jaguarjazz

i think like. we knew them when they were so young. and even as we’ve watched them grow up and reveal more of themselves and make mistakes and prove themselves fallible the way we didn’t see as starry eyed young fans. it’s really hard because there’s a facet of me that has immortalized them in my mind as the 15/17/18 year olds on the stairs on a tv show. really young faces and big dreams you know. and it’s like. now one of them is dead? he lived to be a really troubled man and now he’s dead? but i was just listening to him sing to me about first love

one direction has been my home since i was a child. they've always been my safe place to land. they're part of the foundation of who i am and who i was and who i will be. i don't know what to say other than this: i can never go home again.

seeing so many people who haven’t been here for a while . we’re all family and will always be . what we got to experience is rare and precious . hope time will allow us to look back at it with joy and peace again . hugging all of you tight

it's crazy to think that memories you've had for years will just never look or feel the same again. all those memories from 2012 when i first got into 1D, all the concerts, all the songs and the first time hearing those songs, the first time watching music videos, the posts and memes here on tumblr... like none of it will ever feel the same. it'll always be tinged by loss and a degree of emptiness from here on out.

i have no idea how to process this. it’s not unfathomable and it’s something i’ve thought about many times but i don’t actually know how to process it. what do you mean he was such an integral part of me growing up and he did some fucked up things in part bc of the fucked up environment he grew up in and now he’s DEAD and can’t do anything to try and make amends. what do u mean the boys now means harry louis liam niall zayn. what do you mean he left behind a child less than 10 years old. what the fuck do you mean

i think part of it is just that i didn’t know him. he was in my phone and in my laptop singing in my ears for a decade but i didn’t know him. i never met him. i never spoke to him. how the hell am i supposed to grieve for someone so intangible when he will continue to be in my phone and in my laptop and continue to sing in my ears.