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a/n: ur gurl has gotten sick 23456 times this year, and i am recovering from the flu rn! and. . . my butt hurts for some reason. just thought i'd clean my drafts, otherwise they'd be sitting in my gdocs forever. . . to wither away. . . unread. . .
โthe bisexual who is a complete mess, and they absolutely know and show no mercy.โ
MARLENE MCKINNON and SIRIUS BLACK held no mercy for you, like the pride male and his lionessโand you, the unsuspecting rabbit, unaware of the starving predators that creep upon you with each soundless step. And there you were, their little prey, pinned beneath their gazes in a faraway alcove, hidden from prying eyes. It was just you, Marlene, and Sirius.ย
Their scents intertwined and tantalizingโan overwhelming mix of cypress, sea salt, orange blossoms, and saffron. Oh, how were you meant to look? One of them was distracting enough. But both at the same time were fatal in the most cathartic way possible. (And letโs be honest, you were irrevocably drawn to them just as they were to you.) Sirius and Marlene wielded a dangerous kind of power. Beauty for everyone to envyโbut their eyes for you only. This year, Marlene had cut her once-long blonde hair into layers that brushed her shoulders. Each wisp of hair perfectly framing her jawline and cheekbones. But what you loved most was her eyes. Light cerulean that popped against her dark eyeshadow. Ice that melted whenever she stared at you. If Siriusโs eyes were like a storm, Marleneโs was like staring at the skies. And as she peered at you now, her gaze dipping lower, and lower, from your nose to the bow of your lipsโyou watched, throat parched, as Marlene grinned at your shy expression. She looked ravenous.ย
Sirius, on the other hand, let his hair grow longer. Youโd often see Marlene toying with the strands during lunch. (Soon, youโd be tugging at the dark locks as he wrung each sigh and whimper from your lips, Marlene whispering loving words into your ear.) Piercings adorned his ears and near his right brow. Thunder flashed within his eyes and your knees threatened to buckle. You felt the back of his hand brush against your cheekโyou nearly shiver from the intimacy of it all. Heโd forsaken the school robes again today, and so you had full view of the tattoos around his arms. Dark ink that so beautifully contrasted against his pale skin. You even noticed a hint of cursive Latin creeping from the collar of his shirt. (Later, your hands would trace the constellations and writings on his bare flesh, his chest slowly rising and falling, a sheen of sweat on his forehead from the hours prior. Heโd take your hand in his, pressing his lips and unsaid vows to your ring finger.)ย
And while they had you cornered at the moment, you had them completely and irrefutably besotted.ย
โAre we still on for our date later, dove?โ asked Marlene, lashes sweeping over her eyes as she raked her eyes over you.ย
You nodded, unable to trust words at the moment.ย
Lightning strikes, rain poursโand you were caught in the midst of it all. (But there was nowhere youโd rather be.)
โGood,โ muttered Sirius before he captured your lips with his.ย
Oh, how your boyfriend and girlfriend would be your undoing and reckoning all at once.ย
โsoft, completely oblivious, loud and brash.โย
โBEAUTIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE!โ Fabian Prewettโs voice resounded through the Quidditch pitch, accompanied by the confused murmuring of the crowd. โGRYFFINDORโS STAR SEEKERโJAMES POTTERโIS LATE! L-A-T-E! OI, REGGIE BLACK, SURE YOUR LOT HASNโT DABBLED IN A BIT OF FOUL PLAY PRE-MATCH? MINNIE, ITโS A REASONABLE BLOODY QUESTIONโOW!โย
You looked over in time to catch Dorcas Meadowes smacking Fabianโs hand away from the charmed megaphone. The frown on your lips deepens, however. โLate?โ you echoed, worriedly tugging on your red-and-gold tie. โJames is hardly ever late. . . What if something really did happen?โย
LILY EVANS was quick to ease your nerves, taking your hand in hers and softly uttering a warming charm over the both of you. The afternoon sun kissed her freckles as she grinned freely. โDonโt worry, love. Heโs fine,โ she saidโand you had to ignore the butterflies springing about in your stomach. Love. You rushed to tamper down your heart immediately. Love as in friend. Mate. Best mate. Nothing else. Youโd be a fool to think otherwise. Especially with James and Lily announcing their relationship at the start of the year. (As they explained how they got together, a pair of honey-brown and emerald-green kept darting to your direction, which had puzzled you then. You had wondered: Did they think you would disapprove? Worse, did they know your feelings for them?) They were rather happy as a duo without you, thank you very much.ย
โHow do you know that?โ you counter, forcefully tearing your gaze away from Lily as you scour the field for a jersey with Potter written on the back.ย
Lily nudged your shoulder. โBecause heโs shoved Fabian Prewett over to the side and is now currently holding the megaphone.โย
What?
โIS THIS THING ON?โ Instead of Fabianโs voice, you heard a soundโa sound you knew well, just as sunflowers knew the skylight.ย
Your head snapped upwards to where the commentator and professors usually stayed during matches. True to her word, there James was. Looking straight at the two of you.ย
โMister Potter!โ cried Minnie, reaching over to snatch the amplifier from him, but James was quicker. As Seekers are. โWhat on earthโ?โ
โโTHIS WILL ONLY TAKE A SECOND, MINNIE!โ James bellowed into the megaphone, inching further and further away from the Scottish teacher, his hearty laughter bleeding into the springtime air. โI JUST WANTED TO SAY SOMETHING TO THE GORGEOUS ONE NEXT TO MY GORGEOUS GIRLFRIEND!โย
Lily giggledโanother sound embedded deep within your heart, as a soul knew its purpose.ย
Instinctively, you looked to the person on Lilyโs other side.ย
She grimaced in mock-offense and smacked your arm. โHe means you, dummy.โย
โLILY-LOVE IS RIGHT.โ James nodded from where he stood, preening under the attention, his smile widening with each second that passed. โYOU. US. LUNCH. HOGSMEADE. WEEKEND. YES?โย
What. Was. Happening?ย
You glanced at Lily with furrowed brows. โAll this just to have lunch?โ The three of them always had lunch together, you didnโt understand why James went through all the theatrics, and quite literally delaying a game, for something so mundane.ย
Lily sighed before pressing her palms to your cheeks. โI am in love with a boy who doesnโt understand what the word subtlety means, and one who is entirely too subtle for subtle.โย
You felt steam blowing out of your ears, freezing at the two words you thought you would never, ever hear from them. โWhat?โ
โIF I WIN, GO ON A DATE WITH US!โ James roared with glee, his teammates now dragging him back by his arms, voice fading as he went further and further away. โIF I DONโT. . . WELL, LETโS BE REAL, IโLL BE WINNING THIS ONE.โย
And win he did, despite the thirty-something penalties he earned before the actual match. But James found that he did not care this time around. Not when he had the absolute pleasure of marrying you and Lily years later.ย
โthe big, sweet and gentleโwith two gremlins.โ
โLetโs go over the mission one more time, lovely.โย
โWe have been over it nearly a hundred times over, Remus.โ You grumbled, fixing your hair as you landed on the streets of Privet Drive, broom in hand. You dared not risk a glance at REMUS LUPIN, who was as tender as he was roguishly handsome. NYMPHADORA TONKS cackled from where she stood by Kingsley Shackleboltโyou flipped her the bird, and she blew you a kiss in return. โGet the boy, slip past the Muggles, return to Grimmauld unnoticed, eat, and hopefully pass out on a bed with my two sexy lovers.โย
Kingsley cleared his throat.ย
You grinned, Remus sighed.ย
โShall we get Mister Potter then?โ you asked liltingly, smiling innocently as you cocked your head towards the quaint home.ย
Emmeline Vance shook her head with an exasperated grin as she passed by you, throwing Remus a glance that most definitely said, โI do not know how you deal with this everyday.โย
Remus shrugged, replying with a weary look that you hoped meant: โwith love and adoration only.โย
You followed Emmeline up the front steps, Tonks wordlessly positioning herself ahead of you as Kingsley unlocked the door with a low Alohomora. Remus was behind you, hand gently placed on the small of your back. Then, the door clicked and the search for Harry Potter was set in motion.ย
โListen, darling, we mustnโt be caught by Harryโs relatives,โ said Remus, lips pressed close to your earโand really, how were you supposed to focus? โTheyโre Muggles. Well, Lilyโs sister knew of magic but from what Harryโs told me, they do not take kindly to anything or anyone from the wizarding world.โ
โThen the Missus Potter will just hafta forgive me from up in Heaven,โ Tonks began, scowling, one foot inside the Dursley residence. โIโll give her sister one more reason to dislike magic after Iโm done with her. Woman to woman.โย
You raised a brow. โThat sounds oddly sexual.โย
โIโll show youโโย
Kingsley cleared his throat. Again. Not before side-eyeing Remus with a hint of sympathy.ย
Remusโs shoulders sagged, but you clocked the hint of a smile coming to life. โTonks, dear, maybeโโย
โHARRY POTTER! OUT YOU GET, LADDY!โ You bellowed into the barren entryway, knocking on the cupboard door under the stairs.ย
Tonks chortled before cupping her hands over her mouth. โYOUโVE GOT ONE SECOND BEFORE I START TRASHING THE AREA, BOYโTHE DECOR IS HIDEOUS!โย
You kicked down the door of the room under the stairs, grimacing in disgust. โWay ahead of you, Tonks.โ
โLetโs see if they let a child stay here again after this,โ you muttered before ripping the door off its hinges. โTwats. The whole lot of them.โย
A boy with wide, doe-eyes and unkempt brown hair came rushing down the stairs, wand at the ready, bewildered by all the ruckusโand visitors in his aunt and uncleโs home. His eyes landed on the most familiar face. You watched as the doubt in his eyes melted into relief.ย โPrโProfes. . . Professor Lupin? What are you doing here?โย
Remus smiled wearily. โHere to rescue you, Harry boy. We heard about the Dementor attack.โ
โAnd so has a certain part of the Ministry,โ Kingsley supplied.
Remus nodded. โCome on, then. Get your things.โย
You had never seen a boy run off so fast.ย
Tonks stared up at Remus. โYouโd make a good father one day.โย
The werewolf choked.ย
(Tonks was right, by the way. Heโd cry at the birth of your son, Teddy Lupin, and he would do so again when he held his daughter in his arms. Remus would not bat an eyelash when Teddyโs mouth morphed into a duckโs beak, or when his hair dyed itself to match your colours. And in the years to come after the war, you, Remus, and Tonks would be there to see your children off at the station. An owl with two letters in its clutchesโdelivering news of their Hogwarts sorting and a note of a happy ending.)
โwe are both jerks and we hate each other, but we love and protect. . . her. (who is far too good for them.)'
BARTY CROUCH JR. and EVAN ROSIER knew the basic laws of magic. It could not bring the dead back to life, create love, or be used to seek immortality. And yet, no one had prepared them at all for just how much the Dark craved the essence of Light.ย
โWretched little thing,โ Barty cursed as he crumpled a page from his drawing book. Your face, filled in with charcoal shades and lead strokes, stared back at him hauntingly. Why? What was it that drew him to youโa pitiful Muggle-born with no family prestige to her name? You must have cast the Imperius on him. There was no other reasonable explanation, otherwise. Forced him with an Unforgivable so that his eyes would be drawn to you in the sea of pestilent lions.
Evan was more. . . volatile with his affections. If it could even be called that. To him, at least, you were an obsession. Heโd never lay a hand on you, everโhis aggressions only for Barty to take in the quiet of the night, a discordant waltz between two who vied for power and control, a melody of hushed threats whilst leaving bruises on each otherโs lips and deep marks on skinโbut, oh, how Evan yearned to corrupt your soul.ย
A month ago, he had shoved a Ravenclaw into the fieldstone walls, snarling, โLook at her again and Iโll ensure the world forgets you once existed.โ Evan drew pleasure from the gangly boyโs quivering lip and unsteady gaze. Just as he and Barty were yours, you were theirs.ย
Their most prized possession.ย
Evanโs pretty plaything.ย
Bartyโs muse.ย
Theirs.ย
You were a Gryffindor prefect, patrolling the halls like the dutiful lioness that you were, always caring for the wide-eyed cubsโEvan hated it most when your attention was ripped from them by a lost yearling with tears in their eyes, but he would not curse the little brat for it, not while you were around, anywayโand assisting the professors with that damned smile on your face. Barty ached to see what other expressions you could make. Perhaps, you were pretty when you cried, too. (And they made you cry often. Hands devilishly wedged beneath your skirt, Evan drinking each gasp and murmur from your lips while Barty left his presence on your neck, hands tightly coiled around your red-and-gold tie.)ย
They truly did adore you. No one would touch or hurt you, not while they still lived. Theyโd tear them from limb to limb if anyone even dared glance at you the wrong way. And if it was the world that threatened to crumble down on you, Barty and Evan would burn everything to the ground.
For you.ย
Their wildfire.ย
Yet, it was your face that Barty had seen last before he was sent to Azkaban. You who brought him to his knees before his father. You, the traitor who crushed his heart in your palms. Barty would curse, yell, and beg for your name behind the bars, until the memories of you turned him into a madman beyond repair.ย
You had been standing beside Alastor Moody when he killed Evan. He thrashed and spat vulgarities at the sight of Aurorsโbut never at you, his precious darling. He knew you loved him. Them. You had turned away at the last second just as Moody raised his wand. Evan only laughed maniacally in the face of death, your name wilting on his tongue in his last moments.ย
In the end, it was you who brought them deliverance.ย
Light and dark were never meant to converge, so the three of you learned the hard way.ย
โthe mum, the clumsy babie. . . and the asshole.โ
โOh, my heart, what happened?โ NARCISSA BLACK rushed to your side, her otherwise icy features now melted with worry as she sat close to you, hands gently pressed to your face as she searched for any other injury. โWho is to blame for this?โย
โThere is no one to blame, Cissa,โ you replied immediately, knowing your girlfriendโs tendency to fuss. She hummed, unconvinced, before greeting you with a soft kiss. The ice queenโs lips were soft and dizzying. โI just wasnโt looking where I was going, thatโs all. Letโs not turn this into a pressing matter because it really isnโt a big deal. If anything, I am the one to blame.โย ย
Narcissa glanced at the open wound on your knee. โThere is blood, sweetling.โ She grimaces at the dark shade of crimson against your skin as though it had personally offended her. Narcissa tapped her wand on the graze, a healing charm emitting from her lips. And only when your skin returned unmarked did she let go of her frown. Her gaze sharply cut to the offender. โWe will take care of this.โย
โI really donโtโโย
โDo you understand who I am?โ LUCIUS MALFOY said as he towered over the poor Hufflepuff. Where Narcissa was snow and ice, Lucius was hurricane and hail. He curled his lip in distaste, hand tightly gripping the boyโs shoulder. โWho my father is? Allow me to explain the situation to you. Youโve just harmed someone under the protection of the Malfoy name. Someone whom I care about dearly, and there are only two in this blasted castle. It is just unfortunate that you happened upon one of them.โ His eyes, frigid with ire, swept over the boy. โSo what shall it be? Azkaban or your entire lineage wiped from the registries? For I can assure you that either is of no hassle to me.โย
โLucius!โ you hissed, getting to your feet but ultimately held down by Narcissaโs firm grip on your hand. โYou are being entirely dramatic! And unreasonable! Emphasis on the unreasonable!โย
โSheโs right, Lucy darling,โ said Narcissa, far too calm, as though she was in her tea room, unbothered.ย
โThank you, Cissa.โ You glared at Lucius.ย
โWhy erase them from the registry when we can easily have them blacklisted everywhere?โ Narcissa continued, straightening her back and gracefully tossing her pin-straight blonde hair over her shoulder. โMake sure no one from their family can find work in the wizarding world, join any organization within society, and be turned away from every store and boutique in Diagon Alley.โ She flashed the two boys a smileโas though Narcissa hadnโt cast a snowstorm over the hallway with just her words. โThat is how you make sure someone disappears.โย
You swore that Lucius would have dropped to his knees then and there, adoration falling freely from his tongue. (The Slytherins oh-so loved their power, after allโand theyโd take power where they could get it.)ย
โHave you gone mad, Cissa? Both of you! Honestly!โ you nearly shriekโunaware, had you been anyone else, youโd be thrown into inferi-tested waters by now.ย
Narcissa arched her brow. โRather courageous thing to say to a Black.โย
Well, considering Bella. . . You thought. โI didnโt mean it like that and you know it,โ you said.ย
โYou must forgive me, dearest,โ soothed Lucius, as though he was talking to a kitten wearing a lace-ribbon collar. โI only want to look out for our beloved.โย
Heat rushed to your cheeks but you would not let them have their way. โIf you go through with that, then I will not talk to you for the rest of the year,โ you bargained with a pinched exhale, standing firm on your ground, fists clenched at your sides.ย
Lucius released his grip on the boy at once, sparing him one last glance. โYou are lucky that you happened upon one of the most merciful creatures on this earth.โ
โHad it been me, I would have had you Obliviated on the spot,โ said Narcissa, sharp grey eyes pinning down the poor, unfortunate soul. โBut that is neither here nor there.โย
And that was that.ย
The next day, the student body made sure to steer clear of your way, lest they wanted to evoke the protective wrath of two of the most influential pupils at school.ย
โthe morally questionable one and the pure beans who ignore this.โ
โYOU DID, WHAT?โย
The students crammed in the hallway stop and stare as you grabbed Anatole Mulciber by the shoulders before shoving him up against the wall.ย
โTell me,โ you demanded through gritted teeth, fisting the collar of his robes before knocking him into the cobblestone once more. (That was the thing about prissy aristocrats. They thought themselves above drawing bloodโfor all their obsession with it.) โTell me what you did to my girlfriend.โย
Before he could even part his lips, you continued, โYou know what? It doesnโt matter.โ And so you drove your fist to his cheek.ย
Again.ย
And again.ย
When the rage simmered downโhowever long that wasโyou blinked and saw that you were standing over Mulciber, staring down at his bleeding nose and bruised cheek. Lucius Malfoy and his lackeys were fast approaching and so you drove the point home by spitting on the ground, disgust evidenced by your sneer.ย
MARY MACDONALD, eyelids dusted with bright yellow glitter, freckles sitting atop her dark skin, whispered in horror to the third person in your triad, โShould. . . Should we stop this?โย
She was utterly honoured that youโd go to such lengths to defend her. . . But this would be your fifth detention this month if McGonagall caught you, and not even the Prewett twins lost this much points in a time. Mary loved you dearlyโbut you had a temper. (Never with them though, she noticed. You held them with such gentleness and fondness in your eyes. Almost as though you were a wholly different person. But, somehow, still the exact same. Love was truly worn with rose-tinted glasses. But if so, Mary did not want to take it off at all.)ย
PETER PETTIGREW shrugged his shoulders, flabbergasted, rooted in his spot, nothing else he could do other than watch you curse Mulciberโs name and expel obscenities at him. Merlin, you terrified him more than his Boggart. Sometimes. He just wished he would never have to be on the receiving end of your threats. โI donโt know. . . I donโt think so?โย
โGo near Mary againโgo near any of them again and Iโll kill you where you stand, Mulciber,โ you rasped, arms now being held back by Dorcas and Marlene. โIโll gut you bloody, I swear it!โย
Mary paled.ย
Peter looked as though he was going to faintโJames patted him on the back.ย
(โArenโt you going to dock points for this barbarity?โ asked the Parkinson girl in contempt.ย
Lily, Head-Girl, raised a brow. โThe way I see it, this was an act of self-defense. Youโll find that being a bigot has its repercussions, Miss Parkinson, and that is the ugly truth.โ She said this more to Severus, who was standing off to the sideโbut that was a tale for another day.)
โMatter of fact,โ you proclaimed heatedly, ripping yourself from the two girlsโ hold. Magic or not, this was nothing compared to a fistfight in a back alley. โIf any of youโI donโt give a ratโs arse who your mother or your grandmother or who your bloody grandmotherโs cousin-in-law wasโif I hear that youโve used Dark Magic against another student, I will make you wish for death. And Iโll do that without magic.โย ย
Mary exhaled. A tinge of exasperation mixed with wonderment. She grabbed Peter by the handโwho subsequently turned red. โWe should just close our eyes and wait until itโs out of their system.โ
โYeah. . . Yes. . . Sure. . .โ Peter spluttered before following behind Mary.ย
They loved you, reallyโbut, Gods, were you more gruesome than a Dementor sometimes. (What was a Dementorโs kiss to a loverโs scorned fist?)ย
โAnd while weโre at itโone oโ you keeps stealing from my feckinโ chocolate stash!โ They heard you shouting down the corridor.ย
โYup.โ Mary nodded solemnly. โThat would do it.โ Youโd be in a mood for the next hour now.ย
(Somewhere across the castle, Sirius felt all blood drain from his body.)ย
haymitch knows it the moment the peacekeeper opens the door and gestures him inside like heโs delivering a package instead of a boy who bled for their entertainment.
itโs too big, too clean, too untouched. the air smells like polish and new wood and something sweet he canโt place. capitol perfume lingering in the walls. nothing creaks when he steps inside. nothing groans. the floors donโt complain beneath his boots like the ones back home did.
this place doesnโt know him, he doesnโt know the place, like two strangers stuck together by force rather than choice.
the door closes behind him with a sound that feels permanent.
for a moment, he just stands there. still wearing the suit they made him put on. still sticky with the echo of applause that followed him onto the train, the hands that touched him without asking, the voices that called his name like it meant something good.
victor.
the word tastes bitter.
he thinks of the arena, sun beating down on blood soaked ground, the way the cannon fire echoed even after he stopped counting. he thinks of the look in her eyes when-
he stops himself.
he canโt do this.
haymitch shrugs out of the jacket and lets it hit the floor . it lands in a heap, expensive and ruined. he doesnโt bother hanging it up. doesnโt bother looking around anymore.
thatโs when he sees you.
youโre sitting on the couch like you donโt belong here either, knees drawn up, hands knotted in the fabric of your dress. not capitol made. not polished, no bedazzled sequins, feathers, bold colors. it was something simple, something like home. your hair hangs loose around your shoulders like you didnโt know what else to do with it.
you look small in the massive room, quiet and still with nothing to do but wait.
for a beat, neither of you move.
then your eyes meet his.
they widen, not in surprise, but in relief so sharp it hurts to see. like youโve been holding your breath for weeks and only just remembered how to breathe again.
โhaymitch..โ you whisper.
thatโs all it takes.
he doesnโt remember crossing the room. he doesnโt remember dropping to his knees. one second heโs standing there, hollow and numb, and the next heโs in front of you, clutching at your dress like heโs drowning and youโre the only thing keeping him above water.
his body folds in on itself.
the sob tears out of him like itโs been waiting to be released for far too long.
โi didnโt..โ his voice cracks, useless. โi didnโt know if..โ
youโre already holding him. โshhโ you soothe his broken sobs.
your arms wrap around his shoulders, fingers digging into his hair, pressing his head against your chest like youโve done it a hundred times before. like itโs muscle memory. like you remember the boy he was before they turned him into what he is now.
he cries like itโs killing him.
ugly, wrecked sobs that shake his entire body. the kind he swallowed in the capitol, the kind he swallowed on the train, the kind he swallowed when they crowned him with a smile and called it mercy.
โi tried,โ he gasps. โi really tried so hard, i swear i did. i kept thinking that if i..if i could just-โ
โi know,โ you murmur, voice breaking. โi know.โ
his hands twist in your clothes. he presses his face harder into you, like heโs afraid if he lets go youโll disappear too.
โtheyโre dead,โ he says, raw. โtheyโre all dead and iโm here- and they keep telling me i won like that means something.โ
you sniffle, cradling his face like he was made out of the most precious of gems. โhaymitch..โ you try to plea.
โyou didnโt win,โ you whisper fiercely. โyou survived. you had to do what you had to do. itโs not same.โ
you donโt leave his side. you never did.
not when the escort knocks and you tell them to go away. not when the house settles into an eerie nighttime silence that feels louder than the crowd ever was. not when he finally lets you guide him upstairs because his legs donโt seem to work right anymore.
the bedroom is just as wrong as the rest of the house. huge bed, silk sheets, and curtains thick enough to block out the world.
haymitch sits on the edge of the mattress like heโs afraid itโll bite him.
you kneel in front of him, hands careful as you unbutton him out of the capitol suit. your fingers linger, not lingering for the sake of desire, but familiarity. care.
youโve touched him like this before, close enough that the memory aches.
he flinches when you peel the shirt off his shoulders.
โsorry,โ you mutter, studying his face. โi didnโt mean to..โ
haymitch shakes his head, โno, no it..itโs fine.โ
you see the scars before he can stop you.
fresh. angry. some still bandaged. some already starting to fade into something permanent. your breath catches, and he watches your face carefully, like heโs bracing for revulsion.
Instead, your hands shake. your touch ghosting over his skin. watching goosebumps rise.
โoh, haymitchโฆโ your voice breaks.
he looks away. โthey kept saying itโd healโ he mutters.
you press your forehead to his knee โdโyou remember that summer?โ you asked. โi used to watch you fall asleep on the porchโ
he swallows.
โyouโd pretend you werenโt tired. that you didnโt work so hard with hattie.โ you continue. โjust to see me before nightfall.โ
โand youโd just lay there. the birds singing..โ
his jaw tightens.
โthat feels like someone else,โ he says. โlike a kid i watched die.โ
you donโt argue, you look up at him with those eyes. god, he missed those eyes. almost a month away and he didnโt know if heโd ever see you again.
you help him lie down instead.
โrest, haymitch.โ you press a kiss to his temple. โyโmust be exhausted.โ
the nightmares donโt wait long. they never do.
you wake to the sound of him choking on air, body jerking violently against the sheets. his hands claw at the mattress, fingers flexing like heโs gripping a weapon that isnโt there.
he doesnโt hear you, his eyes are open but empty, staring at something only he can see. his breathing comes in sharp, broken gasps like his lungs forgot how to work properly.
you move like youโre on autopilot. gathering him into your arms, cradling his head against your chest, one hand firm between his shoulder blades, the other threading through his curls. you rock him slowly, grounding, steady.
โitโs over,โ you murmur. โyouโre here. youโre with me. iโve got you.โ
his body fights you for a moment. panic, memory, and instinct before it finally gives.
he collapses into you with a sound that is pitiful. โi didnโt mean to,โ he whispers. โi didnโt mean to let them die.โ
โi know..โ your throat tightens. rocking him. trying to soothe him to the best of your ability.
his hands fist your clothes, trying to pull you impossibly close. he trembles, breath slowly evening out as he clings to the sound of your heartbeat. long enough for his body to finally understand that the danger has passed. long enough for exhaustion to drag him back under. not into sleep, but something close enough.
when his eyes flutter open again, they're wet and glassy, unfocused.
"i thought i lost youโ he reaches up, running a few fingers through your hair. as if heโs trying to ground himself.
he searches your face, vulnerability bare and unguarded.
you shake your head, โnah. nothinโll take me from youโ
a pause.
he stares into your eyes. his own burning with salty tears, trying to find his purpose.
"they'll ruin me," he says quietly. "snow.โ
โthe capitol. They won't stop.. itโll just be a constant..โ
"i know" you donโt let him finish. โbut you don't have to face it alone."
โdonโt worry about that now, just focus on sleeping..kay?โ
haymitch stares at you some more, his hand coming to caress the side of your face. the pad of his thumb outlining your features. you were there, you were real.
he says nothing, just studies you before nodding. โyouโll stay?โ he asks. he needed the reassurance. a piece of his soul telling him this could all be a capitol illusion.
you smile sadly, pushing some curls from his eyes. โiโm staying, hayโ you say softly. โpromise.โ
and for the first time since the reaping, haymitch abernathy lets himself close his eyes. not because he's exhausted, not because he's numb, but because someone is holding the pieces he can't carry alone.
promise.
he lays against the silk sheets, his hand still holding out for yours.
โpromiseโ he repeated it himself before finally finding the peace of sleep.
Haymitch Abernathy x f!reader || series masterlist
Summary: Being back in District Twelve isn't at all the silver lining you'd imagined it to be ... 4.8k
The morning after the festivities thrown for your return to District Twelve, you stay in bed for as long as possible.ย
Not because youโre tired - though you feel such an all-encompassing numbness that the whole night spent tossing and turning doesnโt seem to have settled deep down in your bones just yet - but because you canโt stand the thought of actually getting up and facing the day.ย
Because getting up would mean having to go down the grand marble staircase of the new grand and cold house your family now lives in, and having to face your family at the grand mahogany table in the kitchen for breakfast.
You can picture it all on your head: your brothers, Will and Felix, bickering over who gets the larger slice of bread, and your dad watching them with a knowing, tired smile on his face. Heโd be the first one to notice you approaching, looking up at you and asking you how youโve slept and whether you want tea from some herbs growing in the meadow behind the house or some fresh milk from the goat for breakfast. Youโd answer tea, as you always do, grinning, as youโd ruffle through Willโs hair, ignoring his cries of protest.ย
But all that is a thing of the past now, isnโt it?
Your family wonโt need to rely on the goat producing milk anymore and you wonโt have to harvest the wild, overgrown meadow behind your ramshackle house for some mint or chamomile leaves to make tea. Your dad wonโt look worn down with exhaustion from his shift down at the mines from yesterday, and he wonโt be in a hurry to leave for work, ruffling through Willโs and Felixโ hair before leaving. Because due to your new status as a victor of the Hunger Games, youโre rich now. Or at least richer than everyone else in District Twelve, excluding Haymitch.ย
Youโre rich now, and your family wonโt have to worry about money anymore, but somehow the thought doesnโt fill you with as much happiness as it probably should. Instead, the only thing you feel is this numbness, this bone-deep, aching exhaustion.ย
Youโre a victor now.ย
And even though itโs only been a bit over a month since youโve left District Twelve for the Hunger Games, you can already feel the person you used to be back then starting to slip away from you. Who you were back then, that kind and caring, innocent person is slipping through your fingers one sleepless night, one nightmare about all the other dead tributes at a time.ย
Youโre not who you were when you left, but still you feel an immense, desperate urge to shield your family from that darkness inside you. You donโt want your Dad to see the tired sadness in your eyes, you donโt want your little brothers to hear you wake up screaming in the middle of the night-
Suddenly, thereโs a knock at your door. Itโs short and impatient, so you immediately rule out your dad. When the door opens, before you even get the chance to answer, you hastily sit up, trying to appear as though you didnโt just spent the better part of the last several hours in bed, wearily watching the sun rise on the horizon.
โSee, I told Dad that youโre already up!โ, Will says, not even bothering with a good morning. But thatโs your loud, frantic little brother for you.ย
You cross your arms in front of your chest. Somehow, with Will standing there in the doorway looking at you with an irritated sense of exasperation that feels all too familiar, the grin stealing its way onto your lips feels natural, and not at all forced.
โI couldโve still been sleeping!โ, you say, shaking your head. โAnd good morning to you too, Will.โย
Will just roles his eyes. โYes, but itโs well after ten in the morning - if I were someone else, Iโd have yanked away your sheets first.โ
You roll your eyes at the way he emphasized the โsomeone elseโ. Willโs always been a heavy sleeper, so whenever he didnโt wake up in time for school - which happened much more often than heโd care to admit -, it was up to you to see to it that he and Felix would still leave the house on time. Over the years, youโd tried a lot of different methods of getting Will to wake up, aggressively opening the old, threadbare curtains to let the bright sunlight in and turning the volume of your familyโs old, crackly radio up to its highest capacity among them. But over time youโd worked out that while everything else might fail, yanking away his bed sheets would have him sit up in bed like nothing else.ย
You can feel a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips, but then your warm and comforting childhood memories are overshadowed by something else.ย
Will said that itโs already well after ten in the morning - you canโt remember ever sleeping that long. Or rather, staying in bed that long. Somehow, being faced with the time of day, actually getting up out of bed feels even more impossible now.ย
โ - hey, you alright?โ, Will asks you. Though heโs sat down at the edge of your bed, he sounds as if heโs far away from you.ย
He says your name again, clear concern for you now etched onto his features.ย
You blink, forcing a smile onto your face. โSure, Iโm just - itโs been a lot with the festivities and all โฆโ, you say, your voice trailing off, as your mind inevitably takes you back to last night. Seeing Will dance together with Ellerie Foster. The look of hurt and confusion on Ellerieโs face when you just left her standing there like that with no explanation. And Haymitch, his taunting words and the mocking tone in which he delivered them a stark contrast to the profoundly sad expression in his bright grey eyes.ย
Will nods, refocusing your attention back on the current moment. โI - I canโt even begin to imagine how you must be feeling โฆ what youโve gone through โฆโ, he says, his voice uncharacteristically serious, void of the bravado he typically displays so well. โI mean, seeing it - watching you and Kai, s-seeing it all โฆโ
โWillโ, you say, your voice breaking and suddenly it takes everything in you not to break down into tears right then and there. But this is Will, your sweet, fourteen year-old little brother. And while you might not be able to shield him from everything bad in this world - these last few weeks have very much proven that -, this isnโt his burden to bear. Itโs bad enough knowing that he and Felix and your dad watched your moments in the Games on television. But you donโt want either of your little brothers finding you plagued by nightmares in the middle of the night. Thatโs not their burden, not their pain to bear.ย
โW-what Iโm t-trying to say, I guess - is - if you ever need to talk to to someone โฆโ, Will offers, his eyes finding yours. โI mean - I know Iโm only your stupid little brotherโ, he adds, in a very exaggerated imitation of your voice, causing you to smile faintly. โBut I just - I want you to know that weโre all here for you. Youโre not alone.โ
Tears threaten to blur your vision and you feel your throat closing up. Fearing that any attempt at speaking right now would only end up in miserable croaks, you just lean forward and hug Will tightly to you.ย
For once, he doesnโt protest the display of sisterly affection, hugging you back just as tightly.ย
Your heart aches. When did Will, your annoyingly over-confident little brother become so wise? When did he grow up so much?ย
โThank youโ, you say, forcing the words out. โI love you all so much.โ
That, at least is the truth. But as you hug Will to yourself, you make a promise to yourself: Will might be right in saying that youโre not alone, but you absolutely do not want to to drag him and Felix into everything thatโs happened to you in the Games and in the Capitol.ย
These memories are not their burden to bear, not their pain to deal with.ย
Time passes.ย
The oppressive, sweltering heat of August gives way to a September thatโs just as unbearably hot and dry, though up in your grand new mansion in the Victorโs Village itโs decidedly more bearable than it was all the other years down in the Seam.ย
You still visit the Seam regularly, though.ย
A few days after your return to District Twelve, you set off to the little crooked house Kaiโs family lives in. The smell of bean and ham hock soup still seems to permeate the air - or at least it feels that way to you, almost making you turn around and head back home right then and there.ย
But you persist. If nothing else, you owe this to Kai - youโve always watched out for each other, and this is no different than that.ย
At first, Kaiโs mother seems just as happy as ever to see you, but soon enough, the conversation feels unbearably heavy and uncomfortable, especially once Ellerie gets home from school.ย
For a moment, you and Ellerie just stand there, staring at each other.ย
โI- Iโm really sorryโ, you say, your voice sounding strained and on the verge of breaking, โI - I know that it could never truly make up for anything, but I wanted to you to know that I want to share my winnings with you. I - Kai and I we - we talked about it, before the Games, agreeing that should either of us survive the Games, weโd share the money with the otherโs family-โ
โThatโs a wonderful ideaโ, Kaiโs mother interrupts you gently, โyou two were always looking out for each other.โย
You want to say something, anything, but you find yourself unable to speak.ย
But then Ellerie says your name, her dark grey eyes, so very much like Kaiโs, finding yours. โThank you.โย
Thatโs all she says, but the heavy weight and the quiet sincerity behind her words tell you much more than all the words in the world ever could.ย
You nod, holding her gaze. โAnything.โย
After that, itโs almost harder visiting the Seam, especially for Kaiโs funeral at the beginning of September. Even the weather has shifted from District Twelveโs typical insufferable summer heat to the first inklings of an autumn breeze.ย
The funeral is a much bigger affair than youโd expected - it feels like almost everyone from the Seam is here. Which of course only makes sense, with the way Kai seemed to know almost everyone. Truly, youโd never realized just how lucky you were that he always chose to spend most of his time with you.
Your familyโs there as well, Felix crying quietly into your fatherโs side and Will squeezing your hand almost knowingly, before you walk forward to where Ellerie and Kaiโs mother are standing. Theyโd asked you beforehand whether youโd wanted to say something at the funeral and youโd agreed, somewhat hesitantly. Not because you donโt want to honor Kaiโs memory, but because itโs hard enough trying to deal with your grief on your own.ย
Itโs one thing to wake up with Kaiโs name echoing through your mind, your eyes burning with unshed tears after yet another nightmare in the middle of the night - alone and in your bedroom. Itโs another thing entirely to be standing in front of his small grave, looking at all the people surrounding you.ย
So many people came.ย
So many lives that Kaiโs soul touched, somehow.ย
And for a moment, you can almost feel him standing next to you, grinning at your thoughts. Come on, heโd say, amusement in his bright grey eyes, donโt exaggerate.ย
You steel your shoulders, the vision of Kai standing next to you, squeezing your hand encouragingly, giving you the strength to go on.ย
โKai was my best friendโ, you start to say, your voice carrying out over the small meadow. โBut he was so much more than that. He was Irisโ son and Ellerieโs annoying, overly protective older brother.โ At that, you hear Ellerie chuckling faintly.ย
โHis life was cut far too short by the Games, yet he touched a lot of other lives. Back in the Arena, he didnโt only try to protect me, his District partner. It was his idea to protect Flora and Dalton, Finn and Sarah, and Cassie and Lucas, too. He knew that, in the end, only one of us could win the Games, and yet he still wanted to protect them all.โย
You pause, needing a moment to collect your thoughts, to collect yourself. To fight off brutal memories from your time in the Arena. No matter how much time passes, it never seems to get any easier shaking off all your darkest, most disturbing memories.ย
When you look back up, your eyes meet an all too-familiar pair of bright grey ones.ย
Haymitch.ย
It canโt be, you think, almost expecting Haymitch to not stand there, far off to the side in between two massive oak trees, when you blink. But heโs still standing there, still staring at you, with an indecipherable, dark and heavy expression in his gaze, his arms crossed in front of his chest, his hands for once void of a liquor bottle.ย
He holds your gaze, one of his eyebrows cocked as if to say go on.ย
You breathe in deeply, squaring your shoulders, feeling out for that vision of Kai standing next to you again. Because even though youโre wondering what on earth Haymitch is doing here and what heโs been up to during the weeks youโve been back in District Twelve - even though youโre practically neighbors now, you havenโt seen him once since the evening of your return, which is probably for the best -, this moment doesnโt belong to Haymitch.ย
Itโs Kaiโs, through and through.ย
ย โBut that was Kai for youโ, you say, picking your speech up again. โAlways looking out for others. Always caring. Always offering a helping hand โฆโย
After you finish, thereโs a moment of silence. It stretches on, yet not uncomfortably so, until Iris steps forward, squeezing your hand.ย
โThank you.โย
You nod. โOf course.โย
You attempt a smile, but Iris seems to see right through you, because she hugs you to her chest, right as your tears start to fall. And for a moment, you allow yourself to be held and comforted by Iris.ย
But then you square your shoulders again, stepping back. Still, youโre grateful when Ellerie reaches for your hand.ย
When you look around the meadow again, the spot between the two massive oak tress is empty once again.ย
During the next few months, thatโs all you ever see of Haymitch: small glimpses, all of them over so quickly that they all make you question whether or not you didnโt just imagine them in the first place.
He mostly seems to keep to himself, secluded in his grand mansion just down the end of the road of the Victorโs Village. More often than youโd like, you catch yourself thinking about him and about how heโs doing. He must be incredibly lonely, cooped up in that big house all by himself, for days on end. How does he deal with it, with the loneliness and the memories and the nightmares?ย
Does he still wake up screaming every night as well?ย
Is he still being plagued by nightmares of his time in the Arena?ย
Or is that where all that white liquor you keep seeing getting delivered to his house gets into place? Is that his way of trying to cope with everything - just trying to drown all his sorrows in alcohol?ย
Some days - those are usually your better days, the ones you spend surrounded by your friends and family, keeping your mind as preoccupied and focused on good, happier thoughts as much as possible - you just feel incredibly sad for Haymitch, your heart breaking for the lonely man living just a few houses down the road.ย
How does he survive it, always isolating himself like that?, you catch yourself thinking on an evening in early October.ย
Itโs a Saturday evening and after being talked down by Will and Felix for the better part of the last hour, your dad has agreed to let Iris and Ellerie stay the night at your place. Youโre in the middle of a game of cards with your loved ones, surrounded by warmth and laughter, yet you canโt help but look out the window at the dark and empty street outside. A faint autumn breeze swirls a few colored leaves in the air, but thatโs the only movement you can see outside.ย
Everything else, including Haymitchโs house down the road seems empty and deserted.ย
Lifeless.ย
On other days though, you start to think that Haymitch might be onto something, always having a bottle of mind-numbing liquor at the ready.ย
Those are your bad days, the ones where you already start the day in a dark, empty place, your mind full of images of Kaiโs lifeless body, of Flora torn apart by mutts.ย
Those are days where you can hardly talk yourself into getting out of bed, where you feel as if youโll never escape the Arena, as if youโll always exist in this prison of your own mind, your friends and family always impossibly out of reach.ย
Those days, you mostly keep to yourself.ย
Some days, you end up wandering aimlessly through District Twelve, first haunting the empty streets of the Victorโs Village, then the town square and finally moving on to your old neighborhood in the Seam.ย
Other days, you spend all day-long sitting perched on your windowsill, watching summer storms crackling through the air, autumn leaves swirling in the distance, the first fall of snow settling on the pavement outside.ย
Sitting there, perched on your windowsill, a cup of tea long gone cold clutched in your hand, you think that maybe thatโs the way itโll always be, that youโll be always be condemned to be nothing more than an outsider, always observing, never belonging.ย
Some days, you can be surrounded by laughter and your brothersโ arguing echoing through the air, and still feel incredibly lonely and separate from everyone else. Those are the days where you strangely feel closer than ever to Haymitch, even though you havenโt spoken to each other in months.
How relieving it must be, you think, leaning your head against the cold windowpane, to be able to turn your mind off completely.ย
Before he knows it, nearly four months have passed, and itโs almost time to pack up his things once again and board the train to start her Victory tour.ย
The letter - written and sent to him by none other than one insufferable Effie Trinket herself - containing their schedules for the tour, is lying in the exact same spot he dropped it, after opening it two weeks ago.ย
Usually, he only receives a letter from Effie Trinket once a year - every year during the middle of June, without a doubt, there will be a letter in Effie Trinketโs elegant scrawl waiting for him, stamped from the Capitol, informing him of his never-changing schedule for the Reaping.ย
This year had been no different, and after opening the letter, his eyes skimming over the note on beige parchment - this year, decorated with some delicate flowers - Effie had attached to his schedule, heโd dropped the letter right on top of the stack on his writing desk.ย
Over the years, heโs kept all the letters containing his schedules and the personal notes from Effie. Heโs not quite sure why, though.ย
The first year after his own Hunger Games, he was this close to just feeding the sheets of paper to the fire heโd got started in his fireplace just for that purpose, but something made him stop. He took a step back, crumpling the letter in his hand and dropping the crumpled pieces of paper on his writing desk, before reaching for his half empty bottle of white liquor instead.ย
To this day, heโs still not quite sure why he kept that letter, and every single one after that.ย
Itโs not like Effie Trinket is a close confidant of his. Truly, heโd not even consider her a friend. Though maybe that doesnโt say much, because nowadays, thereโs no one heโd consider a friend, except for-ย
No.ย
He shakes his head, taking another swig of his bottle, trying to force his thoughts back to the problem at hand.ย
Easier said than done.
Even as he tries to focus his thoughts on Effieโs one-sided correspondence, her face still keeps coming up in his mind.ย
The way sheโd looked at Kai Fosterโs funeral, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears. He remembers thinking that, for a moment, sheโd seemed so frail, and lost. Almost as if a simple blast of air might knock her off her feet altogether. But then sheโd squared her shoulders, stepping forward. Chin held high, her face so sad and heartbroken, yet in her eyes there was an angry, almost defiant spark. It was that exact same spark heโd seen in her that first day on the train, the same spark that initially drew him to-
Haymitch hastily gets up then, almost knocking over his bottle of liquor in the process.ย
Air, he thinks, grabbing his bottle and throwing a woolen coat over his pajamas, he just needs some fresh air, and then heโll be able to get his head on straight again. Or, well, as straight as can be in his particular case.ย
He stumbles out of the door of his house, some Capitol news show still on the television, the fireplace crackling.ย
The cold, chilly November night air hits him immediately and he breathes in greedy lungfuls of fresh air.ย
Thatโs better, he thinks, allowing himself one big swig of liquor from his bottle. Much better.ย
He just needs to make it through that dreadful Victory tour, and then he can go on doing his best ignoring her day in and day out. Ignoring her, even though theyโre practically neighbors now, and some nights, he sits huddled on the front porch of his house, listening to the laughter coming from her house.ย
His grip on the bottle tightens, as he blindly and aimlessly stumbles through the dark, deserted street.ย
Forget. Ignore.ย
Forget.ย
Donโt even think about it.ย
Forget, he thinks, taking another sip from his bottle, the white liquor burning his tongue.ย
Forget and ignore, then move on.ย
Itโs what heโs always forced himself to do since returning an unlucky victor to Twelve, itโs what heโs always had to force himself to do. Because it was either that or cause his loved ones even more pain than just the pain that comes from him ignoring them or hurling liquor bottles at their girlfriendโs face.ย
Haymitch cringes at the memory of that moment, at the shocked and pained expression in Asteridโs bright blue eyes, and at the rage, mixed with dispair displayed on Burdockโs face. And though thatโs usually just one of the too many memories he tries not to dwell on, stuffing them right back down into the deepest, darkest pits of his twisted mind, right now he holds on to the pain of that moment.ย
He has to. Has to remind himself that thatโs the reason he doesnโt let people get close anymore, why heโs continuously shutting them out, even though Effie Trinket keeps sending him her stupid letters, and every few months, thereโs a new basket of freshly dried herbs sitting on his doorstep, courtesy of none other than Asterid Everdeen. His best friendโs wife - well, former best friend would probably be a much more accurate description - and he didnโt even attend their wedding. Didnโt get to witness Burdock excitedly telling him about how heโs going to be a father. Instead, he found out through whispers on the Hob.ย
Because thatโs his life now, that has been his life ever since becoming a victor, and that has to continue to be his life forevermore. Heโs never going to be more than an unlucky, bitter and cynical outsider, looking in.ย
He canโt be.ย
He canโt.ย
Because no matter how desperate and lonely he might start to feel, in the end it wonโt be worth it. No amount of warm, happy hours could ever be worth it, knowing that in the end, her blood will be on his hands, too.ย
And so, he has to continue to stay away from her, to ignore her and-
A body colliding with his, the force of it all knocking the liquor bottle from his hand, which flies to the ground, shattering into a dozen pieces, breaks the train of his thoughts.ย
Haymitch doesnโt need to look up to know that itโs her, because of course it is.ย
He can talk all he wants about needing to stay away from her in order to protect her, in the end heโs still the same unlucky bastard he was eleven years ago that fate keeps trying to knock down. Lenore Dove wouldnโt like that line of thinking, he suddenly finds himself thinking, wouldnโt like how heโs convinced that in the end, his doom will be inevitable.ย
She would probably agree, he thinks, his eyes meeting hers.ย
Thereโs something wild and desperate about her, he thinks, taking her in. Her wide open eyes are shimmering with unshed tears and her cheeks are flushed. Sheโs wearing nothing but a set of pajamas and soft slippers and sheโs crossed her arms in front of her chest, shivering.ย
โHaymitch?โ, she says, her voice colored with disbelief.ย
He smirks. โIn the flesh, Princess.โย
She rolls her eyes, then shakes her head. โI - but - what- what โฆ you-what are you doing here?โ
He forces himself to shrug, to keep his distance, to not let his thoughts wander. โI could ask you the same thing.โย
That seems to deflate her, but only for a short moment. โItโs the middle of the night-โ
โIt isโ, he agrees, nodding, โand you should be getting your beauty sleep, seeing as tomorrowโs another big, big, big day!โย
She shakes her head, her gaze landing on the pieces of his liquor bottle lying on the ground. โYou-you shouldnโt be - you have to be up in just a few hours!โ
Haymitch laughs mirthlessly. Instead of answering her, he shrugs off his coat, stepping towards her and ignoring her protest, when he proceeds to wrap the coat around her.ย
โNo, Haymitch- I donโt need that-โ
โItโs coldโ, he interrupts her.ย
She huffs a breath, shaking her head at him and raising her eyebrows in an exasperated are you serious? expression.ย
โYes it is, which is why you shouldnโt-โ
โJust take the damn coat, Princessโ, he interrupts her. โI could do without all the teeth chattering and shivering.โย
Haymitch expects another retort then, instead her expression almost seems to soften.ย
Then, he remembers as well, that moment of them together on the roof in the Capitol, him handing her his sweater, and saying those exact same words to her.ย
He shakes his head. How can it be that they havenโt spoken a word to each other in almost fours months, and yet it feels like no time at all has passed?ย
Dangerous, he thinks, biting down hard on his lower lip. Letting his thoughts stray in that direction is dangerous, and will do him no good at all.ย
โHaymitchโ, she says then, breaking the silence between them.ย
Haymitchโs heart aches upon hearing how small and lost her voice sounds. How uncertain.ย
And itโs all his fault, all of it.ย
Oh, how he wishes that the last four months hadnโt happened, that sheโd never been reaped as tribute, that their paths had never crossed.ย
โHaymitch, I-โ, she says, then stops.ย
Their eyes meet. Hers are shimmering with unshed tears, and full of so many emotions. Dread and terror for what lays ahead of them in form of the Victory tour. Fury and resentment, clearly aimed at him. And something else, something painstakingly familiar to Haymitch, this bittersweet regret-
She clears her throat then, shaking her head, and Haymitch can see it, can see the shift in her, can feel the moment she closes off again.ย
โI - you โฆ you-you should get some rest, you know โฆโ, she says, trailing off uncertainly.ย
Haymitch nods, grinning bitterly. โYou too, Princess. Wouldnโt want to ruin the big day โฆโย
She nods, a faint, half-hearted smile on her lips. โI - good night then, Haymitch.โย
He forces himself to nod, to take a step back. Thereโs so much more that he wants, no needs to say to her. But he canโt - he needs to keep reminding himself of that. He canโt. He closed that window nearly four months ago, and for good reason at that.ย
In the end, all he says is: โGood night, Princess.โย
And even though a small, desperate part of him wants to stay, wants to say everything thatโs on his mind, he forces himself to turn around and walk away instead.
gentle reminder that feedback is always welcome and that re-blogs really help me with visibility <3
Sometimes I think about Finnick trying to befriend Katniss before the Quell and I lose my shit
The other rebels are like you need to subtly let her know you're on her side, so you go bet and turn your charm up to 11. Which would have maybe worked on anyone else but this is Katniss Everdeen we're talking about.
So now you're stuck doing increasingly ridiculous social gymnastics every time she's around and still by the time the night before the Games arrives the only thing she's convinced of about you is that you are going to try to fucking murder her
So you freak out, seek out Haymitch and basically go "hey what the fuck is wrong with your kid". And Haymitch just stares ahead for a second, nods, takes off his bracelet, says "wear this" and leaves. You fucking hate district 12
So you go okay. Breathing exercises. This is fine. Guess I'll have to save her life during the Games or sth maybe that'll do the trick. And when you see the Arena you cheer up for a sec bc you definitely have the advantage here she'll have to trust you right?
Wrong. She can fucking swim. SHE CAN FUCKING SWIM.
So now you're in the Cornucopia with no cards up your sleeve, no time left, and arguably the other deadliest tribute in that Arena pointing at you with a bow, and so you go "you know what, fuck it, I'm going to die anyways" and you show her the bracelet
AND IT FUCKING WORKS
Bear in mind Finnick had no first-hand experience on Katniss and Haymitch's bitch-to-bitch telepathy this was his first contact with it
Just saying lucky for the Rebellion this was Finnick and not me if I was in his place I would have killed her there and then just out of principle
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content tim drake x gn! reader, meta! reader, forget-me-not powers, memory loss, angst, hurt/comfort, slow burn, strangers to friends to soemthing more, canon-typical violence, no yn, memory loss, loneliness, identity erasure, implied childhood neglect, injury/blood, panic, gun wound, stab wound
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wordcount 7.1k
every time someone looks away from you, they forget you exist, leaving you trapped in a life of constant introductions, abandoned conversations, and grief no one else remembers causing. desperate for help, you track down red robin again and again until tim drake begins building systems, notes, recordings, and theories around the shape of your absenceโeven though he forgets you every time his gaze slips. but as timโs body learns to trust you before his mind can remember you, both of you must decide whether trying again and again can be enough to turn loneliness into something like hope.
The first time you met Red Robin, he forgot you before you finished bleeding.
To be fair, it wasnโt his fault.
People never meant to do it. They didnโt mean to turn away from you in grocery aisles and leave you holding half-finished conversations like dropped glass. They didnโt mean to blink past you at bus stops, their faces emptying of recognition while your mouth still shaped their name. They didnโt mean to invite you in, laugh at your jokes, make promises, then look toward a ringing phone and turn back with polite fear in their eyes.
Can I help you?
The worst four words in the English language.
People always said them gently. That was the thing.
No one remembered hurting you. So, no one ever apologised.
Youโd been twelve the first time you realised it wasnโt normal. Your teacher looked down at your homework, looked back up, and asked whose desk you were sitting in. Your classmates laughed because children could always sense when the world had found a new way to be cruel.
Your parents forgot you in pieces. At first, it was little things. Leaving your plate out at dinner. Locking the front door while you were still on the porch. Calling the police about โa child in the houseโ when you came downstairs for water.
By sixteen, you had learned to keep your backpack packed. By eighteen, you had learned not to tell people your name unless you were prepared to watch it die in their mouths. By twenty, you stopped expecting anyone to hold onto you.
Then Gotham happened.
Gotham had a way of making tragedies feel ordinary. A city full of curses, chemicals, ghosts, gods, monsters, and miracles gone sour. People disappeared here every day. Some of them even left bodies.
You were good at disappearing. Not invisibility, exactly. Nothing so useful. People saw you. They could talk to you. Touch you. Hurt you. Help you.
But the second they looked away, you were gone.
Not physically. Just from them.
A thought ripped clean from the page. A footprint swallowed by black water. A name left out in the rain until the ink ran.
You called it your forget-me-not curse.
A joke, originally.ย
A bad one. The kind you made alone because there was no one around long enough to laugh.
You tracked Red Robin because he was the only person in Gotham paranoid enough to believe evidence over memory.
Batman would have been the obvious choice, but Batman was myth and shadow and trauma in Kevlar. Nightwing was too bright. Red Hood was too dangerous. Robin was a child with swords and the emotional range of an alley cat.
Red Robin, thoughโRed Robin solved things. Red Robin noticed patterns. Red Robin built answers out of scraps.
You had watched him for three weeks before you approached him.
Not stalked.
Watched.
There was a difference, though you were pretty sure the difference would not hold up in court.
He moved like exhaustion had learned martial arts. Sharp, efficient, clever. Always three steps ahead of everyone except himself. His cape snapped behind him as he crossed rooftops, and his voice over comms, when you caught pieces of it through stolen frequencies and cheap equipment, was dry enough to sand paint off a wall.
You liked him immediately.
Which was unfortunate. Liking people was how hope got its teeth in you.
Still, you needed help. So you followed him onto a rooftop in Chinatown during a rainstorm that turned every neon sign into a bleeding wound.
He had just finished taking down three men trying to move unmarked crates through the back of a restaurant. You watched him zip-tie the last one to a drainpipe, then crouch beside a broken lockbox.
โYou missed one,โ you said.
Red Robin spun so fast his bo staff was at your throat before your second breath.
You froze.
Rain ran down the side of your face.
His white lenses narrowed. โWho are you?โ
There it was.
The beginning. Your least favourite place to stand.
โMy name wonโt matter in about ten seconds.โ
โTry me.โ
โYouโre going to forget me.โ
โUnlikely.โ
You almost laughed. โEveryone says that.โ
His jaw tightened beneath the mask. โMeta?โ
โMaybe.โ
โThreat?โ
โTo myself, mostly.โ
โExplain.โ
You lifted one hand slowly, pointing toward the alley below. โThereโs another guy under the fire escape. He has a gun. You missed him because he didnโt come in with the others.โ
Red Robin didnโt look away.
Smart boy.
His head tilted slightly. Listening.
A second later, he threw a birdarang without taking his eyes off you.
A pained shout rose from the alley.
You blinked.
โNice.โ
โThanks. Now explain.โ
โI need help.โ
โWith?โ
You swallowed. This was always the hard part. The moment before someone knew enough to pity you and not enough to stay.
โWith being remembered.โ
For a second, he didnโt speak.
Rain tapped against his armour. Somewhere below, a siren cried like a mechanical animal.
Then his comm crackled.
โRed?โ a voice said. โStatus?โ
His eyes flicked away.
Just for a second.
Just enough.
When he looked back, his bo staff snapped up again.
โDonโt move,โ he said. โWho are you?โ
There it was.
The ending.
Your throat tightened anyway.
โYeah,โ you whispered. โThatโs the problem.โ
His grip shifted on the staff. โHow did you get up here?โ
โI climbed.โ
โYou expect me to believe that?โ
โNo,โ you said. โI expect you to forget this conversation, too.โ
โWhat conversation?โ
You closed your eyes. Rain, cold and patient, slid down your neck.
โNever mind.โ
You stepped backwards off the ledge.
Red Robin lunged, but you had already dropped onto the fire escape below, landing hard enough to rattle your bones.
By the time he looked down, he shouted, โHey!โ
Not your name.
Never your name.
You ran.
Behind you, Gotham swallowed the sound.
The second time you met him, you brought a folder. The third time, a USB drive. The fourth time, a whiteboard marker, because you were starting to get desperate. The fifth time, you wrote YOU WILL FORGET ME across his left gauntlet while he was distracted disarming a bomb.
He noticed the writing forty-three seconds later.
Unfortunately, he noticed it after looking away from you.
โWhy does my arm say that?โ he demanded.
You were sitting cross-legged on the floor of an abandoned subway station, chin propped in your hand. โBecause subtlety wasnโt working.โ
His eyes narrowed. โDid you write on my suit?โ
โWith consent.โ
โI donโt remember giving consent.โ
โExactly.โ
He stared at you. You stared back. Somewhere above you, a train rumbled through a city that had forgotten this station existed.
Relatable.
Red Robin looked down at his gauntlet again.
Then at you.
Then at the folder in your lap. Then at the cheap burner phone you had placed beside it, already playing a video of the two of you from fifteen minutes ago.
On the tiny cracked screen, Red Robin said, โTesting hypothesis. Subject claims memory alteration occurs when visual attention is broken. I am recording this willingly.โ
Onscreen, you gave a tired little wave.
Current Red Robin went very still.
You hated this part. The suspicion. The recalibration. The way people looked at proof of you like it had crawled out of a sewer.
His voice dropped. โWhat did you do to me?โ
โNothing.โ
โThatโs not an answer.โ
โItโs the only one I have.โ
The recording continued. Onscreen, Tim โ Red Robin, but by then you had found his name in enough public footage and gala clips to know the shape of him outside the mask โ looked intensely uncomfortable.
โSubject claims this has occurred throughout their life. Existing theory: anomalous cognitive deletion tied to direct perception. Memory resets after loss of visual contact. Physical evidence remains. Emotional impressions may remain.โ
Current Red Robin slowly looked at you. โEmotional impressions?โ
You shrugged, trying for casual and landing somewhere closer to wounded animal. โSometimes people feel something. Dรฉjร vu. Unease. Comfort. Anger. Depends on the person.โ
His mouth pressed into a thin line. โWhat do I feel?โ
You shouldnโt answer. You knew that.
Hope was a mousetrap with velvet on the spring.
Still, he asked, and you were very bad at denying yourself crumbs.
โYou feel comfortable,โ you said quietly. โUsually. Around me.โ
He didnโt respond.
The recording ended. The silence after it was massive.
He crouched in front of you, careful and slow, like you were something wild.
โHow many times have we had this conversation?โ
You looked away first.
It didnโt matter if you looked away. You always remembered.
โSix.โ
His breath caught. โSix?โ
โSeven, if we count the rooftop, but that one was short.โ
He sat back on his heels. โYou tracked me down seven times?โ
โYouโre hard to catch.โ
โYou should not have been able to catch me at all.โ
โYeah, well.โ You gave him a tired smile. โBeing forgettable has perks.โ
That landed wrong.
You saw it on his face. The way his suspicion cracked open just enough for sadness to show through.
You hated that too. Pity was a warm blanket made of needles.
โDonโt,โ you said.
โDonโt what?โ
โLook at me like that.โ
โLike what?โ
โLike youโre already sorry.โ
His lips parted, but no sound came out.
Then his comm chirped.
You saw the instant he registered it. You saw the calculation.
His gaze flicked toward the sound.
โWait,โ you said.
Too late.
His eyes moved away.
His face emptied.
Not dramatically. Not cruelly.
Just blank.
When he looked back, he was a stranger again.
His hand went to his staff.
You exhaled shakily.
He looked at the folder. The phone. The writing on his gauntlet.
Then at you.
โOkay,โ he said slowly. โIโm guessing weโve done this before.โ
Your laugh broke halfway through. โYeah.โ
His posture eased by one painful inch. โIโm sorry.โ
You stared at him.
He didnโt know what he was apologising for.
He meant it anyway.
Oh, that was dangerous.
That was so, so dangerous.
Tim Drake made a problem board.
Of course he did.
You found out two nights later when Red Robin left you coordinates scratched into the edge of a takeout menu youโd taped to his belt before he forgot you.
The coordinates led to a safehouse.
Not the Nest. Not the Cave. Somewhere smaller. Older. A third-floor apartment above a closed pawn shop, with three separate exits and windows reinforced from the inside.
There was a note taped to the door when you arrived.
If you are reading this and you are the person I keep forgetting, come in. I gave you the code. If I didnโt, check under the gargoyle across the street. If you are not that person, this door is electrified. Good luck.
You smiled despite yourself.
The code was under the gargoyle.
The safehouse smelled like coffee, dust, and circuitry. Three laptops glowed on a folding table. A whiteboard stood against the wall, covered in branching theories and question marks.
At the top, in sharp block letters, Tim had written:
FORGET-ME-NOT Under it: Not invisibility. Not standard telepathy. Not illusion. Perception-linked mnemonic erasure?
Then: DO NOT LOOK AWAY WITHOUT RECORDING.
Then, circled three times: THEY ARE REAL.
You stood in front of those words for a long time. Long enough for your chest to hurt. Long enough to hate yourself for how much it mattered.
They are real.
Not subject. Not anomaly. Not possible threat.
They. Real.
Your fingers lifted before you could stop them, hovering just beneath the words.
You didnโt touch. Touching felt too much like asking.
The bathroom door opened.
Tim Drake stepped out in sweatpants, a black T-shirt, damp hair curling at his forehead, and a toothbrush in his mouth.
He froze. You froze.
He blinked at you.
You lifted one hand weakly. โHi.โ
Tim removed the toothbrush from his mouth.
There was a very long silence.
Then he said, โIโm guessing youโre Forget-Me-Not.โ
โPlease donโt make that my codename.โ
โI already made it your case designation.โ
โThatโs worse.โ
โIโm bad at branding.โ
โIโve noticed. Red Robin?โ
He pointed the toothbrush at you. โOkay, low blow from someone whose entire thing is being forgotten.โ
You stared. He stared back.
Then both of you laughed.
It surprised you so badly that you almost didnโt recognise the sound coming out of your own mouth.
Timโs smile faded first.
Not gone. Just softened.
โSorry,โ he said. โThat wasโโ
โFunny,โ you said.
His eyes searched your face. โI didnโt hurt you?โ
You looked at the board again.
THEY ARE REAL.
โNo,โ you said. โYou didnโt.โ
He nodded once, then glanced toward the mirror over the kitchen sink.
Your stomach dropped. โTimโโ
His gaze shifted. His face went blank.
You hated mirrors. You hated reflective windows. Phones. Passing cars. Anything that gave people an excuse to stop looking at you.
Tim looked back. His eyes landed on you.
His hand tightened around the toothbrush.
Then he looked at the whiteboard. Back to you. Whiteboard.
You.
โOkay,โ he said after a moment. โThatโs deeply unsettling.โ
You swallowed the ache in your throat. โWelcome to the club.โ
He crossed the room carefully, eyes fixed on you with almost comic intensity. Like a cat trying not to lose sight of a laser pointer.
โDo I know your name?โ
โYes.โ
โDo I get to know it again?โ
You told him.
He repeated it.
Softly. Correctly.
Like it mattered. Like names were not disposable things.
Then he wrote it on his wrist in black marker.
Your chest went tight. โYou donโt have to do that.โ
โI do, actually.โ
โTim.โ
He paused.
It was the first time you had said his name to his face. He didnโt flinch. Didnโt ask how you knew.
He only looked at you. โWhat?โ
โYouโre going to forget anyway.โ
His expression shifted. Not pity this time.
Determination. Very different.
Much worse for your heart.
โThen Iโll remember again.โ
You looked away.
The words hit somewhere deep. Somewhere, still twelve years old, standing in a classroom while everyone laughed.
โYou say that like itโs easy.โ
โNo,โ Tim said. โI say that like itโs possible.โ
The apartment hummed around you. Computers. Rain. Gotham breathing through broken brick.
You wanted to believe him. God, you wanted to believe him.
That was the problem with starving.
A crumb looked like a feast.
Tim built protocols.
Protocol One: Cameras on before conversation.
Protocol Two: Notes visible on every surface.
Protocol Three: If he forgot you, he had to read the red folder before engaging.
Protocol Four: No sudden movements after reset, because apparently the third meeting had involved him pinning you to a wall and then feeling guilty about it for forty-eight hours, based solely on the bruise and your annoyed sticky note reading RUDE.
Protocol Five: Coffee.
You werenโt sure why coffee was a protocol.
Tim insisted it helped.
โYou just want an excuse to drink more coffee.โ
โThatโs a serious accusation.โ
โYou have a mug that says โsleep is a social construct.โโ
โIt was a gift.โ
โFrom who?โ
โMe.โ
You stared at him. He stared back.
Then he shrugged. โI know what I like.โ
The work was slow. Messy. Painful.
Tim forgot you dozens of times.
Sometimes in the middle of a sentence. Sometimes, while reaching for a pen. Sometimes because his phone lit up and instinct won before caution.
Every reset cut, but not always the same way.
Some were clean. His face would go politely guarded, and he would ask for an explanation, and you would hand him the folder like a nurse handing over bad news.
Some were worse. Once, after a long night of testing, Tim laughed at something you said. Really laughed, head ducked, eyes bright, shoulders shaking. You had been talking about the time a mugger forgot he was mugging you halfway through and apologised for standing too close.
Tim laughed, and you laughed too, because it was stupid and awful and somehow funny in the way tragedies became funny if they happened enough.
Then he turned to grab his coffee.
When he looked back, the laughter died on his face.
He stepped back. โWho are you?โ
You sat very still.
Your smile felt glued on. โNo one.โ
His eyes flicked to the notes.
He read them fast.
Too fast.
His face crumpled in slow motion.
โWait,โ he said. โWe were laughing.โ
You didnโt answer.
โI was laughing,โ he said, quieter.
โYeah.โ
โWith you.โ
โYeah.โ
โI forgot that?โ
You looked down at your hands. โYou forget everything.โ
Tim didnโt speak for a long time.
Then he said, โNot everything.โ
You almost snapped at him.
You wanted to. You wanted to tell him not to soften it. Not to romanticise it. Not to turn your curse into a puzzle with a hidden blessing, because there was nothing beautiful about being erased. There was no secret poetry in sitting across from someone who had smiled at you three seconds ago and watching their eyes turn unfamiliar.
But then Tim touched two fingers to his own chest.
โMy heart rate is elevated,โ he said. โBut not fear response. My shoulders are relaxed. Iโm angled toward you. I reached for coffee without checking my weapon first.โ
You blinked.
He looked at you, eyes steady.
โMy body knows you,โ he said. โEven when my brain doesnโt.โ
That shut you up completely.
Tim seemed to realise what he had said a second after saying it.
His ears went pink. Extremely pink.
You stared at them because you were sad, not dead.
He cleared his throat. โScientifically speaking.โ
โRight,โ you said.
โPhysiological familiarity.โ
โObviously.โ
โConditioned trust response.โ
โSuper romantic.โ
His blush deepened.
You smiled despite yourself.
Tim saw it. Something in him eased, like he had been waiting for proof he hadnโt ruined everything.
You looked away first.
Not because you wanted to.
Because wanting was getting dangerous.
You started staying longer. That was the mistake.
At first, you only came by for testing. Then for updates. Then because Tim texted a number he had written in six different places and asked Are you safe?
You stared at the message for twenty minutes.
No one asked you that. Not and remembered long enough to care about the answer.
You typed back Mostly.
His reply came instantly. That is not a yes.
You should have ignored it. Instead, you went to the safehouse.
Tim opened the door with a laptop under one arm, hair a disaster, a hoodie hanging off one shoulder.
He looked you over. โYouโre hurt.โ
โBarely.โ
โYouโre bleeding.โ
โThatโs what barely means in Gotham.โ
He stepped aside.
You came in.
He patched your arm with hands so careful they made you want to scream.
Not because it hurt.
Because it didnโt. Because he kept looking at you. Kept his gaze trained on your face while reaching blindly for gauze and antiseptic.
โYou can look down,โ you said.
โNope.โ
โYouโre going to tape my sleeve to my skin.โ
โI have done worse with less.โ
โThat is not comforting.โ
โIt wasnโt meant to be.โ
His fingers brushed your wrist.
You both went quiet.
Timโs gaze stayed on yours. There were shadows under his eyes. Purple-blue and stubborn. His mouth was set in that familiar line of someone trying to outthink the universe through sheer spite.
โYouโre tired,โ you said.
โIโm always tired.โ
โThatโs not as cute as you think it is.โ
โI think you think Iโm cute?โ
Your soul left your body.
Tim froze. His ears went pink again.
A gift. A treasure. A tiny biological betrayal.
โI meantโโ he started.
โYou said what you said.โ
โIโm sleep deprived.โ
โYouโre always sleep deprived.โ
โThen Iโm always not liable for my words.โ
You smiled. He smiled back.
For a second, there was no curse.
No whiteboard. No folder. No grief waiting in the corner with its coat still on.
Just Timโs hand around your wrist, warm through his gloves, and his eyes on yours like looking away was the one thing he refused to lose.
Then his phone rang.
Both of you flinched.
Tim did not look away.
The phone kept buzzing on the table.
He stared at you. You stared back.
โCould be important,โ you whispered.
โProbably.โ
โYou should answer.โ
โI know.โ
โTim.โ
His jaw worked. โI donโt want to forget this.โ
Your breath caught. โThis?โ
His thumb shifted against your wrist.
His voice dropped. โYou.โ
Hope was a stupid thing. A stubborn weed growing through concrete.
You wanted to rip it out by the roots.
Instead, you sat very still while it bloomed.
โTim,โ you said softly. โYou will.โ
The phone stopped ringing.
Then started again.
He closed his eyes.
Your heart jumped.
But he didnโt turn away.
Eyes closed, he said, โStill thinking about you.โ
โThatโs cheating.โ
โThatโs science.โ
โThat is absolutely not science.โ
โIt is if I write it down later.โ
You laughed, but it hurt.
His eyes opened.
He looked almost relieved to find you still there.
The phone stopped again.
A beat passed.
Then his comm went off.
Oracleโs voice filled the room.
โRed Robin, if youโre ignoring me because you found another conspiracy wall, Iโm sending Nightwing.โ
Tim grimaced.
โYou should take it,โ you said. He did not move. โTim.โ
โI know.โ
You gently pulled your wrist from his hand.
He let you.
You stood.
His expression tightened. โDonโt leave.โ
The words were too raw. Too young. Too much like your own secret prayers.
You swallowed. โIโll come back.โ
โYou donโt have to say that just because I wonโt remember.โ
โI know.โ
โWill you?โ
You should have lied less softly.
โNo,โ you said. โNot tonight.โ
His face went still.
You stepped back. โBecause youโll forget me, and I donโt think I can watch it again right now.โ
The comm crackled.
Timโs gaze stayed on you.
You gave him one last smile. It was probably a bad one.
Then you slipped out the window onto the fire escape.
You heard him say your name. Then Oracle said something urgent. Then the night took you.
By morning, he had sent seventeen messages. All to the number he did not remember saving.
Iโm sorry.
I donโt know what happened.
Thereโs a note on my arm that says I hurt you.
Please tell me what I did.
Please be safe.
You donโt have to answer.
But please be safe.
You deleted none of them. You answered none of them.
Avoiding Tim Drake was harder than finding him had been.
This was unfair, frankly.
Gotham was huge. You were practically a professional non-entity. You had evaded landlords, social workers, police officers, and one very confused census worker who kept rediscovering you on your own couch.
You could avoid one vigilante. In theory.
In practice, Tim Drake was a nightmare with Wi-Fi.
He left messages in places no sane person would think to check.
On rooftops. In police scanner chatter. In the metadata of a corrupted file you had stolen from a Falcone server. Once, in a fortune cookie.
You still had no idea how he managed that.
The fortune read: YOU ARE NOT A BURDEN. ALSO, PLEASE STOP GHOSTING ME. UNFORTUNATE WORD CHOICE. SORRY.
You kept that one in your wallet.
Not because it mattered. Obviously.
You avoided him for eleven days. On the twelfth, you found Red Robin bleeding on a rooftop.
Because Gotham had a sense of humour, and it was mean.
He was propped against an air-conditioning unit, one hand pressed to his side, cape torn, breathing shallowly. Three unconscious men lay scattered around him. A fourth crawled toward a gun.
You kicked the gun off the roof.
The man looked up at you, startled.
Then he glanced away toward Red Robin.
When he looked back, confusion washed over his face. โWhat theโโ
You punched him.
He went down.
Red Robin made a sound that might have been a laugh if it werenโt wrapped in pain.
โNice,โ he rasped.
You crouched beside him. โYouโre an idiot.โ
His lenses were cracked. One had gone dark, leaving a sliver of blue eye visible beneath the mask.
He looked at you. Really looked.
Your chest ached.
โYou came back,โ he said.
โYou got stabbed.โ
โTechnically shot.โ
โDo not get pedantic while bleeding.โ
โSorry.โ
You pressed your hands over the wound. He hissed. โWhereโs your emergency beacon?โ
โDamaged.โ
โComms?โ
โJammed.โ
โBackup?โ
He gave you a weak smile. โYou?โ
โTerrible plan.โ
โWorking so far.โ
โTim.โ
His smile faded. The exposed corner of his eye softened.
โI know you,โ he whispered.
Your hands froze. Blood slicked your fingers.
โWhat?โ
โI donโtโโ He swallowed hard, face twisting. โI donโt remember. But I know you.โ
You tried to breathe. โTim, stay with me.โ
โTrying.โ
โYou need pressure here.โ
โOkay.โ
โAnd you need to keep looking at me.โ
His laugh came out broken. โWas already planning on it.โ
You hated how that hurt. You hated how good it felt.
You dragged him upright, and he leaned heavily against you. Too heavily. His head dipped toward your shoulder.
โEyes on me,โ you said quickly.
He forced his head up. โBossy.โ
โYou like it.โ
โI feel like thatโs true.โ
โIt is.โ
โGood to know.โ
You half-carried him across the roof toward the stairwell.
Halfway there, the door slammed open.
Nightwing burst through, escrima sticks raised.
Behind him came Batman.
Of course. Of course, the universe looked at your worst night and said, Actually, letโs add the emotionally constipated bat-themed father figure.
Nightwing saw Tim. Then saw you.
โStep away from him.โ
Timโs grip on you tightened.
โDonโt,โ he said.
Batmanโs eyes narrowed. โRed Robin.โ
Tim breathed hard. โTheyโre helping.โ
Nightwing looked at you.
Then away, scanning the roof.
Then back.
His expression blanked. โWho are you?โ
Your stomach sank. Tim went rigid against you.
โNo,โ he snapped. โLook at the notes.โ
Nightwing blinked. โWhat notes?โ
โLeft gauntlet,โ Tim said through gritted teeth.
Batman moved first, taking Timโs wrist carefully.
Written across the inside of Timโs gauntlet in white marker were the words: IF SOMEONE IS WITH ME AND YOU DONโT KNOW THEM, TRUST THEM. MEMORY HAZARD. DO NOT LOOK AWAY.
Batman read it. Then looked at you.
You expected suspicion. You got it.
Then he looked at Timโs blood on your hands.
You expected threat. You got that too.
But beneath both, there was calculation.
โCan you get him downstairs?โ Batman asked.
You nodded.
Nightwing stared at the message on Timโs gauntlet, face pale.
โHow long has this been happening?โ
โLong enough,โ Tim muttered.
His knees buckled. You caught him with a panicked noise.
Batman stepped in, taking some of his weight.
For one terrible second, Timโs gaze slipped from you to Batman.
You felt the exact moment he forgot. His body went tense. His hand jerked toward his weapon.
Then stopped.
His eyes dropped to his wrist. To the writing. To the blood. To your hands still holding him up.
He looked at you again.
No recognition.
But his shoulders eased.
His voice came out hoarse. โHi.โ
You almost broke.
Right there on that rooftop. With Batman watching and Nightwing confused and Tim bleeding between your fingers.
You almost shattered into every version of yourself that had ever been left behind.
Instead, you smiled. Small. Devastated. โHi, Red.โ
His eyes flickered. โRed?โ
โYou hate when I call you that.โ
โI do?โ
โYeah.โ
He considered this. Then, barely audible, โFeels familiar.โ
Batmanโs jaw tightened. Nightwing looked like someone had punched him in the chest.
Good.
Let them see it. Let someone else hold the horror for once.
Tim swayed.
Batman said, โMove.โ
So you did.
The Cave remembered you better than people did.
Computers didnโt forget unless told to. Cameras kept your shape. Motion sensors tracked your movement. The Batcomputer marked you as UNKNOWN ENTITY until Tim, pale and stitched and furious from the medbay cot, demanded Batman change it.
โTo what?โ Batman asked.
Tim looked at you. He had forgotten you three times since arriving.
Each time, he read the notes. Each time, his face did something painful.
Now he sat upright despite Alfredโs stern disapproval, one hand pressed to his bandaged ribs, eyes stubbornly fixed on you.
โForget-Me-Not,โ he said.
You groaned. โTim.โ
โItโs accurate.โ
โItโs corny.โ
โItโs poetic.โ
โIt sounds like a Victorian ghost with abandonment issues.โ
Nightwing, who had been trying very hard not to stare at you and failing because staring was now medically necessary, whispered, โKind of on brand, though.โ
You pointed at him. โDonโt encourage this.โ
Nightwing held up both hands. โWouldnโt dream of it.โ
Then he looked away toward Batman.
His face blanked.
He looked back at you. Startled. Tim pointed at the gauntlet.
โOh, come on,โ he said, horrified. โI did it again?โ
โYep.โ
He dragged both hands down his face. โThis sucks.โ
You laughed.
You didnโt mean to. It just escaped.
Nightwing looked stricken. โThat was insensitive. Iโm sorry.โ
โNo,โ you said. โIt does suck.โ
Tim smiled faintly.
Batman did not. Batman had been watching the recordings.
All of them. Every safehouse interaction Tim had saved. Every reset. Every time Timโs face went from warm to blank. Every time you flinched like you had been slapped, and then patiently explained your own existence again.
Bruce Wayne had an excellent mask. Batman had a better one.
Neither was good enough. Not for this.
When Tim finally fell asleep โ reluctantly, after Alfred threatened sedation with the casual authority of a man who had raised vigilantes and regretted much โ Batman approached you near the computer.
You stiffened.
He stopped several feet away.
โTim trusts you,โ he said.
You looked toward the medbay. Timโs face was turned toward you even in sleep. โHe trusts evidence.โ
โNo,โ Batman said. โHe trusts you.โ
You laughed under your breath. โHe forgets me.โ
โThose are not the same thing.โ
You hated him a little for that.
For being right. For saying it in that gravelly voice, like truth was a verdict.
โHe shouldnโt,โ you said.
โWhy?โ
โBecause Iโll get him hurt.โ
Batman said nothing.
You looked at Tim again.
โHe keeps trying to remember me. He gets distracted. He hesitates. He writes things on his skin and loses sleep and builds systems andโand cares.โ Your voice cracked. You hated that. โHe cares, and he doesnโt even get to keep why.โ
Batman was silent for a long moment. Then he said, โTim is very difficult to stop once he decides someone matters.โ
Your throat tightened. โBad survival trait.โ
โYes,โ Batman said. โIt runs in the family.โ
That almost got a smile out of you. Almost.
Bruce looked toward the medbay.
โHe has been calmer,โ he said.
โWhat?โ
โRecently. Still sleep-deprived. Still reckless. Still Tim.โ A pause. โBut calmer.โ
You stared at him.
Batmanโs gaze returned to you. โI didnโt know why.โ
You had no idea what to do with that.
So you did what you always did.ย
You prepared to leave. โI should go.โ
Batmanโs voice sharpened. โThatโs not necessary.โ
โIt is.โ
Tim stirred faintly in the medbay. Your feet rooted to the floor.
โHeโll wake up,โ you said. โHeโll forget. Then heโll remember from notes, then heโll feel guilty, then heโll try harder. Itโs a loop.โ
โThen we break it.โ
You looked at Batman. Something like anger sparked under your ribs.
โYou canโt punch this.โ
โIโm aware.โ
โYou canโt adopt it either.โ
One corner of his mouth twitched.
Tiny. Devastatingly father-like.
โIโm aware of that as well.โ
โThen what?โ
Batmanโs eyes moved to the computer. โTim has theories.โ
โTim has a caffeine addiction and a martyr complex.โ
โHe also has a working prototype.โ
You froze.
Bruce tapped a key.
A file opened.
CONTINUITY ANCHOR โ FMN PROJECT
Your breath stopped. Schematics filled the screen. A visual tracking system. HUD integration. Facial recognition. Constant line-of-sight proxy through micro-cameras. Audio prompts. Haptic alerts. A recording loop designed to feed Tim reminders before, during, and after attention breaks.
A way to outsource memory. A way to build a bridge over the gap.
Not a cure. Never a cure.
But a handrail in the dark.
โHe didnโt tell me,โ you whispered.
โHe likely intended to finish it first.โ
โOf course he did.โ
Because Tim Drake would rather bite through his own tongue than offer hope before he could guarantee it.
Your eyes burned.
On the screen, beneath the diagrams, was a note.
Not technical. Not polished. Just Timโs writing, rushed and uneven.
They deserve continuity. Even if I canโt give memory, I can give consistency. That has to count for something.
You covered your mouth.
Batman looked away. Then immediately looked back, jaw tightening as his memory reset.
You laughed wetly.
โYeah,โ you whispered. โAnnoying, isnโt it?โ
Batman stared at the screen. Then at you. Then, very carefully, he said, โI understand why Tim is angry.โ
That undid you more than pity ever could.
Tim woke three hours later and forgot you before saying good morning.
His eyes opened. They landed on you.
Blankness.
Then he saw the note taped to the ceiling directly above his bed. YOU KNOW THEM. DO NOT PANIC. ASK FOR THE BLUE FOLDER.
He stared at it. Then exhaled.
โMorning?โ he guessed.
You sat beside the medbay cot, knees pulled to your chest. โAfternoon.โ
โDid I sleep?โ
โUnder duress.โ
โAlfred?โ
โAlfred.โ
He nodded gravely. โPowerful man.โ
โYou have no idea.โ
His gaze drifted to your face. Stayed there.
โIโm sorry,โ he said.
You sighed. โTim.โ
โNo, donโt โTimโ me. I know you hate it when I apologise for something I donโt remember doingโโ
โI never told you that.โ
His mouth shut.
You raised an eyebrow.
He looked briefly smug. โPhysiological familiarity.โ
โYou are impossible.โ
โI feel like youโve said that before.โ
โMany times.โ
โNice.โ
You shook your head, but you were smiling.
He noticed. Tim always noticed. Even when he forgot why it mattered.
His expression softened. โYou stayed.โ
โYeah.โ
โWhy?โ
You looked at your hands.
Because you were tired. Because he kept trying. Because you had spent your whole life being temporary, and Tim Drake had looked at your curse and said, then Iโll build something that lasts.
Because hope had teeth, yes. But maybe you were tired of bleeding alone.
โYou got shot,โ you said.
โAgain, technically stabbed after being shot.โ
โTim.โ
โRight. Not the time.โ
A quiet beat passed.
Then he said your name.
You looked up.
He was watching you with that unbearable focus.
โI donโt remember meeting you,โ he said.
โI know.โ
โI donโt remember most of our conversations.โ
โI know.โ
โI donโt remember why you look sad when I look away.โ
Your throat tightened.
โBut I know I hate it,โ he said softly.
You stared at him. Timโs fingers curled against the blanket.
โI know there are gaps,โ he continued. โI know something is missing. Every time I reset, itโs like walking into a room after someone has stopped crying. I donโt know what happened, but I know it mattered.โ
Your eyes burned. โTimโโ
โIโm not saying that fixes anything.โ
โGood, because it doesnโt.โ
โI know.โ
โYou donโt.โ
His face changed.
You regretted it instantly. But the words were out now, and maybe they deserved air after all.
โYou donโt know,โ you said, voice shaking. โYou donโt know what itโs like to have to prove you exist every single day. To explain yourself over and over until your own name sounds fake. To watch someone care about you and then lose it because they looked at a clock.โ
Tim went very still.
You stood because sitting hurt too much.
โYou donโt know what itโs like to be someoneโs favourite person for five minutes and a stranger for the rest of your life.โ
Silence.
Huge. Electric. Timโs eyes did not leave you.
โIโm sorry,โ he whispered.
You laughed once, broken and sharp. โI know.โ
โThat doesnโt make it better.โ
โNo.โ
โWhat does?โ
You looked at him. He looked so tired. So young, suddenly. Not Red Robin. Not the genius detective. Just Tim, with messy hair and stitches in his side and your name written on his wrist like a prayer he refused to stop saying.
โI donโt know,โ you admitted.
Tim absorbed that. Then he nodded. โOkay.โ
โOkay?โ
โIf thereโs no fix yet, then we start with no fix.โ
โThatโs not a plan.โ
โItโs the beginning of one.โ
Despite everything, a laugh trembled out of you.
He smiled faintly.
โThere it is,โ he said.
Your heart did something stupid. โDonโt.โ
โDonโt what?โ
โLook at me like that.โ
His smile faded. โLike what?โ
โLike Iโm someone you could keep.โ
Timโs expression went quiet. Then he reached toward the tray beside him, picked up a marker, and wrote something on his palm.
He turned it toward you.
TRY.
One word. Three letters. Ridiculous. Insufficient.
Everything.
Your breath caught.
โThatโs not enough,โ you said.
โI know.โ
โYouโll forget.โ
โProbably.โ
โItโll hurt.โ
โProbably.โ
โYouโll get tired.โ
His eyes sharpened. โNo.โ
โYou canโt know that.โ
โYes,โ Tim said. โI can.โ
You wanted to argue. You wanted to run. You wanted to believe him so badly it felt like standing on the edge of a building with no grapple and calling it flight.
Tim lowered his hand. โI donโt get to choose what my brain keeps,โ he said. โBut I get to choose what I do about what it loses.โ
You pressed your lips together.
He swallowed. โAnd I choose to try.โ
Your vision blurred. โEvery time?โ
His voice softened. โEvery time.โ
You looked away.
For once, someone else remembered the important part.
The prototype was ugly.
You told Tim this. He looked offended.
โIt is functional.โ
โIt looks like a beetle married a security camera.โ
โThatโs mean.โ
โIt has antennae.โ
โTheyโre signal stabilisers.โ
โTheyโre emotionally antennae.โ
Tim scowled at the device clipped onto his cowl.
Nightwing, who had been instructed not to look away and had taken this to mean he should stare at you with the intensity of a golden retriever witnessing a magic trick, nodded. โItโs a little buggy.โ
Tim pointed at him. โYouโre not invited to science anymore.โ
โI was invited to science?โ
โNo.โ
โHarsh.โ
The Continuity Anchor worked. Mostly.
Tiny cameras mounted in Timโs cowl maintained visual contact when his eyes moved. His HUD displayed a small marker whenever you were in range. If all visual tracking broke, an audio cue played in his ear.
You know them. Look for notes. Do not panic.
Tim recorded it himself.
You hated the first version. He sounded too clinical.
The second version was worse. Too gentle.
The third version made you leave the room.
You came back to find Tim sitting alone, staring at the recorder.
He looked up at you.
โI donโt know how to talk to myself about you,โ he admitted.
Your anger dissolved on impact. โTry talking to me.โ
So he did.
The final version said Hey. You forgot. Thatโs okay. Theyโre real. You trust them. They are not leaving because of this unless you make them feel like they should. Be kind. Start there.
You listened to it once. Then never again.
It lived in Timโs ear now. A tiny ghost of himself, guiding him back.
The first field test happened on a rooftop at dawn.
Gotham stretched around you in bruised purples and dirty gold. The city looked almost soft from up there, which was one of its better lies.
Tim stood beside you in full Red Robin gear, the new system humming faintly.
โReady?โ he asked.
โNo.โ
โGreat. Me neither.โ
You gave him a look.
He smiled. Nervous. Hopeful.
You hated how beautiful he looked in the thin morning light.
โOkay,โ he said. โIโm going to look away.โ
Your stomach clenched. โOkay.โ
โIโll look back.โ
โYou might not know why.โ
โIโll have help.โ
You nodded.
He took a breath. Then slowly, deliberately, Tim Drake turned his head and looked out over Gotham.
The world did not end. For him, maybe it shifted.
For you, it cracked open.
His profile was sharp against the sunrise. The wind tugged at his cape. One second passed. Two. Three.
Then he turned back.
His eyes found you. For half a heartbeat, there was blankness.
A terrible, familiar void.
Then his HUD must have triggered.
His hand twitched.
His gaze dropped to the writing on his wrist.
Then back to your face.
Recognition did not return.
Not fully. Not magically.
But something else did.
Choice.
โHi,โ Tim said softly.
Your eyes stung. โHi.โ
He stepped closer. โDid it work?โ
You laughed, and it came out like crying. โDepends what you mean by work.โ
โDid I panic?โ
โNo.โ
โDid I threaten you?โ
โNo.โ
โDid I make that face?โ
โWhat face?โ
โThe one that makes you look like youโre trying not to disappear on purpose.โ
Your breath left you.
Timโs mouth tilted, small and sad. โI donโt have to remember everything to notice you.โ
That was unfair.
That was devastating.
That was Tim.
You wiped at your face quickly. โThis is still going to be hard.โ
โYeah.โ
โIโm still going to get hurt.โ
โI know.โ
โYou canโt just tech-solution your way out of grief.โ
He winced. โThat one felt personal.โ
โIt was.โ
โFair.โ
You both stood there, the sun rising behind Gothamโs teeth.
Then Tim held out his hand.
Not grabbing. Not assuming.
Just offering.
โYou donโt have to,โ he said.
You stared at his hand. โHow very dare you be respectful right now.โ
His lips twitched. โTrying something new.โ
โItโs rude.โ
โIโll stop immediately.โ
โNo.โ
The word came out too fast.
Timโs smile softened.
Slowly, like approaching a scared animal or a miracle, you placed your hand in his.
His fingers closed around yours.
Warm. Careful. Real.
He looked down at your joined hands.
Your heart lurched. โTimโโ
His gaze snapped back to your face.
Still there. Still knowing enough.
The camera on his cowl gave a tiny mechanical whirr.
He grinned. โScience.โ
You laughed wetly. โDork.โ
โAccurate.โ
He rubbed his thumb once across your knuckles. โCan I ask you something?โ
โYou usually do.โ
โHave I asked you on a date yet?โ
Your entire brain short-circuited. โWhat?โ
โIโm guessing no.โ
โTim.โ
โThat sounds like no.โ
โYou cannot ask me out because your own tech is bullying your memory into cooperating.โ
โActually, I can do whatever I want. Iโm very stubborn.โ
โYou got stabbed yesterday.โ
โShot, then stabbed.โ
โI swear to Godโโ
โCoffee,โ he said.
You stopped.
His thumb moved again. โJust coffee. Somewhere public. Somewhere with reflective surfaces covered if needed, cameras on, notes ready, exits clear. Worst first date ever, logistically, but emotionally? Strong concept.โ
You stared at him.
He looked nervous now. Actually nervous. Tim Drake, who fought assassins and solved murders and apparently stared down gods with caffeine and audacity, was nervous because he had asked you for coffee.
Your heart broke in a new direction. A better one, maybe.
โYou might forget halfway through.โ
โI might.โ
โYou might look back at me and not know weโre on a date.โ
โI might.โ
โThat would be awful.โ
โProbably.โ
โAnd you still want to?โ
Timโs voice went quiet. โYes.โ
You searched his face.
There was no perfect answer there. No cure. No promise safe enough to build forever on.
Only Tim. Only trying. Only a boy with too much grief and too little sleep, holding your hand like forgetting was not the same as letting go.
You squeezed his fingers.
โOkay,โ you whispered.
Timโs smile bloomed slowly. The sunrise caught on his lenses, turning them gold. โOkay?โ
โCoffee.โ
โCoffee,โ he agreed.
โAnd if you forget, Iโm leaving you with the bill.โ
His smile widened. โReasonable.โ
โAnd Iโm picking the place.โ
โSmart.โ
โAnd no making Forget-Me-Not my codename.โ
He hesitated.
โTim.โ
โFine.โ
โTim.โ
โFine.โ
You laughed. He looked at you like the sound was something worth surviving for.
Then, because the universe was still cruel but maybe not only cruel, Tim looked away.
A gull cried overhead.
The city moved.
His hand stayed in yours.
The device in his cowl whispered softly.
His fingers tightened.
Then he looked back.
For one splintered second, his face was blank.
Your heart braced itself.
Then he glanced at his wrist. At your hand. At your face.
And smiled.
โHi,โ he said.
You smiled back, tears slipping hot down your cheeks. โHi.โ
Tim lifted your joined hands, pressing his mouth gently to your knuckles.
Not because he remembered everything.
Because he chose to begin again.
And for the first time in your life, being forgotten did not feel exactly like being gone.
It's the last thing I wanted (tell me, which side are you on, dear?) โ It's the first thing I'd do (give me some tips to forget you) โ I tell you my problems (have I become one of your problems?) โ And you tell me the truth โ It's the last thing I wanted (everything that's mine is a landmine) โ It's the first thing I'd do (did my love aid and abet you?) โ I tell you that I think I'm falling back in love with you (back in love) โ Back in love with you โ Alcott, Taylor
Masterlist: ๐
Synopsis: There are quarrels that pass like summer storms, and there are quarrels that leave the house feeling smaller afterward. Theirs, tonight, was the second kind. The dishes were washed in silence. The water was run too hot, and too long. And when he came to the door with a pillow under his arm, quite certain that the kindest thing a man could do was remove himself from the room he had darkened, she found she had exactly enough patience left to tell him he was wrong.
Some fights don't have a winner. They just have two people who ran out of ammunition at roughly the same time, and stood there afterward in the ringing quiet, unsure what to do with hands that had spent the last twenty minutes reaching for the worst possible words instead of each other.
That was us, in the kitchen, past midnight, with a whole day's worth of dishes between us and nothing left to say, and a silence so total I could hear my own pulse in my ears, could hear it the way you hear your own heartbeat in a pillow at night, too loud, too present, refusing to be ignored.
I turned the tap on because it was something to do with my body that wasn't shaking, because if I stood still one more second I was afraid of what my hands might do โ reach for him, or slam something, I genuinely didn't know which, and neither felt survivable. He came in a minute later. I heard him before I saw him, the particular weight of his footsteps, the ones he uses when he's trying to walk lightly and forgetting, in his own grief, how loud a person becomes even barefoot. He picked up the towel without a word, and something in my chest lurched at the sound of the fabric coming off the hook โ small, ordinary, and somehow unbearable, because it meant he was staying, and staying was the last thing either of us had earned the right to expect from the other tonight.
I handed him a plate. My hand shook, just slightly, passing it over, and I hated that it shook, hated that my body was still keeping some kind of ledger of the last hour that my pride wanted no part of. He took it. Our fingers didn't touch. I noticed that they didn't touch โ noticed it the way you notice the absence of something you didn't know you were braced for โ the careful half-inch gap we both kept without discussing it, like touching by accident might reopen something neither of us had the strength to survive twice in one night.
He dries dishes like he's handling something breakable that isn't the dish. Slow. Deliberate. Both hands, always both hands, like carelessness were a kind of violence he refuses to commit even by accident. I've always loved that about him, that unbearable gentleness, and tonight it very nearly broke something open in my chest, watching him be that careful with a ceramic bowl an hour after being so uncareful with me. I don't think he even noticed the contradiction. I don't think he ever does, in the moment โ that's the quiet tragedy of him, that he pours all his tenderness into the things that can't be hurt by his temper, and forgets, until it's too late, that the person three feet away might have needed some of it too.
I scrubbed a pan long after the food had come off it, my knuckles going raw and pink under water that had started too hot and stayed that way because I refused to adjust it. Somewhere in there I glanced sideways โ just once, just a fraction of a second โ and caught him mid-exhale, this small, controlled breath through his nose, his shoulders drawn up tight around his ears like he was trying to physically occupy less of a kitchen he owns just as much as I do. Something in me ached at that, sharp and sudden, an ache I had no room for yet, and I looked away before he could catch me looking, because I wasn't ready to let my face do anything soft. Not yet. Not while the wound was still that fresh.
When the last pot went into the rack, neither of us moved. We just stood there, side by side, staring into gray dishwater like it might finally say the thing neither of us could. My chest was so tight it physically hurt to breathe past it, a real, physical ache behind my sternum, and I dried my hands on my own shirt instead of taking the towel from him, because his hands, right then, felt like something I couldn't trust myself around โ not fear of him, never that, only fear of what my own softness might do if it got too close to him too soon, how fast it might fold, how little it would take. I walked out without a word, and every step away from that kitchen cost me something.
He stayed behind. I heard the water keep running. I heard him wipe a counter that hadn't needed wiping in ten minutes, the cloth moving in slow, aimless circles, and something about that โ a man who has survived five hundred years of history reduced to cleaning an already-clean counter at midnight because his hands didn't know what else to hold, because his hands were the only part of him he still trusted to behave โ cracked something wide open in my chest that I shoved back down, hard, because I did not have room for it yet.
The shower ran too hot. It always does, on the nights that earn it. I stood beneath it with my forehead nearly against the tile, my whole body curled slightly inward, and let the water hit the back of my neck like it might, if it tried hard enough, actually rinse something out of me. I replayed the fight in broken, out-of-order pieces โ a sentence here, the exact register his voice had dropped into near the worst of it, the specific silence that had followed the thing I'd said, the thing I felt leave my mouth and regret before it had even finished landing, felt it the way you feel a stone leave your hand a half-second too late to call it back. I am not a woman who takes pleasure in cruelty.
I get nothing from it, nothing at all, no relief, no righteousness, only this hollow, sick feeling afterward. But I know him well enough, after all this time, to know exactly which door to knock on if I wanted to do damage, and some ugly, cornered, exhausted part of me had knocked on it anyway, hard, and I hated her โ that part of me โ standing there under water too hot to actually comfort anything.
I turned it off before I was ready to stop being alone. My hands were trembling slightly when I reached for the towel, and I noticed that too, filed it away with everything else I didn't have the bandwidth to examine yet.In the mirror, I did the whole routine on something close to autopilot โ cleanser, toner, the serum whose name never sticks, moisturizer worked in with both palms, slow, deliberate, like I was trying to press something calmer into my own face through sheer repetition, through muscle memory, because my mind had nothing left to offer.
I avoided my own eyes for most of it, actively, on purpose, because I didn't trust what I'd find there. Near the end I forced myself to look anyway, forced my own gaze to hold in the fogged glass, and felt something in my throat go thick and swollen at what looked back โ someone tired in a way that had nothing to do with the hour. That was the worst one we've had, I thought, plainly, without flinching from it.
I turned off the light and stood a moment in the dark hallway, just breathing, my hand pressed flat against my own chest like I could hold something in place by force, before I let myself go to bed at all.
The bedroom was cold and unlit. I got under the blanket without turning anything on, curled toward the wall instead of the middle, which is the closest thing I have to a small, silent flag staked into the mattress that says I am still hurting, even now, even like this, please don't ask me to pretend otherwise yet. I lay there a long time in that heavy half-place between waking and not, aware enough to still feel the ache sitting low and constant in my ribs, when I heard it โ the hallway floor, giving under a foot trying very hard, and failing, to be silent.
I didn't move. My whole body went still, listening, and I let myself hear the specific hesitation in it โ the pause before a person decides whether to actually cross a threshold or just stand in the dark a while longer, arguing with himself, alone. I already knew, with the particular dread of knowing someone down to the very architecture of his fear, exactly what I would find if I opened my eyes. My heart was pounding by the time I did.
I opened them anyway.
He was there. Backlit by the hallway light, so still he could have been carved that way, one hand pressed flat and white-knuckled against the doorframe like he needed it to keep himself upright, and under the other arm, held a little too carefully, like evidence he was ashamed to be caught holding, a pillow.I looked at the pillow first. I needed the extra second โ needed it badly โ before I let myself look at his face, because I already knew, with a certainty that made my chest hurt in advance, exactly what I'd find there.
When I finally did look, really look, past the pillow, past the practiced stillness he wears like armor, something in me gave out entirely, all at once, no warning. The anger was still there. It hadn't gone anywhere. It was allowed to stay as long as it wanted to stay.
My knees actually weakened at the sight of him โ uselessly, absurdly, lying flat on my back, which should not be a thing that can happen to a person horizontal in bed, and happened anyway, some old gravity in my chest pulling toward him even now, even furious.
"You weren't actually going to sleep down the hall." My voice came out rough, cracked at the edges, stripped of anything performative, worn down to the studs by the whole night.
He didn't answer right away. I watched his jaw work, once, twice, watched his throat move as he swallowed something down, watched his eyes drop to the floor and then lift again like even that much eye contact cost him more than he had left to spend.
When he finally spoke, his voice had none of its usual composure in it at all โ smaller, thinner, careful in a way that had nothing to do with elegance and everything to do with old, learned self-preservation, the kind you build brick by brick over centuries until it becomes indistinguishable from your own skin.
"I thought it might be a mercy," he said, so quietly I had to strain to catch it. "For you. One night without me in the room."
"A mercy." The word came out of me sharp, almost a laugh, except there was nothing funny sitting in my chest, only something raw and disbelieving. "Since when do I need mercy from you sleeping ten feet further away?"
"Since I said the things I said tonight." His voice dropped even further, and I watched something in his throat work again, hard, like he was fighting to keep it together at all. "I keep hearing myself say them. Over and over. I don't know how you're supposed to lie next to that."
"By lying next to you. That's how." I sat up slowly, the blanket sliding off my shoulder, cold air hitting my skin, and I looked at him properly โ unguarded, too tired for anything but plain, unbearable truth.
"You don't get to decide unilaterally what I can and can't survive being near, Armand. That decision was never yours to make. That one's mine."
"I only wanted to make it easier." His voice cracked, visibly, on easier, and I watched him hear it crack, watched something like shame move across his face at his own voice betraying him.
"Easier for who." The words left me sharper than I intended, and I let them stand anyway, because they were true and because some things need to land hard to land at all.
"Because it is not easier for me. Lying in here alone, replaying the worst fight we have ever had, wondering if you're somewhere down that hallway convinced you've ruined something you haven't ruined. That isn't mercy, Armand. That's just you, alone, punishing yourself somewhere I can't reach you to tell you you're wrong and I don't want that. I have never once wanted that, not for one single second of one single night."
He was quiet for a long moment, longer than felt bearable, and I watched something in his face struggle โ visibly, painfully, the way it does when he's holding two true things at once and hasn't yet learned that they don't have to cancel each other out.
"I don't know how to sit in a room with you," he said finally, so low I felt it more than heard it, "after I've hurt you. I never have. I feel it happening โ the wanting to leave โ before I've even decided to do it. It's already moving my feet before my mind has caught up."
"I know." Something in me softened completely at that, all at once, every sharp edge going quiet in the same breath. "I've watched it happen to you more times than I can count. It's not new information to me. But knowing where it comes from doesn't mean I have to let it win. Not tonight. Not this time."
"What if I do it again? Next time."
"Then I'll say this again, next time." I held my hand out into the dark between us, and it was steadier than anything else about me felt in that moment. "As many times as it takes, Armand. I promise you I am not running out of this. I have more of this in me than you think. Now come here โ before I have to get up and drag you by the collar myself, because I genuinely might, and I am too tired tonight to make that threat elegant."
Something in his face cracked loose at that โ not quite a smile, just the ghost of one, startled out of him despite everything, despite the weight sitting on both of us โ and it was enough. It was enough to finally get his feet moving.He set the pillow down on the floor instead of finishing the gesture properly, his hand lingering on it a beat too long, like some part of him still wasn't sure he was allowed to let go of it yet. He crossed the room slower than I expected, each step almost disbelieving, the walk of a man approaching something he had been taught, over centuries, that he did not get to have more than once.
He sat on the very edge of the mattress, spine too straight, hands knotted together hard enough that I could see the tendons standing out beneath his skin even in the dark. For a moment neither of us said anything at all. I just looked at him โ the tired, uncertain line of his mouth, the white press of his own fingers into his own knuckles, like he needed something to hold onto that wasn't me yet, in case I changed my mind, in case he needed both hands free to leave quickly.
I didn't wait for him to decide the rest on his own. I reached out and pulled him down by the arm, and he came โ off balance for half a second in a way he never lets himself be, a small, involuntary sound catching in his throat at the loss of control โ and then his whole weight was against me, giving way all at once, like he had been holding himself upright by sheer, exhausted will for the last hour and had only just been handed permission to finally, finally stop.
I gathered him in properly. Not a token arm slung over him โ both arms, one hand sliding slow into his hair, the other spread flat and warm against his back, and I felt him go rigid beneath my palm for one long, terrible second, some old, trained reflex bracing for the comfort to be yanked away as fast as it had arrived, his whole body waiting for the other shoe. And then he broke. Folded into me completely, his face pressing hard into my throat, his breath leaving him in one long, uneven shudder that had absolutely nothing composed left inside it, nothing performed, nothing held back.
"There you go," I murmured against his temple, pressing my mouth there, soft, unhurried, feeling him shake faintly under the words. The anger in me had gone quiet for now, tucked somewhere it could wait until morning without disappearing entirely. "I've got you. I've got you. You're not going anywhere tonight, and neither am I."
He made a small, broken sound against my throat, not quite a word, more like something finally allowed to escape after being held too long, and I felt his hand come up and fist โ careful, disbelieving โ into the back of my shirt, like he needed physical proof under his own fingers that I was real, that I was staying, that this wasn't about to be taken back the moment he let his guard down completely.
I kissed the crown of his head. Then his temple again. Then just rested my mouth there, breathing him in, feeling the frantic, stuttering beat of his heart slowly, slowly learn how to slow itself down against mine, matching itself to me the way it always eventually does.
"I'm still upset with you," I whispered, and even as I said it my thumb was moving in slow, soothing circles at the back of his neck, because both things were true at once now and I had stopped needing them not to be.
"That doesn't cancel out any of this. I need you to understand that, all the way down, not just for tonight. You can survive me being angry, Armand. I promise you can. I'm not going anywhere. I'm just going to be a little annoyed with you while I hold on to you anyway."
He let out something that was almost a laugh, thin and wet and utterly disbelieving, and pressed closer instead of pulling away, closer than before, like he was testing whether that was allowed too, and I felt something in his chest finally, finally unclench beneath my palm, some old, tight thing letting go for the first time all night.
"You know what I was thinking about, in the shower earlier. I was thinking about how you always stir things that don't need stirring. Every single time I'm cooking, without fail, you come and stand next to me and pick up the spoon like the pot was going to give up without you, and I used to find it so annoying, genuinely, I used to have to actively stop myself from saying something about it. And now I just โ hand you the spoon. Without thinking. Because somewhere along the way it stopped being annoying and started being just the way things are in this kitchen, the way things are in this house, the way things are with you."
"And I don't know why I'm telling you that right now except that I've been lying here thinking about how much of you has just โ quietly become part of how I live, without either of us making a big decision about it, and it makes the idea of you sleeping down the hall tonight feel so ridiculous I can't even hold it in my head properly. Like rearranging furniture in a room you've already memorized in the dark. Nothing would be where I expected it. I'd keep reaching for things that weren't there." A pause, long, unhurried.
"I'm still upset with you. I'll probably be a little upset tomorrow too. But you're part of how this place feels, and I don't know how to explain that any better than that, and I just needed you to know it tonight."
He lifted his head slowly, and I let him, and for a moment we just looked at each other in the dark the way you only look at someone when you've run out of anything left to perform for them โ no composure between us, no careful choosing of words, just his face close to mine and both of us a little wrecked and a little relieved and too tired for anything but the plain fact of each other.
He opened his mouth once, closed it. Tried again.
"I don't know how you do that," he said finally, so quietly it barely made a sound. "Look at me like that. After a night like this."
I didn't answer him. I didn't have an answer that wouldn't have taken an hour to say properly, and we were both too far past the hour for that. So I just looked at him a moment longer, the way he'd asked about without meaning to ask, and then I pressed my lips to his forehead, slow, and pulled him back down, and that was the end of it. That was enough. The dark settled around us, and neither of us said another word, and somewhere in the quiet after that, finally, we slept.
A/N: Hiii hellooo. so. this took me an embarrassingly long time to write for something that is essentially just two people doing dishes and having feelings about it. I rewrote the kitchen scene so many times I started to genuinely resent the dishes, which is saying something because I already resented them before I started ๐ค
I don't have a lot to say about this one except that I've been thinking about armand's specific brand of self-destruction for a while now โ the leaving before you're asked to leave, the shrinking, the pillow under the arm at midnight โ and I needed to write someone who just refused to let him get away with it quietly without making it a whole thing. I think that's the most loving thing you can do for someone like him, honestly. just keep the light on and tell him to get back in bed.
Anyway, I hope you're warm wherever you are and that nobody you love is sleeping in the guest room tonight <3
๐ฒ๐๐๐๐บ๐๐: James, who constantly follows you around, finds himself debating his career after something happens with a patient, so you invite him out for drinks to talk. What could possibly go wrong with that?
Warnings: Death mentioned, crying, SMUTTT holy fuck this is a lot of dirty shit, handjob, semi-public handjob, oral sex (both male and female receiving), riding, names, the word 'pathetic' used to degrade, dacryphilia, degradation, praise, pet names used (baby), ma'am kink, no use of a condom (they just raw dog this shit bruh). MINORS DNI WITH THIS, THIS IS STRICTLY 18+ !!
a/n: guys, I'm sorry to admit, but I am in fact horny for this man. It's most definitely ovulation, but I don't care. I need him NEOW. So yes, I wrote this on Easter Sunday, and I'm sure that's a sin somewhere, but I genuinely don't care. It's 11 at night where I live, I'm watching Caseoh, and I'm listening to old Rihanna, so I'm basically in heaven right now. Also, no, I haven't watched the most recent episode where Ogilvie cries after losing the patient and is found by Whitaker in the Ambuance bay, but I've seen clips on TikTok so this is based off of that. wc. 10,159 (holy shit guys this was so long)
James Ogilvie loves to follow you around.ย
You noticed it on the second or third hour he was there.ย
He was always behind you, even though you werenโt his assigned R2. He asked you multiple questions over multiple minutes, kept looking towards you to see if you caught him correcting dosages and calling out the right names for things, etc.ย
You knew he liked being smarter than most people. That was more than apparent on multiple occasions. So, when he started coming up to you, asking questions once again, to try and show off his knowledge, you had just had about enough.ย
โShould I start fluids?โ
You donโt even look up at first, youโre halfway through a chart, pen moving quickly, mentally juggling three different patients and a lab result youโre still waiting on.
โYeah,โ you say, distracted. โGo ahead.โ
โOkay.โ
It happens again, not ten minutes later. โDo you want me in room three or five?โ
That makes you glance up. Ogilvieโs already standing there, chart in hand, eyes on you. Heโs focused on your face in a way that feels just a little too intent for such a simple question.
โDo whatever you want, Ogilvie. Three is fine,โ you answer.
โGot it.โ He turns immediately, like the decision unlocked something, and disappears down the hall. You frown faintly, but it doesnโt stick; thereโs too much going on to think anything about it.
By mid-shift, itโs constant. Not annoying, not yet exactly, but noticeable in a way that starts to itch at the back of your brain.
โIs this okay?โ, โShould I call for labs?โ, โDo you want me to page cardio?โ, โShould Iโโ
โYes, Ogilvie,โ you say, cutting him off gently but firmly. โThatโs fine.โ
โOkay.โ
Alwaysย okay.
He always responds with okay. An immediate response. โAnd soon enough, heโll be waiting for permission to breatheโ, Cassie told you.ย
โYou realize heโd let you ruin his life if you asked nicely, right?โ The voice slides in from your left, dry and amused.
You donโt need to look to know itโs Trinity Santos. Still, you do. Sheโs leaning against the counter, arms crossed, watching Ogilvie move between rooms with a kind of lazy curiosity. Like sheโs observing something mildly entertaining.
You exhale through your nose. โThatโs dramatic.โ
โIs it?โ she tilts her head. โWatch him.โ
You donโt respond right away, but youย doย watch.ย
โI dare you to call him over here. Say his name and watch him come running.โ Trinity tells you, poking your arm.ย
โThatโs mean, Trinity.โ You say, continuing to watch as Ogilvie looks over at where you two are standing for a moment before looking back at the patient, smiling. โCome onnnn.โ Trinity practically whines. โThe day is almost over, night shift is coming in soon. I want to haveย someย fun before the day is over.โย
You roll your eyes. โYou owe me a white-claw.โ You tell her before calling him over. โOgilvie.โ You barely even raise your voice as he appears almost instantly.
โYeah?โ he asks, a little breathless, as he got there faster than he expected to.
And then he justโฆ waits expectantly. Eyes on you. His shoulders were slightly squared. Hands still. So ready. The realization settles slowly.
You hand him a chart. โTake this one. Initial workup.โ
โOkay,โ he says quickly, already reaching for it. โYeah, Iโve got it.โ
Heโs not incompetent. Not even close. Maybe a little apathetic, but heโs good, careful, and attentive. He notices things other people miss. Which is why what happens next shouldnโt have happened.
A patient comes in just before youโre all supposed to clock out. He complains of having chest pain. Being mid-fifties, you have a fear of it being a heart attack. He looks pale, and heโs sweating buckets, but when he clutches his side like heโs trying to hold something in his body together, your mind shifts to maybe appendicitis.
His vitals arenโt great, but not immediately catastrophic. Theyโre somewhat manageable, and youโve definitely seen worse.
โOgilvie, take point,โ you say, passing him the chart. โRun the initial workup. Iโll check in.โ
โOkay,โ he says again, quick and certain. โYeah.โ Thereโs no hesitation from him and no uncertainty. At first, everything goes exactly as it should. EKG. Labs. Monitoring.
He moves efficiently, calmly, voice steady as he talks the patient through everything. You pass by once, glance in, and see everything under control, so you keep moving. Heโs got this. Heโs not alone either, he has Trinity and Robby.ย
But even with all the help, the patient still crashes.ย
While the patient was quick to get here, the appendicitis had gone too long untreated, and he had succumbed to it. Everyone held a moment of silence for the patient, then tried to clean the room for another.ย
It wasnโt until about 30 minutes later that a few of you realized the obnoxious intern was notโฆhere.ย
โWhereโs Ogilvie?โ Robby asked, looking around the room. All of you shrugged, you included. โGo find him.โ He says, pointing to you.ย
You nod, and as soon as Robby turns his back, you look at Trinity, Cassie, and Perlah, raising your arms in a โwhat?โ gesture and giving them a โwtf why meโ before going off to find wherever the overachiever went.ย
It was warmer outside than in, and you let out a breath as you looked around the ambulance bay.ย
โOgilvie?โ But thereโs no answer. You shrug, figuring, โHey, good enoughโ, and turn to walk back inside. But over the potted plants near the sliding doors, you see a head of blond curls peeking through the greenery. โOgilvie?โ You say again.ย
But heโs quiet. He looks like heโs trying to shrink away. Like, if he stays small enough, he wonโt exist at all.
You step closer now. โJames?โ He finally looks up at you, and you realize that heโs beenโฆcrying. Heโs been crying. Why has he been crying? โWhatโs wrong? Why are you out here? And why are you crying?โ you ask, softer now.ย
He doesnโt answer, he just keeps looking at you. It looks like he doesnโt even know why heโs crying. He doesnโt even know what crying is. He seems as though heโs waiting for you to tell him what this is, whatever heโs feeling. What to do with it, how to fix it.
You hesitate, just for a second, before you decide to sit down beside him. You notice the surgical gown that he hasnโt taken off yet is covered in blood. The concrete is cold through your scrubs, and somewhere behind you, ambulance doors slam.
Neither of you speaks for a long moment; thereโs just the sound of his uneven breathing.ย
โYou canโt save everyone, yโknow? I learned that the hard way.โย
โI didnโt know what to do.โ His voice is quiet. It sounds like it took too much from him to even say that.
You sigh. โYou did,โ you say gently. โYou handled it. It was a tough caseโโ
โI thought if I justโโ he exhales shakily. โIf I did everything Robby said, it would be fine.โ He swallows hard. His hands curl slightly against each other. โCan you justโฆโ he starts, voice barely above a whisper. โTell me what I shouldโve done?โ
The question lands right in your hands. Your instinct is immediate. Answer him.ย Fix it. Fix how heโs feeling, give him something solid to hold onto. But you stop. Because now you see it. The way heโs been leaning on you all day without you even realizing it.
He likes you. A lot. Probably more than just an intern and an R2, whatever an R2 can mean to someone like him. You already know he wants any attention he can get, to be praised and told he did a great job. But you canโt give that to him, you donโt want to give in. You want him to figure this out for himself this time. As you said, you canโt save everyone who comes through those doors.ย
You shake your head. โNo.โ
He flinches at your answer. Confusion replaces the sadness, just for a second. โWhat? Why?โ
You take a breath. โBecause youย doย know what to do, James.โ
He shakes his head and laughs ruefully. โI didnโtโโ
โYou did,โ you interrupt, softer this time. โYou followed Robbyโs orders, right? Sometimes thatโs all we can do.โ
He shakes his head, frustration creeping in. โIf you had been thereโโ
โNo.โ This time, your voice is more firm. โYou canโt keep doing this,โ you say quietly. โYou canโt wait for someone else to tell you how to do your job. Most of the time, youโre figuring it out as you go.โ His shoulders tense, and his gaze drops again. โIโm not always going to be there. And as I said, we canโt promise everyone we will save them.โ
For a second, you think heโs going to shut down again. Retreat back into that quiet, unreachable place of his. But thankfully, he doesnโt. โI just didnโt want to mess it up. Itโฆ.โ He exhales before continuing. โIt sucks to mess up.โย
โHey,โ you say, softer now. He doesnโt look at you, so you nudge his shoulder, gently. โHey. Look at me.โ He does, but heโs reluctant. โYouโre allowed to mess up,โ you tell him. โItโs your first day still, mind you.โย
He frowns immediately, like the concept is foreign to him. โNot like that.โ
โYeah,โ you say quietly. โEven like that.โ He shakes his head; he doesnโt believe you. You exhale slowly. โJamesโฆ you donโt have to get everything right just to be good at this.โ You soften your voice even more. โYou donโt have to earn anything.โ
Thatโs all you say. You two both go back to staying silent, listening to the sounds of the city. The far-off police sirens howling, car horns honking, people on break chatting away as they walk by, coffee in hand.ย
You debate asking your next question, but you had always appreciated it when Dana or Mateo asked. You suck in a breath, looking at Ogilvie, who is still staring at the ground. You do have to admit to yourself that heโs kind of cute. โDo you want to get a drink after shift? I mean,โ you add, a little quieter now, โyou donโt have to. I just thought it might help. It always helps me.โย
He studies your face. You watch his eyes move around as you look back at him. You look at his own eyes before dropping down to his lips and then back up again. He seems like heโs trying to figure out what the right answer is, so you add: โYou can say no.โ
That seems to snap him out of whatever hypnosis heโs in because he replies, โโฆWhy would I?โ he asks, genuinely.
A small, breathy laugh escapes you. โJustโฆthink about it,โ you say, shaking your head slightly. โSlow down before answering right away.โย
You grab your bag from the locker room, rolling your shoulders as you step out into the cool evening air.
The sky is dim, washed in a muted blue-gray that sits just before full dark. The world doesnโt know what just happened inside those walls, and you like it. You always try to separate your home and work life, but now itโs sort of blending as you see Ogilvie.ย
You spot him a few feet away. Heโs standing near the edge of the parking lot, hands shoved awkwardly into his jacket pockets, shoulders slightly hunched like heโs not entirely sure what to do with himself. He looksโฆ out of place. Not in scrubs anymore, not actively working, just standing there, waiting.
For you.
โYou still up for that drink?โ you ask as you approach.
He straightens almost immediately, as the sound of your voice pulls him back into reality.ย
โYeah,โ he says quickly. Then, softer, like heโs correcting himself, โโyeah. If you are.โ
You nod toward the street. โThereโs a place a couple blocks down. Nothing fancy.โ
โThatโs fine,โ he says, falling into step beside you without another question.
The walk is quiet, but itโs not uncomfortable. He asks a question every now and then, and you, being you, answer every time. The city hums around you in low, distant soundsโcars passing, the murmur of people further down the street, the occasional flicker of neon from half-lit storefronts.
Ogilvie keeps his hands in his pockets the whole time.
His shoulders brush yours once, just barely, and he shifts immediately, like heโs not sure if heโs allowed to take up that much space.
You obviously notice, but you donโt say anything. Youโre testing the waters as well, doing this.ย
The bar you arrive at is small. A dimly lit interior spills out onto the sidewalk, warm yellow light cutting through the cool evening air. The sign above the door flickers faintly, and inside, the noises are low. There are soft conversations all around, the clink of glasses, muted music humming somewhere beneath it all.
Itโs not crowded, but there are certainly a lot of people here.ย
โThis okay?โ you ask, glancing at him.
He nods. โYeah. Itโs good.โ Thereโs something almost relieved in his voice. Inside, the air is warmer. It smells faintly of alcohol and wood polish. The lighting is low enough that you can see, but it takes your eyes a few seconds to adjust. You catch a booth in the far corner thatโs free, so you motion towards it.ย
You slide into it, your back to the wall behind you, as James slides into the other thatโs facing you. โWhat do you want?โ you ask, glancing over at him.
He blinks, the question catching him off guard. โUhโฆwhatever youโre getting is fine.โ
You tilt your head slightly. โThatโs not how this works.โ Thereโs the faintest hint of a smile at the corner of your mouth. โPick something.โ
He looks at the menu like itโs more complicated than it should be, like thereโs a right answer hidden somewhere between the lines. โโฆTequila?โ he says finally, uncertain.
โThat works,โ you nod, standing up and stepping out of the booth. โIโll go get us a bottle of Tequila and two shot glasses. Maybe some limes while weโre at it. Iโll be back.โ You give him a small smile and a squeeze on his shoulder.ย
You ask the bartender for two glasses and a full bottle, giving him the money and making your way back over to your quaint little booth. You pour some for Ogilvie and then yourself, counting down the first shot as you knock it back.ย
It goes down easier for you, not as easily for James. The burning sensation crawls down your throat, and itโs just enough to make you feel a little better about today. Across from you, James coughs slightly after his, his shoulders tensing before he exhales, a little surprised.
โOkay?โ you ask, amused.
โYeah,โ he says quickly, clearing his throat. โYeah, thatโsโyeah.โ
You huff a quiet laugh before pouring more liquid into the two shot glasses and knocking it back again. James handles it a little better this time around. โSo,โ you say, resting your elbow on the table, your chin propped lightly in your hand. โDo you always do that?โ
He blinks. โDo what?โ
โLook at me like youโre waiting for something.โ
His face flushes almost immediately. It creeps up from his collar to his cheeks, quick and unmistakable. โI donโtโโ he starts, then stops. โI meanโI didnโt realize I wasโโ
โYou were,โ you say, not unkindly. โAll day.โย
He looks down at the bar, fingers brushing lightly against the rim of his glass. โSorry.โ
You reach out without really thinking about it, and your hand lands lightly on his forearm. Warm and solid. It makes him still instantly. โHey,โ you say, softer now. โDonโt apologize. Itโs fine.โ
He glances up at you, clearly thrown offโnot just by the words, but by the contact. You can feel it under your hand, the way his muscles tense, the way he seems to freeze for a second, like he doesnโt know what to do with it. โYou donโt have to apologize for everything,โ you add.
He swallows. His gaze flickersโnot away, butย down, just briefly, like heโs aware of how close you are now. Of your hand still resting on him.
โOkay,โ he says quietly. โNo more apologizing.โย
You donโt move your hand right away, and you donโt really want to. Thereโs something about him like thisโflustered, a little overwhelmed, trying so hard to get it right even nowโthat pulls at you in a way you werenโt expecting.
You pull your hand back eventually, letting it drop to the table, fingers brushing against your own glass. โAnother?โ you ask.
He nods. By the third shot, thereโs a looseness to him now, a slight delay in his reactions, like heโs not filtering himself as carefully. His shoulders arenโt as tight. His posture isnโt as rigid.
And when he looks at you, it lingers, just a little longer than before. You notice. Of course you do.
โYouโre staring,โ you say lightly, a hint of a smile tugging at your mouth. His eyes widen slightly.
โIโno, I wasnโtโI meanโโ
โYou were,โ you interrupt, softer this time.
He huffs out a small, nervous breath. Then, after a second, he responds with โโฆSorry. Youโre justโฆreally pretty.โย
You laugh. You actually laugh this time. And without thinking, you reach out again, your hand brushing his arm this time. โJames.โ You tilt your head slightly, studying him. โYou know,โ you say, voice dipping just a little, โyouโre allowed to look at me.โ Your gaze drops briefly to his mouth.
When you look back up, heโs already looking at you, and thereโs something new in it. Something that wasnโt there before. You lean in, just a fraction. Itโs not enough to cross the line, but itโs certainly enough to make heat start to curl in your stomach and between your thighs.
Your hand lifts again, this time settling more deliberately against his shoulder, your fingers curling slightly into the fabric of his shirt. And theย bestย part of all of this is that he lets you do it. Heโs so willing in this situation. Always so willing.ย
Your heart kicks a little harder in your chest because suddenly, itโs not about whether youย can,ย itโs more about whether youย should.
โJames,โ you murmur.
His name sounds different like this. You like the name, James. It suits him. โYeah?โ he breathes. Heโs looking at you as if you askedโ
But you stop the thought before it can continue as your mind remembers Trinityโs voice echoing in your head.ย You realize heโd let you ruin his life if you asked nicely, right?ย Your grip on his shoulder softens. You donโt pull away, but you donโt close the distance either. Instead, your thumb brushes lightly against him, against the collar of his throat, and you watch as his Adamโs apple bobs in response.ย
You smileโjust a little. โSlow down,โ you say quietly.
He blinks, clearly not expecting that. โWhat?โ he asks, a little dazed.ย
You chuckle. โNothing,โ you say, leaning back just slightly, enough to give him space. โJustโฆ donโt let me make all your decisions tonight, okay?โ
โโMโnot.โ He says, shaking his head. โI promise.โย
โIf you say so.โ You release his shirt, and he slumps back against the booth.ย
The night stretches as you keep pouring the Tequila. Youโve moved from sitting across from him to sitting next to him now. You look at him while he talks, your face resting in your hand that leans on the table.ย
Every time he tries to make eye contact with you, he sees youโre already looking at him, so his eyes go back to the wall or the window or just something else thatโs not you. You clearly make him nervous.ย
And heโs cute when heโs nervous. Really cute. Itโs not just the alcohol talking.ย
Your foot finds his leg under the table, and you begin to move it up and down, slowly. You watch as he stumbles over his words, his hand going to your thigh. But then youโre quick to pull your shoe away, and he looks more sad than he was in the ambulance bay.ย
He leans in to kiss you, but you stop him, shaking your head. โMmm. Keep talking. I like listening.โ You tell him, and he nods, continuing with his story about something stupid he did as a teenager that was a dare from his friends.ย
Your hand goes to his thigh, and you look up at him. Heโs biting his lower lip and looking up towards the ceiling. He wonโt look at you.ย
โTell me if this is not okay, okay?โ You tell him, reaching your free hand up to grab his chin, forcing him to look down at you.ย
โMhm.โ He nods vigorously.ย
โWords.โ You reply.ย
โO-okay.โ He tells you.ย
You smile, nodding. โGood. Keep going.โ You lean into him as he begins to talk once more, and you press your lips against the side of his throat. At the same time, your hand slides higher, and you hear him choke. Your lips curl into another smile against his skin, and you go even higher, reaching the top of his jeans.ย
โIs this okay?โ You ask him, breaking away from him for a moment. โShit. I shouldโve asked before this but are you clean?โย
โYes and yes.โ He says, looking as though heโs in bliss and youโve barely touched him. One of his hands finds yours and slowly begins to guide it between his thighs. Heโs breathing fast, his chest moving up and down quickly as he continues to slowly move your hand along.ย
When you finally make contact with the bump of his jeans, he lets out an audible sigh and a โfuckโ. His shoulders shake as he lets out a small, humorless laugh. Itโs more like a breath of relief as he pulls down his fly, and you sneak your hand underneath the fabric of his boxers.ย
Heโs heavy in your hand as you grasp him, and above you, James gasps as your stomach twists with butterflies. โGood. I am too. Shhhh.โ You have to tell him, trying to remind him that you are both still in a bar.ย
โIโm sorry. Iโm sorry.โ He apologizes. Your thumb comes up to swipe over his tip, and his knee makes contact with the table, and it makes you laugh, burying your face into his neck. โFuck, Iโm sorry,โ he apologized again, and you shook your head.ย
โItโs okay. But if you want me to keep going, I think we should leave here.โย
He just nods, scrambling to re-button his pants and make sure you two both look like you didnโt just give the start of a hand job, before you guys walk out of the small bar.ย
The walk back to your apartment feels like the slowest thing in the world. Youโre both walking side by side, obviously, on the sidewalk as you reach for his hand. He lets you take it, but heโs hesitant about it still.ย
He doesnโt touch you in any way besides that. He still has a hard-on in his pants, and youโre trying your best to quickly get back home to finish this up, but youโre both still slightly stumbling and bumping into each other.ย
Which is why youโre so incredibly grateful when you finally reach the front door of your brownstone.ย
You pull him inside, immediately connecting his lips with yours, and kicking the door shut. โJesus Christ.โ You sigh into his mouth, grabbing at his clothes. His hands are still by his side, even though you know he wants this too. โWhatโs wrong?โ You ask, pulling away. You wipe the spit from your lips, your chest heaving.ย
โWhat? Nothingโs wrong.โ He pants, moving in to kiss you again, but you stop him with a hand to his chest.ย
โYouโre not touching me.โ You state, plain as day.ย
He looks down at his hands. โOh, I.. โcause I didnโt know if you wanted me to. O-or not.โย
โOf course I want you to.โย
โOkay. Okay.โ He says, leaning in to try and kiss you again, and this time you let him. You grab his hands too, putting them on your hips. You can feel him shaking and hear his shaky breathing as he exhales.ย
โWhyโre you so nervous, hm?โ You ask him and he honestly doesnโt know. James Ogilvie is not a nervous person. But by god as soon as he gets a pretty girl in front of himโฆit all goes to shit. He canโt think of any other words except for โokayโ and โyesโ and โfuckโ. He thinks about if you would like it if he called you โmaโamโ but he doesnโt voice that out loud.ย
โDonโt know.โ he replies.ย
โItโs okay. You donโt have to be nervous with me.โ You smile, trying to make him feel a little more at ease. โOr are you nervous becauseโฆyouโve neverโฆare you a virgin?โย
He bites his bottom lip, looking down at you. โUmโฆI mean, Iโve neverโฆIโve gotten likeโฆha-hand jobs before but neverโฆโย
โOh.โ You say, understanding. โOkay, thatโs okay. Do you want me to fix that, or would you rather just take it slow?โย
โI want you to fix it. Please?โ He begs. And he just begs so nicely that you canโt say no, really. So, you grab him by the hand and lead him to the living room, gently pushing his shoulders, urging him to sit down on the couch.ย
You kiss him again, and he whines against your lips as your tongue glides with his. Heโs still so hesitant to touch you, and you have to grab his hands again to tell him itโs okay to touch you.ย
โJames, you can touch me whenever you want. Itโs okay.โ You reassure him.ย
โI know, I know. I-I justโฆโย
โDo you like it when I tell you what to do?โ You ask the question thatโs been on your mind all day, even though you absolutely, with no doubt in your mind, know he does. He likes it when anyone tells him what to do. He likes it when heโs praised for doing a good job, he likes it when heโs asked questions he can easily answer, and he even likes it when Trinity says some sort of sarcastic comment towards him because it means at leastย someoneย is paying attention to him.ย
He nods, looking up at you. His hands rest on your hips, too scared to move them away from where you placed them.ย
โCan I tell you something?โ You swallow, leaning back. โI think youโre pathetic-โ
โSo pathetic,โ He whispers, his head coming forward to bury itself in your stomach.
โTake your pants off for me, yeah?โ You ask him, and you watch as he unbuttons his jeans and pulls down his fly, his thumbs catching the hem of his pants and ever so slowly pulling the fabric downwards. Your breath stutters as his skin and blond, coarse hair are gradually revealed right in front of your eyes, the hemline making a mouthwatering triangle shape that runs alongside the lines of his Adonis belt.ย
โJesus, Ogilvie.โ You whisper, watching the show. You figured he was at least somewhat lean, as he had a tenancy, whether intentional or not, to show off his biceps as he hauled a patient off a stretcher onto an actual bed, or helped Robby restrain someone, etc. But you didnโt know he wasย thisโฆwellโฆjacked.ย
When he stops just at the very base of his cock, it takes you a second to realize heโs waiting for you to tell him to keep going. Your eyes flick down to look at him, slowly running his thumb along the slope of flesh peeking out of the blond curls.ย
Oh fuck, how did you even get to this point right now? And why are you so wet already?ย
โKeep going.โย
Heโs immediately using his other hand to reach inside and shift up just a bit before he eases his cock out of his pants by cupping his balls and letting the fabric hooked in his thumb rest under them before he shuffles the fabric all the way down his legs, resting at his feet.ย
Heโs already half hard for you, already thick as he carefully lowers himself back down again onto the cushions. Heโs pretty. He looksโฆgood. His cock looks really nice.ย
God, you want him in your mouth. You have no idea why thatโs your first thought. Okay, well, no, thatโs not exactly true- you knowย exactlyย why thatโs your first thought, especially when you can physically see him getting harder and harder right in front of you, watching her trace his fingers down his shaft and lazily brush them over the head.ย
โIโฆdo you not want toโฆdo thisโฆanymore?โ He asks, out of breath. The head of his cock lies against his stomach. His hands go back to your hips and tighten on them, his breathing subtly picking up.
โWhat? God, no. I just want to look at you. Youโre so pretty.โ You settle into his lap, feeling his cock brush against your cunt through your pants. His hands are now on your sides. โDid you know that? And I want to help you forget about today.โ You catch the fabric of his shirt near his neck.ย
โIโve been told once or twice.โ He says, trying to be funny, but he stops trying when you yank his collar to the side and lick a slow, hot, wet line up his throat. โIโฆI-fuck- thatโฆyou feel goodโฆandโฆandโฆI want you to help me forget-โย
His breath catches when you bite down on the thick cord of muscle that connects his neck to his shoulder. He murmurs your name when you reach between the two of you and wrap your hand around his hard cock.ย
โI really want to fuck you,โ you whisper against his skin, feeling him shudder under your lips as you slowly pull your hand up nd down the thick length of him. โBut right now, I think you should lie back and let me suck your cock for a little bit. What do you think?โย
He doesnโt answer with words, but he throbs under your hand, and his body is surprisingly malleable as you urge him to move back more, just enough for you to slip between his already spread enough legs. You keep stroking him the entire time, sucking marks down his neck.ย
At one point or another, you decide that his not having his shirt off isnโt sufficient enough, so you reach down and pull it up from the bottom, lifting up up up- up until he does the rest, pulling it over his head and letting it fall somewhere on the floor.ย
Your free hand rests gently on his soft abs, and you lean your head up to whisper against his lips, โWill you let me suck your cock, James?โย
โNo oneโs everโฆhow do you even know youโll-โย
โLike it? Thatโs up for me to decide. You just lean back and take it, okay? I know you like to be told what to do, so shut up and listen, okay?โย
โOkay.โ He nods; his back is now right up against the sofa cushions. โIs it- h-how do you- does it always feel this good?โย
โYouโre a doctor intern. You tell me. Youโre smart enough to figure it out.โ You tell him, beginning to slide down his body.ย
โI-yeah, yeah, youโre right.โย
The warmth that settles in the pit of your stomach is intensified by the clear drop of precum shining at the tip of his cock, which is now achingly swollen and a shade darker in color than a few seconds ago. โKeep talking,โ you whisper. โI like hearing you stutter over your words.โย
And then you slide his head into your mouth and let your tongue flutter gently along his frenulum. Ogilvie instantly goes rigid and grabs a fistful of the couchโs armrest, his back arching a little and his head peering up towards the ceiling. You hum as you taste his precum, slowly brushing your tongue over his tip to see if you can get any more out of him like this without going deeper.ย
โFuck-โ he whines while lifting his hips, every muscle in his body tensing under you. โY-your mouth is- fuck-โ he gasps when you gently swirl circles around the pulsing head, his open palm circles around the pulsing head, his open palm coming down hard on the cushion beside him with a dull thud. โ-fuck, your mouth is s-so, fe-feels so good.โย
You pop off of him, and he whimpers. Heย actuallyย whimpers, and that just makes you more delirious with pleasure as you look up at him. He looks down at you at the same time, stomach pushing up and down as he breathes heavily.ย
โIโve barely touched you.โ You smile, sliding your hands down to take off his shoes and then his jeans, throwing them somewhere you couldnโt care less about at this moment. You take him back into your mouth, and he moans, jerking forward as you open your jaw and take him down a few inches so he can really feel your throat. Youโre satisfied when his head falls back, and his hands go to your hair.ย
Heโs gentle, so so gentle. As much as you donโt want to admit it, you do get why heโs only had a hand job. Heโs not the most friendly person, but he grows on you. Takes a while, but he does.ย
You slowly begin bobbing up and down, dragging the flat of your tongue along the underside of his shaft and getting him nice and wet. His thighs almost feel like stones heโs strained so hard. You can only get around half of him in your mouth without straining for it, so you soon lift off him and start coating your palm and fingers in spit. His head rears immediately, exposed chest heaving as he watches. You never knew he was this big.
โYouโre so tense, James,โ you murmur, reaching down and starting to jerk him with your slick hand. He doesnโt relax into it; instead, he straightens his back even more, his hips starting to thrust into your grip. โDo you want me to stop?โย
โFuck, no. Please donโt do that. Donโt stop. I justโฆI want to ple-please you so bad.โ He moans, the exact opposite of relaxed. โYou-โย
โThis is all about you, James.โย
โBut I read once that-โ he cuts himself off with a groan when you take him back down again, only deeper this time. And then he relents and starts slowly fucking into your mouth, gradually rolling his hips further and further with every thrust. One hand fists itself into the blanket while the other holds your hair back as you open your throat and work the rest of his length.ย
When you take him down as far as you can, and you drop your free hand to cradle his balls, Ogilvie just about loses his mind.ย
โC-can I fuck you? At some point? Pl-please?โ He starts rasping at the ceiling. โPlease, l-let me please you too? I-I want to make you feel go-good too, like youโre doing to meโฆโย
You hold there and swallow around his thick cock, letting your other hand slither down between your own legs and start rubbing your clit. Thank god you were wearing an easy pair of pants that you could slip your hand into. He probably canโt see you do it from this angle, but it feels so much better this way, regardless, having him as far down as your throat as possible and listening to him babble while you touch yourself.ย
The sound you make pulling off him to breathe isnโt necessarily the most attractive thing in the world, but with the way he groans and tugs your hair gently in response, youโd think it was the sexiest thing heโs ever heard. You keep jerking this throbbing cock and rubbing circles around your lit, before moving down to take one of his balls into your mouth.ย
His grip tightens, along with the soft skin under your tongue. โW-wait, wait, wait, stop, st-stop I donโt-โย
You look up at him. Heโs covered in a thin sheen of sweat, and everything about him is unbearably stiff, even with the way his body is sprawled out, and his chest rocks up and down with exertion. You obviously pull off of him again, not wanting to go against his wishes and continue.ย
It might be too much for him, seeing as this is his first time getting head, and he might need a break. That or he doesnโt want to continue anymore. Which in that case, youโll help him clean up and make sure heโs okay.ย
โS-sorry, I just- I was-โ he gasps, โI wa-I was about to cum-โย
โI want you to cum,โ you murmur, blinking up at him and dragging your tongue up the length of his swollen, throbbing cock. โThatโs why Iโm doing this.โย
โI didnโt know if I- if I was allowed to.โย
โYou what?โ You ask, spitting on him.ย
โIf I ha-had to ask. I know some girls donโt like it.โย
โYou donโt have to ask me, Ogilvie.โ But suddenly it comes clearer to you. He loves asking. He wants to ask if he has permission to cum for you. You look at his face, and your lips spread into a smile. โOhhhh. Youย likeย asking, donโt you?โ And he nods in response. โWhat did I say about words?โย
โYes. Yes, I like asking.โย
You get another idea too and decide to push him. โYes, what?โย
โY-yesโฆmaโam?โย
โThere you go.โ You kiss his thighs, and it makes him whine. โI want you to cum for me, okay?โย
โOkay.โ He whines, nodding as you start to gently suck on his tip and look up at him innocently after telling him you want to swallow his load. Maybe he couldโve stopped the way his balls suddenly pull up tight, the way his grip on your hair turns to steel, and his head rolls to the side.ย
Thereโs a subtle shift of his head too, and you finally know that he can see your hand moving between your legs. You can tell because he makes a sort of sob/choking sound and his stomach flexes.ย
โO-oh fuck. Iโm cumming, I-Iโm gonna cum.โ He warns you, and then heโs cumming down your throat exactly like you wanted. Thereโs a second between the moment of detonation and the explosive result of it. Itโs just enough time for him to slowly tilt his chin up and let out the smallest, quietest moan youโve heard from him this whole night before his cock starts throbbing on your tongue, his balls working to steadily pump cum up his shaft.ย
You pull up a little bit, swirling circles around his head as the first spurt hits your tongue, moaning at the taste of him, which makes him hoarsely whine your name. You swallow everything he gives you until heโs trembling on your couch.ย
You suck on him a little longer after that, and just look at how stunning his body is exposed and spread out for you on the couch like this. โIf-if you keep doing that, Iโm go-gonna get hard again,โ he eventually tells you, his voice coming out sounding like sandpaper in his throat.ย
You hum and finally pull off of him. โYou like overstimulation too, huh?โ You lean down and bite at his hipbone, which has him jerking in response.ย
โIs it that obvious?โ He asks you, smiling a little as you crawl back up his frame into his lap.ย
โCan I test it?โย
โCan I eat you out first?โย
โYou still want to? I figured youโd be a little too tired.โ You push some of his curls out of his face.ย
โGod no,โ he shakes his head, looking at you still in your clothes. โPlease, can I eat you out? Please? Please, please, please,โ he begs you, kissing your neck.ย
โYeah, baby.โ You nod, your hands tangling into his hair before heโs standing both of you up.ย
โCan we go to your bedroomโฆor is that off limits?โ he jokes, and you laugh a little.ย
โNo, itโs not off limits. Come on.โย
You hear yourself take one shaky breath as you stand, grabbing his hand and guiding him behind you to the last door in the hallway to the right. You donโt get too far into the room before heโs closing the door and pushing you up against it. He kisses you and moans when he tastes himself on your tongue.ย
โCould you take off your shirt?โ He whispers, his hands coming down to the hem of it. Heโs gotten bolder with his handling. You nod, and he slowly lifts your shirt, his fingertips grazing your skin, which makes you shudder in response. โPants too?โ He asks, and you nod.ย
Once your shirt is thrown off, he drops to his knees and begins to take off your pants along with your underwear. He presses his lips to your hipbone, and you groan. He looks up at you with his brown eyes, and you have to bite your lip to suppress a moan.ย
โDonโt tease me. I didnโt tease you.โย
โIโm not teasing,โ he says, kissing the tops of your thighs. โI would never tease you.โย
Thatโs when he finally makes contact with your cunt, and you hiss. You look down at him, your hand tangled in his curls, as a soft, dexterous heat slowly envelopes your clit. It nearly hurts with how good it feels. You were so focused on giving Ogilvie pleasure that you didnโt realize just how pent up you were. The noise you make is indescribable in its obscenity. His mouth is a furnace, a slick furnace between your folds, and his tongue comes out like velvet to flutter gently over your clit, humming low in his throat as he tastes you for the first time.ย
This feels amazing. It feels like heaven, having him on his knees like this for you. He knows as much about you as you do about him, which is absolutely nothing, as this is his first month in the ER as an intern. But you both now know the taste of each otherโs pleasure, which has to count for something.ย
โJamesโฆoh, fuck-โ Your words are barely discernible. His fingers curl against your thighs, his tongue starting to swirl gentle circles around your swollen clit. Your hips almost feel like theyโre doing too much to seek out more pleasure, rutting against his mouth. But he seems to like it, moaning each time it happens. And he keeps his eyes on you the entire time. โI thought you said you were a virgin.โ You ask him, but itโs not really a question, more of a statement.ย
Part of you doesnโt want him to answer, because that means heโll have to stop whatever heโs doing with his mouth to give you this much pleasure. โI am,โ he says, licking his lips. โDoesnโt mean I havenโt read a book or two to know what most women like. Can I use my fingers?โย
You nod, out of breath. โYeah. Use your fingers.โ And you nearly combust as he sinks two of his fingers deep inside your cunt. โOh-f-fuck-โ You canโt tell if the short, rough little growl he makes into your warmth is from the way your fingers feel tugging on his hair or the way you feel clamped around his own, but it still rocks down your spine and sparks lightning deep inside nonetheless. It doesnโt matter, because he pulls them out and then pushes them back in again, doing it steadily over and over, until youโre sweating, hips arching in presentation.ย
He continues to lick his hot tongue through your folds and finger fuck you, so utterly slow and steadfast that youโre so close to just completely pulling him back up to his feet and riding him until heโs past the point of tears.ย
You feel something wicked beginning to burn in your core, spreading along the muscles in your pelvis. It rises up through your abdomen like high tide, seeps down into your knees, and wraps around them. Your breathing gets more shallow.
โIโm gonna cum,โ you breathe, everything inside you quickly pulling up fierce and tight, your chest heaving, and your grip in his hair turning to iron. โ-oh fuck, James, Iโm g-gonna cum- I-โย
But then his mouth leaves you at the same time his fingers do, and thereโs a split-second delay in his rhythm before both his mouth and his fingers come back- only his fingers feel a bit slicker than they did moments before.ย
Something about it hits you just right, settles down low, and locks your hips in position. โYes, fuck right there, right there!โย
A quiet whine rumbles low in his throat, and then he takes a second to softly suck on your clit as if he could pull it out of you that way. His fingers curl, press up hard against something that almost makes your knees buckle, and you have to stifle a yelp when your body suddenly erupts in searing hot pleasure above him.ย
Your back arches away from the door, and a white light flashes, your thighs going rigid and your pussy flooding itself between your legs. You shatter, cumming in his mouth, wailing his name while he moans and whines raggedly and drags you through it. Itโs hot and wet, and everything feels like itโs not important, just you and everything heโs giving to you.ย
Things slowly return to you one by one; his tongue still fluttering against your clit, the angle of his fingers still touching that spot within you. The solid weight of him between your knees helps to somewhat ground you, and you realize that your fingers are clamped tight in his hair.ย
You loosen up your grip on his scalp, and he slowly pulls out of your swollen heat and holds your thighs open with wet fingers, pausing to give your sensitive clit a few more gentle sucks, and only lets go once you tap on his head to stop.ย
Youโre still trying to calm your breathing when he stands and kisses your face all over before pressing his lips to yours. You can taste yourself on him as you feel his fingers fumble with your bra clip.ย
He takes it off successfully and drops it to the ground. You notice that heโs moving his hips against your thigh, groaning quietly to himself. You watch him rub his hardening cock against your skin, and his head slowly tips back at the sensation.ย
โWi-will you let me- ju-just for a second, let me put it in? Ngh- righ-right now?โ His breathing stutters, hips beginning to rock against yours. โLet me-f-feel you?โย
For being such an asshole, he becomes such a pleaser when heโs rubbing his hard cock against you, doesnโt he? You donโt even respond, just desperately start moving off and away from the door towards your bed. His exhale is shaky as he follows, his hands grasping at your hips.ย
God dammit, you never thought sex with Ogilvie could feel this good. You and Trinity, as well as Victoria, a little bit, all made bets on who is the best in bed. Of course, it was just between the three of you; it never went any further than that. Occasionally, Dennis would join in, but that was it.ย
You had told them all that you know for an absoluteย factย that Jack Abbott and Cassie McKay were the best in bed. Parker Ellis, too, and Emery Walsh. Trinity said there was no way Dr. McKay was good in bed, as she hadnโt had any tail since Chad. Trinity voted for Yolanda and, against her better judgment, Langdon. But you told her Yolanda doesnโt count, as she knows Yolanda is good in bed.ย
Dennis said Dana looks like sheโd be good, and Robby, too. Victoria said Langdon as well as Cassie.ย
But all four of you agreed strongly that thereโs no way with that attitude and know-it-all behavior, Ogilvie was good in bed. God, were you so wrong.ย
The bed is soft underneath you, and it doesnโt take long for Ogilvie to follow suit. โShit,โ he huffs, breaking away from you. โI-I donโt know..โย
โWhat to do? Yeah, I know.โ You said before switching positions, so youโre now on top. โIโll show you. Thatโs what good R2โs do, right?โ You bury your face into his neck and reach your hand down between you two, stroking his cock again. He sucks in a deep breath, his body jerking when you grab onto his cock and downright purr into the crook of his neck when you find him rock hard and throbbing.ย
โR-right maโam.โ He whines.ย
You move so youโre hovering slightly above him, your legs on either side of him. Your hips move forward, engulfing the hard underside of him between your slick, swollen lips. His entire body shudders at the blazing heat of you, and he grits a curse when you gradually begin to move back and forth along the thick length of him.
โSuch a good boy.โ You whisper, your hands coming to press down on his shoulders as your hips drag against his, sliding his cock through your drenched slit, pressing a gentle kiss to his neck. โYou still okay? Iโm on birth control, so Iโm just going to-โย
โYe-yes. Iโm still okay-โ He gasps, tilting his head to give you more room and hands coming down to clamp tight over your hips, โfuck, Iโm- Iโm so good. Please do it. I do-donโt care.โย
โGood,โ you breathe into the crook of his neck, grinding your pussy against his throbbing cock. You gasp, tightening your hold around him as your clit drags over his thick erection. โSuch a good listener, too. When you want to be.โย
โFuck, thank you,โ he whines, slowly tipping his head back. โPlease, please donโt tease me. Iโve been go-good, lik-like you said.โย
โI know,โ you whine too, rolling your hips along his body.ย
โYou-โ James cuts himself off abruptly with a groan, his grip turning to steel on your hips. โIโll always listen to you.โ His fingers dig into your hips so hard, youโre forced to immediately stop gliding your pussy over him. One of your hands moves to clamp down over his shoulder while the other threads through the thick locks at the base of his neck. You pull your hips up and tilt them just a bit, just enough to position the tip of his cock at your entrance.ย
You bite his neck and slowly start to sink onto him. He lets out a choked cry as you shove your cunt the rest of the way down his thick cock and thenย further,ย pressing him up so far inside you with such a chaotic movement that he lets out a sob next to your ear.ย
Fuck, he hits amazingly sweet from this angle. He stretches you and fills you spectacularly, forces you to yield to him while you breathe heavy through your nose, wondering how dark a bruise heโll have on his neck from your bites and kisses.ย
Ogilvie likes it, though. You can tell. His hand comes up to the back of your neck, silently asking you to lean down and kiss him while you gradually begin to pull your hips up, clamp down around him as hard as you can, and slowly drag his thick cock out of your cunt. He likes this. He likes feeling your teeth in his neck while you start to fuck yourself on him.ย
โOh my god,โ he nearly spits, his hand squeezing your thigh hard enough to leave a mark. You honestly shouldโve given him a moment to adjust to you, to feel you, but you had completely forgotten this was his first time from the way he had made you cum seconds earlier. โF-fuck this is- god this feels amazing- ho-holy fuck.โย
You whimper, also thinking how good it feels. How the head of his cock is pushed up tight against your G-spot, spreading wildfire in your lower belly and seeping through your pelvis and into your upper thighs. You just started, and itโs already becoming a hassle for you. But fuck, you grind the head of his cock slowly and hard inside you and try not to dig your nails into his arms where your fingers are clutching tight.ย
โIs this what you think about wh-when you look at me at work like that?โ You whisper, already half out of your mind with the aching bliss, saying whatever the fuck comes into your head first and not thinking anything past it. โWhen I guide your hands on a patient or when I praise you for getting a diagnosis right, hm?โย
โYes,ย yes god yes!โ He sobs, his hips jerking up into yours almost unintentionally with the sentiment. โOh, my god.โย
โAnd will you be thinking of this?โ you moan, starting to move as best you can with his thrusts. His fingers are scraping down your back, the pleasure obviously being too much for him. It just adds to the slowly building pleasure inside you until itโs simmering and burning under your skin. โThe next time I tell you โgood saveโ or when I guide your hands again? I bet you will. You really are that pathetic, arenโt you?โย
โYes, maโam.โ He cries, but itโs way too breathless. โI-Iโm not gonna last- I ca-anโt-โย
You can hear how wet you are. Your pussy is nearly drowning him now, slick and hot and drenched as you roll your hips up and down on top of him. โDoes me talking like that turn you on?โ You murmur, breathing hot air onto his neck and riding his cock slow and steady.ย
He canโt make any sounds anymore. No more words come from his mouth as your hand comes up to dig into his cheeks, forcefully opening his mouth. Only moans and whines grace your ears.ย
You watch as his stomach tenses up again, and you know heโs about to cum. You lift off of him and delight in his confused reaction. โWha-what? Whyโd you do that? I was so close, please! Are you kidding me-โ
He cuts himself off with a grunt as you slowly sink back onto him. Your cunt tightens around him, and the power trip youโre experiencing from this is starting to get to your head, you fear. You feel brash. Reckless and bold, and it translates into a quicker pace of your hips, shoving down onto him at the apex of his thrusts upwards and hitting a spot inside you that he had somehow found with his fingers as well.ย
โAnswer my question,โ you pant, still holding his jaw.ย
โWhatย que-question?โ God, heโs so drunk on you, he canโt even remember what you had asked of him.ย
โDoes it turn you on? To hear me talking like that? Calling you pathetic for following me around all day like a little lost puppy? Do you rub one out in the bathroom after each shift with me?โย
โYouโre- fuck-โ He drags his nails down your arms, leaving marks. โYouโre asking if itโฆif it tu-turnsย me on to hear you tell me what a good job I did?โย
โI us-used to think about it,โ You gasp, your eyes squeezing shut and just trying to breathe through it. โSome-sometimes. I knew it got to you in a different way than it would just from being praised normally. Used to get off thinking about it. Used to think about you, like this, and touch myself and make myself cum on the floor of my apartment.โย
The sound he makes is one you havenโt heard yet. You watch as his face contorts into pleasure and he begins to tell you heโs about to cum again. You slip off of him once more, and he fully whines this time. It turns into a string of curse words as he nearly sobs into the air and desperately claws at you.ย
You finally decide to let him cum once you know he wonโt automatically do it as you slip him back inside you. Your hips donโt give his cock time to realize that heโs back inside of you as you just begin moving at a rapid pace. Your thighs hurt, theyโre on fire, but the sounds coming from him make your motivation skyrocket.ย
He full-on fuckingย sobsย now, his chest heaving as he cries. You look down at him, and he looks beautiful, really. He looks so fucking good as he cries for you, whining and whimpering and sobbing your name as you move on him.ย
Itโs fucking debilitating. Itโs madness. The pleasure flowing through both of you feels like youโre about to explode. You just dig your nails into his shoulders and listen as he cries brokenly for you at the ceiling, letting his hips collide roughly with yours as you fuck him down hard into the mattress of your bed.ย
Your mouth is at his neck as you grit the words darkly against his throat. โFuck, youโre amazing. Youโre so good. Such a good boy, listening to me, doing exactly what I tell you to do.โย
โIโm-โ He gasps, eyes screwed up so tight you donโt notice the tear slipping down his cheek. You lean down to lick it. โItโs ca-cause I like you.โย
โFuck- ofย courseย you do. All those longing looks from across the nurseโs station while I talk to Trinity. You think I didnโt notice those? Youโre not as bright as you say you are, are you? Hm?โ Fuck, heโs hard and throbbing, and he probably can barely hear you over the sound of his crying, so fucking close to the edge and begging for you. โIf you want me that bad, next time take me to the bathroom and beg me to get on my knees for you.โย
You shift your weight so you can use one of your hands to grab his and lead it down between your legs. โCome on, Ogilvie. Come on. I know you can do it. Make me cum, and Iโll let you cum too, m'promise.โ You feel like you canโt even breathe anymore. โDoes that sound good?โย
โYe-yes.โ He wails, beginning to rub tight circles over your clit and pounding directly into your G-spot with such precision and force, your eyes roll back, and white-hot pleasure licks its way up your spine.ย
โFuck, Iโm gonna cum, James,โ you whisper, your voice frantic and rushed and breathless as your hands plant themselves on either side of his head. Everything inside you suddenly pulls up sharp and burning, and youโre already starting to bear down on him, starting to slowly squeeze his cock and tighten down hard in preparation for it. โIโm gonna cum, James, you-youโre gonna make me cum-โย
He begins to babble, but you donโt hear him. Everything is suddenly drowned out by the roaring of blood rushing through your ears, your body locking down so fucking tight around him. Ogilvie keeps going as your orgasm slams through you with such force that your voice cracks. He rubs at your clit and makes sure with the right amount of pressure for you, which forces you even higher through the explosive pleasure and muttering filth about how gorgeous you are, how heโll never stop looking at you across the Nurseโs station, how he wants to make you cum so many more times, but he canโt hold it back-ย
โIโm gonna cum, fuck, please can I cum?! Please? Please, Iโve been good this who-whole time, please,โ he cries and whimpers, stuttering to a halt inside you. You can feel him swollen and throbbing hard inside you now that heโs still. Can I- can I cu-cum inside you? Please? Oh fuck, please? I canโt, I canโt hold it anymore, I can-โย
โYes,โ you gasp, not needing anything else. โPlease.โ He can cum wherever the fuck he wants to. His body jolts with pleasure beneath you, and a sob tears itself from his throat as he immediately does as heโs told. He cums, spurting thick ropes of his warmth inside you and gasping out curses and thank youโs.ย
His entire body is spasming as it happens, and you hear him whimper your name as he lets go. When Ogilvieโs body finally stops shaking, and he slows down your movements with his hands on your hips, you wait a few seconds before asking.
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the idea of dennis not really having any girl friends when he was younger and also growing up with only brothers so sometimes trinity says stuff and he's like ๐ฆ what. like he makes her laugh really hard and she's like "oh my god huckleberry, stop making me laugh or i'm gonna pee" and he's like what the fuck do you mean
โค ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ - one shot
ian mckinley x shy!photographer!reader
tags : fluff, reader is very awkward, mention of the cry_wolf movie, reader and ian are both loners.
request from @rikisluv
a/n: one request down. one more to go. (stay tuned for a perry miller fic)
You sat on the bleachers, looking over the empty football field, your camera lying in your lap. Lunch period just began so you decided to head outside to eat lunch alone. It wasnโt unusual for you to do stuff like this. You preferred to be alone. Anyways, the cafeteria was way too loud.
It was still early in the school year, the weather was beautiful. Warm air surrounding you but with a soft breeze, hinting at autumnโs arrival. You picked up your camera, lifting it up so your eye was level with the viewfinder.
You took a few photos of the field, zooming in on the goal posts. You kept taking shots of the scenery for a few minutes, getting some good pictures. Eventually, lunch period was ending, so you got up to walk back over to the school.
As you approached the entrance you heard a voice behind you.
โNice camera.โ
You turned around, seeing Ian McKinley standing there.
โSorry, were you talking to me?โ You asked.
โWell, youโre the only one around. So Iโd assume so.โ He replied, sarcastically
โRightโฆโ You muttered. โThanks.โ
You were about to walk away but he spoke again. โI saw you. Uh, on the bleachers, taking photos.โ
You nodded, โyeah. The football field has a nice view. And it gives me something to do while Iโm out here.โ
โYou always sit outside during lunch?โ He questioned.
โYeahโฆThe cafeteria is just too crowded and nosy. I prefer to be out hereโฆAlone.โ You said.
โI get it. People suck.โ
You let out a huff of laughter at that. โYou can say that again.โ
It was silent for a few moments after that. โUh, look, Iโd love to chat but the bell is about to ring.โ You turned around, getting ready to go.
โYeah, youโre right.โ He agreed. โOh, but before you leave. I never got your name.โ
You looked back over your shoulder and said your name.
โAnd Iโm Ian.โ He stated.
โI knew that.โ You smiled.
โ
A few days later, you were sitting at your usual spot on the bleachers. It was a nice day again. The sky was clear, the sun was shining. Perfect weather, really. You had just finished eating your lunch when you heard footsteps.
You looked up instinctively, seeing a very familiar face.
Ian McKinley.
He keeps walking towards you until heโs right next to you, sitting down on metal. โHey.โ
โHi, Ian.โ You greeted back, a little confused as why he was here.
โYou take any more pictures recently?โ He asked.
You nod, taking your camera out of your bag. Clicking through photos, turning it towards Ian so he can see.
โYouโre a really good photographer.โ He complimented.
A smile tugged on your lips at his comment. You looked down, feeling a bit bashful. โYouโre just saying that.โ
โIโm serious.โ His voice, genuine.
You lifted your head up, slightly. Looking into Ianโs blue eyes. โThank you. That means a lot.โ
The two of you fell into a comfortable silence, just enjoying the nice weather. Then, suddenly Ian stood up.
โTake a picture of me.โ
You raised an eyebrow, โreally?โ
โYeah, now come on.โ He persuaded.
โOkay, okay.โ You lifted up your camera to your eye. โDo something cool.โ
He lifted up one hand, flipping the bird. And twisting his face into a playful snarl. You press the shutter button, taking a few photos of him. Once you were done, Ian sat back down, looking at the camera.
โYou look great.โ You said, sarcastically.
โDamn right.โ He laughed.
You and Ian sat there for a while, just talking. Until lunch was over.
โAlright, we gotta get to class.โ You stated, grabbing your belongings and standing up.
โAw, but I was having so much fun bothering you.โ He joked.
You rolled your eyes. โPoor Ian.โ
โWait, can I get your number?โ He asked.
You raised your eyebrows, surprised he wanted your number. You looked into his eyes. Trying to see if he was joking. Ian was asking for your number? The Ian who never talks to anyone?
โUh, sure. Yeah thatโs cool.โ Your lips lifting in a half smile. You dug through your bag, finding a pen. You gestured for his arm. Which he lifted up. You grabbed his arm, gently, carefully writing your number on his wrist. โThere.โ
โCool, Iโll call you later.โ
โ
Hours later, you sat on your bed. You grabbed your camera that sat on the nightstand. Turning it on, you went to the photo gallery. Clicking through pictures until you found the ones you took of Ian. You paused, and just looked.
It was a dumb photo. But for some reason? You couldnโt stop looking at it. Suddenly, you start to feel butterflies in your stomach. You then looked over at your phone, hoping he would call.
Did he forget? No, he was the one who asked you. But then, after a few minutes of waiting. Your phone began to ring. You quickly grabbed it, flipping it open and holding it to your ear.
Ianโs voice came over the speaker. โHello.โ
You lost track of time after that. You and him talked for hours, about nothing and everything. You really enjoyed having conversations with him. He was easy to talk to and you didnโt feel like you needed to pretend to be someone youโre not.
You eventually got off the call because your mom called you for dinner. But after the call, you didnโt stop thinking about him. If anything, you thought about him more.
And over the next few weeks, you and Ian started hanging out more. You ate lunch together everyday and called everyday.
And your feelings for him never went away. You wanted to say something to him but you were too afraid of rejection. So you stayed quiet.
โ
One day, you just got out of math class. You stopped by your locker to put away your math book when someone tapped you on the shoulder. You turned around and saw Ian standing there.
โOh, hey Ian.โ You said, happy to see him.
โHi.โ He avoided eye contact, rubbing the back of his neck. โI wanted to talk to you.โ
โYeah? About what?โ You asked.
โUh. Well I was wondering if maybeโโ he trailed off.
โWhat?โ
โSorry, I donโt know why Iโm so nervous.โ He apologized, a strange look for someone so outspoken. โWhat Iโm trying to say isโฆWould you want to go out with meโฆOn a date or something?โ
You swore your heart was about to jump right out of your chest. Ian just asked you out. Like for real. You stared at him for a bit, trying to see if he was joking. But he wasnโt.
โUhโฆYeah! Of course!โ You exclaimed.
Ian let out a sigh of relief, smiling now. A real, genuine smile. One that you hadnโt really seen from him much. โOkay, cool! How about this weekend? Thereโs a showing of Cry_Wolf at the cinema.โ
โThatโs perfect.โ You replied.
The bell rang after that. Ian walked away. But you stayed standing there. Still in disbelief that you were going on a date with Ian McKinley.
You let out a huff of laughter, realizing things this year were going to get a whole lot better.
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the idea of posting fanfic is so nerve racking !!! like last time i did that i was 12 what if it's shit and they take me out back and beat me to death with one trillion baseball bats