence. I’m thankful for these friendships because they shape me into the man I am today, a man my parents created. I’m the man I am today because of all the trials and tribulations, friendships and breakups I’ve been through. 

In closing, friendships come and go. It’s the ones you help make permanent that are supposed to last forever. Make them last forever. 

Fear is defined as being afraid of someone, or something, as likely to be dangerous, painful, or threatening. It is a feeling we react to in many different ways. Fear can hold you back from touching a pet snake. Fear can immobilize you from taking a first step into a darkened room. Fear can prevent you from moving on. Fear can bring on anxiety of itself. Fear is powerful.

No matter what we fear, our level of it is the same. Someone could be afraid of flying, and another, from dying. Both equally fearful to each person in their own right. It doesn’t matter what it is, however, the challenge is facing it.

That’s where I want to take you now. Facing your fear. What do you fear? Is it love? Is it a darkened room? Or maybe you fear flying. Whatever it is, face it. Own up to it and give it no mercy. Don’t let it hold you back.

I have known my biggest fear for years and I want to share it with you now. My biggest fear is failure. It is so debilitating to my health. I suffer with it daily, in one form or another. Because I fear failure, the exact thing happens more often than not. For example, I want to write a novel and hopefully get it published. I’ve wanted to since I was a young adult. I’ve even started and stopped several projects and have ideas for others. But what if when I am done, it turns out to be horrible? I failed. I failed by not even starting. I have so many things I want to do but rarely get to any of them because i already fear the failure, so I move on to something else. It drives me crazy, but then...

...I pondered. Am I afraid of failure? Or am I afraid that I won’t master whatever I attempt? My obsession with perfection may be the Achilles hill I’ve abhorred for so long. It is holding me back from many things in life just because I fear of being average at whatever I attempt. Maybe my biggest fear isn’t failure but mediocrity. I don’t want ordinary, I want extraordinary.

What about you? What is your biggest fears and how can you overcome them?