Is it a video?

 *retweets The Hollywood Reporter article about Robert Pattinson joining “The King” *

*deletes the tweet*

*retweets an Indiewire article about Robert Pattinson joining “The King” *

*deletes the tweet*

*retweets an older Indiewire article about “The King” with an update on Pattinson joining “The King” - but mostly the article is about Timothée, his awards, the Oscar nom, his upcoming projects, and how he is the lead on this movie*

*POWER SEIZED*

Photo source: Christine Centenera via IG

Abel: “It’s just…I can’t get over it! I know it’s not a big deal but who likes Turgenev more than Dostoevsky? That fucks with my head man! Was he being serious?”

Timmy: “Dude! It’s not that deep! Knowing Armie, he might’ve said it just to stir up controversy among Russian lit nerds.”

Abel: “Of whom I am one! I found it blasphemous!”

Timmy: “Okay, okay. I’ll ask him to explain himself to you during our next facetime sesh.”

Abel: (breathing a deep sigh of relief) “Thank you! That’s all I’ve been wanting this whole time.”

Disclaimer: This is meant to be funny and cute, not hostile or disrespectful in anyway. Cheers!

Scene: A “charming” but posh hotel room in Southampton New York. The Hammers are on their way to the super swank wedding of one of Elizabeth’s friends.

Armie: (slightly manic) “Man, I am SO PSYCHED for this wedding like, I can’t even tell you…”

Elizabeth: (side-eyeing) “That’s great sweetie! I’m so happy you’re actually excited about this. I thought you maybe wouldn’t be too enthusiastic. I know weddings aren’t your favourite thing and you were a little tired from the rehearsals-”

Armie: (cutting her off) Are you kidding?! I get to see Joe again!? It’s been FOREVER since we hung out! He’s such a fun dude!”

Elizabeth: “Yes! I know you guys haven’t had a chance to hang out much with work and all the promos and stuff-”

Armie: “It’s been FOREVER!”

Elizabeth: “Yaay! You and your ol’ pal, reunited!”

Armie:(weirdly defensive) “Old? Why old? He’s not that old! He’s like 41! He’s just as cool and relevant as any contemporary rapper!”

Elizabeth: (bewildered) “Um, no I wasn’t calling HIM old I meant, you’ve been friends for a long time. Like 'old friends.’ Honey are you okay? And what rapper are you talking about!??”

Armie: “Honey, I’m fine. And I didn’t say anything about a rapper. Where would that come from? Please! (chuckles) You need to get your hearing checked babe. Too many screaming kids!”

Elizabeth: “Right, okay. Umm, just promise you won’t hit the bar too hard.”

Armie: “Me? Drink too much? Puh-lease! Liz I can hold my liquor! I’m not some skinny little 22 year-old kid, with skin like porcelain and lips the colour of sweet, ripe cherries…(he falls into a reverie)”

Elizabeth: (sitting down, rolling her eyes) “This is about Timmy and the Weeknd hanging out again isn’t it?”

Armie: (aghast) “Whaaaaaaaaaat?!?! Don’t be ridiculous! He is out there, living his best life! Making out with randos while he’s too drunk to give consent, doing drugs, drinking till his little legs give out on him, losing his beloved cap, making the tabloids, hanging out with geniuses like Bella Hadid. Awesome things! All awesome things! I’m super happy for him! I’m sure the Weeknd is a perfectly adequate friend to him! I’m HAPPY they’re friends! You think I want Tim to be lonely? Like just pining away in his little room in London? Lying awake in bed, crying ‘cos he has no friends?! That would make me a terrible person!!” (suddenly serious and slightly indignant) “Frankly Elizabeth, it offends me that you would think I’d be anything other than thrilled for him.”

Elizabeth: “Right, sorry. How could I have been so wrong.”

Later that evening…

Armie: (slurring his speech and going up to random dudes) “I love you SOOO much! *MWAH*!” (kisses every friendly looking man on the cheek) “Liz, take a picture! No wait, take a VIDEO–even better! Don’t forget to post it on Instagram! Add a cute caption!!”

Armie runs around the dancefloor shouting “Shots! Shots! Shots” and at one point, does a cartwheel. He scurries over to the DJ booth and requests “Love My Way” and recreates his dance from “Call Me By Your Name” step for step.

Armie: “I am having the time of my life!!  Honey, are you taking pictures??”

Elizabeth slides down in her seat, trying to ignore him.

Elizabeth: “You okay babe?”

Armie: (flailing his arms, jumping up and down) “Never better wife! Where’s Joe?! I wanna get an ice cream cone!”

He sees Joe on the dancefloor, grabs him by the arm and they head off to the ice cream truck. As they wait in line…

Armie: Turning to Joe,  he looks him in the eye and cups his face in his hands. Armie frowns. “You don’t have beauty marks!” Keeps searching his face with his eyes. “No freckles either…” Armie lets go of Joe’s face dejectedly.

Joe: (slightly concerned) “No I don’t…sorry buddy. Never have!”

Armie: (mumbling, head hanging down) “That’s okay. I guess not everyone has a cute little freckled nose and a constellation of beauty marks on their faces and necks.”

Joe looks at him with great bewilderment and a sprinkling of concern. They get their ice cream.

Armie: (He is looking for someone, anyone with a smartphone and a kindly disposition) “Excuse me, yes you m’lady. Can you take our picture? And post it on Instagram? And mention I’m having the time of my life with my handsome and dapper friend over here?”

Joe: “Is this about Oil of Olay or whatever his name is? The French kid. What’s his name?”

Armie: (Armie grabs Joe’s lapels)  “Don’t you ever, EVER, make fun of Timmy’s name. You hear me!?? He comes to his senses and straightens Joe’s jacket. “Sorry bro. I’m a bit out of sorts.”

Joe: “No shit!”

Armie: “Oh no, I think I’m going to puke…”

                                                   THE END

He doesn’t seem to care that much about his appearance. He publishes “unflattering” pictures of himself on the regular. He wears the same damn shirts over and over again. He isn’t afraid of looking ridiculous in Christmas- themed pyjamas or his wife’s kaftan. Sure he cleans up nice and puts in effort when the occasion calls for it but you can sense it’s not something he finds that important.

Timmy: (getting out of the water) “Hey dude, so we’re going to go rehearse the Bergamo kiss now right?”

Armie: (smiling, with warmth in his eyes) “Sounds like a plan!”

Timmy: “Great, I’ll just go and get m–LUCA!!!! (Luca pushes Tim back in the water, he falls onto his back and goes under for a bit)

Luca: (with a devious glint in his eye) “Whoopsie daisies!”

Armie: (shocked, confused) “What are you doing!? He can barely swim!” 

Timmy is heard thrashing around in the water yelling “Help” and “What the fuck??!”

Luca: (shrugging his shoulders, unfazed) “Just adding to the playful vibe!” (feigning innocence) “He isn’t going to drown! Is he…?”

Armie wades into the water and helps Timmy up. 

(dialogue continues under second pic)

**********************************************************************

Timmy: “LUCA!! WHAT THE HELL!!? You know I can barely swim!”

Luca: “Oh sorry Teemy, tesoro! I thought it would be fun! You know, like the way you run around groping Armie and seeting on his lap.” (waves his hands) Funsies!”

Timmy: (approaches Luca and whispers  with a certain warning look in his eye) “I know exactly what’s going on here but you can’t stop me. Imma keep climbing that coconut tree!”

Luca squints at him and wags a finger

Armie: (oblivious, picking up a towel and his clothes) “What’s that Timmy?”