I Play Stuff

I have seen the blackest pits beyond oblivion and there is naught but hopeless abandon. I know what it is to look into the eyes of Madness.

Through the veil that separates our realm of existence from what lies beyond, I fell.

There was a creature there, a horror, that seared my mind with its image. I became its thrall. A subservient shell.

I allowed it to bend my will with the chilling touch of torment and I was content in this.

No longer. I became as solid as rock, I became as destructive as water, I became the Earth and I had fury.

This preview can be found in its original format here.

My dearest,

I did a terrible thing. It was earlier in the week, you were at a friend’s house; I was a little tipsy and lonely. I know alcohol isn’t an excuse but I keep coming back to it. I keep saying it to myself, “it was the alcohol… the alcohol… the alcohol…” I know I just need to admit it to myself as much as I need to come clean to you, so here goes.

I cheated on you, my precious Xbox live account. I’m sorry, baby. I can change.

Who with? Will that really help you understand this? It’s not relev- okay, okay. I’m the one that messed up, you get to dictate how this goes. I’ll tell you everything you want to know, if it’ll help you understand.

She’s North American. It was a one time thing. She had something I wanted and you weren’t willing to give it to me. I thought I could deal with it but when I got a drink in me I thought “to hell with it, why can’t I?” We’ve been together for, oh, four years but to be fair, we never really agreed I couldn’t have another account, did we?

No, you’re right I’m trailing off. What did she have you didn’t? Well, it’s sort of taboo here, that’s why I had to go to her. Alright, I’ll spit it out. It was a demo for Catherine.

Catherine is an adult-anime-horror-puzzle-dating-sim-type-thing that puts you in the shoes of Vincent, a 32 year old man who is afraid of committing to his long term girlfriend, Katherine. From what little of the game I played, I gathered that Katherine is horrible. If we were watching a romantic comedy, she would be the bridezilla that you hope the male lead will escape from to be with the girl of his dreams yadda yadda yadda. Saying that, Vincent is virtually impossible to feel any sympathy for either. He comes off as a pathetic man who is too spineless to either take the relationship to where Katherine needs it to be, or end it. He’s coasting and I hate him for it. I only hope that through the game, I can find a redeemable feature in him.

Meanwhile, there is mystery surrounding young men dying in their sleep. Oh my, I wonder if this is relevant to the plot of the game… Wait, I think it must be, as Vincent has been having nightmares. In these nightmares, he is chased by a giant ghastly woman who wants to fork him. By which, I mean stab him with a fork. I’m not sure if that’s supposed to be a subtle metaphor. I’m going to go out on a limb and say… yes. Yes, it is.

The nightmares are where the actual “game” part takes place. The idea is you have to pull blocks around to create a method of reaching a door at the top of the level before the horrible forking woman forks you. On an unrelated note, I’m positive Vincent calls her Katherine. What I take from that is as follows: Vincent really dislikes Katherine and wants to, get this, escape from her.

The puzzling is fun and brutally tough in places. You have to make decisions quickly and the pressure is really felt as blocks are torn away from under you by giant fork lady. There’s not really much else to say about the core gameplay. It’s simple, challenging and addictive.

During the waking hours, I didn’t get to do much in the demo but there is an interesting mechanic by which you can impact relationships with other characters by sending text messages. The formula for this sees Vincent type out a line; you decide if he should try a different line. Once you decide, he types another line and, with your guidance, sends the composed message. I quite enjoyed agonising over just how my text would change my relationship to the recipient.

After a few gameplay segments and a whole bunch of anime video, we come to the inevitable point at which the demo tries to establish a hook. What’s drama without conflict, right? Vincent is in a bar, contemplating the pressure to get married, when he meets Catherine. She is a younger woman that apparently is exactly Vincent’s type. They get on swimmingly. Vincent wakes up beside her, freaks out, and that’s where the demo ends.

The game is very much intended for adults in difficulty as much as content. I’m not sure just how explicit the game is but a highlights video at the end of the demo, there was some definite crotch grabbing. It’s maybe best to keep this one away from the kids even though I’m positive the European release will be significantly toned down.

This review can be found in its original format here.

Uncanny X-Men #542 is the third issue of Kieron Gillen’s current run on the series. It is tied in to Marvel’s Fear Itself meta-plot. I’m much too poor to read every book Marvel puts out, so I don’t have the whole picture of what Fear Itself is about. Fear not! Using context clues, I’ve deduced that a mysterious baddie has put seven Thor-like hammers about the place. The hammers make powerful guys more powerful. Fear feeds that power.

Guess who has one and is making a bee-line for X-Men HQ?

The Juggernaut, bitch.

Gillen pleasantly surprised me with how he has used the Juggernaut as the primary antagonist of the piece. I’m used to Juggy being an explosive, if dim, powerhouse. The kind of character that shows up and does his damage. Wham-bam-thank-you-corpse style.

However, in Uncanny #540-542, the Juggernaut has steadily crossed the country, one unyielding step after another. The X-Men try everything they can think of to slow him and nothing is working; Juggy barely reacts to even the most ingenious of power-combos. This is a Juggernaut that is truly unstoppable. What Gillen has done here is a master-stroke. With Gillen’s skilled pen, The Juggernaut is imbued with the same terrifying, deliberate pace that make zombies so pant-wettingly horrific – no rushing. It doesn’t matter if the attempt to flee is made; he’ll catch up eventually. Inch by measured inch. It’s a beautiful direction to take the bulky brute, and it really gives me the creeps.

  The beauty continues when you realise that, not only is this an unstoppable harbinger of destruction, but it is a destructive force that is amassing popular support from the general sapien public. The unrelenting force is calling for the elimination of either the population of San Francisco or mutant-kind. He’s not fussy, but he’s got swathes of followers. It sets up a paranoia fuelled political arena as each side expect the worst.

If you’re interested in using comic to draw parallels with real world issues, X-Men books have always been a great vehicle for social commentary, if sometimes bordering on the ham-fisted. Gillen takes full advantage of X-Men in that regard while remembering to tell an entertaining story. A story that draws from the religious political right-wing and sets it against the liberal setting of San Francisco. Even if you don’t read that much into it, the well crafted book does its job on both levels.

Allow me to share with you a very brief, but very true, story...

The other night there, I went for a social drink with some people I met via supporting the local hockey team. It was grand. Drinking games were played, plans were hatched and chat was had.

Something happened to me though. It's not something I talk about that openly, but I need to now. Otherwise, the story wouldn't have a point.

I don't suffer from the crippling social anxieties that plague a few of my friends. I'm actually fairly comfortable in small to medium groups. I enjoy sharing anecdotes, making bad jokes and all that good stuff... For a few hours.

After a while I start to listen to myself, and a wee shitty little demon whispers to me.

"Really? That joke was embarrassing... You think they've been laughing with you?"

I ignore it, and carry on. However, I keep saying stupid, pointless things and it irritates me.

"You should probably shut up," it says.

So I check my phone.

My downer usually passes pretty quickly when I get to that point. On this occasion, I didn't have time to pick myself up, as the last train beckoned. I left the pub, and made it to the train station. The whole time I kept replaying the evening in my head, trying to figure out how much of a dork I came off. Things I said, that went down well, were scrutinized until I could prove they made me look stupid.

So there I was, standing on the platform. The smell of dusty concrete and steel that accompanies the take-me-home machine filling my nostrils, making me sober. The chatter of people around me, overlapping and unintelligible. One voice rose above the others. It wasn't louder, but it was clearer.

"Who are you?" I looked to place the faux-English accent, but the source was nowhere to be found.

"The new Number Two," It continued, albeit trying to disguise itself as another person.

"Who is Number One?" I recognised the words and I new what the next two lines were to be.

"You are Number Six." Oh, man. This is it. The best part.

"I am not a number," and I felt compelled to join in, social etiquette be damned, "I AM A FREE MAN!"

Everyone went silent for a thousand years. All eyes were on me. I looked around nervously.

A thick Glaswegian accent from behind a wall accompanied the following words, "aww man, who said that?" A head peeked out from the corner, huge smile on its face. A body followed suit and approached me. "Prisoner, man."

A high five was had with a complete stranger, and when his palm made contact with mine, I heard the smack of camaraderie. It sounded good, and made me smile.

Hello, Mundane Human.

Everyday life can be a pain in the ass. It involves waking up and getting out of bed; often before noon! Other inconveniences can include chores (if you're a teenager), housework (if you live alone), or chores (if you're married). The list goes on and on and on and so on.

Sometimes, it's easy to get overwhelmed. It's okay to feel like that. I used to, but not any more! I became superhuman. I took control of my destiny and now, with this guide, YOU CAN BE FULLY INFORMED!  So, if you're looking for the must-know information regarding obtaining superpowers, read on. If not, why did you read past the title? It wasn't a ruse.

One important thing to note here, I'm saying superhuman and not superhero. There's a couple of reasons for that.

Firstly, I don't want to pay the dues to Scottish Hero Association of Scotland. Seriously, the prices are unreasonable. It has nothing to do with Mary, Queen of Justice shunning my sexual advances.

The second reason, is Uncle Ben. Not the boil-in-the-bag rice guy; Spider-man's dead uncle. Yeah, we all know he said the immortal line "with great power, comes great responsibility". That's actually not true. Anyway, on to the straight dope, as the kids say.

The options are:

Evolve Your Powers

I understand you can't control this but it's one of the most popular ways people want to get powers. Who can blame them? It involves no effort. You just wake up one day and boom! You can breathe fire; run faster than sound; heck, you might even get the ability to fly. Yeah, that old chestnut.

Therein lies the rub. Might. There's an *ahem* x-factor when it comes to mutant ability. You trade any control over the results off in return for a lot of power for no effort. The potential for embarrassment knows no bounds.

Picture the scene: You awaken one morning. Something feels different. There's an energy surging through you. What is it? It's probably nothing. "Breakfast is ready, darling!" You wipe the sleep from your eyes. An uncomfortable shift in your belly concerns you for a moment. You'll feel better after you eat; that's what you tell yourself before heading downstairs to your beautiful, successful partner and child. You sit at the table and start to eat the most delicious fry-up you've ever had. Oh, no. Another shift. Must be some gas. Try to discreetly pass wind. It was quiet. Too quiet. Silent, even. Your wife and child slump forward. Silent and deadly. Enjoy your new power, Mighty Methane.

Scientific Experiment Gone Awry/Successfully (Delete as required)

Slightly better than mutation in terms of control over the end result. Still, there's a lot to consider. I'll illustrate with two examples at opposite ends of the spectrum: The Hulk and Captain America.

The Hulk - Hulk, to his friends - is the result of a non-fatal lab accident. That's the kind of lab accident you want if powers are what you're after. Non-fatal. Take a note of that. Now, we all know that Bruce Banner didn't want to become The Hulk, so wouldn't this fall into the same precarious power category as mutation?

Not necessarily. We're living in a post Hulk world, people. By accounting for what could go wrong during an experiment, extrapolations can be made as to possible outcomes. I mean, you're not going to become Mighty Methane when you're dicking about with Tesla coils, are you?

On the other side of the coin, there's good ol' Captain America. Little scrawny weakling gets turned into the All-American Hero. What else can I say? Get hold of some top war-time scientific minds and you're golden age, baby!

End of Part 1.

Your high school life is finally at an end and now you get to go out there and... Wait, what? More education? You crazy? Well, at least you can get drunk this time around.

In all seriousness, it's a good thing you've decided to continue with education; I applaud you.

Before I continue, let me clarify something. I am not exactly a university success story, by which I mean I'm in the same place now I could have been if I didn't go to University in the first instance. Let me tell you something though, the experience of going through uni was invaluable to me. I grew, I changed, the audience wept at the dramatic conclusion as a really old guy tapped me on the head with an old bunnet. After it all, I felt wise. Take a look at this picture and describe the guy in one word.

Wise, right? I mean, look at that jawline.

The lessons I learned and remember from my university course can actually be counted on one hand. However, I came away from the experience richer (mentally richer, not wealthier) and I learned a lot about my self. It's a cliché, yes, but it's true... Also, I learned a bunch of crap I wish someone told me before I went. I impart this knowlege to you now, school leaver. For FREE! ... And in list form, no less.

Lesson The First - Don't sweat it.

What they don't tell you is the first year of university is often really easy. Show up, pay attention and you'll be fine. Also, if you get the gut feeling you've made the wrong choice; that's okay. Speak to your campus student services. The sooner the better.

Lesson The Second - Join a society.

Heck, join a bunch. It's a great way to broaden your social circle. I would suggest you join one a bit more productive than the Alcohol Appreciation Society. I don't know what uni you're going to but they'll have one.

Lesson The Third - Move away from home...

Even if you're staying in your home town - move out. It's the only way things are going to get epic.

Lesson The Fourth - ... into halls of residence.

Your uni's halls of residence are probably going to be squalid and over priced. It's where I had my most fun. I would tell you all about it but it would take too long. It's sufficient to say there was pranks and scandal.

Lesson The Fifth - Shop smart.

Buy the books you need, because your library will be understocked. Furthermore, keep an eye on notice boards, people from last year will be selling their books, so buy second hand asap. When you move on, sell them to someone in the year below. It's like the circle of life, or something.

Ask everywhere if they do student discount - shop in those places. That said, don't blow your grant/loan on cool stuff as soon as you get it in. Try not to get into a situation where you're living on 10p noodles. It might not be cool to suggest you keep a budget but, trust me, you don't want to live off 10p noodles.

There are some things you don't want to skimp on. Two of which are bin bags and loo roll. Never, ever buy cheap bin bags or loo roll. Ever.