That's an excellent question...

It's time to get drinking!

I lost a friend yesterday. I never really know how to cope with death. It's an interesting dilemma because death is such an unknown. My brain can't wrap around the concept. I see death everyday in videogames, on tv, even in music. But when its real and close, I don't know how to act. The first thing that came to mind was dang. I don't like saying sorry because to me I don't know if that properly sums up my condolences. Simply saying sorry is or maybe seems so....western. Some cultures will weep together...for days. Sure this may seem a bit silly, but as friends is it? We all are grieving but most of the time we are told and feel like we have to be strong. I don't think being strong is appropriate. When we grieve together it shows that a person was truly cared for, and that we all loved this person. Together, a group can honor the person fully. Honestly I'm probably rambling, but I hope something can be made out of all of it. Erik, you were a great guy. You were always kind to Alishia and I, and you were probably one of the most generous people I've ever met. You had the ability to make anyone laugh and feel completely comfortable. You'll be missed and there are so many people who will make sure your dreams and aspirations keep floating on. It was fun knowing you, and I'm sure we will play some Magic again someday.

That was a great paper!  I really enjoyed it, and I honestly have never thought of any of those topics.  I'll have to do some more research on it:)

I mean as far as I'm concerned I'm ugly too. Maybe not outside but inside I'm rotten. I sit and wonder sometimes what is worse. I won't sit and pretend I don't have have a problem when it comes to me being a condescending prick. I don't really actually know where it came from earlier. Maybe its because my dad was so hard to talk too. He liked to assume us kids were always lying or doing something wrong. All in all, nothing is ever good enough for him. Or maybe its the fact that I got made fun of so much in White Lake. I don't know why I was teased. I was never mean, I didn't ever smell bad. I guess I just wasn't good enough. Therein lies the problem I think. If I'm not good enough, then surely nobody else is. If something doesn't work out for me, automatically that school or that process is stupid or retarded or fucked up or whatever else I decide is the problem. I guess the point is, this whole world is a toilet bowl and we are all shit...but hey at least I'm not lonely

Is what it feels like these days. I'm at work at this moment and its slow. But its always slow. My friend just told me she wants the same job as I do. This will be interesting. I already didn't get it once so I'm pretty sure I won't let that happen again. At one point I was one of four that were considered full time. That all changed when we got a new manager. That shit sucks I won't lie to you. It was real nice getting those 600 dollar checks. Found out last night we are first in line for a house in Nymore, rent is super cheap as well. Can't go wrong with like 250 a month. Wow looks like my break is over. Back to reality now I suppose

And I'm just now getting up. O thought about going to modules, but then I decided it just wasn't worth it. I sure that it would be fun and all, but I honestly do not feel like I have the best reasons. My module was a class about ethics and I really feel like I would have been looking and trying to start arguments. I think maybe that is my goal in life sometimes. Missing off the next person I disagree with. I am seriously thinking that I get some sort of gratification out of getting in someone's beliefs and dissecting them because I think it is stupid. I think I may have forgotten what its like to disagree with and still love a person. All I have been doing is disagreeing and becoming apathetic. Meh...

I really love eyes.  It was actually one of the first things that I noticed in most of my girlfriends.  In fact now that I think about it, that is usually the only thing I remember from anyone I have ever dated.  My favorite pair of eyes though, are when I lay down at night and see my wife's eyes staring into mine...priceless

My first car for sure.  2003 Mitsubishi Galant.  Can't go wrong:)

 So many people have looked at me and thought that my problem solving skills were just to slow.  Or that maybe I don't make sense at times.  I really try to examine people closely, to try and see if they are showing that perception.  I even catch myself at work sometimes standing there awkwardly waiting to come up with a retort or joke for Amanda or Michelle.  I catch myself thinking "What the hell am I standing here for?"  It's a weird feeling.  It's almost like i'm finally becoming self-aware, like I can really tell i'm starting to become an adult.  But there are so many problems with this situation, that I feel like it's all coming at once.  The first is very close to me and it has to do with my faith.  I am currently at Oak Hills Christian College studying Christian Ministry.  Now I am in no way wanting or planning on working in ministry.  So in reality I am paying for something I am never going to use.  The worst problem though is my change in beliefs over the past two years.  For a long time I have been thinking and mulling and debating with myself and others about my faith.  In all of this time I've grown to consider myself a very liberal Christian Universalist.  In the college I attend, I would probably be ostracized and labeled a heretic if more people knew.  That is my main beef at this moment.  I can relate to everything they say, but no one will ever agree or consider agreeing with me.  It's enough to make you completely doubt every struggle and fight for understanding.  But thats the problem with my mind.  I refuse to believe that what I have been told is the ultimate reality.