iwfh.

Hello. Been a while, I know. Had some fun this year – said goodbye to lots of people then started a new job and said hello to lots more people. (Idk why I didn't do this years ago. But then, there's always a right time.)

I've met almost everyone here, except a handful (of over a hundred). Quite a few I've got to know very well. And even of those I haven't met, I've said hello or something. But there's one I haven't spoken to. And who hasn't spoken to me. And each day we're making eye contact. It feels like the day is getting closer. No idea what I'll say – hopefully play it cool and be normal, not try too hard, etc.

This whole set is awesome. So much thought and care and creativity across the audio and visuals. What a hero.

No days off. Let's fucking go. As much as you're enjoying going heavy af on the social / alcohol the past few weeks, you wouldn't mind having that one person that gets as chaotic as you. Great doing stuff together with a group, but fucking beautiful when it's just the two of you. Spontaneity is everything. None of you know what's coming next – except that you'll both be down for it.

Whether it's making a stupid Spotify playlist about rain (because it's raining) or getting drunk with friends and ending up sat at the train station just the two of you accidentally holding hands while sharing your last beer. Probably chatting shit, but honestly. Sincerely. Like you're in a delicate scene in a short film where it's totally silent and everything you say is the most meaningful thing in the world. So close. So open. No holding back. No days off.

Die Stropers / The Harvesters (2018)

This was a brilliant watch – beautifully presented, it explores some really difficult stuff. I often judge a film on whether I don't want it to end yet – this was no exception. Great stuff.

Before:

This is kinda it. The next hour. It's 12:09pm and I've prepared everything I'd like to say – multiple streams. If we chat, it will either be beautiful and honest and we'll be friends again, or it will be a sad end to a beautiful 1.5 years. If we don't chat, it will just be sad.

High emotions. High hopes. Let's go.

After:

Thank fuck, he's good. Breathe. Awkward and rushed at times, we sort of talked properly. We're cool, he said. It's not all lost. I'd like to talk about it again soon, I'd like to know why things changed and why he was so different over the past 3-4 weeks, but right now I'm relieved that we spoke normally and laughed and smiled. And we said we'll talk normally again. And we texted more after. And just like that I felt my whole mood and spirit rise a bit – like, "now that's sorted, I can think about other/real things again". Probably early steps, but feels MUCH better.

Two brothers who just keep going. Left home over 44 years ago, they saw some incredible things and have made a huge amount of people smile. They've been on their own for so long now, in very different directions. But they keep going. And they still call back home.

When I fall, I fall hard

Pretty face for the feed. That’s all.

Apathy.

Probably the ongoing lockdown and lack of human contact – and the relatively unhealthy, incredibly sedentary holiday season – but I’m really struggling to care right now.

I have plenty of things on the to-do list, some enjoyable and some mundane, but I get excited about / pour days of my time into Minecraft and TikTok. I guess I’m still learning, but I’m hugely weighed down by the feeling of not getting anywhere.

Where I’d usually drag myself out of a hangover to play weekend football, or organise my days of coffee around evening training, I now don’t want to walk around the block to get some fresh air. My skin has got a bit bad and I chipped a tooth and haven’t fixed it.

I’ve stopped posting to social media completely. I love Instagram Stories, but I have no motivation to share any emotion or opinion or transient life update.

I’m even repeating sentence structures in every paragraph. Jeez.

I feel like I need something / am waiting for something.

I want to jump in the sea with a board, paddle out beyond the waves and just sit there watching the world for a while. I want a beer in a pub with friends and uninhibited contact. I want to fix my appearance, find a new job, brush up on a few specialist skills. Actually, there are a load of things I want. Maybe not so apathetic after all. Maybe just struggling slightly. OK, thanks

That very last shot of the final scene where he’s nodding and telling himself “yeah, yeah OK, yeah that’s it” – that’s sort of where I am at the moment (without the back story). It sucks.

Like, it’s a bit liberating, knowing there’s nothing left with a person and that there’s a whole world waiting for you. But it’s a whole world without that person and right now that’s not an attractive offer.

← Glitchcore vs. Matt Healy doing Matt Healy things →

The 1975 – Frail State of Mind

Daniël (2012) 🇳🇱

I'm halfway out of New York, half of me I left behind If we've got something to say then now is the time Just give me a sign

—

I remember listening to the as I was actually leaving New York, after having been there for work (and a few days of play) a few years ago. I met some beautiful people there and had a rollercoaster 10-days in Manhattan.

Nowadays it reminds me of pink city sunsets and warm weather and beautiful friends that could probably be / have been more than friends.

And sadness – like, looking at the evening sky and remembering good times, sort of sadness. The feeling of missed opportunity, even though memories prove how great a moment was. Deep unrequited or unrecognised affection, even though great friendship was shown.

And the waves come in and they're golden But down in the deep the honey is sweeter And the sun sets on the water But down in the deep the current is stronger