Jango's BlueFox Den

He’s a good man, he’s a Gym Chad, he’s the one that sees someone super scrawny or morbidly obese enter the gym and immediately gives them the warmest welcome and helps them get fit. He’s the guy playing basketball with the neighborhood kids after Sunday mass, Simon’s good.

But that doesn’t mean Simon’s soft.

Look at his body. Look at his Triple A Grade Beefcake constitution. Simon Belmont cracks chestnuts with his pectorals. Whenever he flexes his biceps, ballistic detection radars everywhere trigger. His hands are considered open carry weapons. Why did he develop this body of steel? To make sure evil REALLY gets what its got coming to it.

Simon’s good, but not soft. Simon went and beat the UTTER HELL out of Dracula (who in the Castlevania context is basically a living God) and his whole Halloween entourage (which included Death It-fucking-self), just fucking ragdolled that Bela Lugosi-looking mother fucker across his stupid ass throne room like he owed him money, and then, when we thought he was done, when he thought he was done, Dracula is like “I really don’t like getting my ass beat this hard, so I’m gonna curse you with my dying breath, haha, later sucker!”

And that was the worst mistake Dracula could have ever made, because Simon, now Super Kaio Ken Times 10 Ultra Instinct Blanco El Padre Forma Final Pissed. How pissed is that? Why, pissed enough to manually, personally traverse a whole country looking for the scattered pieces of Dracula’s body (BECAUSE HE MANGLED HIM THAT DAMN HARD, I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH), finding them, assembling them in an extra unholy altar, and reviving Dracula with his own hands just so he could beat the UTTER HELL out of him again, but EVEN HARDER this time. Just god damn made Playdoh out of his head! Threw him against every piece of furniture in the room! There’s literally no part of Dracula that Simon didn’t punch and whip! How fucking upset do you have to be to reassemble a walking horror and revive him with your own damn hands just so you can one up your own ultra beatdown from just a while ago? SIMON BELMONT UPSET, THAT’S HOW UPSET. At that point, Dracula didn’t even TRY again while Simon was alive, no way, he was done getting Turboplexed through tables and 67-hit air combo’d. He was like “aight G, you, you live the rest of your life good, I’m done now, sorry, I’m so sorry” and the Simon beat him up some more, and left a message to all his descendants: “If you see this bitch? Fuck him UP”. And his entire bloodline DELIVERED.

Castlevania is a franchise of people just beating the tar out of a technically very powerful dude because he messed with the wrong beefcake. Dracula has Death Itself at his side and it doesn’t help him! Hell, Death gets beat up just as much as Dracula, if not a bit more! When not even Grim Gregory Reaper himself can fucking help you, why are you EVEN TRYING to go at these people!? Even Dracula’s son, Alucard, was like “oh yeah no actually I don’t wanna get ragdolled like that” and switched sides so he could ragdoll his own dad (also because of some mom stuff but), like, IT’S JUST COMMON SENSE.