But when you lose someone, you donât lose them all at once, and their dying doesnât stop with their death. You lose them a thousand times in a thousand ways. You say a thousand goodbyes. You hold a thousand funerals.
-Sara Seager, The Smallest Lights in the Universe: A Memoir
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trying to figure out what they put into "merry christmas please don't call" to make it this gut-wrenching of a song. some of the lyrics remind me of my cousin so much, it feels like if i ever read the letter she left it'll contain traces of this song's lyrics and i break down.
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Training
A Secret Date
Safe Sex only
Then and Now
One day
the Unlocked Door
Portrait 1
Portrait 2
Carrots
Hungry boy
A lot of Cookies
The Hands of the Sun
Let Me Go Home
Dancing tree 1
Dancing tree 2
Blow a kiss
Valentine's night
Superhearing texting
No treat, no party
Cozy bath
Aurora
Solar Eclipse
First Fight
Don't Go
Take Care
Hopeless City with a Hope
The Hangman
Happy Clark, Happy Bruce
Small but Mighty
Domestic supes
Happy Thanksgiving
Got You
Sharing is loving
Clark's bday 2025
Clark's bday 2025 (part 2)
Missed you
A good friend, Martinez
Fly Together
Then and Now (Clark version)
This is your home
Bruce, is that you?
Japan trip
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Itâs all fun and games laughing about Haymitch over sharing and Katniss under sharing in comparison until you realize Haymitch is trying to remember all the fine details of everyone he will never see again and Katniss is trying to protect her remaining autonomy by keeping those details private
The difference in their trauma responses being shown from the very start of their narratives guts me
[a tiny Hades and Persephone retelling for @lovely-tothe-bone; part, or season, rather, one of four]
spring
âmotherâ is the first word the prince learns on the day of his birth. before he learns to paint flowers on the canvas of the earth with a touch of his hand, before he meets his immortal siblings, before he even learns his own name, he learns âmother.â
mind mother now, peeta. mother knows best, peeta. you make me sad when you donât listen, peeta. listen, peeta. always stay beside mother, peeta. four steps away is fine. but eight is too many.
but itâs hard. itâs almost impossible. his mother with her flaxen hair in tight, wheat sheaf braids may be persistent as the gradual growth of crops, but his father is the lord of the sky, from the bright peak of the globe that is olympus to the edge of the tempting horizon his mother will never let him chase. the verdancy of springtime isnât meant to be contained to neat seed rows.
he wants to sprawl ungainly over the meadow and never mind the bees that come to sting him. he wants to catch a thunderstorm on his tongue and get lightning stuck in his hair. he wants to be the god of spring. not horticulture.
âIâm grown, mother,â he says, touching up a patch of dandelions. âIâve been grown for going on two centuries.â
âdonât make those, peeta,â she says, dismissively ignoring the plea, wilting his handiwork with a flick of her wrist. âtheyâre weeds.â
but once her back is turned, he gets down in the dirt and makes the dandelions sprout up anew, more yellow and rampant than before.
she makes no secret of this fact to his father, and they fight, they always fight. mother leaves the palace in a fury and he plods behind her wearily.
the sky is pale and bright. the air is sticky and heavy. and young mortals play in the rivers and pools of the forest. they throw their jewelry and garments into the grass and throw their bodies into the water. they come up coughing. the float, naked to the sunlight, and their skin gets burnt and they pay no mind. they are hedonism and limbs and laughter. he envies them.
the pit in his stomach yawns wide in the same instant as a pit in the ground yawns beneath his feet.
icy bright eyes gleam up at him. he stares at the angular face and the bony hand extending invitingly to him and feels a shiver lick his spine. involuntarily he reaches out. hesitates for a second. and in that second the hand takes and pulls.
he shouts once as he plummets down. he sees his mother at the mouth of the abyss. she screams for him and in that moment he almost loves her. but the slender arm around his waist is strong as steel and there is no escaping. black feathers fly in his face. the scent of ash and jasmine is in his nose as the sky becomes a pool. then a puddle. a coin. a star. night.
he tumbles from the chariot with its coal black horses into a garden of pomegranate trees. birds sing haunting songs. a stream flows sparkling and cold around the lawns, and up by the black marble palace. the queen of the dead steps down from her mount and approaches him cautiously. she is small, dark, wears a cloak like a ravenâs wings.
âI apologizeâ she says pleasantly. âI startled you.â
âyou kidnapped me!â he shouts.
âkidnapped you? I did no such thing! your father promised you to me.â
âas what? your gardener?â he gets to his feet and rubs his bare arms. itâs so cold here. how does anything grow?
the queen of the dead smiles at him. eager. innocent. âyou are to be my husband.â at his mouth hanging agape, her smile falters. âdid - did no one tell you?â
he stands with his arms out as the cold, cold winds of the underworld bite through him. he smiles and tilts his head back to savor the savage feeling.
itâs harvest time. the queen has her dark hair threaded with pearly flowers. spider-silk delicate. spun by his hands.
she perches on her toes to gather pomegranates. red geodes that bear tiny rubies within. she brings a handful to her mouth and her lips drip like love. he catches her by the hand and devours the taste amid her sighs and half laughs at his enthusiasm.
she tried to let him go when she learned he wasnât here by his consent. she led him by the hand to the river and the ferryman and paid for his way back.
âyour father lied to me, and I have no right to keep you hereâ she said. but where he would have expected self pity there was none. there was only apology. and longing.
and at the idea of going back to mother â
mind mother, stay by mother, listen to mother, peeta, my peeta, my perfect baby boy
â he stays of his own volition. the queen is startled. and overjoyed.
âI have been too long without the sunâ she tells him.
âbut there is freedom under the moonâ he tells her.
she burdened him with no expectations of loving her, but it came to him as easy as breathing. and if he didnât know that mortal myths about invisible strings of fate were pretty fantasies, he would believe himself bound to her since the beginning of everything.
she is the meadow with soft petals opening to his touch, and she is the taste of a thunderstorm on his tongue, and she is things he never knew he wanted. her eyes are frost, but her heart is all fire, and he wants to burn.
funny. the land of the dead is the first place he feels alive.
[and finally, part, or season rather, four of four]
winter
mother is unhappy. an understatement really.
mother rages and razes and refuses to let things grow. and mother cries and wails and pleads. and mother threatens. mother marches down to the obsidian gates and demands that he come home.
she presses her sallow face to the bars and says sheâll turn the wheat to dust if he doesnât. sheâll shrivel up fruit trees and riverbeds and hungry bellies. sheâll pack the boat of the dead so full that even his precious queen wonât be able to find room for all of them.
he snarls at that, like the lion cubs sheâd never let him romp with. his wife is a kinder provider than his mother will ever be â and sheâd welcome the souls, every one, into her forests of silver willows and winter stars.
âbut she wonât have toâ he says. vines snake around the gates. around his motherâs wrists. she blanches white as the snows sheâs promised to torment the people of earth with.
âyou forget, motherâ he says. âthat I am more powerful than you. and I always have been.â
heâll make next yearâs crop more bountiful than she ever dared. grain for bread growing on arid ground. trees sprouting in streets. his cousin did it with an olive tree. heâll do it with apples and pears. and dandelions. fields of them. those hopeful weeds mother hated. his bride loves them best. of course.
he is bored of this argument. katniss will be waiting up for him. the prince of new life and the queen of the next. it shouldnât work. but nothing has ever felt so right. and real.
thereâs no competition.
âmind mother, peetaâ comes the perpetual whine.
he allows her one quiet, weary smile. allows the restraints to wither and release her. steps back from the gate. back down the diamond dusted paths of the underworld.
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Something that I think is important about Wyatt as a character is how he highlights the stupidity of the district system. I know that the human love of sorting ourselves into categories meant that every YA series for a while had a bunch of different groups with associated traits that tweens could take uquizzes about, but The Hunger Games isn't like Divergent or Harry Potter where young adults get grouped based on their personalities. Sure, the districts all have industries they're known for and the tributes are clearly shaped by wherever they grew up, but being born into District Four doesn't actually mean that you'll like fish. Wyatt is brilliant when it comes to numbers, but in District Twelve he can only channel that into gambling. Imagine if he'd been born into District Three with a father like Beetee, what he could have done with his mathematical talents. There's mention of it with Maysilee too, how she doesn't want to run the candy store but her options are that or the mines.
I guess what I'm saying is that the district system is great for keeping people oppressed because they see their fellows as "other," which is why it is a tool of fascism and not a practical way to run a society. It doesn't matter who is in what group, it matters that they internalize their group identity to the point that they ignore the similarities between them.
The doubling of tribute numbers. The miscarried Abernathy twins. The Donner sisters who Haymitch carries a fascination for as consequence. Louella being replaced by Lou Lou, a name that only mimics the first half of her name, and a girl who matches her in appearance only. The Appalachia legends of mimics. Tam Amberâs set of pins, one dropped down a well, the other discarded. The two versions of the games: the one that Haymitch remembers and the edited, falsified version of them without the real content. The two bags of gumdrops. The fraternal affection he feels for Louella and Lou Lou, the artificial twins, and Maysileeâs offer to be his sisterâthe second one she gives in the book. A bond with a real twin, both pairs healing the sisters he never did know. The split between what is natural and what is manufactured or forged, bonds that that grow on their own, or are forced into existance. And if the distinction makes any difference to the person it impacts.
đż "a badly burned girl with no wings. with no fire. and no sister." đż
I guess this is sort of the digital companion to my primrose piece!
I love learning about other cultures, and I was inspired when I learned that some native people cut their hair during the grieving process. So I imagined Katniss after mockingjay, having lost Prim, and needing a new beginning. I kept the braid around her like a frame to show how this grief was still trapping her. (And of course, if anything is inaccurate or disrespectful, please let me know!)
I also wanted to practice backgrounds, so we have a little forest back there!
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I wake feeling a bright, cold sunrise on my skin and hear the animated scratching of a charcoal pencil against paper. I smile, knowing what this is about.
âI hope youâre taking artistic liberties with that,â I tease without opening my eyes.
I expect a sarcastic, flirtatious comment backâsomething about how my matted hair look is, in fact, âdeeply seductiveââand Iâm startled when he answers in a hollow undertone.
âIâm not drawing you.â
I open my eyes. The sheets pool around his middle and his knees prop up his sketchbook in front of him. He scores the paper in frenzied strokes, agitated spirals, and sharp punctuations. I canât make sense of what heâs drawingâitâs a whirlwind of grayâbut I know itâs something indicative of his mental state.
I sit up and slowly ease my thighs to bracket his, my arms to enfold his torso. I rest my head against his back, where uneven ridges bear proof of innumerable beatings. I nuzzle my nose against a particularly bad one on his shoulder and ask:
âWhat is it?â
He taps his temple with a jabbing finger and I stop his hand before he can hurt himself.
âHeâs talking a lot,â Peeta says with some difficulty. âTelling me ⌠stupid things ⌠but âŚâ He snarls in frustration and scribbles a haphazard circle that whorls off the edge of the page. Â
The mutt in his head who feeds him lies. Thatâs who he means. Not-Peeta.
âWhat is he telling you?â I inquire calmly.
âHeâs ⌠heâs telling me that if ⌠if Gale had come back ⌠came back ⌠youâd have wanted himâŚâ
Iâm not alarmed by this revelation. This is not a new fear. In fact, itâs one of Not-Peetaâs standbys. A year or two ago, the mention of my once best friend wouldâve sent a lancing of pain through me, but now, I only feel the dull ache of guilt. Not for Gale, but at the thought that I can have left Peeta with any doubts.
You havenât, I remind myself firmly. He doesnât doubt you. Not really. Heâs sick. Itâs like a fever. Itâll pass.
All the same though â
I nudge the art supplies away and climb into his lap to face him, steepling my fingers against his jaw to make him look at me. He blinks rapidly, fighting the conflicting narratives in his head: am I a shellshocked, desperate girl who only settled for him because there was no other option or â ?
âPeeta,â I say. âWhen they changed the rules at the end of our first Hunger Games, what did I do?â
He mumbles incoherently and I repeat the question. âWhen they changed the rules, what did I do?â
âYou ⌠with the ⌠the nightlock,â he answers disjointedly.
âThatâs right,â I say. âAnd why would I do that?â
âThey ⌠they donât own us ⌠you wanted to show them.â
âNo,â I say. âThat isnât why we did it, Peeta.â
He drops his head onto my chest, groans. Itâs been a rough few nights for him. The oncoming winter makes his prosthesis act up and the phantom pains can trigger some of his worst nightmares. I make up my mind that, once he can manage, weâre going up into the hills to spend some time in our cabin: cool breezes and hot tea and close-knit bodies. The woods have a healing power over us. I canât put a name to it, but I bet Prim could. The thought of my sister sends a bolstering spark through me and I give my husband a slight shake.
âWhy were you going to eat the berries, Peeta?â I reframe the question. âWas it just to prove a point?â
Hurt flares in his features, but with the hurt, a wash of blue floods his darkened irises. âOf course not,â he whispers.
âThen why?â I press. Weâre getting somewhere.
âBecause,â he growls, âBecause Iâd rather die than live without you.â
âWhy?â I push.
âWhat do you mean why?â Â His fingers grip onto my hips tight enough to bruise and his manic gaze roves my face, searching for explanations. âYou know why!â Theyâre the words of a sixteen year old boy in a cave, a boy I couldnât be honest with for such a long time afterwards, but the only person Iâm truly honest with now.
âWhy?â Iâm almost growling too. âWhy were you?âwhy was I?â why were we going to eat the berries?â
âBecause I love you, Katniss!â he snaps. âI love you more than anything. More than my own life!â
âBecause I love you,â I echo softly, seriously. âOnly ever you. How could you think Iâd want anyone else?â
He stares at me. His pupils contract, dilate, return to normal. He inhales sharply, like a drowning man gasping for the surface, and then a sob of relief heaves his body. He collapses into me and I give an equally relieved half-laugh as I cradle him close, warm and welcome in my arms.
âItâs okay,â I tell him. Iâm struckâas I often amâby the realization that this could never be any other way. I could never imagine Gale here with me. I wouldnât want to. I bend and kiss the blond curls I love so completely. âItâs okay now. You remembered. You remembered whatâs real. You always do.â
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