Outlet

I’m surrounded by happiness.

Wide smiles and joyful laughs. Families and friends living their lives in bliss

Their struggles eased by the support of their loved ones.

Their sorrows tempered by one that cares

And their i stand alone. No caring shoulder no warm embrace no tenderness meant for me

I am surrounded by those that say they care and i know they do. I feel it in my soul.

Yet i am still alone. If this is what i am meant for then take the want away.

Withdraw my desire to be loved. My longing for a partner.

Erase my request for a partner from the stars.

Strike my wish for a match from the ledgers of destiny.

If i am unloveable take the hope away.

Make the lonely nights unnoticed, the solo walks refreshing.

Make the individual road trips refreshing, the solitude a relief.

If i am meant to never know love take the desire away.

Take away the longing, throw the want in a cave.

Should i ask why i am undeserving? should i dare ponder why this is the case?

I am not asking for answers. I merely ask that you take away the pain.

I ask you to make me uncaring. I request you make the agony dissipate.

I beseech that you make it so i dont have to feel.

I am tired. Im tired of being in crowded rooms and feeling utterly alone

Of searching for substitutes for a desire that will never be fulfilled.

I have hobbies galore, tv is a bore, doom scrolling has become a chore.

Weighted blankets are a reminder of what’s missing,

friends are appreciated but not a substitute.

Nature has endless beauty even that fails to temper the longing.

I dont want to feel anymore. I dont want this longing, this desire, this hope that will never be answered.

If i am meant to walk this life alone, to never know real love take away the dream.

Wrench out the wanting for someone to know me wholly and completely.

Destroy the desire to be held.

Incinerate the longing for companionship.

Tear asunder the hope for love.

Eviscerate the pining for a partner.

If I am meant to be alone, make me happy to be alone.

Not content, not resigned, not accepting of the solitude.

I sit in my room and still feel the same.

I went out in public to try and make a change.

I didn’t feel better, just more of the same. The people were gathered, happy and carefree

And there I stood as lonely as could be. The clouds in the sky never dared to part. They hung there heavy, making everything dark.

They mirrored my mood and it felt quite fitting.

That the clouds in the sky mirrored my disposition.

The children ran freely, frolicking with laughter.

I stood there thinking coming out was a disaster.

I don’t want to feel this way, I dislike it so much.

But sometimes it feels like a mood change can’t be a rush.

The betrayal is fresh and there’s nothing I can do.

Except tell myself that for this there’s nothing to.

Sometimes people just aren’t who they seem.

I dont know what to call this situation.

Unrequited love isn’t the right term for it

More like a delusion that ran too long

A hope that grew where there was no fertile soil to plant

I take full responsibility for the emotions that i fostered

there is no one to blame for the signals that didnt exist

I take that last line back

there were something there

I chose to see it as something more than it was

Now I’m confused again

I’m upset at everyone in this situation

I’m mad

Im sad

I feel 30 different feelings all at once and nothing

I dont like this.

It doesn’t really matter if I like or dislike this

The fact of the matter is

I was honest and clear about my feelings

For all the things you did

For all the things you failed to do

For telling me to stop dwelling on the past

For telling me to get over myself

For only working when and how you wanted

For waiting until it benefited you to do things and not US

For telling me you were better than most boyfriends

For telling me I’m a terrible person for leaving

For a thousand other things that are innumerable to list

I had to sit down

And be honest with myself

I’m not mad at you

I’m mad at myself.

The anger is palpable

Something that weighs heavily on my mind

A sour taste in the back of my throat

I’m mad that i stayed for as long as i did

I’m mad that i believed you when you said you’re a good boyfriend

I’m mad I didn’t listen to my intuition

I should have left so many years ago

So many opportunities, so many gut feelings ignored

I should of left when you refused to move with me for a job

I should of left when your solution was to have ME pay rent for 2 places instead of YOU getting a job

I should of left when you sat at home while I rode a bike in the summer to work to earn money

I should have left when you admitted the only reason you wanted an open relationship was so you could sleep with other women

I should have left when you admitted to not wearing a condom with other women on purpose

I should have left when you refused to see how selfish not wearing a condom was

I should have left when you decided to apply for SSI to avoid owing child support

Instead I became complacent

Instead I just dealt with it

I allowed myself to be used

I allowed myself to be yelled at

I allowed myself to be treated like a biological ATM

I don’t even know what to think

You don’t even see what you did wrong

You will never see what you did wrong

I will never have the “closure” that I wanted

You will never admit your fault in things

You hide behind your cloak of false righteousness

I can admit that I am bitter

I can admit that i was wrong

I was cold and distant

I was mean to you when I shouldn’t have been

I was bitter and angry

I was tired and burnt out

I worked 50 hr weeks for 2 years straight while you sat on a phone watching YouTube videos doing ‘research’

I worked 50 hr weeks while you came up with new ways to spend money and make none

I worked 50 hr weeks while you played basketball

I worked 50 hr weeks while you waited for me to get off work to help clean

I worked 50 hr weeks while you went and bought fast food and rarely cooked

I worked 50 hr weeks while I can count on 1 hand the months you worked in that timeframe

I can admit that my judgment is clouded by my emotions

I can admit that I was surprised you to found someone 4 months after I left

I can admit that I wasn’t expecting that after being with you for 11 years

I can admit I was hurt you moved on so quickly

But to be honest it was a relief

It made my decision easier to live with

It proved my point to me

I was no longer useful so you moved on

I made so many excuses for not leaving sooner

Eventually it was far too obvious that you weren’t thinking about what was best for us

All you cared about was what was best for you

I was only there to further your wants and desires

I was only there to fund your ideas and half baked businesses

What I needed or wanted wasn’t really important

As long as it didn’t get in the way of what you wanted

Am I happy? No

Am I happier than I was? Yes

I am happier without you.

I am grieving a relationship that died so long ago I don’t remember hearing its last breath

I am grieving hard lessons that I can’t even put into words.

I am grieving so many things I don’t even know what to list

In the end I’m not really mad

Judging eyes have closed & none can ponder what thoughts frollick within the minds of others.

That statement is far too harsh. Truthfully I do the same.

If not I wouldn’t worry that others are doing it.

Chaos & mayhem.

My thoughts each day are the very definition of those words.

Beautiful smiles, cheerful laughter, happiness enveloping my very being

Sorrowful tears, looks of anger, defiant stares

Panic welling in my chest, bile in the back of my throat, fear gripping my stomach. Throat tightening. Jaw clenched. Words failing to escape.

An endless stream of excited chatter. Happy flames of delight dancing merrily in my eyes. That delightful scream of enjoyment as one lets the joy become palpable with the air.

The dichotomy of existence.

Easier said than done.

I waste my creative skills pretending to be happy in front of others

I don’t think I’ve accepted the fact that I’m not really ok

I haven’t learned to be happy being alone

I don’t think i ever learned to be happy being alone

Tonight I feel conflicted. My emotions are twisted and bent.

A tightly wound well spring of anger, resentment, jealousy and frustration coiled around a core of uncertainty, sarcasm and self effacing humor

To my tunnel vision eyes it appears that everyone around me is happy and content with life

They’ve all found their someone, that special person that puts a twinkle in their eye and a spring in their step. They’ve all figured out what they want in life.

Here I sit yet again in front of a screen, lamenting the circumstances that I have placed myself into. People say misery loves company. I cannot completely agree with the sentiment of this saying. I wish not that others feel as I feel. This profound sense of being alone is neither enjoyable nor would I wish it upon another.

Can you fathom that? In a house full of friends and family or a room crowded with people feeling as if you are completely and utterly alone in life. It leaves a hollow feeling, deep inside your soul that rings out every time you are reminded how truly solitary your existence is.

It’s a feeling that I’ve had for so long I fail to remember when it even started.

Long before leaving my ex this I know for sure.

I don’t believe he ever truly loved me. At least not romantically.

My belief is he loved what I could give him, what I provided to him.

Remarks made over the course of our relationship now remembered after its ending have led me to this conclusion.

It was never about building a life together but rather me fitting into the life he wanted for himself.

He has moved on. Found a new someone to make him happy. A younger, hotter, more physically fit woman no doubt. That is what he said he wanted.

Some friends have had their someone for a while. The carefree playful banter between lovers comes easily to them.

The universe has yet to grant me this happiness.

However it did see fit to mock me ever so cleverly when pairing the person I am infatuated with.

In a stroke of pure cosmic irony she is exactly what my ex said he wanted.

The ether left no box unchecked.

To say my single attempt at dating was a failure would be to put it lightly.

It was nothing short of an absolute disaster.

So here I sit, thinking of all these people. Living their happily ever afters.

Sleeping soundly knowing someone will be there tomorrow to remind them they are loved. To offer them a reassuring kiss. Whisper to them tenderly as they drift off into slumber. To hold them close over the cold winter nights. Stay on the phone with them while they drift off to sleep

I am truly happy for them. To be anything other than this would mean I do not see them as friends. I wish my friends all of the happiness in the world.

I just want the same thing.

I do not feel that I am owed happiness.

I merely want to experience it.

To be the reason someone awakens with a smile on their face.

To have someone care about you enough to come to an agreement on life decisions.

I want to hear someone other than my mom tell me they love me.

To wake up in the arms of someone willing to move mountains to see me smile for the briefest of seconds.

I want to be loved unconditionally.

I want to be the reason someone opens their eyes and smiles

I want to be the reason someone goes to sleep with joy

All of those things and more are what I want

My friends are happy.

My ex is happy.

The man I pine for is happy.

And here I sit. Alone in a room. Reminding myself that permanent solutions to temporary problems are cosmically idiotic.

Giving myself self written pep talks and watching motivational TikTok videos.

I don’t need to be reminded of how the world works.

Life isn’t fair.

It has never been fair.

I am owed nothing.

One should not compare your life to others

Your travels in life are your own journey.

Et cetera et cetera.

I am neither naïve nor am I a child.

I merely find it rather disheartening that everyone else has had success.

Whilst I have learned that wolves don’t always bare their teeth and growl whilst hunting.

Dreary clouds hanging heavy in the sky. Stormy grey with splotches of black.

Thunder crackling in the distance. I know what makes these clouds form.

The answer is not hidden. It glares in my mind ever present.

There are no secrets, no hidden depths that need to be uncovered.

Tomorrow I will put the mask on.

Plaster a smile, pretend there are no troubles, no worries, everything is fine.

The storm inside will broil and churn.

Clouds growing darker and heavy, fetid rain falls ever more frequently upon the cracked and bare ground.

What few desperate plants wilting in the warm acrid moisture.

This rain brings not nourishment.

Mountains tower overhead. Jagged broken smoke grey

snowy peaks nesting in the clouds

Wind whistles softly, rustling grass at the base

Birdsong drifts on the air halting to silence

Dull rumble building slowly into a roar

Waves crash into rocks transforming boulders to sand

Feet plodding through sand first a walk then a jog

Lightning striking, bright flash of light

A single droplet strikes a leaf slowing rolling to the edge

First a patter. Next a pitter

Scattered rain strikes sand

Lone drops become showers

Saturating. Dissolving. Eroding

Transforming

Chaos, order

Creation, destruction

Sides of the coin that is life

This chaotic force inside us

Chaotic force that drives us

Giving taking flowing flooding

Ever ebbing ever changing

Never ending.

I sit here in my room

This room with bear white walls

A tv borrowed from a friend

A bed meant that I did not buy

I sit here in this room and wander

What do I deserve

Do I deserve the misery that I feel

Do I deserve this heartache deep inside me

I sit here and think do I deserve to feel like everyday is a chore

Do I deserve these dark thoughts that creep up on my conscious

These demons that suck away at my joy

These demons that grow fat on my pain

Gorge themselves on my suffering

Do I deserve this?

I caused this

I chose to be here in this room,

This empty lifeless room that reminds me I’m alone

This tv that plays nonsense. I’ve seen these shows before

The background noise makes me feel less alone I tell myself

It’s so absurd I don’t even believe my own lie

One need not tell me the answer

I know the answer to this question

This does not change what I feel

These emotions are still there

The answer is why I get up every day

The answer is why I keep living.

Go out and make friends

The answer is simple. Go out and meet people. Make friends. Be social

If the answer is simple why do I falter

Why do my attempts lead to nothing

If the answer is simple why is it that all I have to show for my attempts are unanswered messages and memories I want to forget

The fruit from that tree is rotten. Filled with worms and maggots.

The field nothing more than brittle grass & dust

In a few hours the demons will leave

They will have had their fill,

Fat and happy they will waddle away into the abyss they crawled out of

I will have a few more moments of peace

Before their hunger becomes insatiable

Then once again I will sit

Sir here in this sad little room and wonder

What do I deserve

I want to enjoy life

To gaze into the vastness that is the world and smile

I want the gentle breeze that caresses my cheek to bring me joy

Yet I fail at it.

These things do not bring me joy

These things do not make me happy

To me the world is cold and cruel

To me it give not comfort but pain

As I lay my eyes upon the world I see grief

I see pain

I see cruelty

I see failure

My eyes do not see the beauty of honey gold sunshine draping the world in nourishment

I see blinding light that brings pain

I feel scorching heat that burns

I want to see the good in people

I want people to be friendships waiting to form

I want my life to go as planned

It’s simple

It’s easy

Make a choice and do it

It’s not so simple it’s not easy

To visit a place you’ve never been

To travel a path not yet paved

It’s not easy to make a new plan

Life isn’t easy

I never said it was easy

Life isn’t comfortable

I never said it was

Let me speak my mind

Let me work this out

I want to know what’s next

I want to know what should I do

Give me a plan a book a sign

What’s next

What should I do?

Where do I go?

My advocate does not do their job

They do not speak when needed.

They say nothing when they should say no

Their tongue get tied

Their voice grows weak and fails to escape

Their throats goes tight when it should work the most

As if they are allergic to words that need to be said

My advocate is terrible at their job

They fail to notice when they should be alert

They buckle under pressure

Give in when they should be stubborn

Abandon ideas that should be given much closer examination

My advocate makes a mess of things all the time

They are too afraid to be effective

My advocate cares

About disappointing others

About making others upset

My advocate cares

About other people’s happiness

I think my advocate needs to find a new job

They are failing at the one they have

My advocate doesn’t care about their client

As if their job is to take care of others

Someone forgot to give them the memo

That is not why they were hired

They say ones best advocate is themselves

I thought wrong

Maybe I should have given things more thought

Maybe I should have spoken up

Maybe I should have been more aware

Maybe maybe maybe.

Maybe my needs don’t matter

Perhaps I should want less from life

From people

From the world

From you I want nothing, yet I still want more than I have received

You owe me nothing, yet still I want for it

My addled brain hungers for an explanation, a reason.

I am broken. I am in pain

These wounds are not your fault but they are there

They fester and seep.

They have gone putrid from neglect, exposure, the elements of time and life

Perhaps I convinced myself that you could be a balm

A soothing tincture that would help these wounds heal

Perhaps perhaps perhaps

This pain is not yours. This pain is mine.

These thoughts are not yours these thoughts are mine

Yet I feel as if they should be known

I feel as if you need a window, a door.

I feel that you should be aware.

I feel our meeting was a mistake. I feel it should have never happen

I play it through my mind daily

Wondering where I went wrong

Wondering what I should have done differently

The memory has become burned into my psyche

An endless loop of mistake after mistake

I made so many mistakes

I thought we could be friends

That’s all I wanted.