I hate to admit that this past few days, from the day that I decided to reach you out after we broke up a few months ago, it was really tough and hard for me. Iāve never been so stressed and troubled like this in my life. As I explain to you before I made that decision out of my anger and out my frustration so ended up blaming all the fault to you. That's why after our breakup I thought I was okay since I felt that it was necessary but then after that two months I don't know what's gotten into me back then but one thing is for sure I came to my senses that moment and I forgive you whole heartedly, I forgive you for all the things that youāve done to me because I thought it was all your fault without even realizing thatĀ it can be also my fault or us since where on that relationship, I pushed everything to you I blame all the happenings to us was all your fault I was so clouded of my anger. I was so lonely at that time when I made that decision the feeling of emptiness inside me consumed me to the point that all I can see and all can hear is negative thoughts because I feel the you already left me. The sadness and bitterness come all over my senses because I got no one to talk to. Ever since the lockdown started a year a go I depended to you so much, my whole world started to revolve only to you. I never realized that you become my world and when you don't have time to me I have this feeling of loneliness and the sadness come all over me. Those thoughts never comes to my mind until I got the space I need after we broke up. I got a lot of more time to think and refresh my thoughts I got more time to reach out my friends and hang out with them and my perspective and views started become clearer. After that it flashes me back to the time happens on that past few months before we broke up, the realization hits me hard. I was an idiot to think that it was all your fault and I pushed all the blame to you that's why I ended up breaking up our relationship. I thought giving you up would be the best solution for us, I become too selfish and nagger to you I always seek for your attention and if I donāt get the attention that I want I feel so depressed and rejected. Because of my selfishness I made up a decision to break up with you not because I don't love you anymore but instead to preserve the love that I have for you thatās why I decided for us to have a space to breath. But I made a choice of breaking up with you instead. It may sound foolish but I donāt want this selfishness drive you to the point that you have to make a choice between me or your career which is very hard for you and I don't want that to happen either so I made that decisions for both of us to end this, before I started to lose my self and eventually you. Its very hard to accept in those two months that have passed I fool myself that Iām okay even though Iām not, I forced my self to smile even though inside of me is dying and out of the blue I donāt know whatās gotten into me when I message you back then. After all this months without communication then suddenly I reach you out, out of nowhere. Then the feelings started to come all over me. the feeling of longing for you, The love that we had and those feelings that we shared suddenly overflows on my whole being. So that's how decided to win you back because I came to realize that what happen to us back then was not your fault I was so stupid to think that way back then. I reach you out immediately without thinking of what might you feel after all this months without communications then suddenly I will come to your house like it was nothing. But I'm not on the right mind at that time when I rushed to your house all IāmĀ thinking was the hope inside of me that maybe Its not to late to fix things that I broke or to make things right and I still have the chance. But then when I saw you on that day. I was stunned and speechless. For the first time after we broke up I was able to see you again. I was stunned and the guilt suddenly runs all over me. I wanted to hug you and to kiss you and even to hold your hands because I really miss you so much and yet all I did was to stare at you and leave things as it is. We just saw each other I think for onlyĀ 2-3 minutes but it feels like a year for me. I wish at that moment time would stop because I just want to be with you bit longer, but I donāt have that kind of power to stop the time and my time ends. As I started to walked away from your house each step I made I felt my body was too heavy that I cant even step forward and my tears started to fall. I tried to hold it as much as I can it but the earths gravity is too strong to stop this tears from falling so I let those tears run all over my face. I cried to the point that each persons I across with are starting look at me and stare at me and have this confused looked like whatās gotten into me as if it was their first time seeing a man crying, while walking I hated myself so much I never imagine it would ended up like this then I asked myself how cruel I am and how horrible person I am and to do those things to you. I donāt know how I manage to come home that night after I came to your house but I thank God that I was able to find my way home, Later that night I message you immediately hoping to make things up, explaining things and the reason behind of my sudden message of our breakup. I even called you that night not expecting much but you answer my call and my hearts skip a bit because I was overjoyed with happiness. I gather all my strength and courage to talk to you for the last time hoping things might change. But at that moment, the moment I hear your voice from the other line everything went blank, I started to cry like as if it was the last time I will see you again. The emotions that I kept in me for the longest time and the real me that I hide from anybody suddenly burst out. I don't know how long I cried that night to be honest while on the phone and I never imagined that I would cry that hard again because as far I remember the last time I cried that much was when Nanay left us. I cried the moment I heard your voice after a long time because I really miss you that much. Then finally after I came to my senses then I started to talk, We talk things that we didnāt talk back then, about what happen to us how did those things ended up. Asking for forgiveness. and clear things up that we left hanging when we broke up. I really thought that night after we talk I can make things up. Hoping for another chance to fix the things I once broke. Days passed and all my messages was ignored I was so stressed why all my message was seen and yet no response back to any of those. Then later that night I was so frustrated and desperate to hear from your end whatās happen. I thought weāre good after our the last time we talked and I have the chance to make things up to you and start a new chapter for us. But Iām such an IDIOT to think that I can turn things back to the way it is before. I guess thatās all I was Iām hoping for. In your end that last time that we talked was the closure that we needed when we broke up few months ago. And honestly I really thought that night after our call is an opportunity for me to redeem myself again once more and have a new start. Then you suddenly I received a message from you and explain things the reason why your not replying to any of my messages I sent so that I wont let my hopes go high. I don't know what's gotten in to me, I was so desperate that night and ask for another call. I donāt know actually how many times I tried to call just to settle things for me. I even asked you or rather I forced you to said mean things or harsh words so that this heart of mine would crashed and die probably never revived because the pain that covering from that moment is unbearable. I even asked you to tell me that if you don't love me anymore just say it. I forced you to said those words directly on my face so that I wont expect anymore from you and let this heart of mine accept the fact that you don't love me anymore. I did that for myself so that I would not let this heart of mine to have a chance nor a glimpse of hope to think that you still love me.Ā Then finally after so many try you answer my call. The wordĀ ā I don't love anymoreā that comes from your mouth pierced straight to my heart. I was speechless, no words came out from me, I was stunned to hear those words from you, even if its just a call those words are so empty and no emotions at all. I really felt that then at that moment I was frozen but to make things not awkward I diverted our conversations to other things and I even congratulate for what you are doing right now because I know your starting to grow your business. But deep down inside me is like a magma of rage that wants to come out. The anger that wants to burst out. After that call everything I feel so numb. Since that last call I cried everyday. Even while Iām working I always cry I don't even remember if there is a day that I didn't cry after that. I was broken, I cant sleep at night my heart is troubled and my mind is in chaos, then all I can do is to cry, I cant even eat at all for that 2 weeks and even if I managed to eat a little my body refuses to accepts anything so I ended up vomiting all the food I ate. I was a messed I look like a trashed to think that all of this was because of me. I blame myself for everything, I hated myself so much that every time our happy moments together flashed back in my mind, I suddenly feel the rage inside me, blaming myself for all of this. I was so troubled the depression and anxiety I had grow even more and there was a battle inside my head and my heart is aching from the pain. I almost ruined my job each day that have passed. All the deliverables I must send each day are all messed. I canāt think straight and I canāt focus on work. All the projects that I passed that day are like trashed. There is also a point that I feel like I was an Idiot always longing for your attention even if its just a seen from messenger knowing that you read my messages. I feel relieved and satisfied just from that, funny isnāt? I also become stalker too I always check your status, waiting for your story to see what are the happenings in your life just to keep my self updated from the what is new to you and I always wanted to be the first person to know what happens in your life each day. I feel so pathetic but I cant help my self because I still love you and in my heart I still want you. I do still care for you and I really really miss you so much to the point thatĀ ifĀ I lose my sanity at any moment I would ended up in your house to the front of your gate hoping to have just a glimpse of you even just for a second. Days passed and nothing changed. I ended up hurting my self even more each day passes whenever I see your face on my social media accounts It was like I am a paparazzi that each time I saw your face in messenger or in IG I will immediately look for your story or even message you just to disturb you so that you wont forget my existence. I don't know when will this stop to be honestĀ but one thing is for sure I know its not easy to move on but I will move forward, then after along day thinkingĀ I don't know what's gotten into me I suddenly messaged my friends. Those friends I lost connection because I was too busy on my self. Then I started to open up to my closes friends, first I messaged Melody my best friend in church whom I disconnected in my life when I went to bora. I did not cry while telling her all of this all I'm after was to speak out all the things that running through my head and also that situation I had. I also reach Angela a very closed friend of mine too. The friend that always reminds me the things I should do specially about my spiritual life who also I detached to my life. and lastly Jc. The only person that comes first in my mind when I feel troubled andĀ irritated I just simply message him then I will go there place if I wanted peace I just run or simply just a companion to hang out with so that I donāt feel alone. I visited them often even in weekdays not because I don't have much friend which is true actually but because he is the only friend of mine that near to me. So when I feel troubled due to overthinking and blaming myself again I run to there house simply just to have a talk and have a peace of mind knowing that there's a person understand you and willing to hear what's inside of you. Days have passed and those people really help me a lot to overcome this. I am not saying that I am fine because Iām still in process of moving on. I asked Melo and Angela for company and prayers so that I may heal my heart while walking the right path that leads to Jesus. I once a believer and yet I detached my self to those people who really care for me that's why this things happen to me. I can not say I'm already Okay because I'm not but I will take this opportunity to rebuild my self again and draw my self closer to God. I know Iām a sinner and that fact that Iām a sinner is the reason why I should need Jesus in my life and to see what's God planning for my life. For me to move on to the next chapter of my life I should forgive myself first so that I can forgive the people who hurt me in the past. We are all sinners we only Human capable of doing things that may cause harm to other people and leads to hurting are selves more. But If we learn to forgive our selves and follow the path of Jesus We will be living our lives to the fullest.
