It is 2015 and you are Janet, the average Tumblr user, a White American girl in the age bracket of 17-22 (conditions sufficient but not necessary). Your life kinda sucks: Donald Trump is running for president, capitalism is destroying everything, including itself. It is a time of changes on a global scale and you don’t understand any of them. You don’t have a partner because of your insufferable personality and irrational sense of entitlement. You log in everyday on Tumblr dot com to spread the Holy Word: “Men are trash,” you type furiously on the keyboard; “the Straights are at it again!” You have a fair amount of followers and the number grows exponentially when you display your innate ability for in-depth political analyses. “Anyways,,, Nazis are bad,” you write, and your followers go nuts because their guru has spoken. “Wow, I can’t believe Nazis were bad! Thank you for educating me.” You shed a tear. Your opinion finally, finally counts something. I’m so smart, you think, as you proceed to write another post about toxic masculinity and White people. You are Tumblr famous now.
Like any average Tumblr user in the 17-22 age bracket, you are in the Marvel fandom stanning Straight White Male characters played by Straight White Male actors with mediocre acting skills who probably only managed to land the role because of their pretty face, something that doesn’t usually happen to Black and non-White actors in general. You feel a twinge of guilt in your stomach, so you rant everyday about the lack of representation in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The production of Black Panther is announced and relief flows through you: soon, you will be able to keep thirsting after that Straight White Male dick and reblog Black Panther gifsets to wash away your guilt and prop up your wokeness. You change your username in lesbian-steve-rogers and call it a day. You are a Tumblr Queen.
In late 2015 Star Wars: The Force Awakens dir. JJ Abrams comes out. It’s a 5/10 movie, copypaste of A New Hope and too Marvel-ish but prequels were even worse so it evens out. However, something happens: you notice that some people are actively shipping Rey and Kylo Ren together and it’s as if Christmas has come a week early. You feel it’s your time to shine. “lmfaooooo are you guys… for real? Shipping this??” and again, “is this,,,,, what Straight people do???”. You bless your followers with in-depth 100% accurate analyses of the movie: “Rey is Luke Skywalker’s daughter,” you explain to your followers, who would believe anything you say without questioning it. “Kyle Ron is a school shooter.” “Kylo Ren is actually an incel.” You try to remember that English class you took in high school. “There is enough textual evidence to agree that Kylo Ren browses /pol/ on a daily basis and he’s intended as a metaphor for alt-right 4chan Pepe posters.” You trust the teachings of Calvinism. Predestination is real, and Kylo Ren is irredeemable and set for eternal damnation. “I can’t wait for Rey to kill Kyle Ron, dance on his corpse and make out with Finn.” Your knowledge of psychology and statistics is remarkable, even though you have not even graduated college. “People shipping Reylo are more likely to condone abusive relationships, I know for sure there is causal effect because it happened to my cousin after watching Twilight.” That’s it. You’ve put the entire American Psychological Association to shame. Your argument goes viral after TheMarySue publishes it and the Harvard Business School is considering offering you a place in the Statistics department given your exceptional ability to critically analyse phenomena and solve once and for all that annoying OVB problem. It’s time for you to drop the final bomb. “Reylo shippers hate women,” you write. “The tea is hot today,” your followers reply enthusiastically. You are a Tumblr God.
Two years later Star Wars: The Last Jedi dir. Rian Johnson comes out and you walk into the theatre ready to watch Kylo Ren twirling mustache doing Nazi stuff. The movie begins and something feels off. Yo mama jokes. Kyle does not kill his mother? You start sweating, and suddenly you feel catapulted in another reality where you are a Brazilian football fan watching the FIFA World Cup 2014 semifinal Brazil v Germany on the stands. Rey and Kylo Ren start acting friendly towards one another and every scene is a new nightmare. The Force is connecting them and Muller scores the first one. “You’re not alone” “Neither are you” and Klose and Kroos score three goals in four minutes. Rey ships herself to him? Khedira scores another. Throne room scene and Schurrle scores twice and makes it 7-0, but then Kyle is being Kyle again and Oscar makes it 7-1. You’re shaking. You’re David Luiz crying in front of the press. This is Trump’s America, you think, seething. You go back home and log into Tumblr dot com, almost smashing your keyboard. “Rian Johnson retire bitch.”
Six months into 2018 and Reylo is kinda mainstream and well-received by critics, but it’s not over yet. “JJ will retcon everything and make Kylo Ren and Rey switched at birth,” you say to your followers, now a little bit concerned. “Mark Hamill hates The Last Jedi,” you write. “Rian Johnson is a Nazi apologist.” “Daisy Ridley hates Adam Driv*r ugly ass.” It’s a conspiracy, you know it. You can’t be wrong. You channel your inner Larry shipper. “JJ wanted to make Rey Skywalker but Ruin Johnson stepped in and ruined everything.” But now there is a tingle in the back of your neck. Fear. Rey and Kylo Ren might really end up sucking face in the end. Your credibility is at stake. What do?
Suddenly, Spike Lee comes to your rescue: in his new movie, Adam Driver is a Jewish cop who goes undercover in the Ku Klux Klan.
Adam Driver dressed as a KKK member. Your brain cells start working and come up with what must be the undeniable truth. You muster your wokeness and, once again, you log into Tumblr dot com to spread the Holy Word.
“Adam Driver is a White supremacist ya’ll.”
It is time to catch up with Voltron now. Klance is endgame for sure, Sheith is a pedo-Satanic ship and there is no way Lance really likes Allura.
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