Invisible dustspec

I did not expect this Blonde Bar to be soo good!!

When I look back, and see some remnants of the past in front of me, I'm not sure if I'm crying about something I know has happened, maybe some relationships I might have destroyed. I don't know if anything I'm crying about now is the true present, but I still worry and hope that the people I left behind are able to keep their kernel of happiness. Well, if not, I still need to learn to be happy regardless, as that is the only way I know for sure that I can be a support to another soul, for another love.

What is interesting in this recent experience was a shift in my paradigm through which I was viewing loneliness. It being a subjective experience, my depression puts it in a different light, thinking that it is an external state that is bad regardless of the effort I put in, and is further proof of me being unworthy of affection, which further was taken as the sole reason for my existential dread. I perhaps am able to break that cycle now, as I can work on my anxiety without the need for a relationship with another person and that made me worry less. Even more so, it seems frivolous to worry over something I can't necessarily do something about. As worrying about being lonely, and feeling despair, is essentially discrediting the already existing relationships and my own self I built over the past couple of years. Finally it seems as if I can start feeling a little satisfied of who I am, not just in my thoughts but physically feel it (which is what we sometimes fail to do with philosophy, though a topic for another post).

Settling in and enjoying my week with pool, homemade fermented grape juice, read and go to the lake shore!