In the shower water

Because I think of you

And it runs me over

The thought of your skin

My head on your shoulder

So I burn my skin

I am vulnerable

I am honest

I am passionate

And I am tired of seeing all of these things

As weaknesses

The emptiness you caused in me

I hate admitting that you caused it

Sometimes I’m afraid that no one could ever love me the way you did, and then I think about how you never loved me

To not be the person that

Someone tried to love,

But to instead

Be the person

Someone can’t help

After all those years of being

Only soft to you

After all those years

Of running back to you

How lovely for you to call me heartless

How good it feels to be so cold

How lovely for you to think of me as selfish

How good it feels to be so cold

I am heartless for you only

You said one nice thing in my direction

And it was like you never even broke me

And all these seasons later,

Your words finally have no hold on me

On my phone

I thought I had deleted everything

It makes my stomach drop

I start my coping mechanisms:

Okay,

I force myself

To remember the trauma

I force myself

To feel bitter and angry

I force myself

To rememeber the lying,

And the cheating

I force myself

Not to sympathize with you

I don’t let my guard down

For even a minute

Or I will relapse again

Right back into you

And I cannot think

Of anything worse

I delete the video

As soon as I see it

Because I am not

Going back

Not ever

I fell asleep

On my friend’s floor

With my head on your chest

Someone pulled a blanket over us,

I couldn’t tell who

I heard you whisper

“Thank you”

There are too many songs I loved when I was with you that I want to keep listening to and I feel like I can’t anymore. So I’ll just keep listening to them until I have new memories to write over the ones with you

Same with places,

People,

Backroads,

Everything

I am writing you out,

And this is what you wanted

Everyday

It’s like

Since he left

I am suddenly

Able to remember

Who I was

Before all of it

Was sucked out of me

I am relearning

How passionate

How bright

How exciting

How beautiful

I can be

Because I truly forgot

I was any of those things

It might be winter

But I am blooming inside

but is not in love with it 

That making me laugh

Was the best thing

You had done

With your life

So now

That you’ve caused me

So much pain

That you could not possibly

Repair

Because everything I️ ever felt

Was a lie

I️ didn’t know it,

But it was.

Everything you ever told me,

Everything you made me believe-

It was never true

So I won’t feel it now

Or ever again

I️ won’t feel this sadness

Or this brokenness

Because it was all a lie,

The whole time,

And if that’s the case