pirate life sounds quite nice

(driving home from work) i must not kill myself. killing myself is the myself killer. i will— (sees a guy jogging shirtless and he’s all sweaty) Woaw i wish I lived in his armpit (crashes car into telephone pole)

money beyond ypur wildist dreams

one hundred and seventy dollars

kinda wanna get railed but in a "i love you where have you been all my life i’m obsessed with you and you belong to me and only me kinda way" you know just the romantic things

im ngl that scene in the lighthouse when hes trying to jerk off to the idea of a hot mermaid but keeps getting distracted by unsightly visions symbolizing his guilty conscience and descent into insanity is so real like. it really is like that sometimes

it’s so crazy how many mid movies r made every year that u wouldve never learned abt if ur mutual didnt want to fuck an actor that plays in them

instead of identifying with a sexuality label which will inevitably always be a vague generalisation, i will release a continuously updated smash or pass list of every being on earth so you'll never be in doubt

some of you bitches are crazy af and into some nasty shit; Where is your dignity? Your self-respect? Your number? Whats your address? You free tonight?

There is supposed to be a place where no one can reach you. Traditionally, the home, but now we settle for the ocean, the airplane, the summit of a mountain, the middle of a lake, the shower, the womb, the grave

I am a WHORE for “the love is requited, they’re both just idiots”

“They are STUPIDLY competent at EVERYTHING except each other.”

Love this trope myself

Sex is when you push your finger into someones open wound and they make a pathetic little moan in response

I love British mystery shows set in beautiful peaceful quaint idyllic towns full of simple happy folk who are constantly murdering the shit out of each other.