Jane's Share

This evening my sweet 17-year old dog Macy was euthanized. She made the decision for me. She had a horrible vomiting attack, was groaning, and very quickly went down hill.

I am reduced to short thoughts.

My sweet dog Macy is around 17 years old. I’ve had her in my life for all of those 17 years. She’s traveled the country with me, stayed in the swankiest of hotels, and been a wonderful companion. This is one special dog.

Macy is a lab/shepherd mutt. She’s a bigger dog. So, 17 is ancient for her size.

No matter how much you know they will not live forever, it is always sad to see them decline.

Today I came home from an exhaustingly long day to find her in the hallway unable to get up. She was struggling and had been for who knows how long. Apparently all day long she went into various rooms in the house and vomited or “trickled” a mixture of mucous and “number 2.”

I got her up, took her outside, and got some wet old towels. I cleaned her up, threw the towels away, and then cleaned up the house with bleach spray and a mop. I’m always prepared.

I cooked her some chicken breast. She wouldn’t eat it. I tried to give her a slice of lunch meat. She wouldn’t eat it. I tried to give her a dog treat. She wouldn’t eat it.

I can see we are getting close to the end now. I’m going to take her to the vet in the morning. I know she is dehydrated. She drank a little this evening, but not enough.

I hope this is not the last visit to the vet. I am so afraid that it will be. I love this dog so much. I know she can’t live forever, but I don’t want this to be the end. Please. Not yet.

Even though she might be ready, I’m not. I don’t think I ever will be.

Note: this is NOT carb free (cranberries have 6 g. carbs, 2 g. fiber per 1/2 cup)

1/2 package cranberries 5 stevia (in the raw) packets (or to your taste) 1/2 c. + a little water (the berries need to float in the water) 1/2 tsp. Cinnamon (maybe more, maybe less - to your taste)

Before you start:  If you're going to put this in a jar, make sure you have the jar and a funnel ready. Otherwise, have your dish ready.

Cooking:  Add cranberries, water, and stevia all together in a medium sauce pan. Boil and then reduce heat (I use level 8 of 10 on my stove). Stir stir stir (did I mention you need to stir?) until it gets thick (mine got really thick). Stir in Cinnamon. Stir Stir Stir then immediately put in your container (jar or dish).

My running yesterday started and ended all in about 2 minutes. I started the run and got about .05 of a mile in and my knee popped and shot pain through my leg. It hurt so much that I actually cried out and two men who were working on the soccer field looked up and asked if I needed help. I was able to limp back to get my workout bag and keys and then limped to the car frustrated as "heck." Immediately I called the orthopedic clinic I've visited in the past and made an appointment with the knee doctor. I went there about two years ago for minor pain when I was beginning to get in shape. But this is not minor pain. This is "ouchy" pain, as they use in the doctor's office, this is level 8 to 10 pain, not 2 to 4 discomfort. I took some pain reliever (that is also an NSAID) and tried to be still and not move around a lot.

So now what? Are my running days over before I even got a chance to really be a runner? I hope not. I really enjoy it more than I can say. Going to make no assumptions until I see the doctor, get the x-rays, and hear what he has to say.

My friend shared a great post on her Facebook page (F.I.T. Family). I won't go into all of the details because it was a long post, but the gist was that those areas that are "rotten" in ourselves should be carved out so the new growth can repair and replace it.

As long as I can remember, I have always had a deep-seated (or is it deep-seeded?) fear of failure. It generally clouds everything I do. I have been able to use that fear to be successful in my career -- because I just HATE to fail at anything, and I HATE being wrong. When I "feel" like I've failed, it really affects me at my core and causes what I know is undue stress. My general reaction, when put in a situation where I feel like I have a very good chance of failing is one of two tracks: (1) work so hard that there is no chance of failure, to the point that "overwork" is understatement, or (2) choose to fail, give up, take the punishment from not succeeding, which is generally far worse when it comes from my own core. I can't remember a time I chose #2, so you can imagine how much I work, overwork, stress out, feel like I'm going to fail, etc. And, when I work that hard and still fail, what comes next? You guessed it a day or week or month of self-berating on why I could have done more to succeed, which then clouds my own reality in a negative way.

I've really had to take a very hard long look at myself and determine what success and failure are. Success has to begin to mean something else to me. Success simply cannot be never doing anything wrong. Let's face it, I will do things wrong (I have done lots of things wrong!). I will do things in the way I think they should be done, trying to follow (often convoluted) instructions, and discover... I was incorrect. Should I feel like a failure and self-berate myself about being incorrect? No, I don't think so. Trying to do a good job should count for something, at minimum internally, and being wrong should not be self-destructive. When I do things incorrectly, I simply (ha, "simply") need to learn that it's okay and that it is a learning situation and move on. Yes, easier said than done. 

Another issue I have is that often I "just don't feel like writing/research." This can lead to me procrastinating or simply not doing the work at all. When I put it off until I "feel like doing it," I'm not helping myself get rid of the "rotten," I'm helping it grow.

I've come up with some active suggestions for myself below. I'll revisit these in a few weeks to see if I've made any progress on pruning out the rotten fear of failure.

I cannot overcome my fear of failure by failing on purpose. TASK: Get a calendar, mark out required work times, work, and then feel better. I will do the research/writing I WANT to do, not the work someone else wants me to do. TASK: (1) Do not get caught up in someone else's work/collaboration unless it truly interests you. (2) Protect your time and resources.

Today I had to go to the office to get some paperwork done. I am waiting waiting waiting for people to be in the office so that I can take care of what I need to do. Apparently, in our technologically savvy world, we still need paper for some things. So, I wait.

Can't remember if I've posted that I'm on sabbatical (I really don't like the term "professional leave" - it sounds like I did something wrong, whereas "sabbatical" does not), which means I do NOT have to go to my office again until January 2015. I AM working, just not there! Don't want this time to slide away and wonder where it went. Focus on my own work and no one else's work.

For a couple of months, I have been thinking about how I might lower my car payment. I could get a smaller new, or a used car, or just suck it up and keep paying for the one I have. 

I went to the Toyota dealership yesterday and drove both the Camry and the Corolla. We went round and round for a bit and I finally said, "You know, I like you guys, you've really been great and working to get me where I want to be, but the honest truth is I really don't like either one of these cars. My main goal is to have a fairly significant lower payment, so whichever one will get me there, that's what I'll do. I really like MY car, but I just cannot afford the payment any longer, period." I was driving a RAV4.

The manager guy looked at the sale guy and said, "Well, let's see if we can't get you into a new RAV4 for the price you want. Right now there are some incentives that should help you out." I said, "Really..." I was thinking... here it comes... sell sell sell. The sales rep got keys and I test drove the 2014 RAV4.  I was thinking, right, you're gonna get me the same (newer) car for less than a smaller car, and for the same or similar terms.

We went back into the office and the manager came back with a deal that was less than the Camry. I said, "Is there nothing else you can do for me?" He came back with a payment that was $90 less than my old payment with very good terms. I knew that what they were offering was less than what the average person was paying for the same car (thanks internet). They either really wanted the sale or maybe they felt sorry for me, which they should... I told them I was a repeat customer and why.

Three years ago, I was in a terrible accident (not my fault); a lady hit me head on and totaled my car -- it was a RAV4 -- completely crushed in the front end. It kept me safe. I had only bumps and bruises. My insurance was great, but I had about 7 days to recover, figure out what I needed to do, and find a new/different car. Not the best mindset to buy a car. I ended up taking a deal that was too high.

Why not get used car? I looked. I was not opposed to a used car, but Toyotas usually come in with high mileage. I had looked online and found none that were anywhere close to decent mileage. Why get a Toyota? Well, the truth is this. After that accident (previously described), and having that car "protect" me even though it was completely destroyed on the front end. I'm just not going to get anything else but a Toyota.

So... here's the new RAV4. It's a little darker blue (Shoreline Blue is apparently the color) than the one I was driving just yesterday. It's "sleeker" and it gets better gas mileage.

You can see from a previous post "My Fitness History (So Far)" that I have been working on "getting fit." Although I only mentioned losing weight in passing in that post, it has been a never-ending battle in my life. I know I talked a little of this in another previous post, "Journey Really Just Beginning," but I'll lay it all out and on the line now, "for realzzz."

My Brief Growing Up and Out History

Where to begin -- way way back 3-3.5 decades now, I was a nice skinny little kid. Then, as I grew up, I "fleshed out" but I still wasn't overweight. But, there were the beginnings of a weight problem and I never felt like I was "thin enough" or "pretty" or whatever. Two years ago, this was me (see photo below). It's hard to look at, but, I'm being real here. Yeah. I made it to full-fledged obesity. I was there for a long time. Longer than I want to admit. Two years ago, my doctor said you might want to consider bariatric surgery. I decided to first attack this by hiring a trainer (who was/is great) and through eating right.

The Next Step

A couple of months ago, I was at my doctor's office for my annual check up and blood work. The previous year, I was definitely on my way down on the weight issue. I'd lost some weight, I was smaller, I'd gotten, or was getting, fit, and I was on the right track. He was satisfied that I didn't fit the category for bariatric surgery, at least at that point.

They came back onto the table at this last annual check up. I was so angry and frustrated by LOTS of things. I had worked hard, I mean HARD, for close to two years, doing all kinds of exercises that I HATE, making myself die at the gym, in running, in all kinds of simply terrible exercises... terrible because it is terrible to always be last to complete things. I had been counting every calorie religiously (I was using two different systems to count them no less -- so I was counting them twice a day!), eating all the right foods, you know, the "well-balanced diet." I got to the doctor and we found I had GAINED weight.

He looked at me straight and said, "Maybe it's time to consider bariatric surgery again. You're doing all of this work and it's simply not working for you. It seems like you would be the perfect candidate." I felt completely defeated, completely a failure, completely awful. I simply let go of any hope I would ever have of doing this without surgery. The tears came and he could see my distress. I was utterly devastated by his statement. If you are over weight, you know how emotional things can get. Well, it did, at least for a bit. I told him how frustrated I was with exercising so hard (I told him what exercises I did just in the three days prior to seeing him - Bootcamp, BodyPump, and a running workout). I told him I was tired of eating my broccoli without cheese, "I mean, who wants broccoli without cheese or some kind of sauce? That sucks!"

He said, "I can also prescribe Phentermine, an appetite suppressant."

I said, "Fine, I'll take the prescription." I gave up. He saw that. I'm sure my shoulders slumped. I'm sure my body language said it every way possible... I give up... But I said one last thing, "I don't think it's appetite. I barely eat. I actually have to force myself to eat something to make my minimum calorie count. But, I'll take the prescription." I was, in two words, done trying. He saw that too. He saw how terrible that was for me, to just "give up" on losing weight through fitness and eating right.

At this point, he said, "Okay, for your insurance to cover the surgery, I have to see you once a month for six months and monitor your diet closely. I also have to see you once a month if you are going to use Phentermine." Then, he sat back for a minute. I didn't look at him, I just had my head down and was trying to get myself together emotionally. It was just so defeating. He sat for a moment and I looked at him. I could see he thought for an instant and then decided to tell me this:

"Okay, I'm going to tell you to do something else, and it may sound strange, but I want you to try it." I nodded and he went on.

"First, I want you to fast for 3 days, just water and unsweetened liquids like tea and coffee, but no cream. This will reset your system and will also help your muscles burn off any remaining glycogen. You will curse me on the 2nd day, and then on the third day, you will wonder where the energy came from."

"Once you've done this for a bit, your body will start producing ketones. There is a process called gluconeogenisis, meaning, generating glucose from non-carbohydrate sources. Gluco, meaning sugars, neo meaning new and genisis meaning generate. What happens is that your body will create glucose or glycogen from other sources including fat and protein. As part of this, you will produce ketones. Your body does this naturally when you're burning fat for fuel. You can check to see if your body is producing ketones by using ketone strips which you can get these over the counter at any pharmacy. If you do this, your body will also try to burn proteins. Do you know what you have to do to keep that from happening?"

"Lift lots of weights?" I asked.

"Well, you need to do that too, but primarily, you will need to eat lots of proteins. So when you start eating again, focus on eating lean proteins, as much as you want." He went on, "Also limit your carbohydrate intake to no more than 20 grams per day. Any carbohydrates that you have should be mostly fiber-based."

I interrupted again, "Twenty?"

"Yes, just 20 per day. Have vegetables that have low carbohydrate amounts. Also, stop counting calories--"

Again, I interrupted, "Stop counting calories?"

"Yes and let yourself have cheese on your broccoli. You can have fat, just don't go overboard on it."

I said, "Okay...so don't count anything, except carbs, eat lost of lean protein, low carb vegetables, and I can have cheese on my broccoli."

He went on to describe more about this, but I won't bore you with the minutiae. If you really want to know all about it, you can read a book called The Art and Science of Low Carbohydrate Living.

After I made another appointment for the next month, I left the office with the Phentermine prescription in hand. I went over to the pharmacy and, like any diet drug I guess, it was not covered by insurance - $45 right out of my pocket. You know that was exciting to discover.

So, I went home and started the fast. I made it almost to a full three days. My sister and her family arrived on the evening of the 3rd day and I had to make food for them. I ended up eating. But, I was on my way to this weird diet. I thought it was weird anyway. We went on our vacation for a week and then I started my diet for real. This was a week after my doctor visit.

I ate low carb everything. I figured out what I liked, what I didn't like, found some "go to" foods that were tasty. I switched out milk for almond milk, or soy milk on occasion. I found a phone app to help me when I had to go out to lunch or dinner for business. I also kept on exercising. I was training for my first 5K, which I had signed up to run on my birthday, about three days after my first month's follow up visit with the doctor.

A month passes. I knew I was feeling better, had more energy, was generally doing better physically and emotionally, but I was cautious and ready to be disappointed again. If this didn't work, I was ready to throw in the towel. I went to my one-month appointment and weighed. I didn't look at it. I sat in his exam room, waiting... The nurse came in before he did and handed me a post it note with my previous month's weight and blood pressure and the weight and blood pressure from that day. I had lost 15 lbs and my BP was in the normal to low range. I was kind of shocked. When he came in, I showed him the post it note. He gave me a high five and a hug. I told him how I was feeling and that I wondered why I hadn't discovered eating this way before. I could tell he could see how happy I was that something had FINALLY worked in my favor, at least for now.

We talked for several minutes about the next steps. First, he said, "This will slow down, but you will continue to lose weight, as long as you continue on this lifestyle. Too many people have lost weight, gone back to the wrong habits, and gained it all back. I don't want that to happen for you."

I looked him straight in the eye, "That's not going to be me. If I've learned one thing it's that I don't ever want to go through losing weight again. I want it done. But, frankly, this has been the easiest diet, if you want to call it that, that I've ever done. I am simply not hungry, I have lots of energy, and I feel better than I have felt in years."

He smiled at me and gave me another hug. I made another follow up appointment, even though he said I probably didn't need to do so. I said, "I need the motivation and accountability. I'll see you in a month."

It's been about half a month from that visit and I've lost an additional 4-5 lbs. I ran and finished my first 5K and now am deciding if I really want to try for a 10K, or just stick with 3.1 miles as my "go to distance." But... that's another post.

Here is what I looked like before the new way of eating (just 1.5 months ago), a photo from vacation. This was from exercise and eating a well-balanced diet. The next photo is just before the 5K, 3 days after the one-month doctor check in. Yes, I have a long way to go. But, hopefully I will get there.