Irreverent Tweets

ME: I will sell you my soul for $5 and an Arby’s couponTHE DEVIL: $5 *and* an Arby’s coupon? In this economy?

[heaven orientation]ME: When do we all look down upon our loved ones and smile?ANGEL: Ok I don't know who's telling people that

Looks like Mary got that Bontempi Keyboard she was after for Christmas pic.twitter.com/5PQgPx7x40

i don't really believe in god but i'm like aware of his influence and respect him as an artist or whatever the hell

Noah: a giant racecar? Shouldn't I build a boat? God: *jealous he didn't think of that first* ya I was just testing you lol stupid

[the last supper]Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silverJudas: I got this

"Why do I always have to choose where we eat" - Eve to Adam

Is it ok if i touch the paintings i have poor eyesight. also i have to have BBQ sauce on my hands because of religion

*jesus turns water to wine* me: you can't just insert goods into an economy you'll cause deflation Jesus: my child-me: NO! it's bullshit!

Satan: He what?demon: I said he knows if you've been bad or goodS: seriously?D: yesS: [rips Xmas list in half] [runs crying from room]

JESUS: I shall turn water to wineJUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that's only 15% miracleJESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updatesGOD: um ok*dinos die, man appears*GOD: wtf

if a bear is attacking you play dead and then play resurrection this will cause the bear to either worship u or deny ur existence

God: kill your son Abraham: uh...ok God: holy shit I'm jk Abraham: umm...God: I'll probably kill mine tho lolAbraham: wtf?

[line to get through pearly gates]St. Peter: Sir, step aside. Random security check.Dude with horns/cloven hooves: RANDOM MY ASS

Imagine if there was a pilot named Pontius? I bet nobody would get on his plane! Haha. That's what I think.

[richard dawkins nervously approaches a girl]Want to go out sometime?"No thanks"[he clenches his fists]Religion is responsible for this