If you want it, I can get it.

I might have gone through (and ‘graduated from’) therapy for hypochondria and coping skills for BPD and bipolarity (as bipolar II is now being called apparently) but that doesn’t mean I’m free from anxiety.

I had the sort of melt down that’s typical with those who also share my brain type, resulting from finding out I’m going to have my entire living situation disrupted and uprooted by company for four days. Somehow this was the straw that broke the camels back so to speak and I had three melt downs: two last night and one today.

The one today turned into the anxiety attack that’s full of depersonalisation, dissociation, numbness in my tongue, neck, spine, hands and arms. Brain fog sets in but my thoughts are racing. At this point I try it all: box breathing, dive reflex, opposite to emotion, check the facts, and soon - even after talking to my safe person and hugging my cat I have to resign to take my clonazepam and cry.

I feel defeated. I feel like I didn’t try hard enough. Instead of screaming and hiding under a blanket under my desk I pulled out my journal; washi tape; gel pen. Then I listed everything in my head: my thoughts and fears and symptoms and used the bright flashy colours and distracting patterns because it’s how my brain feels right now during one of these.

Reasons I will report/block:

private level 0 or level 1 profiles

no attempt at letting me know who you are

empty profile

not letting me know here even, who you are

immediately messaging me to trade saves/family share with you

just no

Since I somehow failed to get the Gender Equality: Play for at least 2 hours as a male character AND 2 hours as a female character. achievement the first two times on PC (don't ask me how, I legit TIMED IT and just spent that time doing barn storming for cash), I re-did my Boss/Protagonist as female in Image as Designed and plan to try it again.

This time... in the Saints Crusader tank, doing survival waves. Like a.. well, boss.

Starting some Fallout New Vegas if the wind/snowstorm doesn't kill my power like last night.