.T.O.X.I.C. by .Y.O.U.

He didn’t buy flowers. But one night he just picked up the hair brush off the bed and started brushing my hair. We hardly ever went out for dinner. But he sat on the cold tiles next to the bath, feeding me toasted cheese. My wet hands, wrinkling at the finger tips in the water.

I spend two hours with my make up. He says: “Oh is base that stuff that makes you look a bit pale sometimes?” But in the morning, he’d keep his face in my pussy. He’d go deaf when I tell him: I think I just can’t come today.

He wasn’t impressed at my tight blue dress. But he held my face to the sky, as he filled my mind with thoughts. He pulled my hands from my ears, as he whispered to me in the dark his secrets about myself He didn’t complete me. Quite the opposite. I’m terrified as he rips apart the puzzle. He’s got a mirror to my face, and a flash light shining in my eyes. I’m interrogated by his love. Somedays I feel like a dream house. You buy it, only to renovate every room. The smell of wet paint clogging in my lungs.

I learned that you should love people when they least deserve it, ’cause that’s when they need it the most.

I learned that letting go can be a painful, torturous process and regardless of what comes in between you will not fully recover or come to terms with the past until you yourself take that very decision.

I also learned that life will fuck you up in numerous, miserable ways and sometimes you cannot make it on your own. I learned you should allow friends to support you and people to be near you in the hardest moments, because that’s generous and it’s true and it’s beautiful to know you are not alone in your pain.

I learned love can cure any disease of the heart, and not the love you get from others, but the one you project over someone or something in your life, be it bad or good.

I learned for the millionth time that miscommunication is the most underrated reason for fuck ups and situations that seem unfixable, only cause it’s not done correctly, with real words, in the real life.

I learned Facebook can be such a blind whore with no sense of humour when it comes to friends and relationships, but we shouldn’t entirely blame our failures on that, since our brain has been equipped by nature with discernment.

I eventually learned that people will say things they mean, things they don’t mean and meaningful things that don’t mean anything by the time you face the facts.

I learned that being honest, and honest as an artist can bring you a lot of trouble. Like alienating friends, pushing people away, giving way to a lot of paranoia. Something you’ve written can turn tables every moment of your life because today’s general perception is so much oriented towards the author’s own life and its translation in art through writing, and not towards the manuscript. I see this all the time.  I’m not gonna say – okay, I can write anything, don’t take me so serious ’cause it’s not real. It’s fucking real, but once reality took its toll, it’s just a good or bad piece of writing. Meant for people to read and connect with it. Made for others to criticize or enjoy.  And people who truly know you should never be affected by what we still call today postmodern fiction.

I learned we should forgive and forget. There’s too much guilt ingrained in our society and systems, as if someone put up a guilt standard or made a badge for it that we should always wear after – according to general perception – we screwed up or just did something that doesn’t fit others expectations. Just fucking relax, people, life is not a barometer for how many mistakes we made. Friendships are not, relationships are not. A wiser person once told me that without the capacity to forget, we could never actually move on. I guess we lose that capacity with age, no? We get into a sort of forgetting/forgiving Alzheimer.

I learned that no matter how you treat a person, they will someday fail you and that’s ok ’cause we’re human after all. No one can demand perfection. However, I still have this one unsolved – if you’re a bitch to someone they will judge and blame you for that. And if you’re all sweet and nice, they will take advantage of it, take you for granted and still blame you for whatever doesn’t suit their mood or lifestyle.

I learned that disappointment can turn you into a walking disaster, to the point you let it all pass through you and decide to take to your heart only the good stuff from it. I learned that even though you cannot trust people you should never give up on trusting yourself.

I learned that sorry is only a word and without a promise or a fact attached to it it’s meaningless. I learned that if you love someone, you should go after them and be thankful for them and be with them in meaningful ways cause thats raw, and unguarded and its all that matters in the end and what life should be about.

I learned that sometimes, as the song says, sadness can be a blessing, ’cause the only way to move forward and detach from it is to stand up and turn all that shit into something meaningful.

So, if anything I write makes you laugh, feel better, smile or at least have a reason to bitch about, then I made a good job out of mine. ♥

You’re welcome.