I've Got No Strings

and i have to apologise

i’ve seen the error of my ways

straight boys are not ’weak and pathetic’ 

_ Ben sharing a scene with Martha Washington.

_ Abigail & Robert teaming up against Arnold

_ Samuel & Robert Townsend meeting Mary

_ Abe having to chose between Anna & Mary and choosing Mary

_ Ben thanking Abigail for her incredible work

_ Ben meeting Rob Townsend

_ Caleb and Rob teaming up in a super badass commando operation or basically Rob saving Caleb’s ass

_ Billy Lee & Ben saving Washington

_ Hamilton & Lafayette teasing Ben after Washington praised him

_ Caleb & Washington worrying about Ben

_ Selah Strong returning with the Setauket boys to battle together

So. Figuring that the Americans were all shitting their collective knickers about the huge show of force, the Howe brothers were like, “I bet we can take care of this without even fighting. Let’s offer them a chance to just back out of this whole independence thing.” Offering a parley, the Howe brothers sent a letter to George Washington on July 14, 1776.

Three of Washington’s officers met with the messenger but refused to touch the letter until they were told who it was addressed to. The messenger was like, “uh, George Washington, Esq. etc. etc.” Oh the 18th century shade. Esquire was used when no other titles were appropriate and the etc, etc was hella dismissive. Basically it was the equivalent of addressing the letter “George Washington, Whatever the Fuck.”

So Washington’s officers were like, “Sorry, bro, no one here by that name.”

And the messenger, who was pretty sure that George Washington was a real person, was like, “um, okay who should I tell them the letter should be addressed to then?”

The Americans’ answer: “General Washington. Punk.”

And the messenger was like, “oh hey come on, this is just a nice letter between bros, it’s not, like, a military letter,” but the Americans weren’t having any of it. So the messenger had to go back to the Howe brothers and tell them that their peace offering was rejected because they failed to pay the proper respect. The proper respect to a rebel general committing actual treason. The British weren’t having it.

So they tried it again on July 16 and Washington still refused to accept the letter and the British were privately all, “Who the fuck does this guy think he is? That backwater country bumpkin who STARTED AN ENTIRE WORLD WAR by accidentally allowing a French diplomat to get murdered on his watch sure thinks he’s something now, huh?”

But the next day they sent another letter and this time it said, “Your Excellency, General Washington.” Point, Washington.

(hey Chris Jackson, looking good)

And that would have been plenty hilarious, but when the British sent their emissary to go and try to broker a peace with him, George Washington showed up dressed to SLAY in the fly uniform he’d designed for himself. And he rolled up with the whole crew of hand picked hotties he’d selected as his personal guard. Washington, six foot two (or six feet, whatever, I’m sure he was in his boots) in full battle regalia was so impressive that the British emissary was totally overwhelmed and basically was like, “Your excellency, this” “Your excellency, that” but he still tried to give Washington the original letter addressed “George Washington, Esq. etc. etc.” and Washington STILL WOULDN’T TOUCH IT.

The emissary was like, “Okay, okay sorry. Listen we’re just trying to get out of this without killing anybody. And we could definitely kill everybody. I mean, that’s just facts, okay. So if you just say you’re sorry, the Howe brothers can pardon everyone and we all just pretend this never happened.” 

And Washington – and he knew full well at this point that they probably weren’t going to be able really defend New York City at this point – shoots back, “Can’t say sorry if we’re not sorry, can’t be pardoned if we’ve done nothing wrong. Want a snack before you go?”

And both parties went home and wrote letters to their friends basically saying, “WHAT A BUNCH OF DICKS, AMIRITE” about each other.

TURИ: What if George Washington definitely told bad dad jokes

Since my Historical Shitpost powerpoints always seem to make people laugh, Here’s the Beginning of Important Figures of the Revolution. This one will be presented in many, many parts! So here is part one! 

“Tomorrow is May 29th” not “Tomorrow is the 29th of May.” That is why we write it 5/29/15 and not 29/5/15. Because we go by how we phrase it in conversation rather than in sequence because it converts better between numbers and language when written in the former. We also use the month first because that’s how calendars are organized. You have one year and one calendar so the year is a constant and can go in the back. However, calendars aren’t organized my days, but rather by months. You flip to the months first and then find the day. So…. p>