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*This was a love hack*

But I also want to be alone with you in different ways. One day I will get it and be able to do it...hopefully

It's how I made it!

He's my friend I'm going through chemo I had to face my fears

Im sad. It’s hard going through cancer and feeling disconnected from you. I feel like you can’t hear me. Like I’m standing on the other side of some thick ass glass which allows me to see you and you to see me but we can’t hear each other at all. I feel fragile like a glass ball. “You’ve got months of being broken…” I’m already broken. But you’ll probably disagree. Nothing I say right now holds any real meaning for you; Or so it seems. I’m broken and I’m sad. Beyond that, emotions just rise and fall and sometimes swirl. Beyond that it’s all just a mix. Frustration, physical pain, anxiety. But what’s really got me is us. We are not US. I am me here. You are you- there. Unhappy communications; love me, show me you love me; Hold me cause you love me. Kiss me cause you love me. Subliminal messages sent loud and clear. Then you look at me Holding back the tears Fearing the emptiness of my stares. Am I even here? It’s like looking at you in the dark. I’m sad. Days I think maybe I should stop. But I can’t. As messed up as this feels There is a trust that it will all heal and sound will return. Communication won’t be stunted I want that now. You must look at my before and miss it I miss it too. No worries of cancer made it easier But you and I have been broken down for a while I’ve been loving you and losing my smile No joy I need something What you have been giving is good but not it Thus I can only believe that what I’ve been giving you is not as well. For some reason you feel like I’m stuck in a selfish mode. “It’s not just about you” The only thing we agree on.

If you are my soulmate no matter how stupid or irrational or unnecessary my verbal uttering may be- you still care. Maybe then I would talk more

Having been diagnosed with stage 3 colon cAncer and requiring (and now going through) 6 months of chemo I've been the recipient of many compassionate responses. Compassion: sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others. Really nice of people, but from the recipient point of view it can become- redundant and a bit annoying. "So sorry to hear about what you're going through...." - you're sorry to hear about it? I'm sorry I'm going through it! "Just heard about your journey and I admire your bravery..." Bravery?? This is not about being brave! This is me doing what's necessary to live! "So sad to hear of what you and your family are going through." Sad? Sometimes compassion can be way too mixed with pity. Please don't be sad for me. And it goes on and on with remarks and wishes that echo the same thoughts. The truth is, once you get diagnosed with cancer it is like being branded with the scarlet letter. Not only are you systematically changed as a person, the world never sees you the same. I think the hardest thing that I had to do after being diagnosed was fill out new medical papers and putting down my newly diagnosed condition . That's when I really realized my life was never going to be the same. Anyone else feel the same, been through it, want to share?

“Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time.” 1 Peter 5:6 NIV

My mind is slowly pulled into agreement with my body and they then become grounded in my spirit which is grounded in God- and we spend spend hours being one. Showed up about a half hour late for the first appointment because it was intense to feel my mind and body and soul meeting to accept what it was about to receive. all of me, present in me- cause I need to heal. After telling my husband to take it easy, him agreeing, no argument; that's when I felt like I could get out of the car and walk into the building. I really want to do this right. No part of me can be spared on anything extra today. Every molecule is focused on me. I know I'm going to change. It is inevitable. This will kill cells in me that have been there for a while...and then...I will remake them little by little. The first time I'm making myself a priority. And with that I shall cry and laugh and grow.

I will be healthy and strong, but most of all I am forever changed and looking forward to what God wants from me. 12 cycles of being broken down and rebuilt!

So here I am "How long will you be staying with us?" She asks. "Two days" I reply The quiver of uncertainty rolling through me. Me, knowing that it's certain the angels will want to tarry over me longer than that. "Well if they need to have you stay longer then all they need to do is document it and you don't need to worry about that". She says "Thank you". I reply Because I know, from the moment that I began to drive; Ushered by the Angels on the road; guided by God through traffic; Him quietly taking me to the place where I am going to receive my healing. Fear no longer in all my cells paralyzing me. I wasn't shaking or shaken. I'm gonna beat this shit!