In My Head

My dream is to work & travel wherever I go. Enjoy life. Admire the views. People. Culture.

Lately the feeling of the saying "life is too short" is really hitting me. I just don't deserve to be unhappy at work and made to feel like a bad person. I just don't know why all my efforts of trying to get a new job isn't happening.. then again I feel like maybe I'm in the right place - the right place in terms of being able to focus on doing other things. I just have no idea. I just can't wait for the day that I hand in my notice and look forward to something else.

The way my life turned out was exactly the way I didn't want to happen. My life became my fear. They say believe in time but I've been waiting a very fucking long time. How much longer am I meant to suppress my emotions or pretend I care? I can't and it shows. I even consider quitting my job just so I can take a chance and get into something else faster. August can't hurry up any faster! I need to get out.

It really sucks because nothing inspires me anymore, nothing excites me. The thought of travelling from one place to another drains me. I'm just no longer happy with myself. I don't feel pretty of confidant like I last did with my 21 year old self. I can't stop but think 'what if?' And I try to see past it, I do. But nothing is changing. I'm trying to change things but I don't get why things can't change for me for the better. I really have tried so hard to look for a new job, a new start but it's not happening, even when I'm trying to make it happen. I have no more friends so the one thing I want that gives me some sort of hope won't happen. I wonder all the time, like how did this even happen? I hate my job and I've lost all my friends that were once active in my life. I have my girlfriend, which in fact is my bestest friend but I want just a little bit more to feel complete. I want my independence and freedom and fun with friends, where I can tell other secrets and laughs with friends so I can be in touch of my inner self. How the fuck did this even happen? Like what the actual fuck? Why did this happen to me?

I miss the old me.. the me that used to sing out loud, make weird noises and laugh at her own jokes. What happened to her? Those were probably the most positive days I could remember without even noticing at the time. I wish I could be like her again or even better.

Dreams can happen. Be at peace with yourself and it will find you.

If you want to do it, then do it (while your still in your 20,s)

Lost & broken friendships, incapable of bearing my own loneliness. Longing for dreams that doesn't seem to be happening, yet still solidly holding on to hope. Who would of thought that, I'd lose so much this year.