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do they have a hookah in their car

That was the last text I received from him. It was July 13th, a Sunday night in 2014. The love of my life had texted me a few hours after we had gotten off work. It was gonna be the night when I would finally confess my feelings and tell this boy I had been pining over for two years; that I loved him.

I was 19 at the time. Shy, inexperienced with men, and full of anxiety. I was never really verbal,. I didn’t really think any guy cared about my feelings, except for Danny. He was shy too, but God, he was funny. He made everybody in the kitchen Crack up on a daily basis. He shared so much knowledge with me over the years. For someone a year younger than me, he was just so fucking wise. He had a boy band smile and was covered in tattoos. His voice made me stop and listen and his stare had me freeze in my tracks. It was the only love at first sight I will probably ever experience in this lifetime.

We hooked up a few times in the few years we had known each other. He was the sweetest, most passionate lover I’ve ever had. I was too chicken shit to really speak to him about my infatuation with him; i thought a couple times about asking if he seriously wanted to date, but backed out after convincing myself I would scare him away. I could barely look him in the eyes sometimes because my mind would just go blank… do you remember having a love like that? Being near him made my cells hum.

He came over on that Sunday after asking me if I was home. We had sex, for hours, smoked cigarettes on the couch, took a shower,(the Marshall Mathers Lp2 was on repeat on my speaker) and watched the 70’s show episode where Eric pukes on Red’s shoes. He left some vodka on my coffee table and said he had to go. I kissed him goodnight, and he told me “A beautiful woman like you should have a beautiful night.”

8 days later, he committed suicide.

I found out at work while I had tables still at the end of the night. He no call no showed two days in a row. I tried not to worry up until then, but I knew something was horribly wrong before I had even clocked in.

My manager found me out back by the dumpster sobbing and had to pick me up off the ground.

I think about it all the time. Sometimes, It all comes rushing back at once.

I never was the same after that. I can only hope now that he is at peace and that he is proud. I see him in my dreams every now and then, and I just know that he knew how I felt the whole time.

Skinny love is a bitch.

RIP D.M.L 1994-2014