Bitch, Fight My Boyfriend.

I died in a dream last night and was disappointed that I woke up perfectly fine.

*Sitting at table doing homework, headphones on but no music* *Hears a thing from another room. Realizes there is something wrong.* *presses play on death metal playlist.* *Resumes homework.*

So my personal trainer is a tall, bald dude with a beard, and I just thought to myself “I need a bald guy with a beard” and I look left. Lo and behold there is a DIFFERENT tall bald guy with a beard eating at a table near me. Mother of god.

Afraid. My eyes show the wrongs. My heart feels an ache. Where is this from? Why can't I be happy? My skin crawls My chest flutters Not from infatuation From hate. Fear. Pure rage. I can't reach the top shelf. But that's where I left it. I lost the key. The lock stays shut. I'm sorry. I can't fix you. Not when I'm tearing at the seams.

Why should I have to prove my gender? Why can’t you take my word for it? No. I don’t act very femme. I also look like I won’t ever be able to pass, so there’s that. If I start acting all twinky, I won’t have the self-esteem to continue. That’s the house I live in. Every day I’m asked something generally meaning “do you not feel like a girl anymore? When will you stop lying?” I’ve tried acting femme, and I got insulted because of it. I got berated for acting like a girl, but when I don’t? “You don’t act like a girl, so you’re not.” I have to deal with the only person who doesn’t support me, saying she supports me, and having to not scream whenever she says she isn’t controlling and that she doesn’t try to make me into someone I’m not. Look how that turned out! I’m unhappy, dysphoria gets worse every time she talks to me, given she usually compliments my masculine features. I'm done.

I feel like they/them pronouns aren't entirely respectful toward N/B people considering those are for someone of indeterminate gender and/or a group of people.

That moment when your mom claims to be the supportive parent, your dad believes you and respects you without question and a week later your mom says she never has and never will believe you.

May I not hide what shames me? If my heart would hope to live

"Because you're lying." -My mom