Self-reflection

How I deal with self-criticism:

• Detached observation

A technique from meditation.

I focus on bodily sensations and breathing. And I note, without getting involved (without arguing or getting worked up), what the critical part wants to say.

This allows me to see the emotion that's driving the self-criticism.

Example: I messed up at work.

A barrage of inner scolding. I listen to it.

I notice the "slip-ups": You're such a trash person, we're going to get fired because of you!

I realize that I'm afraid of punishment. Once I notice that, I can take care of myself. I remind myself that I'm a grown woman and at work, no one's going to physically harm me over a mistake. If anything, I can harm anyone myself.

• Shift my attention and/or blow off steam

Sometimes I can't pinpoint the emotion that triggers the self-criticism.

It just happens out of nowhere.

In that case, I start treating it like background noise. I try to focus on routine tasks or on something I love doing.

Or, if the criticism is particularly harsh, I take on the role of the critic and externalize it—onto an imaginary or real physical object.

The goal here isn't to direct it inward, at myself. It's to give the emotion an outlet.

For example, I might mentally tear a chair apart. Jump around like a tribesperson and chant curses.

• Beat the crap out of the critic

A special strategy. I use it when the criticism is rooted in a memory of how I was treated in childhood.

Example: I'm feeling vulnerable.

Something has upset me and I need comfort.

My brain starts digging through memories to remind me how we've dealt with this before.

And before, I was comforted with slaps and insults.

So there's this image-memory in my head. It scolds and humiliates me when what I actually need is care.

I destroy it in the most elaborate ways possible.

This helps me a lot, because I simultaneously silence the self-criticism, release anger, and defend myself.

It gives me the feeling that I am safe with myself.