Noot🌱🌿

I’m going through such a weird time in the pandemic right now, and it’s weird. Before anything even happened, quarantine and people dying and everything, I started seeing one of the best therapists I have ever been to and I love her so much!!

But anyway, I told her about my concerns with ADD since one of my previous therapists said that’s what I might have and my new therapist said since I’m trans (ftm) it’s possible my mind is just super dysphoric and wonky from that... but she also said that Autism Spectrum Disorder is really common in a lot of trans people, they don’t know why that’s just kind of what the data shows, and like... fuck....

That would explain everything, that would explain why my whole life has felt like a game I’ve had to learn to win at everyday and if I didn’t I felt like a failure. THIS is why I immediately repeat things when someone says them, this is why I laugh so hard at such innapropriate times, this is why when I would try to read in a school setting the words wouldn’t even process in my brain even though I could probably read it out loud, my brain just wouldn’t know what it meant! THIS IS WHY I USED TO THINK I DIDNT LOVE MY OWN FAMILY. THIS IS WHY IT TOOK ME SO LONG... so long... to come to fucking terms with my own self.. and when it hit me that... god... this. THIS IS THIS ANSWER!!! FUCKING FINALLY! I broke down in tears from the anger of not ever knowing for 18 years, no one knew because the one symptom I was best at was masking and lying and taking someone else’s personality and making it my own because I wanted them to think I was normal and I wanted them to like me and THAT IS AUTISM AND WHY DIDNT I KNOW???

WHAT COULDVE POSSIBLY MADE ME MISS THE DAY IN HEALTH WHERE WE LEARNED ABOUT THIS??? WHY DID I HAVE TO BECOME AN ADULT BEFORE I FOUND THIS OUT?

I just feel like it’s my own fault.. and even now I’m like afraid to tell my family because even when I tried to tell them “oh my therapist thinks I might have ADD” they were like no you don’t haha and didn’t get me tested and now I’m afraid they won’t want to get me tested, like I guess I could do it myself I just don’t know how and I, I can barely even call into a dnd session without a little motivational push from my boyfriend.