regulation

again, don't really know where to go, so here we are. i feel like this weak, brittle, pathetic version of myself. i want to quit all of my commitments and forget about everyone, and sleep. i just slept for two hours, skipping my job (my friend coverered me). i spent the day in class staring at my computer screen and going to the bathroom to cry, feeling the eyes of my classmates and feeling like an alien, or a parasite, or whatever is unwanted and alone. tried to explain to my professor my concerns with my project, and she was understanding, but i didn't feel fully heard, so i just felt like i had disclosed my mental instability for nothing but pity, which made me feel disgusting and awful. cried on the bus ride home. i'm gonna go to sleep again so i don't have to deal with the rest of today. i officially stopped counseling yesterday, because it was only taking my money and making me feel worse. my sister told me i should go to church yesterday when i tried to reach out. my friends don't reach out anymore because i told them not to. i'm an idiot and i'm ungrateful and i'm alone because i thought it would be safer. i'm a burden to my friends. i hope they're able to be happy without me, without check ins from me. i don't have anything to give them.

i like kissing you and i like when you touch the small of my back and i like how we look at each other and laugh for no reason at all. i like how your eyes get big when i tell you like you. i like you i like you i like you i like you.

I think I've avoided my depression for a day which is cool. no crying. gonna have a drink

i am not interested in ending my life but i'm also desperately uninterested in life and no one cares because no one really can it's okay because soon enough i'll be used to it but for now my head hurts from crying

just tried writing and it didn't bring me anything, make me feel anything. my eyes are like rivers. telling people how i feel makes me feel misunderstood and helpless. i make other people feel helpless. people have their own lives to live and their own problems and i don't feel taking up space anymore. so i cry alone in the dark and wait for the next day and the next distraction and i'm just gonna wait until it's all over.

mmmm i don't want to be like this but i don't have any energy in me to change. and i feel like change is pointless. i just need to get used to feeling like this. it'll be easier later.

i don't really know how to successfully live or exist anymore. i just spend each day hoping i won't cry, crying eventually, and then waiting for it to be a responsible time to sleep. almost every thought scares me, almost every turn brings me to another sad thing. i don't know how to do this. i have to keep pushing on because i have to, but there's nothing in me that really wants to. i don't look forward to anything. i can fake smiles and feel tangible contentment for a few moments but overall i'm just struggling to get through. the distractions are welcome, but they're exactly what they sound like - distractions. the shit still lies under the surface. i have plans to see a friend in a few minutes and i don't know how i should dress or if i should put on makeup or if i should cry now or wait until she's gone or cry when she's here. i'm so tired.

i used to think i knew what hopelessness and sadness felt like but this is next level i've never cried this much and i've never felt as horrible and i've never felt as alone

i've never been this sad before

don’t bother looking for a chair just throw your coat down anywhere I’m sorry I’m so poorly dressed I gave up hoping for a guest

I say I just want to kiss someone but I really just want to kiss him :/