Lost Soul

“If I die tomorrow, I want you to know you’re the most beautiful creature I’ve ever discovered. If I die tomorrow, I want you to know a day never passed where your name didn’t cross my mind. If I die tomorrow, I want you to know I still had hope that one day you’d come home to me. If I die tomorrow, I want you to know that you deserve so much more than you think you do. If I die tomorrow, I want you to know that I’ll be your guardian angel until the day you die. If I die tomorrow, I need you to know I never stopped loving you and I will never stop loving you.”

“at five years old you know what the word means. it’s dirty, it’s bad, you’re too young to know. other kids use it as a curse word when adults can’t hear them. when you’re nine, two women move in across the street. one of them has a shaved head. you’re sitting at the dinner table when your neighbour’s father uses the word “dyke” with a lowered voice. you’re eleven and a new girl has joined your theatre group. you want to be around her all the time. a year later she leaves and you feel disappointed and sad without really knowing why. at fifteen you’re at a church camp and a girl asks the priest why gay people can’t get married. he says: “we have to draw the line somewhere. some people would like to marry animals.” six months later you’re looking at a friend of yours with butterflies in your stomach, and all of a sudden it just hits you. you have a crush on her. you have a crush on a girl. at sixteen you try to say the word. you say to yourself: “i’m a lesbian.” you feel dirty and cry in the bathroom two hours later. at seventeen you hold hands with a boy. he says to you: “you don’t want to be with girls like that.” he touches your cheek but it feels wrong. when you’re eighteen you fall in love with a girl who has pale blue eyes and the most beautiful laugh. she calls you an angel but a year later she introduces you to her boyfriend at a house party. you want to cry but you can’t. at nineteen you try to say the word again. it still gets stuck in your throat but you do it anyway. you tell your friends and they say they are proud of you. and you cry, not because you feel dirty, but because you feel okay.”

But you don‘t know how it feels to lay in bed in the darkness with a heavy chest because your heart hurts so much while tears stream down your face, thinking about everything that is going wrong in your life and you have no one to talk to and all you pray is that you want the pain to end. You don‘t know how it feels to wish to die.

“I smiled. I smiled a lot. Then one day I stopped. But no one noticed.”

It was midnight and we both were wide awake. I was laughing because of your joke and then you looked me in the eyes and asked me out of nowhere: „do you you get sad sometimes? I mean really really sad, and maybe without any reason?“. I didn‘t know what to say because well, I‘m always sad. „What do you mean?“ I asked. „I don‘t know sometimes I catch you laughing but I can see the sadness in your eyes and when you smile it seems like you are crying inside.“

A loneliness that shatters your heart, that makes you wonder if you will be ever good enough, that makes you think everyone would be fine without you, that makes you question your existence, that makes you wish to end this life.

“Even if you come home late and I’m already asleep, just whisper in my ear one little thought you had today. Because I love the way you look at the world. And I’m so happy I get to be next to you and look at the world through your eyes.”