emile ✶

realistically, from how they are built in the books, Neil and Andrew would both survive without the other were a tragedy to happen. things probably wouldn’t be good per se, but these two would find a way to live another day, to go on, whatever that took–revenge, spite, guilt, love.

so Andrew does not live for Neil’s sake. he lives to get to have Neil. he lives to let himself have Neil. and how foreign is that for Andrew? it’s not all about letting himself want, admitting he wants something, someone, a this; it’s about admitting that his life can be something worth it, if it’s with Neil within reach. it can be a little less stormy, and even a little sunny. waking can be tolerable, even something to look forward to, if it means Neil will be there for him to enjoy. going to bed after a long day means he can replay that moment when Neil scored an especially tough point, or when he handed Andrew that stupid bouquet of dandelions, or when Neil petted a stray cat that somehow felt compelled to approach him on campus. he lives, and so he got to have those moments. and if he goes on living, he will have more of those.

because were Andrew to throw in the towel on himself and wash his hands of his existence, he wouldn’t get to see Neil smile at a dog food commercial, to watch him captain the Foxes, to eat his banana muffins, feel his wispy hair, his precious scars, smell his skin, drink his kisses. he wouldn’t get to love him.

"No one asked you"

The King's Men - Chapter Nine

Oh this took a while, but I'm glad people stuck with me for this one because I'm really happy with it!

this boy just shows up and interrupts Neil’s much needed homework time JUST so he could personally let Neil know that Kevin wouldn’t be having their regular night practice, then after checking to see if there was anyone else home (there wasn’t), proceeds to invite himself inside their apartment and into the kitchen, muses aloud about how he was undecided on his opinion of Neil and whether or not he thought Neil was just really stupid (but lucky) or really clever (but untruthful) - spoiler alert: it’s all of the above - while Neil was literally standing RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM, and then checked out the contents of Neil/Matt’s fridge, helped himself to a beer, threw the beer can tab at Neil when he realized Neil wasn’t paying attention to him ( “I come over to bother you and you have the audacity to IGNORE me?? Who do you think you are??” ), then Andrew decides that Making Out >>>>>> Beer, went over and proceeded to make out with Neil and get him off, kicked Neil out of his own kitchen to finish himself up, went back to the fridge and calmly finished his stolen beer, and then was like like aight I’m out and just upped and LEFT–

leaving a poor confused asf Neil staring into space at his desk unable to get any more homework done that night