AnasSweetheart

So after a year of meeting my current bf and getting pregnant and having a whole ass child and becoming my lowest weight just to gain it all back all the while feeling like I'm maybe recovering but still having constant ED thoughts I'm back 😅 I hope y'all have been recovering and getting better. I'm not gonna lie though, I kinda missed it here. When I was starving I felt like I had a purpose. Sure it was destructive and I was literally starving to death but I had something real good going for me. Now I'm back to almost my highest weight and I hate myself more than ever :c so I'm back now.

Hey yall I'm back to talk about my life. I broke my phone and was without it for like 2 weeks. Anyways. I've gained another boyfriend. Cool guy. Does everything I wanted from the other and more. But while everything is literally perfect, I just can't see anything with him. Not a future. Not a week from now. I'm worried that with everything that happened my mind simply won't let me feel for another person. To be a hopeless romantic with a lack in an ability to care or love others :c god a life of woe is ahead of me isn't it :c also I've been exploring my breeding kink, and by that I've just started recklessly letting people cum in me. Thinking it's probs another one of those self harm types of things so that'd fun I guess. Anyways. Thanks for listening

So ya know how I was thinking the retrograde was giving me time to say bye? Well as much as it hurts, it's starting to look a lot like that's what's up. So I just had a really fun emotional breakdown on the bus on my way to work. Fuck man I really didn't wanna say goodbye to this kid. Like I thought my heart hurt to begin with lol but this is way worse 🙃 💔

So I dunno if I told yall about how this guy broke my heart and left and stopped talking to me but like he started talking to L. Not like trying to get with her I think, just cause he's got no one else. Me and him hadn't talked for almost a month before I finally broke and texted him. He apologized for fuckibg everything up and told me he thought I hated him and that he didn't have any right to talk to me cause of what he put me through. Which like truly he didn't cause god damn man you hurt me. But I missed him a lot so I texted him. I hope that this retrograde will tell me he's gonna stick around but I feel like it's just giving me time to tell him goodbye. But I don't wanna tell him bye. As much as it hurts I want him in my life forever. I know it's not right. But he's my person. Well he was. And a small part of me will always think of him as one of the people I can actually trust. But a bigger part of me is so afraid to trust him with my heart again. Like after all the shit we went through, I dunno if it was supposed to drive me away but it did a terrible job. This stupid boy didn't know I'd do literally anything for him. I don't think I'm in love with him like I was. I still love him surely, but I'm not as in love as I was. I can see now that some of the shit that happened was terrible. He did me wrong. Several times. I don't think I can be devoted to that the way I was. And that's a good feeling. I know even better than I ever have before what I'm worth and what I deserve. That lesson fucking hurt to learn. But it was a necessary step in life to take. Sorry for the huge fucking rant if you read this far lol. My therapist discharged me and my executive disfunction refuses to help me set up another one.

Postblocked on fb so I'm venting on Tumblr again lol but I just gagged remembering that when me and L went out to hang with this guy he called me thick and then I fucked him in the back of his car in my driveway after he gave me a ride home. I'm disgusting lol

I feel so incapable of being loved the way I love. Like it's constant heartbreak to know that I will always give more than I receive and that once I'm done being of use to someone they'll just leave. I deserve love. I do. I think.. maybe.. I'm actually not too sure considering how much I give to only be left with this sadness. Like I give and give and give and it's just never enough for them. I just wanna feel loved. Wanted. Appreciated. I'm so tired of my heart hurting so fucking much. 💔

It's not fair that I put my all into everything and its just never enough. For me or for anyone. Why can't I just be enough?

I hate to resort to asking Tumblr people for money but I'm struggling so hard right now and I've got 4 more days of work and no bus passes to get there so if anyone at all can spare anything my cashapp is $jamjamthemanman thank you so much for any help you can give c:

I feel like I need to be on Tumblr for a sec cause I was having really bad sh thoughts. I feel like everyone hates me and I've been crying on and off all day and I was using a box cutter to break down some boxes and I started thinking about cutting myself again. I hate that this job and these people are breaking my mental health.

What's the point of being a dick? You hurt me bro. Why are you being mean? Like all I've done was be nice and loving and caring and ever since you broke up with me you've been such a fucking asshole. Why? How fucking rude.

The absolute worst thing about getting your heart broken is knowing the person who did it doesn't fucking care. I just want him to understand how much he hurt me. I don't want him to feel that pain but fuck man what ever makes you really understand what you did to my heart.