isaytoodlepip

So much of my depression revolves around missing people. I’ve had friends who meant the world to me just completely ghost me when I moved away. I lost my best friend, my dad, to cancer in my late twenties. I’ve never gotten over it. I turned a lot of that grief into self hatred. Which is a different type of cancer.

I’ve known I need antidepressants for more than half my life. The problem with getting them has been anxiety, maybe some trauma. I don’t go to the doctor enough. When I finally got a job with health insurance and got a primary are physician, I did try to get help with mental health. Well, I indicated problems with depression and anxiety in my paperwork. But my anxiety kept me from really raising the issue vocally and asking for help. I was prescribed a super low dose of anxiety medication when I had an actual panic attack in the doctor’s office during the pandemic, but they didn’t help and I stopped taking them.

It’s been a rough summer. I’m broke because of some house disasters. It reminded me of the last time I was seriously financially stressed (jobless and on the verge of homeless and having student loan payments due) and how close I came to making plans. I’m not in that head space anymore but I’ve been feeling really low.

So, what’s a person to do if anxiety is such a block that they can’t speak out to get help?

This morning, I signed up for Nurx, a telemedicine app. I don’t know what will happen. The first time filling out the survey, I was notified that they couldn’t help. I tried again using a different email address. I think they have a policy not to prescribe to anyone with suicidal ideation. I don’t have that, really. I did when I was a teen, so 25 years ago, and I think being honest about that set off red flags. I’m hoping they don’t realize that I just changed my answers and used a different email address. Maybe, if I get some medication to take the edge off, I’ll be able to make steps to get into some form of therapy. I really wish there were more options for text-based treatments. I can’t be the only one out there who really needs some mental health care but can’t bring themselves to have face-to-face conversations about it.

Anyway, I felt happy for about 30 minutes after taking action but now I’m just sad and anxious. I feel like the majority of big life choices I’ve made have been mistakes. I regret…pretty much everything. The friends I chose. The schools I picked. The career I went into. The ways I failed my family. The weight I put on. The financial choices I’ve made. I’m not sure Zoloft or whatever will help me with that regret. It’s too big. But if it could make any of that seem less a catastrophe, that’d be nice.

Listen/purchase: Glitchscape by V