Irrelephant

if someone doesn't wanna be with you, they don't want to

and thats the hard part of accepting everything

i feel like theres a place where i do these things or explore more

but i feel like the slipping happening and i guess i was just not observant enough

lol

hi

so im not quite sure if typing this out will help in the long run but lets just type for the short run

A was away on a business trip for the last 3 days

I have this whole list of OC things I would like to do - one being go to an improv show at irvine spectrum because 1) haven't done that here yet/in socal generally 2) its cheap/almost free ticket 3) instagram really kept getting me w ads.

I've been looking at the comics coming by and havent liked many tbh and yesterday's was finally one I could get behind. I bought 2 of the almost free tickets immediately because it was one of the few shows that fit my schedule. i didnt buy the pair with the intention of taking A but primarily that i could go and figure out the 2nd after. ofc he'd be the first i offer them too but i know that its gonna be tight if his flight lands an hour before opening.

i let A know i have tickets to this thing and he suggests i pick him up from the airport and we go straight. I KNOW thats a bad idea but i just go with it because he seems eager. i KNOW its a bad idea re: he's going to be tired/spent, the plane might be late and so on.

so it rolls around to the day and ofc it does end up being a bad logistics idea. A's plane arrives at 730, show starts at 730

i know im anxious and i had started my period but i say so. when he gets in the car i tell him ive had a super long day - starting work at 630am, and it was super tough. my period just started and its taken a lot of thought and focus to be calm for how increasingly late we're gonna be. i mention too i've asked if its bad form to C to come late to a comedy show and im worried about being heckled etc

a is doing all these small things but not owning up to them (he's impatient in the car, anxious about my driving, not completing stories) meanwhile before and after this whole thing i am debating if we just nix the whole thing but i didn't offer it (my bad on this one).

we go to the show and it seems nice but he is super tired. there's a whole joke about pilots and planes and i'm gesturing lol you just got off a plane and he's completely missed it. he does seem to enjoy it but its in and out.

the SECOND the show is over he wants to jet out of there, which is fine but weird to me. he wants to get home immediately and ironically we get into a fight and sit in the parking lot for 20 mins. the start of the fight apparently is my fault he wants to tell this "inspirational" story. apparently ive interrupted by pointing out the new sprinkles (we had just gotten out of the show he had rushed us out of, and sprinkles is literally new and im feeling jipped out of an evening. second there's a dog and its super fucking cute -- what i cant stare at a dog? a thing that we do NORMALLY, ALL THE TIME)

i will say sure i was unimpressed with his story but theres all this build up and im not getting what is so cool about the guy. im asking questions, ok so your coworker? what did he do? oh cool he lost a lot of weight thats a lot of discipline. what a is not getting is he started a story with "this person is so inspirational" and wasn't saying "me A was inspired to do x or why" he was droning on and on about this guy that i dont know, that i dont care about, and the walk to the parking lot is a solid 7 min walk. i can own that im impatient but the story is literally going nowhere for me, what is inspirational. oh how is his nutrition game, how does he look (normal), what does he do oh he runs. he lost a lot of weight, 70lbs cool thats hard. and hten the part that sets A off is apparently they went to dinner the previous night and this conference has a 5k that happens and this guy runs it and gets 5th (again im not impressed) and A goes into a stat that he runs 60 miles a week. i pause and dont say anything (mind you this whole story A is taking long pauses, ill ask these questions but hes so slow, and ive asked the questions cause IM NOT GETTING THE POINT) i didnt mean for this to be mean but i was like i mean thats cool that he runs 60 miles a week but we have a lot of friends who do that (and we do) our OC friends are all super fit (or i guess mine are) - we've had several training for marathons, one is training for a triathlon - i get apple watch notifications for ppl doing this all the time. i basically say that yeah 60 miles is cool but its not THAT cool (is this asshole-y?) i tried to backtrack and say thats cool but relatively for this circle of friends like sandra runs 20 miles in a day. i generally see disciplined exercise ppl as a standard. i wasnt expecting the guy to be michael phelps or win the olympics, but yeah sounds like someone whos disciplined who lost 70lbs in one year and maintained the discipline - which I can respect but am not inspired by

A's getting hurt that i'm not getting it and now I'm a "snob" with my "too many friends" (this is a comment he gave me the other week that has been sitting with me - that im privileged for crying about all my friends when people are lonely). i'm literally just over the story cause i dont get the point (again a at no point has addressed WHY this guy is inspirational TO him. all ive heard is this guy runs a lot and got 5th in a 5k (again i dont know if im being mean but i dont think the caliber of ppl who go to a tech work conference in vegas are SUPER fast, and its 5th, the competitive in me wouldve been mure surprised if it was 1st/2nd/3rd or a girl who beat hella boys etc. someone who runs 60 miles a week should be pretty up there)

we're on the stairs approaching the car and im telling him hes tired and the story is kind of all over the place - i wasnt trying to be mean butlets just get home. he gets mad that im not getting it and before you know it we're just sittin gin the car for 20 mins and hes escalating ( i mean i am too) but lets just get fucking home. i ask a million times to go home and he wont start the car so i open the window so ppl can hear the raised voice he has at me and he finally starts the car

tldr we start going home but hes being a lot and i have him drop me off and i walk like 7 mins of irvine center drive

we eventually meet back up, we get home, we continue the convo in my room (after some passive agggressive ness)

a big theme of the whole night for me is im the one de-escalating asking if we can take a pause, youre emotional rn, lets talk another time

but he really doesnt know when to stop and continues to say things

he makes a statement about how i make jabs and i mean i do but at least i own them/say sorry after

a doesnt connect when he's being emotional and then doing the same it just looks different

it was super exhausting

we end on slightly better terms but im mostly miffed because a theme of his argument is i shouldve known better - and i did and i communicated minus looking back i shouldve offered to nix the comedy show or tell him to uber home or i go without him(these all wouldve been bad form, but it did ruin my experience, i dont understand why he couldnt have done the same - i get why he didnt think about the logistics if he was busy at work, but he couldve been like im too tired, go on w/o me)

this is a weird/cyclical issue we have

the reason i end the night miffed is we're discussing my period and im ANNOYED that we've been together for almost 9 years why is my period A SURPRISE every time. he says i need to communicate or i shouldve given him a 5 min heads up -- and im like my period literally started right before i got in the car to get you and i told you when you got in the car??? ive been in preperiod for a week and was telling you that? i was supposed to get it on sunday?? why cant YOU ask me? why cant YOU put a calendar reminder in your shit?

i get why hes saying its my responsibility but wtf

and i make a statement about how im literally physically at a disadvantage and you want to give me MORE labor? "your periods are worse janzel"

THEY ARE. wouldnt that make it harder for me?

"just tell me"

me: what am i gonna do when im pregnant.

Everyday: "I'm pregnant anthony, i'm thirsty, get me water." "I'm pregnant, anthony, im tired, i need to sleep." "Im pregnant anthony, its hard to move, help"

i was finding that so ludicrous - i did tell him this was privileged male bullshit and he should stop but he kept going. he even wanted to school me with a work analogy that i had done incorrectly AND HE MISSED THE POINT.

the eq on this guy sometimes i swear

21 things from my 21st year

32 yr old thoughts inserted like this

people kept asking me about my birthday and i couldn't think about what i wanted to do and instead i would think about what i'd done in the last year.

so here's a uncomprehensive list of things in no particular order of importance

1. Ramen : HOW THE HELL HAVE I NOT TRIED THIS IN THE LAST 20 YEARS?!  So amazing.  Shouts to Fritz and Justine for taking me on my first go around (:

Dude ramen is greaaaat. It's kinda fallen out of favor, primarily because A thinks its super salty so you don't eat it that often. However new soups you enjoy: khao piak sen (laotian, you've now had it twice, first from jc's ex boyfriend's alex's grandma and then you sought it in a trip to DC), you've probably eaten through EVERY hot pot place in OC (standing fave mokkoji, fave in the bay was sea pot). Hmm udon IN JAPAN, and RAMEN IN JAPAN, also dry noodles. Lots of good noodles this decade ahha

2.  UC Davis : Can't tell you how nice it is to be back at a 4 year university again.  The level of education, the students and their interests, the area..It feels so much better and much more right now than it did in 2009/2010.  I felt a spark back in freshman year that was unfinished the entire time I was in San Diego.  Glad I'm back to finish out this storyline.

really awesome that you went back to school. you continue to search for those high growth/high education environments from startups/vcs in tech back and forth to corporate, moving back and forth to cities and opportunities that will give you this

3.  Running :  I was supposed to be in cross country in high school but went the color guard route instead.  I did track and flag football in middle school though so I've always been around running but never long distance.  Longer distance running has brought me a lot of calm in the past year.

one of the posts right before this is about how you ran a 5k in october 2013 with no training and were thinking about a 10k - oct 2015 you will run the nike womens half marathon in SF (AND MANY more races). april 2024 you are currently thinking about running again since nike will re-open their global womens races in 2025

4.  Seattle : I will never stop singing the praises of my solo trip to Washington State from December 25, 2012 through January 1, 2013.  It was amazing, touching and perfect.  A white Christmas, Seattle Great Wheel crossed off the bucket list, a wedding, the city..I could go on and on.

you lose this solo trip wonder a little bit. you do a decent job but you do end up doing a LOT of travel with anthony and other ppl (primarily marianne RIP portland, paige also rip texas, travel for occasions/family chicago, etc). i challenge you a little to go on more personal trips by yourself -- the universe gave you this via work travel this year in 2024 its only 90 days in and youve been to SF, DC, Vegas. In approximately 10ish days you will go to Norfolk, VA, DC, NYC, Minneapolis, Madison/Lacrosse, WI, SF again. Be by yourself more its good for your brain.

5.  Starbucks : This past August marks my two years with the company.  For a girl who gets bored extremely easily, its kind of a surprise to me that I've been here this long.  Starbucks is the perfect part time job for a full time college student.  I have to thank the corporation for the work, lessons in humility, paychecks, knowledge/skill and connections, however I'm getting jaded.  This job is a means to an end, but I'm okay with that.

to this day still one of my favorite jobs. you end up clocking 3.5 yrs. and it catapaults you to many other opportunities. you always do ike managing.. maybe try to do that later. (pretty sure i had gotten promoted to shift supervisor in this 2 yr mark?)

6.  It's the small things : With stuff like 5 in mind, finding the good in the days that aren't "the best day ever" keeps me sane.

you are very good w this. this and giving yourself a lil adventure or pick me up EVERY day

7.  Go with the flow : I think I'm more at peace with my internal struggles and external dreams now more than ever.  People talk about the 20s as this time of constant change, but I'm honestly looking forward to continuing to ride the wave.

the 20s end up getting way harder girl LOL

i am better at this in some ways and worse in others, i've never been a go with someone elses flow tho and likely never will be

8.  Dance : I've taken more formal classes and have committed myself to furthering this interest. That's about as concise as it gets.  A specific unforgettable event would be DDR 2013.  I freestyled on the stage in front of a bigger audience than I have ever danced solo in front of.  It was uninhibited and it was great.

interesting that this is a highlight because you are dancing AGAIN on accident tail end of 2023 into 2024 because of a friend named keistrel and heels classes by simone. this could be a whole post altogether but the confidence i feel in a dance class is built on this foundation. thank you past me for getting up to this. yes i highlight ddr 2013, i also highlight you dancing to this is how we do it at a debut, i am also proud of you for dancing at some weddings. it makes me sad A hates dancing at weddings, but im glad you find ways to do this. this past 2 yrs in dc youve taken some of your friends to afterhours dance studio and its honestly the best.

9. Progress : Progress no matter how slow is still progress.  If you're working towards something a little bit everyday you may not see success or tangible rewards when you go to bed at night, but when you look back and see the growth that is often more than enough.

WORD

10.  Patience : Piggybacks off 9, but patience truly is a virtue.

ALSO WORD BUT STILL SUCK AT BEING PATIENT

11.  It's okay to not be okay : No one's operating at 100% at every single moment of their life.  Be honest, be real, be you.  If it hurts, it hurts.  It doesn't make you any less of a person.  Vulnerability is a beautiful thing that doesn't get shared too often because it is taught to many of us, men especially, as a sign of weakness.  That's a shame.  Being angry or sad has as much merit to be talked about as being happy.  No matter what, if you're feeling it, it's a thing.  React and handle it accordingly, but don't be ashamed to share the burden.

im v good at this and ppl are drawn to it. this has changed where its become more public facing like on ig story...just this week i posted a bunch about ivf, egg/embryo freezing... kinda wild. i feel a shift in myself about this, ive been wanting to be more private so theres ebbs and flows but we'll see what i think about this in another 10 years..

12.  Ask for help and help when able : self explanatory and extremely rewarding

YEP

13. Stay Hungry, Stay Humble :  You are never entitled to anything.  You must earn it.  Respect, a title, kindness, acceptance, etc.  Don't be a dick to the person behind the counter, on the bus, in the street.. they're deserving of a polite human being, just like you.  Now, don't be insincere, just don't act or believe you're better than anyone..because let's face it, the pedestal that you put yourself up on is pretty shoddy at best because everyone has something to work on.

YEP

14.  Confidence/Awareness/Intelligence : Charisma and a healthy self esteem will get you further in life than good looks.  Sure, good looks help, I won't deny that appeal.  But if you can get heads to turn when you walk in, the real question is how are you going to keep them attentive?  Being the best version of yourself has more to it than the physical.

also YUP

15.  Friendships are relationships too : Say sorry, show your appreciation, communicate.  Put in the time.  Make the time. Share your life, it's worth it.  I have best friends now, and I used to swear off the term for years. dude you end up having a stupid amount of friends, and you keep making more LOL kinda crazy that I used to never have close friends on purpose and now i'm hella focused on it. i spent the first 2 yrs of moving to OC OBSESSED w how i would make close friends.

16.  Family : is the best and most stable family one can ever be blessed with.  All family dynamics are different so figure out what works and fine tune it when you can.  Your parents gave up their free time, freedom and a lot of their paychecks to provide for you...you can learn a lot from them.  Your siblings are the only ones who know how crazy your parents are...laugh, grow up, grow together.   Know your roots and history too, it helps for a complete picture in the times you're feeling a little hazy. this has changed A BUNCH. A is my family now. and my dog lol. and select bffs. im not estranged from my family but theres a bunch of up and downs in the decade that follows. i tolerate/make time for my family but its v empty for me (on my side, prob fine for them). also have grown apart from my sister but it is what it is. she also grew up.

17.  Social Drinking :  GETTING DRUNK IS FUN.  WHO KNEW.  ahahha I don't go out much and I tend to prefer a good buzz more than anything, but shoot.  There's a big world out there and now I don't have to worry about not being old enough to get in ahha.  Food, bars, clubs, whatevs.   JUST LOL on this, you go on to try so many new things and im glad youre not sheltered anymore. 21 yr old you would be like *eyes emoji* about some hahah

18.  Laura : Any girl knows that a solid good girl friend is a rare find.  She's one of those.  Kinda random, kinda wonderful.  Shouts to Marianne, Louise, Franz and errbody. RIP marianne, i should text laura!

19.  Take Responsibility : Owning your actions and their consequences is not only more mature, but freeing.  Sounds counterintuitive, but once you realize you may have had some effect on your situation, you are no longer the victim, but also your own hero.  You can do something with your life once you stop blaming everyone else for your shortcomings.   generally i am good at this, something i am STILL working on tho is being defensive/stubborn

20.  God is good : I don't talk much about my religion/spirituality, but it truly gives me something to hold on to when the going gets tough.  I understand religion isn't for everyone, but its done enough for me.  When that changes, I may re evaluate my beliefs, but eso si que es.  #socks i wonder what #socks is. this has also changed a bunch i am not really religious at all. i do believe in the higher power (also i learned i was using agnostic wrong my whole life). i have been kinda wondering about trying out church's here but i generally am not a religious person and likely will continue to not be and if i do itll be a small minority of time or forcing myself to go to an hour mass to go be a robot because it quiets my mind (L o L at myself if im hella idk christian in 10 yrs)

21.  Everything happens for a reason:  Don't lose the lesson, learn from your mistakes.  Make more mistakes.  Make the best of your situation. Don't be afraid to spend time on your own or taking the time to think about all the things you actively try not to think about.  It can be painful but it can also be good for you on the path to self actualization.   i'd edit this to this is a life paradigm/belief ive adopted because it makes me feel better. i dont like the idea that the world is chaotic and unfair but yeah at 32 and seeing how corporate america/late stage capitalism has played i dont think things always happen for a reason lol. things are unfair, bad things happen to good people. i adopted this mindset for myself tho because it allows ME to reflect and for ME to MAKE SENSE OF this journey im on. it also helps validate/rationalize some decisions ive made or learnings ive decided ive learned. this has become more nuanced but i generally am ok w the sentiment haahh. i think me with 11 yrs more of life experience tho is definitely more jaded and accepting of gray

Cheers to 22 in 2 weeks.

cause its been awhile

1. Post a picture of you?

a- uh, too lazy/i post hella pics ahah ill do one separately

b- yes also still too lazy

2. Would you date an 18-year-old at the age you are now?

a - nah. hows he supposed to bring me a blue moon on a crappy day! jk jk. if i did he'd have to be quite mature

b- HELL NO. Plus I'm married LOL. I'm 32 and A's 34.

3. Do you prefer to be friends with girls or boys?

a- both

b- STILL BOTH I LOVE FRIENDSHIP

4. Would you ever smile at a stranger?

a - i do this often

b- yep still doing this

5. Can you commit to one person?

a - id like to think so yes

b - A and I will have been together 9 years next month (it is April 2024 rn)

6. How do you look right now?

a - glasses, hair in high bun, home lyfe

b- no glasses/got PRK eye surgery 4(?) yrs ago, wavy permed hair down, still home lyfe, pantulog

7. What exactly are you wearing right now?

a - black and white striped 3/4 sleeve top, red pajama shorts from pi, black knee highs

b- white quarter zip from outdoor voices (one of my fave sf sustainable brands), white t from outdoor voices, green sweats, green slytherin socks

8. How often do you listen to music?

a - lately not so much, just when i run

b- occasionally, more a podcast person (podcasts are having a moment/have been)

9. Do you wear jeans or sweats more?

a - i barely wear jeans, so by default, sweats

b- still same but because there was a global pandemic in 2020

10. Do you think your life will change dramatically before 2014?

a - its nov 20, 2013.. no? we'll see though

b- it did not then, but life is VERY different now from 2013

11. Are you a social or an antisocial person?

a - social, but i like to hermit

b - still same

12. If the person you like says they like someone else, what would you say?

a - i currently dont like anyone..but if i did id be like cool story bro ahha

b - divorce?! lmao jk

13. Are you good at hiding your feelings?

a - depends on what feelings they are

b - ^^same

14. Can you drive a stick shift?

a - YES ish

b - i doubt ^^^ previous knowledge is muscle memory so im gonna go w no. also i own a tesla model y rn and in april 24 elon musk gave everyone a free self driving trial so i actually havent really driven this month LOL

15. Do you care if people talk badly about you?

a - of course but, i like to think im living my life in a way that wouldn't require much outside talk

b - still same

16. Are you going out of town soon?

a - lols out of davis? saturday! bahah but no not really not till i go home in a little less than a month

b - yes actually on a stupid personal-work-personal-personal-home for a night - work trip

17. When was the last time you cried?

a -hmm..probably my birthday LOL just teared up but yee

b- like an hour ago LOL (im pre-period)

18. Have you ever liked someone you didn’t expect to?

a - yee

b - ^ i mean i guess yes if i said so then LOL. in retrospect i think i was very close minded so idk what to make of this question and response ahha

19. If you could change your eye color, would you?

a - no? my eyes are pretty light for the standard brown (so ive been told) if i could i would change them to something light..even lighter brown, gray, green..hazel sounds pretty actually

b - i dont think my eyes are lighter than standard brown LOL but im cool w the above selections

20. Name something you have to do tomorrow?

a - write paper

b - drive to san diego to meet up with old intuit coworker/friends

21. Name something you dislike about the day you’re having.

a - lol i overslept! fail!

b - being fatigued and emotional cause period YAY WOMAN HOOD

22. Have you ever liked one of your best friends of the opposite sex?

a - yes, but never at the time they liked me!

b - ^^yep still accurate and it was multiple!

23. Are you nice to everyone?

a - yes, but there are definitely days i am irritable and am not ahha

b - see above LOL

24. What are you sitting on right now?

a - lying down on my bed on my stomach

b - the couch in my office

25. Do you think you can last in a relationship for 6 months and not cheat?

a - si

b - going 9 yrs strong bb

26. Have you ever wanted someone you couldn’t have?

a - dont think so unless youre talking about chris evans nawmsayin

b - LMAO ^^ yes everyone is in reach. honestly chris evans too (if i was unmarried)

27. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night?

a - probs jc

b - A

28. Do you get a lot of colds?

a - i usually get hella sick once a year, so no

b - this year i have been sick like every month POST COVID TINGz

29. Have your pants ever fallen down in public?

a - HAHAHA my skirt fell off in a solo for my senior year showcase

b - ^^^see above. STILL mortifying

30. Does anyone hate you?

a - i hope not! lol

b - i can think of one person LOL, and anyone who still has me blocked that i am both aware and not aware of LOL

31. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to?

a - yee

b - si

32. Do you like watching scary movies?

a - if im in the mood

b - i dont think im ever in the mood ever anymore

33. Are you a jealous person?

a - no, i can tell you about the one time i remember being hella jealous though. i was like 6 or 7. ask me in person

b - i can add one more experience to this list from when i was 23/24. those 2 items are it tho

34. If you had to delete one year of your life completely, which would it be?

a - one i couldnt remember ahah

b - ooh sassy^^ imma steal that answer

35. Did you have a dream last night?

a - nope

b - nope, but i did have 2 crazy nights of dreams this week. maybe its the magnesium?? (recent new thing ive been trying)

36. Is there anyone you can tell EVERYTHING to?

a - yee

b - yepk, plenty

37. Do you think you’ll be married in 5 years?

a - who knows! probs not because i dont have a boyfriend right now hhaha

b - i mean i hope so

38. Do you think someone has feelings for you?

a - not that i know of so no

b - at least one LOL

39. Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

a - i'm thinking bout me right now nawmsayin

b - ahhahaha^^ prob idk

40. Did you have a good day yesterday?

a - yesterday..monday..it was aiite

b - yesterday..wednesday..also aiite cause preperiod

41. Think back 2 months ago; were you in a relationship?

a - newp

b - same one

42. Is your life anything like it was two years ago?

a - no

b - NOT ONE SMIDGE

43. If the person you wish to be with were with you, what would you be doing right now?

a - no current wishes lol, if there was..id be doing the same thing

b - he's asleep and i should also sleep (12:47am)

44. What’s the best part about school?

a - learning new things that i can share or pull up from memory at a later time

b - still love learning!!

45. Do you have any pictures on your Facebook?

a - lolz

b - there are still pics there but theyre all private and honestly only boomers use fb these days ahah

46. Do you ever pass notes to your friends in school?

a - uh, texts

b - LOL^^ i did pass notes when that was a thing

47. Do you replay things that have happened in your head?

a - mhm

b - yeah

48. Were you single over the last summer?

a - si

b - nope

49. What are you supposed to be doing right now?

a - papel

b - zzzz

50. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive?

a - i like to think so. fell asleep before 11, that old man! ahha

b - everyone ive been spamming w my tumblr reblogs ...yeah theyre all p cute! ahha