try

after performances end, everyone takes their turns being pulled aside to interview, junhee’s least favorite part so far. he had been quiet so far in his, saying nothing remarkable or air-worthy in some form of a silent(ish?) protest about this aspect to the show. it was survival of the fittest, sure, but judging from the interview portions he had seen aired so far, these were just for pouring salt in wounds. when his turn comes, he’s already pulled his jacket back on, a half-attempt at a barrier against the air conditioning in the building. he sits back in the chair comfortably, careful to keep as neutral of expression as possible. 

what did you think of the results last week?

the usual question, though last week’s results were a little more hard-hitting than the rest. “hmm... he takes a moment to form the sentences, to decide whether to offer himself up as opinionated as he is or to continue keeping his head down, coasting by every week. “hard.” he settles on that one word, though the interviewer encourages him to elaborate. junhee scratches the back of his neck, a half laugh, nerves creeping in because he doesn’t want to ruin his own chances, but doesn’t want to stay silent either, not this week. “well.. no, performances were mediocre.” he stats, knowing that they know exactly who he’s referencing two friends of his paired together, two professionals, humiliated in a way he feared for himself. “jeonghan and jinyoung.. i’m friends with them both, and they’re both very talented- more than others on this show.. they know what they were doing, and i think they did well.”

the interviewer has a coy smile now, seeming to recognize that something in this particular contestant has changed this week. 

normally you don’t speak much in your interviews, why has that changed this week?

he laughs again, flashing teeth in genuine amusement at recognition of the bait being held in front of him. “i prefer coasting along unnoticed in this.” he admits with ease, adjusting his position to lean forward, more into their conversation. “i think i intend to make myself an underdog, everyone loves one of those, right?” he grins.

how do you think you did this week? any of your friends?

“i think minkyung and i did well,” he responds, “we worked very efficiently together and i think that showed in our performance.” when the silence hangs, he knows it’s a cue to keep talking, now that he finally is. “i think i’m biased, obviously, because they’re my friends.” he hesitates in his wording, careful not to make an ass or a martyr of himself. “eunji and sungwoon... they had a technical difficulty,” he leads, “eunji is a very hard-working person, and i admire that about her.. she’s been through a lot.” junhee admits, clearly pained to talk about how her performance went. “we trained together for a long time, and she’s incredibly capable, amazingly talented... i wish that the focus wouldn’t be on them getting cut off so suddenly.. they both did well. and yeji did well with her partner too, i love seeing how much she’s grown after last week.” he smiles fondly, shifting with ease, “we kept in touch over the week, and she was very nervous about singing more, but she did well again, of course. 

and jeonghan? jinyoung?

“i’m glad that they got a second chance. they deserve that.” 

is there anyone you’re certain will be eliminated today?

following last week’s success with yeji, junhee rides on something of a high for himself- the exception being how close the reality of eliminations felt. jeonghan and his partner had been sent home, and truth be told, jun would more readily admit that jeonghan and jinyoung’s stage had been better than his own, simply for how well the two fit together (something that had been clear to him- hence concerned confusion when results were announced). they were both too talented to be eliminated early on, and if it was easy for jun to see, why didn’t the ceos? 

jeonghan acted like it was fine, as expected, but junhee knew from experience that he was anything but- and he had a right to be. he can’t bring himself to ask though, to say much aside from that he thought the elimination was uncalled for, that his stage was better and that, truthfully, if it hadn’t been yeji as his partner last week, he would have volunteered himself for the chopping block instead. 

to mild disappointment, they’re assigned partners again for the next week. as much of a team player as junhee is, there’s a small part of him who wishes it felt a little more solo, rather than piecing together teams and pulling them apart in facsimiles of unity when they all knew only one was making it out of the show actually being dubbed a winner. 

his new partner, minkyung, is sweet- not yeji’s pep and enthusiasm for everything that life holds, but kind and keen on working quickly, as one of the first things she figures out is where to practice, and then the song they’ll do. they’re both vocals, and junhee remembers watching her previous performances (though he honestly doesn’t remember them incredibly well), but they’re styles don’t exactly match, and a part of jun wishes he had had the heart to push against the younger for something that he thought showcased their vocals more than the song that they do settle on. 

it’s got cool vibes and gives them the opportunity to play off of each other’s energies on stage, but in his own opinion, it wasn’t very remarkable, nothing memorable, and he certainly fears elimination more this round than he had before. 

-

they’re situated smack in the middle of everyone performing, and as they prepare for their own turn on stage, jun finds the shelf of his mind reserved specifically for ‘on-stage necessities’, and pulls from it, attempting to stack the week’s stresses and concerns on another shelf in order to put on the best performance that he can. 

The first hurdle was over with- thank god. Junhee had severely overestimated the sheer amount  of exhaustion that sitting could cause, though when combined with anxiety over potential results and trying to determine if he or his friends did well enough more than contributed to his overall tired relief when he finds out that, again, they’ve all made it.

But no season is alike, as he’s quickly learning. Jun hadn’t bothered to watch much of the mgas beforehand, knowing he would get too attached to contestants that would likely be eliminated pretty quickly, disagreeing with the principles in spite of the fact that they were right. 

They’re divided into categories right away now though, and then everything feels more real- more survival than just share your talent. Junhee knows he has an upper hand against some if not for the sheer amount of life experiences he’s been through. But, even if you’re good, you can still be eliminated, he’s not dumb enough to think himself invincible in any way like that, but he does hope that someway, somehow, he’ll continue to slide through until the finish line. (luck don’t fail him now.)

There’s been more times that he’s had vocal runs and warmups this week than he can count- though he dropped out of a production in the hopes of making it onto the show, Junhee still rehearses as if it’s his role every day anyway- partly out of fear of losing any hint of vocal strength he has. 

He watches all the other singers ahead of him, himself conveniently sandwiched somewhere in the middle of the bulk of them. Maybe that helps in a way, the fact that by the time his name is called, there’s really not a lot of expectations for him- easier to impress, maybe. But judges get tired too, and though trained as he may be, Jun definitely isn’t a mind reader when it comes to telling whether or not the ceos are already bored. 

His name is called and there’s a feeling of deja-vu, similarity to the last episode but thankfully Junhee knows what he’s doing now (he thinks), and introduces himself not as an ex-group member, but as Park Junhee, idol hopeful once again. 

The song he eventually settled on is from one of his favorite artists, and if he thinks about it, Jun is pretty sure it’s sitting inside the cd player next to his bedside table, the album ready to be played on repeat until he’s sick of it even still. It suits his vocals incredibly well while still allowing for room to work with, cautious but bold nonetheless. 

receiving a callback to the mgas himself had been surprising enough, but finding out that both jeonghan, eunji, and sihyeon had too was enough to make junhee question. he was definitely thankful, but what were the odds all of them had made it into the show? his suspicions are confirmed when everyone is informed that this is just a callback- he knows as well as jeonghan and even eunji, just because you get a callback, doesn’t mean it’s in the bag. theatre had taught them all that much. 

still he prepares as if it is his, rehearsing as if they were training again, running through exercises that he hadn’t done in almost five years. his voice is still just as in shape as ever, kept in check and ever improving thanks to finding a home in musical theatre itself. singing was easily his best skill, and, well, the charisma that came with it was just natural. there’s an aspect to his skillset that gives him an edge, puts him as one in a group of few (if the rumors of returning contestants were true) that are already comfortable onstage. and as a former idol, it lends itself an even better benefit.

but it still doesn’t calm the nerves inside his chest as he steps up to the center, called upon by so jisub to show his selected talent. “hello,” he bows, “diamond’s ace-” he cuts himself off with a little laugh and bows again, though with a very present red flush thanks to his own embarrassment. “park junhee. i will be singing for you today.” he swallows and offers another charming smile, stepping back to mentally count himself off, shaking off his earlier fumble. 

the song he ended up settling on is one that shows off his comfort with his skills, ability to deliver higher notes than some while still remaining stable. junhee starts off strong with ease, quickly slipping in to the mindset of performing and forgetting his own mistake merely seconds ago. there’s an easy and upbeat beat to follow that makes it easy for junhee to follow, engage the other contestants with his stand mic as he moves with it, grinning.

i’m a sucker for you. and the you is directed, maybe a little intentionally, towards the girl he sits next to, the song kept a secret up until this point purely for this purpose. he catches eunji’s eyes when the beat drops to call for handclaps, mic gripped in one hand as he makes a half turn toward the other contestants on other side. (if there was one thing he liked to think he was good at, it was sharing the energy when he performed.) his voice rings out as a one-man band, but for junhee, it’s easy- carrying the stage as a soloist wasn’t something he specifically trained for, but his group had been the one chosen (instead of eunji’s he thinks sadly) to go on the few music shows that would allow them in, and it’s not strange to him. 

there’s an ease with which he commands the stage, partially improved upon thanks to jeonghan’s own rubbing-off on him, and its’ evident in the way he’s not afraid to sway, to move or to headbang on the chorus when it picks back up again because stillness kills a performance more than anything. (you could sing terribly but still put on a good show, everyone knew that.)

it’s a foot in the door and maybe if it goes well, a continuing dream come true, but breaking the news about being streetcast to his friends at dinner that night had been... better than it could have been. part of him is still disappointed that somehow his best friend wasn’t cast, but knowing wooyoung’s history with trc, it couldn’t have been fully expected either. after a rough few days, jun finally gathers his thoughts and schedules an audition. 

what he’ll do however, is another story. 

he’s rusty in terms of being a triple threat, which is definitely why he came nowhere close to winning that competition, but he is capable- the question is what is he capable in most? after pursuing a career in musical theatre, his singing is arguably what’s stayed conditioned most, but back in moonlight, he was used more as a dancer. after a few hours of debating, he settles on playing to his strengths.

he’s not sure what exactly inspires his song choice, except that he hadn’t heard it in a very long time and it had recently resurfaced in his head, to the point that he was humming what he could remember and trying to google the lyrics to figure out what it was. 

when he enters he bows and greets the casting agent and the other staff respectfully, rattling off his name and what he’ll be displaying and thanking them for the opportunity. he sits, and old habits take over, bolstering his performance of a basic song and showing that he certainly didn’t lack vocal training. it’s just an audition, he reminds himself, but even still he finds himself falling into the performance fully, as if it were something more and he were re-enacting a memory from performances long ago rather than a new, mildly terrifying experience for him. his timbre is steady, having picked a song easily within his range and own skill, and though melisma is something he hasn’t practiced actively in a long time, he owes his thanks to theatre and its demanding nature to further refinement of his vocal capability. 

the lyrics make him think of eunji, who has been there for him without fail ever since they became friends, how her experiences have coloured her outlook on life and how jun has always tried to encourage her to look past it, to overcome it like she continues to do every day. it’s a bit of a love song, and maybe if he ever had the courage (liquid or genuine) to sing the same song in front of her one day, she might understand his heart a little more than she did already. it’s part of what helps him pull this one off though, singing with true feeling instead of pretend- and it makes him realize that he still has to thank her for pushing him to enter the competition; he was only standing in kt entertainment right now because of her, and he needed to let her know how thankful he was for her. 

jun hasn’t actively participated in anything remotely idol-like since his idol days. perhaps it was out of unadmitted fright, or simply for an unwillingness to try again, only to fail in the same ways- to endure the same hurt that he once did twice over. no, park junhee has stuck to theatre and really, theatre only since then. could anyone blame him?

but eunji encourages him, and wooyoung tempts him with the idea, before inadvertently inspiring him too. if wooyoung can do it, even just to remind a company of what they lost, then he can muster up enough courage to pull off one performance. 

he’s not diamond’s ace or jaq’s PJ anymore; today he is just junhee, and junhee is not exactly the go out there and show them what you’ve got all the time kind of guy. it’s natural he struggles in choosing a song- he isn’t exactly a triple threat unless he has to be- all of those skills more than a little rusty. (thank god the challenge is announced early enough for true preparation.) so he works hard, thanking above that there’s not currently any rehearsal he has to take his time- working with jaewon for the choreography, running through everything himself over and over to make sure there’s no trips, no hiccups in it- as if it were the thing his life depended on most right now. 

it’s enough to give him pause though; in his groups he was always a motivator- making sure that everyone was feeling confident enough to perform or picking up slack when it was needed, taking care of members when they were sick. he doesn’t have that anymore, hasn’t had that in a while now, and the whole idol that park junhee once was in only shown in shadows now, occasional glimpses in the right moments and not much else. sure, he knew he was charming, that was obvious by many standards, but idol-worthy.. was he still after so long?

he spends a long time going back and forth on yes and no and whether or not he was really competing, if he really wanted it or if it was just to prove to himself that he somehow still had a shred of something- that all the training, the blood, sweat, and tears weren’t for nothing. 

he knows in his head to channel his stage personas, but the quicker heartbeat and the way that he feels just a tiny bit faint as he prepares himself tells him that it’s real, that he’s going to perform again, and maybe it will come to him just as easily as it used to. 

and he listens to that small voice instead of the louder one screaming that the people in the audience that recognize a former boygroup member would be disappointed in him now- sad to see how he’s not improved and in fact maybe gotten worse. 

and still instead he channels the memories of success, of a third place on charts because that’s as high as any of their titles ever got, but it was good enough. he repeats the mantra in his head even as he’s stepping onto the stage, and his hearing deafens, and it feels like it’s all the way back in 2010, performing for the first time, the first music show, the first chance.