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Why is it that i usually find myself lost in thoughts but when i speak to people, i somehow appear to be all...perky?

Have i been pretending to look okay to the point that i do it normally now?

It's not like i want people to see me all gloomy - it's obviously what i've always been trying to avoid in the first place.

It's just that...being all bubbly around people makes me feel that everyone thinks i'm always okay - and this is exactly what i was aiming for, tbh.

But some part of me says it's not good because now, people think i don't need to be consoled as they see me as someone who's usually composed.

I feel like maybe people think i got it all together and so i'm not into mushy stuff.

Man, it would be really great to to be able to talk to someone who truly understands and is interested in this subject - not about "me", but about how to fix this or how to actually become a fully functioning adult, without pretending.

And now i feel i'm not making sense in this entry.

⬇️ ignore this stupid photo below...i save memes (or meme reactions/templates) on my phone and for some reason i've accidentally attached this. can't seem to delete it 🤷‍♀️

I find it odd as I seem to spend hours doing so, considering I do have someone with me at home.

Had a lot of thoughts but never wrote anything here. Heh

Most would say, "You're just lazy.".

I understand that because I'm aware that some people just don't get what it feels like to psych yourself up to do things but your body or something inside you seem to not function as it should so you just can't regardless of how much you want to.

I used to joke about being a cave(wo)man to whoever I’m talking to, whenever there are things that I don’t know about. I keep sending them this GIF: 

I thought I was just being funny, but today, I realized, it wasn’t a joke. It’s fucking true.

To my defense, the smartphone era had been widely embraced by many for as long as I can remember. This brought me to a point that I stopped using a computer because we all know we could do almost everything through our smartphones. 

A couple of years ago, I suddenly remembered how I used to enjoy creating art on Photoshop, and how many other things I can do and create through a computer. So this whole idea pushed me to buy myself a laptop. I also got myself a drawing tablet. After purchasing them, I did not use them immediately. I had them lying around for months. And when I actually used it, I just played some games. Haha!

Anyway, after exactly 2 years (from the date I purchased my laptop), I just found out it has Cortana. I mean, yea, I’ve heard about it, I thought it was cool but I never really bothered thinking of getting it for myself (because the stupid shit of a brain that I have never thought that it’s pre-installed). So, a few hours ago, I felt the urge to customizing my desktop’s look. Then, I stumbled upon a website blabbering about Cortana, what it does, and highlighting its unique/cool features. Some of them features got me interested and I was like, “Why do I not have Cortana on my laptop? How do I get this?”. 

So my brainless self googled it, and realized I’ve had it all along. And also, I have not been updating my Win10 recently. I still currently have 1803, and learned there’s 1809 now. 

X: I need space. I need to be alone for a while.

-- Turns out, he’s been cheating and is with someone else. Who’s left alone then? Me, ofcourse. 

X: Don’t think that we’re breaking up because I’d be in the same workplace as my ex...because that’s literally NOT it. 

-- His ex eventually texts and calls me, tells me that X is wooing her, so now, she just called to make sure x and me isn’t together anymore. 

X: Haha! Z thinks you’re really pretty. She said she has a crush on you! 

-- X then cheats on me with Z. They are now married.

Y: Insecure bitch.

-- Says the friends of my ex’s girl, who he cheated on me with. Also said by the lady who called me to make sure X and me is no longer together, and several other girls who I don’t really know or even talk to. 

For the record, I never did or said anything against these people. In fact, it’s me who had been cheated on and lied to. I don’t get why they had the audacity to call me names. Most would say karma would get them, but it’s been years and I'm pretty sure I’m the only one who’s suffering. I never forgot these (as much as I wanted to) because my brain wouldn’t let me.

I let them say and do whatever they want. I got hurt but didn’t say anything. It’s because I didn’t want to make a big deal out of something so petty. I'm not the type of person who fights another girl for a guy. If my guy wanted to be with someone else, fine. Because I know there are other guys out there who deserves me. I just never understood why they were so hostile with me when I gave them what they wanted without question. I let them talk because I thought it’s stupid to fight over a guy who cheated on me. Then again, may be, if I fought back (even if I make a fool out of myself), these things might’ve not stuck to my brain for this long.