The One Stop Anxiety Shop

One of An’s favorite words and she loves to use it. Her equivalent of a teenage girl with a limited vocabulary over using the word like. I/You should be… I wish the word should was banished from the English language. While it useful in its second definition, it wreaks havoc in its first. Because should ran through my head for so long, going unquestioned, I try to be aware of it when it come up in thoughts or conversation. It helps keep An in check because I don’t need another voice indicating a certain obligation, duty, or correctness it believes I have.

I hate failing. It's like hating to be sick. Doesn’t it go without saying? The thing is that I hate failing because I am mostly afraid of failing. I am so afraid of failing that I let it keep me from even trying. I need to let go, try and fail. Although terrifying, it is liberating to admit one's humanity and go through the process of becoming our wisest selves. With that said, I own my failure. I am pushing through the urge to quit because I missed a day and the urge to procrastinate because I don't want to confront the discomfort of my failure. Here's to be confrontational and persistent.

I was in an accident this morning. It happened on my way to a doctor’s visit that I had squeezed in before work. It was raining and the interstate was filled with cars on their morning commute. As I slowed down with the traffic and came to a halt, BAM! Rear-ended by a silver impala. The driver pulled over on the shoulder. I followed suit. We both got out and assessed the damage to our vehicles. I had some paint scraped off my back bumper. She was incredibly apologetic. She said she had bad brakes and her insurance was just cut off. We exchanged info. I didn't bother to call the police because the damage was cosmetic and I was going to be late for my appointment. I didn't believe her story about her brakes or her insurance just being just being cut off. My guess is she wasn't paying attention and riding too close. I think she had been uninsured for awhile as well. I do know what it is like to have to make a decision to drive to work or whatever until pay day comes to be legal again. Her life is worse off than mine. I am going to let it go. My car is old and I would probably have had to pay more by the time insurance got through with their adjustments to the claim. I think it is funny when people say they wish they did something differently, like in hindsight. Car accidents are the one thing you do not want to see/be aware of happening in hindsight. I am glad I didn't see that impala rear-end me. The fight/flight/freeze response, the tight, bracing muscles tensing for impact would have caused a lot more damage to me. I know, I have done it. I guess in that way, it is hindsight. I was stressed to the max. My anxiety was only suppressed by the need to survive each day. It was late October 2014. It was a beautiful fall day and I wanted a beautiful scenery. It had been a crazy 6 months. After visiting family, I, my then boyfriend, and our dog were driving back home. I decided against the interstate for the more scenic route, a two lane, divided highway. We were headed east going about 60 mph. I saw it coming, a red car headed south, blowing through the stop sign and then through the median. I had already began braking. I heard myself yell, No ,No, No! I tried to swerve right to avoid impact, but was t-boned on my side and pushed into a ditch, stopping before hitting a telephone pole. We sat there stunned for a minute. I couldn't get my door open. I climbed through the passenger side. Adrenaline surging. I got in the back seat with my dog. He was terrified and had a cut bleeding above his eye. Apparently, the people who hit us were an elderly couple looking for farming equipment. They claimed they didn't see us. I get it - it was a beautiful clear blue sky day. The car was totaled. I had neck and back issues that lasted almost 2 years later. Glad we put out all the stops for insurance being that we tend to be such shit magnets. I knew this accident effected me more than just what it had physically. Even as it was happening, I was yelling No! It was in partial disbelief, but also in that I don't want this, it is too fucking much! I have been in my fair share of accidents, but again, we had had a crazy 6 months and didn't need anything else to make it worse. Worse it got, though. It wasn't until 4 months later would the psychological effects manifest. An took hold of me while driving. Every time I would see a cross street, like in the space of an intersection, I would lockup and barely breathe, almost squinting my eyes to not see me pass through it. I had trouble driving on highways and interstates and even had a few panic attacks before or sometime after a drive. It became a huge trigger for An. It was hard to feel helpless and a prisoner in driving when I used to find it so liberating. I have since slowly recovered from this form of PTSD through a lot of physical and emotional therapy. Accidents are tough and occasionally a wave of panic will come over me while driving. I have more skills to help me through those moments and I am generally able to get to where I need to go.

I have been nauseous for 2 straight days. I can feel all the mucus draining from my nasal cavities, down my throat, and into my belly where it is just sloshing around. I ultimately called off of work because the constant nausea, sneezing, hacking, and headache is really appealing to An. When I am sick or feeling sick, the anxiety and depression comes out. I definitely believe in the mind, body, spirit connection. Trying to get into work today would have been an uphill battle that I just didn't have the strength to fight. I hate feeling anything, but ok. When I don't feel good, which is often, I feel less than, weak, and vulnerable. It leads to some very negative self-talk, feelings, and behaviors. I need to remember what one of my favorite writers once said, "Event your bad needs to breathe."

“I am sorry, but I can’t refill your prescription. It says since the script was written over a year ago, it is no longer valid.“ It is definitely valid to me and I am aware of how old script is because I keep an annual appointment with this particular doctor every February. Because my last refill went into March, I can no longer use that refill even though I actively use it. Luckily, I had just seen him in February and had a paper script from him, but it was at home. I went a head and did my grocery shopping, and left to go home and pick up my script. Round 2: Script in hand, I go to do a drop off outside the pharmacy window. Looking face to face with the pharmacy tech and a piece of glass in between, she asks me through her end of the prison pay phone, if I had my id. I thought it was weird since my script is not a controlled substance, I was dropping it off, I use that pharmacy every month, and had just seen her 2 hours prior. She then asked me if I had ever used their pharmacy before and if I would like it the same day. ” Yes and yes.“ replying on my end. She proceeded to tell me it would be 20-25 minutes. I left for 30 mins and pulled into the pharmacy drive through. Being that it was within 30 minutes of their closing time, I was informed it was closed and I would need to go inside. I really didn’t want to go in. Ab was getting amped up and so was my anger level. I parked next to the outdoor pharmacy window. It was closed, blinds shut and all. This forced me to go in and live in a version of my own personal hell: waiting in i’m at a busy grocery charging pharmacy where there’s too many customers and not enough pharmacy staff. When I finally got up to the front, I was told I would have to wait a little bit longer because they didn’t know who the script was from. I told them the name of the doctor, which is the same doctor I have been using, which they also have a file, which also signed the damn script. keep in mind, among their many questions during drop off asking who the script was from was not one of them. Also, at this point we're sitting at 45 minutes from the drop off time, not the 20-25 I was told. Finally, I get my script pay my co-pay through my HSA get to leave purgatory. Yes, this was a long post and yes, it sounds like a bad yelp review, but for individuals with healthcare issues in those especially mental health issues not having their medication is a huge deal. I always take mine in the morning, I wasn't able to take my medicine until most 5 pm, which messed with me. Not to mention the fear I felt when I was told she couldn't feel it the first time because even if my anxiety were not to flareup I know that if I don't get it in a 24 hour period, I will start going through serious withdrawal symptoms from the medication. Most medications that affect brain chemistry, you can't just go off of. If you do decide that you wanted to lower those or go off the medicine completely, you have to be weaned off so go on cold turkey, that option. After that last experience, I won't be going back. I am going to be transferring my script to a pharmacy that works directly with my employer and will not cost me anything and meds are all they do. It is a nice option that I have never had before, I wish that others had that option too.

After having a 16 oz. cup of black coffee yesterday, I figured what the hell, let's drink some booze. Today will be a cheat day. I drank two ciders from a local meadery. Into the 2nd one, I started having a stomach ache. It hurt, but I didn't care. I wanted to socialize and let off some steam after the work week. I continued with a friend to a different bar to have my favorite gluten free beer. About half way through that beer, my friend knocked over my glass so, we were given another one, in which we shared. I went home after we finished and had a whiskey at home. I was drunk and enjoying it. I experienced anxiety after the cup of coffee and into my first drink. Once I got to the 2nd one, I was sedated and tolerating my stomach pain. Alcohol is lovely and so helpful with anxiety in the moment. Can you imagine going to a party with no booze? It would be worse than a junior high dance. I woke up at 4 am feeling panicky. I was trembling, thirsty, sweating, and my head felt like a balloon. I started feeling nauseous and thought I might puke. I decided to sit in the shower to see if that would help. I didn't fall back asleep till after 6 am. I was laying there in the dark, adrenaline surging through me, feeling sick, and locked in mental battle of self-loathing. I have been feeling depressed and anxious most of the day. Alcohol definitely messes with the mind and body. My tolerance isn't what it used to be which, is a good thing. I think I am still processing the 5 stages of grief with my plethora of diagnoses. I think I am currently in bargaining and denial.

You really know how to get me going. All the beverages you’re in satiate me: coffee, tea, soft drinks, etc. Here is the issue: caffeine consumption gets An going too. I get nervous, jittery, unsteady, brain fog, palpitations, fight or flight, excessive sweating, gut disruption, and feeling itchy all over. I mostly avoid you, but every now and then, I just can’t resist. Maybe it’s the ritual of having a hot cup of rich, dark roasted coffee in the morning or wanting a deliciously sweet, carbonated Coca-Cola to balance out that bowl of salty, buttery popcorn. Like spending time with a suave, manipulative love interest or ex that I know isn’t good for me, I still enjoy our time together in the moment, but inevitably feel weird and depressed afterwards. When will I learn?

Remember when I said our relationship is complicated? Even though I have issues with restaurants, I still enjoy them. When I find a place with great staff and delicious food, it brings me comfort and makes me feel like a regular on Cheers. I even worked in the food service industry for 4 years. Hello, I was your host, waiter, and bartender. I struggled with An on and off through my shifts and dining out. Some days we are fine eating and socializing, other days, I am held hostage, lacking the strength to do what others would never give a second thought.

My relationship with anxiety is complicated. It has been a real Goddamn thorn in my side part for the last 14 years. Only a few of my relationships have lasted as long as me and An. For the next 40 days, I will recount our tumultuous relationship in graphic detail.