AERE PERENNIUS

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“But I’m the Queen of Faerie,” I shout, and for a moment, there is silence. Then everyone around me begins to laugh. I can feel my cheeks heat. Tears of frustration and fury prick my eyes as, a beat too late, Cardan laughs with them.

I… feel a bit icky about the idea of Nesta apologizing to the inner circle.

I think that it would be kind of Nesta to apologize to Feyre for her behaviour during those hungry years in their cabin. It would show a lot of growth in her, and it would surely be a little knife against her pride. However, I do feel like Nesta’s actions speak much louder than any apology she could say to Feyre, because even though Nesta always pushed Feyre away, she was the one that went out in search for her sister when Tamlin took her. Nesta shows Feyre that she loves her, and that she is sorry for the way she treated her youngest sister. An apology would only be a reflection of that - I think what really counts, and what Feyre should damn well keep in mind, is that her sister risked her life to save her.

In my opinion, Nesta has no need to apologize to the inner circle. She owns them nothing. I get it, I do. In her eyes, it’s their fault that she’s lost her humanity. It’s their fault that her father is dead. It’s their fault that she’s… different. Remember how much Nesta hated the Fae even before her sister was taken. Remember how afraid she was of them. She will put Tamlin, Lucien and all of the Night Court in the same bag. She doesn’t give a flying fork who’s better than who - and I get that.

All in all, I won’t mind if Nesta shows Feyre that she’s sorry. Is an apology necessary after she risked her life for Feyre’s? Well, like I said, her actions speak louder than her words, and we know Nesta has trouble with voicing her emotions. If Feyre can’t see how her sister is trying, then I say it’s Feyre’s own damn fault.

I actually despised the way Feyre treated Nesta in the last book. She was judgmental, rash, hateful and even cruel at times. She treated Nesta as if she was an inconvenience - something to be dealt with. I don’t care how many times Feyre defended Nesta in front of Rhysand - to me, that just makes Feyre a hypocrite. But I mean, let’s not talk about Rhys’ and Feyre’s characterization in acofas because both went miserably downhill for me. My point is, Nesta is in pain.

Nesta is in pain.

And no one can look past this wall that Nesta built around herself - not even Cassian. Except for Elain, and at times Cassian, the others’ reactions when it comes to Nesta is look at her as if she’s the problem. Why aren’t they trying?

Fuck, why do they all coddle Elain and leave Nesta out in the cold?

I will say this: when someone is as broken down as Nesta is, they don’t don’t know the difference between a hand that’s extended towards them and a hand that’s ready to snap their neck. For her, everytime Cassian tries to reach out, her mind instantly goes to hell, because instead of thinking he’s trying to help me, the only thing she can think of is, he feels pity and feels obligated to help me. And to someone as proud as Nesta, you can see how that would only add to her pain.

She asked for none of this.

She simply wanted her life back. A life that was taken away from her without her permission. Hell, first, her mother who never spared her a second glance perished right in front of her, second, she lost her house, forced to live in the cold, hungry and helpless, and was looked down by everyone else. Third, she lost her sister, faced dangers to save her, only to be captured and then thrown into a world she never wanted to know? She was violated. 

Of course she is in pain. Of course she’s enraged.

Now add to all that suffering Feyre scowling at her, judging her coping mechanisms when Nesta doesn’t know any better with a hint of her sister’s new perfect little family looking at her like she’s a beast that needs to be leashed.

Add to all of that, being exiled from somewhere she doesn’t even consider home.

And she’s supposed to thank Feyre? To say, “Oh, my, thank you, really, that’s all I ever wanted, to be forced to deal with feelings I don’t understand and be dragged to only fuck-knows-where with a male I have confusing feelings for.”

???????????

Nesta owns no one an apology.

If she wishes to say, “Feyre, I’m sorry I treated you the way I did.” Fine. 

But more than that? I will not accept it.